Well, I understand that you are on step 3, right? Well, here is my confusion. I was one who thought I had to earn love and approval with my deeds and my deeds were never enough, so, of course, it follows that I turned into a superachiever and everyone hated me even more for that! And, the cycle began. Step 3 is really hard for me, because I want to press on immediately to knowing God's will, to avoid complications, hhmmm, not really trusting, is it?
The problem is that day-to-day decisions must be met. What do I do in the meantime? Nothing? The fine line between too little action and too much action is not clear to me yet. Hmm, can only pray for help. The mental decision, as John suggests, is there. So, quo vadis now? Patience?
Toto(formerly, Carla)
amanda2u2 said
Jan 8, 2006
umm.. Step 11 is where we press on to, to discover what the will of God is and get the grace to do it.. Step 10 is where we do our moment to moment self inventory. Sometimes we can't just do only one Step.. you're right about that. I could do just Step 1 either... it was just to scary to admit that everything was out of control with no prospect of getting things in some kind of control,, so I had to do Steps 1, 2, and 3, fairly close together. I actually did all 12 Steps in about 2 months,,, the first time. But sometimes,, even tho we are very, very anxious and fearful about what might happen if we don't have total control it is good for us to let go a little bit... to give some to God, and through Him to let go of control of other people some. To let God care for us does not mean that we sit idly by, but that we know more of the boundaries between what is God's job, what are other people's things, and what are ours. We tend to think it is alll one us, that we have all the responsibility, and that we need to have total control,,, and of course we can't do all that. The Serenity Prayer is:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
just the other day I caught myself, when thinking about something that had to be done,, gritting my teeth to make it all happen by myself,,, and then I remembered God... God has become my functional Parent,,, when before I was the one that did most everything in my family as oldest child with dysfunctional parents. I don't have to do that anymore.
love in recovery,
amanda
gsdgirl36 said
Jan 9, 2006
It's hard for me too. There is a fine line between what HAS to be done, what NEEDS to be done and how much we have to do with it. If for example your A was supposed to pay the mortgage and you find the envelope to be mailed in the car the next week, then you mail it. The difference is our reaction and how we feel about the situation. You can choose to scream, blame, and file away the resentment for later or you can ACCEPT that these things might continue to happen. This is where we need to rely on our higher power to give us the strength to see it through. Within yourself, you know what kind of control you throw at people and expect them to fall in line. I have done that, but saw myself as a victim, where in fact my behavior had the opposite effect of what I wanted. I too am a perfectionist, everything done my way or the highway. I expected to be rewarded for this behavior (what a great mom, what a great wife....what a great martyr). But I was only isolating my A by making him feel like he wasn't up to my standards...which fed his addiction. Sometimes we try to overcompensate for their behavior, to pull up the slack. Only by letting go, a little at a time, and accepting our faults as well as the A's, can we really let our higher power take over. If we cannot accept these faults, we must change the situation, because we can't change the A.
bobl said
Jan 12, 2006
Toto,
The way I view things is that it's not that I'm supposed to be decisionless. My HP I believe created me with the free will. HP wants me to use my free will to make a choice to do his wishes.
I'll pray for guidance that I do this. It's when I forget about giving it to god that I'm making choices to try to control everything and especially every outcome. I still must make choices that I have to let my HP make, it's the outcome that comes with them.
Bob
lollyloopp said
Jan 18, 2006
WOW! This sounds so like me and my A!
In talking with a bishop that was to my A about our problems, he hit on this note, saying that to change his ways he first needs to change his thinking and to do that he needed to do more so he could feel better about himself, and then want to change.
I have tried this approach over the last few months and it seems to have backfired. I now find myself wanting to take control and do everything just so I don't have to hear him complain about him having to do it.
But what is too much? We are married and I do just about EVERYTHING to keep the house running. We now have 4 kids (youngest is 3 weeks). I am the only one that works, has always been that way. He does watch the children, ages 3, 5, and 9, the oldest 2 are in school. He has to pick up the 5 year old, which he complains about doing frequently. He cooks most the dinners and will vacuum the family and living room occasionally. He will clean up parts of his mess occasionally. I do the dishes, laundry, most cleaning, esecially the kitchen and bathrooms, and cook 2 to 3 dinners out of the week. I manage the finances so much that he does not see a penny of it. I even go to the store to buy everything, including his beer (he knows I hate doing this, but I am willing to go to the places with the best deal whereas he goes where it is most expensive, only reason why I keep doing it). IF I do not do these things, then they will not get done or will pile up (such as dishes) so bad I will go insane looking at them!
