Step 2 is the hardest one. Once I got this down in AA & believed it with my heart instead of my head it seemed so much easier. I guess since I've been clean & sober for 34 years it must've "took." I still believe that God can restore me to sanity relative to everything else in my life except with my husband of 30 years. I should've left him 20 years ago when he first went back out drinking & using after him having 11 years clean & sober.  I have been terrified, crippled, shattered, with this insanity & have been unable to leave. I know it has a lot to do with my parents leaving me on the streets when I was 12-13 years old & never coming back, but knowing what's up & why I have the crazies doesn't make any difference. Like they say in AA, "Self knoweledge availed us nothing."  Having to ask His protection & care with complete abandon for the issue of leaving my husband terrifies me. I have stayed sober, raised my son, put myself through college & have been a paralegal for 25 years. I feel good about myself for not lying, cheating, steeling, et al in all this time to the best of my ability. I do not join my husband in his insanity drinking & using, but at the same time I pay bills, take care of animals & everything else while he does practically nothing. I know he makes money from fixing cars & towing vehicles, but I never see any of it. I am alone a lot of the time now et al. I have known for a very long time I should leave this situation, but somehow I have been trapped in this area. I am so self-sufficient in every other area of my life that its hard to believe that I could be trapped or feel like an emotioinal cripple in this area. I don't even like him the way he is, yet I am attached to him. It's obvious to me that I have told myself that he's going to get better & we are going to be fine, but for 30 years! The police were looking for him & told me in no uncertain terms that he is not going to get better. I see what he does with the lying & cheating. His actions are soooooo painful to me, but I always "suit up & show up" for him to abuse me again. I want to believe that God will get me out of this like He did alcohol addiction & save me from myself & my selfishness. The idea of leaving my husband & him finding someone & it "working" & being wonderful kills me. I would rather he be back in prison or die. What's up with that? I am never at a loss for intensity & my addiction to adrenaline is well taken care of with him, but...I would rather get my fix riding my motorcycle or some other way besides his indiscretions. The worst part is I hate me for being such a worm that I put up with any behavior. I'm disgusting to me.  Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity is a really hard step in this area. I have been trying for 20 years to turn my will & life over to God, but in this area I have thus far been incapable. I imagine it's because underneath it all I don't want to that I'm not ready yet. I can't stand the self loathing & shame I carry anymore. I want to do this more than anything now so, like AA its a decision to believe. Yikes! 

Tracy  Yes this is an active Board.  We work a Step every two weks and have just posted the 12th Step for Alanon and ACOA.  In two weeks we will begin again with Step 1.

 We do not go usually back to past posts or pages to check if someone has posted.

 There is an ACOA Board that has members posing each day and  you can discuss any question there.

Here is the web address.

http://acoa.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42759is an 

Thanks, HotRod.  Yes, Tracy, please come join us at the ACoA board.

Step 2 is the hardest one. Once I got this down in AA & believed it with my heart instead of my head it seemed so much easier. I guess since I've been clean & sober for 34 years it must've "took." I still believe that God can restore me to sanity relative to everything else in my life except with my husband of 30 years. I should've left him 20 years ago when he first went back out drinking & using after him having 11 years clean & sober.  I have been terrified, crippled, shattered, with this insanity & have been unable to leave. I know it has a lot to do with my parents leaving me on the streets when I was 12-13 years old & never coming back, but knowing what's up & why I have the crazies doesn't make any difference. Like they say in AA, "Self knoweledge availed us nothing."  Having to ask His protection & care with complete abandon for the issue of leaving my husband terrifies me. I have stayed sober, raised my son, put myself through college & have been a paralegal for 25 years. I feel good about myself for not lying, cheating, steeling, et al in all this time to the best of my ability. I do not join my husband in his insanity drinking & using, but at the same time I pay bills, take care of animals & everything else while he does practically nothing. I know he makes money from fixing cars & towing vehicles, but I never see any of it. I am alone a lot of the time now et al. I have known for a very long time I should leave this situation, but somehow I have been trapped in this area. I am so self-sufficient in every other area of my life that its hard to believe that I could be trapped or feel like an emotioinal cripple in this area. I don't even like him the way he is, yet I am attached to him. It's obvious to me that I have told myself that he's going to get better & we are going to be fine, but for 30 years! The police were looking for him & told me in no uncertain terms that he is not going to get better. I see what he does with the lying & cheating. His actions are soooooo painful to me, but I always "suit up & show up" for him to abuse me again. I want to believe that God will get me out of this like He did alcohol addiction & save me from myself & my selfishness. The idea of leaving my husband & him finding someone & it "working" & being wonderful kills me. I would rather he be back in prison or die. What's up with that? I am never at a loss for intensity & my addiction to adrenaline is well taken care of with him, but...I would rather get my fix riding my motorcycle or some other way besides his indiscretions. The worst part is I hate me for being such a worm that I put up with any behavior. I'm disgusting to me.  Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity is a really hard step in this area. I have been trying for 20 years to turn my will & life over to God, but in this area I have thus far been incapable. I imagine it's because underneath it all I don't want to that I'm not ready yet. I can't stand the self loathing & shame I carry anymore. I want to do this more than anything now so, like AA its a decision to believe. Yikes! 

I'm happy to say that my life is not like that anymore. AA works for whatever ails you. There's always a gift at the end of the pain in 12 Step Programs. It doesn't matter what it is. Now, I'm sober over 35 years & life is good again. Just because you're working a program doesn't mean life quits happening. I used to think if I were working the program correctly I would have no pain no matter what, but its been my experience that isn't true. Watching people over the years I see that if they stay under the influence the pain they have from various life situations never gets better, in fact gets worse & keeps going & going, never ending because once you use something & don't walk through the pain you don't grow emotionally or spiritually. If you stay clean & go through whatever it is you get better & better & get to move on with your life more solid & secure. If you don't get anything else, know when you're in that dark hallway of seemingly insurmountable pain, fear, whatever that there is "always" a gift at the end of the pain. You are not unique. It will happen for you, too.