1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I have spent my entire life trying to control alcoholics, taking it personal, believing that there was something wrong with me. Not believing that it was them that had the problem. As a child I thought if I would watch my mother's every move, she would not get drunk and leave me alone at night. If I stayed quiet, my father would not beat me when he came home from the bar drunk. If I didn't ask for anything, if I looked pretty enough, was good enough then my parents would want to take care of me. Instead I tried to take care of my mother. I married an addict, was co-dependant and lived in a controling, toxic pattern. He was the love of my life, if ONLY he was stong enough to stay sober. I was a controller and an avoidant at all cost. When I was 21, a mother of my 16 month old daughter, Justin passed away on a night that he back tracked, took coke and drank heavily. I was a widow at the age of 21. 3 years later, I married again. Another alcoholic, this time my husband was abusive. I was extremely co-dependant, if I wore the right things, If I acted the right way, if I did my hair the right style, them maybe he would want me. I would force him to go to therapy! That would work, I thought. ( did I mention I was co-dependant?) After the 3rd time in a matter of months he layed his hands on me I left.
I started working on my co-dependancy and know admit that my live has become unmanageable trying to "manage" or control dysfunctional people. Being with dysfunctional people does not work, having dysfunctional friends does not work. I feel very alone. Still full of shame, but I have worked through co-dependancy, I left my ex-husband one year ago to the date. This is a new start for me.
- Step One ACA Maggie
JamesCT said
Mar 8, 2013
I am glad to see, Maggie, that you've started the Steps. Come join us on the ACoA board for ESH!
Maggie that is a great share. Thank you. I send you my support :)
Step one is a funny step for me. In some ways its really easy for me to say that my life is unmanageable and that I'm powerless over the effects of alcohol. It's obvious when I look at my life and how it has affected me. My kids have anxiety, I'm a people pleaser and a reactor, I can't make decisions and I don't trust myself. My self-esteem is zilch and I can be a bit nervous around others.
But other times, when I look at my life I have some pretty good things going on - my husband is a rock (with many faults, but seriously a wonderful person), my kids are healthy, smart, friendly, I have a good job, good friends.....so in some ways I think I'm okay and I am managing.
It's sort of like my life is a giant wall of filing cabinets and everything is sooo tightly organized and controlled on the outside. But if you open a file, it's a freaking mess. Does that make sense? Something happens, I file it away, move on to the next thing. Autopilot. No connections, no overreactions, not really dealing with anything, just moving along.
I'm terrified to be too happy, too angry, too loving, too distant.... And my relationships meet a certain level of intimacy, then can't really get past that point. Even though I very much want to be close and intimate, I always pull away. It stinks.
And more than anything I want to be a good mother but I feel like a failure. I have two beautiful girls, but they aren't content. I feel like I have failed them, failed God, failed myself. It's the reason I'm here. They are 14 and 11, so I've still got some time with them. I wish they knew they didn't have to be anxious. I guess the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree now, does it? It stinks.
Poppy
lin34 said
Mar 29, 2013
I am a recoving alnon member. I grew up in with an alcoholic mother who also used snorted crystal meth. I remember trying to control moms activities with various boyfriends drinking smoking and drug use by getting evidence to give to my father. Once I remember having a fisher price recorder and I tape recorded her conversations but of course it did not good. It was not in an effort to punish my mother but I though it would make her change. When she would take me to partying events i prayed that she would not drink and when she did i blame myself. I was seen as obsticle to her and much of what i heard was "Why do you make my life so miserable" "I wish you were never born" "I can't believe I have a daughter like you". I know that she did the best she could and got taken advantage of by multiple people in the mist of her . She felt she had not where else to turn and much of her parenting skills where based on her own upbring. I can say that she was much more loving than her mother and now I am a mother myself. I can say I strive to break this cycle and I am greatful for the alnon program. It is because of the meetings support readings and fellowship that I feel healing taken place. Also it has led me to read about parenting and how ACOA parents may fall into negative patterns based on their upbring. I am so grateful to be here.