All this has beaten me down in many ways. I would love to let go of some of these chores, but I am not willing for them to NOT be done! He will not pick up the slack. As example, there is one bathroom in the house that only he uses. I have not cleaned it in a couple months. I will not even set foot in this room it is so bad. He will not clean it in anyway. He also has a room that is "his computer room". I do not go in there as I have no reason to. This room has not been cleaned in a couple YEARS! I want to cry at its condition, but instead I just choose to stay away and am OK with it most of the time. Maybe this is what you mean by choice and how I choose to look at the situation? However, I cannot do this with the other chores that need to be done. I have much resentment that he is not willing to be a partner in our household.
Maybe this is where the part about praying to HP comes in? To pray that he will get me thru all I feel I need to do to keep our house running?
I just hope (pray) I can keep it up over the years!
Hello Fellow Acoas,
Well, I understand that you are on step 3, right? Well, here is my confusion. I was one who thought I had to earn love and approval with my deeds and my deeds were never enough, so, of course, it follows that I turned into a superachiever and everyone hated me even more for that! And, the cycle began. Step 3 is really hard for me, because I want to press on immediately to knowing God's will, to avoid complications, hhmmm, not really trusting, is it?
The problem is that day-to-day decisions must be met. What do I do in the meantime? Nothing? The fine line between too little action and too much action is not clear to me yet. Hmm, can only pray for help. The mental decision, as John suggests, is there. So, quo vadis now? Patience?
Toto(formerly, Carla)
umm.. Step 11 is where we press on to, to discover what the will of God is and get the grace to do it.. Step 10 is where we do our moment to moment self inventory. Sometimes we can't just do only one Step.. you're right about that. I could do just Step 1 either... it was just to scary to admit that everything was out of control with no prospect of getting things in some kind of control,, so I had to do Steps 1, 2, and 3, fairly close together. I actually did all 12 Steps in about 2 months,,, the first time. But sometimes,, even tho we are very, very anxious and fearful about what might happen if we don't have total control it is good for us to let go a little bit... to give some to God, and through Him to let go of control of other people some. To let God care for us does not mean that we sit idly by, but that we know more of the boundaries between what is God's job, what are other people's things, and what are ours. We tend to think it is alll one us, that we have all the responsibility, and that we need to have total control,,, and of course we can't do all that. The Serenity Prayer is:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
just the other day I caught myself, when thinking about something that had to be done,, gritting my teeth to make it all happen by myself,,, and then I remembered God... God has become my functional Parent,,, when before I was the one that did most everything in my family as oldest child with dysfunctional parents. I don't have to do that anymore.
love in recovery,
amanda
WOW! This sounds so like me and my A!
In talking with a bishop that was to my A about our problems, he hit on this note, saying that to change his ways he first needs to change his thinking and to do that he needed to do more so he could feel better about himself, and then want to change.
I have tried this approach over the last few months and it seems to have backfired. I now find myself wanting to take control and do everything just so I don't have to hear him complain about him having to do it.
But what is too much? We are married and I do just about EVERYTHING to keep the house running. We now have 4 kids (youngest is 3 weeks). I am the only one that works, has always been that way. He does watch the children, ages 3, 5, and 9, the oldest 2 are in school. He has to pick up the 5 year old, which he complains about doing frequently. He cooks most the dinners and will vacuum the family and living room occasionally. He will clean up parts of his mess occasionally. I do the dishes, laundry, most cleaning, esecially the kitchen and bathrooms, and cook 2 to 3 dinners out of the week. I manage the finances so much that he does not see a penny of it. I even go to the store to buy everything, including his beer (he knows I hate doing this, but I am willing to go to the places with the best deal whereas he goes where it is most expensive, only reason why I keep doing it). IF I do not do these things, then they will not get done or will pile up (such as dishes) so bad I will go insane looking at them!
All this has beaten me down in many ways. I would love to let go of some of these chores, but I am not willing for them to NOT be done! He will not pick up the slack. As example, there is one bathroom in the house that only he uses. I have not cleaned it in a couple months. I will not even set foot in this room it is so bad. He will not clean it in anyway. He also has a room that is "his computer room". I do not go in there as I have no reason to. This room has not been cleaned in a couple YEARS! I want to cry at its condition, but instead I just choose to stay away and am OK with it most of the time. Maybe this is what you mean by choice and how I choose to look at the situation? However, I cannot do this with the other chores that need to be done. I have much resentment that he is not willing to be a partner in our household.
Maybe this is where the part about praying to HP comes in? To pray that he will get me thru all I feel I need to do to keep our house running?
I just hope (pray) I can keep it up over the years!