IN ALANON WE BELIEVE LIFE IS FOR GROWTH-PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL

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STEP 9

MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE, WHENEVER POSSIBLE EXCEPT WHEN DO TO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS    COUrAGE TO CHANGE   PAGE 356

IN A MEETING I HEARD SOMEONE SAY I MADE A LIST OF THOSE I HAD HARMED AND I PUT MYSELF AT THE TOP

OF THE LIST.  SOMEWHERE IN MY LIFE I GOT THE MESSAGE THAT TO THINK OF MYSELF FIRST WAS WRONG, THAT IT WAS My DUTY TO CArE FOR EVERYONE ELSE.  I THEN BECAME A BURDEN TO OTHers  because I WAS NOT READY TO CARE FOR MYSELF.

HAVE I HARMED MTYSELF?  OF COARSE  I HAVE.  THIS IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO RECOVER FROM.  BEING TRUE TO MYSELF IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN GIVE TO THOSE  AROUND ME  TO GIVE ADVISE TO OTHERS IS TO INTRUDE;TO GIVE ADVISE TO MYSELF IS  TO GROW.

MY SHARE

I TOO HAD TO PLACE MYSELF AT THE TOP OF THE LIST OF AMENDS BEFORE I COULD HONestLY MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS.  THE AMENDS I MADE TO MYSELF WAS: GOING TO MEETINGS, TREATING MYSELF WITH KINDNESS, AND COMPASSION, VALIDATING MY NEEEDS, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF  FOCUSING ON MY NEEDS working the Steps AND LIVING ONE DAY AT A TIME.  oNCE I FELT PRESENT IN MY LIFE AND COMFORTABLE WITH MY SELF ESTEEM I BEGAN TO MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS  THE first AMENDS I MADE WAS CHANGING MY BEHAVIOR TO OTHeRS.  I STOPPED JUDGING THEM, GIVING ADVISE TO THEM, CRITICIZING THEM,   GOSSIPING ABOUT THEM.   I ALSO BEGAN TO GIVE WITH OUT STRINGS AND TO HAVE COMPASSION WITHOUT EXPECTING PAYBACK.  THOSE WERE POWRFUL AMENDS.    i then WENT TO THE FIRST PEOPLE ON MY LIST OWNED MY BEHAVIOR AND EXPLAINED  HOW I SAW MY PART AND I REGRETTED IT.  I HAD LEARNED MY LESSON AND WOULD PRAY THAT I WOULD NOT REPEAT IT.

Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality. My amends did not take the form of saying I am Sorry.   It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of owning my former actions--- Big for me.

My amend to my parents, my husband and son were handled with honesty and humility I owned my part in the family disease- and by my new found attitudes and actions proved that I was willing to change into the kind of child, partner and parent that had a positive supportive attitude and constructive tools to live by. No more my being the victim of others behavior or actions.

STEP 9 QUESTIONS

1.    What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now? What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship? What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed? How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?

2. What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

3. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."

The relationship I still have most trouble with is the one with my AH. I've been in recovery a long time, and so has he....
but his continued ISM's can leave me feeling hurt and resentful. Its often hard to consider his feelings....he is meant to be considering mine now. (I'm working on step 7 and humility).
Its difficult to make direct amends to someone you consider is hurting you....even if that hurt is not real.
I understand the illness and its obsessional behaviour. I accept he will always put his own needs before anyone elses. He has anxieties that make him want to control to ease them.
I know I can be unreasonable....
I try to make amends for that but it does tend to be a fake it till you make it scenario.... so not much recovery around it.
I have an illness too. I have fibromyalgia. I feel guilty for being ill and not being abe to work which adds to HIS anxieties.

My biggest guilt is not being able to turn back time....and allow my children a single area to live in (we did geographicals) which they could stay in good schools and achieve their best grades...making their choices and lives now easier......
My guilt is not being stronger then so they had the best chances available to them....
I'm learning through step 6 to let go of the past. I can't change it.
I hate that the consequences of my weaknesses are theirs.....

Self forgiveness affirmations......wow....haven't tried that.....I'm not sure I can do that honestly?

I can certainly try to use the affirmation to deal with my AH....

I think I will have to let HP deal with my kids......