1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I have spent my entire life trying to control alcoholics, taking it personal, believing that there was something wrong with me. Not believing that it was them that had the problem. As a child I thought if I would watch my mother's every move, she would not get drunk and leave me alone at night. If I stayed quiet, my father would not beat me when he came home from the bar drunk. If I didn't ask for anything, if I looked pretty enough, was good enough then my parents would want to take care of me. Instead I tried to take care of my mother. I married an addict, was co-dependant and lived in a controling, toxic pattern. He was the love of my life, if ONLY he was stong enough to stay sober. I was a controller and an avoidant at all cost. When I was 21, a mother of my 16 month old daughter, Justin passed away on a night that he back tracked, took coke and drank heavily. I was a widow at the age of 21. 3 years later, I married again. Another alcoholic, this time my husband was abusive. I was extremely co-dependant, if I wore the right things, If I acted the right way, if I did my hair the right style, them maybe he would want me. I would force him to go to therapy! That would work, I thought. ( did I mention I was co-dependant?) After the 3rd time in a matter of months he layed his hands on me I left.
I started working on my co-dependancy and know admit that my live has become unmanageable trying to "manage" or control dysfunctional people. Being with dysfunctional people does not work, having dysfunctional friends does not work. I feel very alone. Still full of shame, but I have worked through co-dependancy, I left my ex-husband one year ago to the date. This is a new start for me.
- Step One ACA Maggie
I am glad to see, Maggie, that you've started the Steps. Come join us on the ACoA board for ESH!
http://acoa.activeboard.com
Step one is a funny step for me. In some ways its really easy for me to say that my life is unmanageable and that I'm powerless over the effects of alcohol. It's obvious when I look at my life and how it has affected me. My kids have anxiety, I'm a people pleaser and a reactor, I can't make decisions and I don't trust myself. My self-esteem is zilch and I can be a bit nervous around others.
But other times, when I look at my life I have some pretty good things going on - my husband is a rock (with many faults, but seriously a wonderful person), my kids are healthy, smart, friendly, I have a good job, good friends.....so in some ways I think I'm okay and I am managing.
It's sort of like my life is a giant wall of filing cabinets and everything is sooo tightly organized and controlled on the outside. But if you open a file, it's a freaking mess. Does that make sense? Something happens, I file it away, move on to the next thing. Autopilot. No connections, no overreactions, not really dealing with anything, just moving along.
I'm terrified to be too happy, too angry, too loving, too distant.... And my relationships meet a certain level of intimacy, then can't really get past that point. Even though I very much want to be close and intimate, I always pull away. It stinks.
And more than anything I want to be a good mother but I feel like a failure. I have two beautiful girls, but they aren't content. I feel like I have failed them, failed God, failed myself. It's the reason I'm here. They are 14 and 11, so I've still got some time with them. I wish they knew they didn't have to be anxious. I guess the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree now, does it? It stinks.
Poppy
I am a recoving alnon member. I grew up in with an alcoholic mother who also used snorted crystal meth. I remember trying to control moms activities with various boyfriends drinking smoking and drug use by getting evidence to give to my father. Once I remember having a fisher price recorder and I tape recorded her conversations but of course it did not good. It was not in an effort to punish my mother but I though it would make her change. When she would take me to partying events i prayed that she would not drink and when she did i blame myself. I was seen as obsticle to her and much of what i heard was "Why do you make my life so miserable" "I wish you were never born" "I can't believe I have a daughter like you". I know that she did the best she could and got taken advantage of by multiple people in the mist of her . She felt she had not where else to turn and much of her parenting skills where based on her own upbring. I can say that she was much more loving than her mother and now I am a mother myself. I can say I strive to break this cycle and I am greatful for the alnon program. It is because of the meetings support readings and fellowship that I feel healing taken place. Also it has led me to read about parenting and how ACOA parents may fall into negative patterns based on their upbring. I am so grateful to be here.