Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves
Courage to Change page 55
When I work the Steps I tell my HP that I am willing to heal, to find a solution, to feel better.The energy that would have been dumped into tears and aggression can be turned into positive actions.
My Share
Today this step is easy and one I perform semi annually but in the beginning the thought of looking within was extremely daunting.The terror of seeing me for whom I waswas oh so frightening!!!. Iwas sure I would discover that what my FOO( or my inner demon voice) toldmeabout myself was true)My sponsor assured me that this was not soThat this step was crucial to my recovery.It is here that I discover that I am human, accept that I make mistakes, have assets and have some destructive behaviors that no longer serve me.It is important to look and see this now because I have a way to change them, including this program.
Without, I presented a perfect picture. Perfect clothes. Perfect smile, perfect job, and perfect family: as if all was right in my world. I used denial of reality and pretend to keep everyone including myself from seeing the dysfunction, the anger, the pain and sadness that lived within the heart of me. Inside I was dying. The pain and anxiety were unmanageable when finally my pretend tools stopped working.
So I listed my resentments, my sadness, and my anger at people, places and things from my past and looked for my part in the madness.
Much to my surprise, I did have a part. I had learned many destructive ways to communicate as I grew up in an alcoholic home. One was to manipulate people into doing what I wanted. I did this by being kind, and nice with hidden motives to get my way. In fact the motives for all my actions were self-seeking and pretentious.
. I was dishonest about my feelings, and my needs. I used sarcasm, and gossip, as my main form of connecting with others. I resented anyone who had what I wanted, I was arrogant in my behavior and judgment of others, I wanted it all NOW without working for it, AND I had no desire to develop patience, or learn how to work toward a goal. This attitude lead to completely UNREALISTIC expectations of me and others.
I could not trust anyone and so I kept everyone at a distance. I discovered the first person to abandon me was ME. I would not let you near so I kept the focus on you and off me. I would not reveal me to anyone and so I was very lost and lonely inside.
The more I looked the more I discovered that although I was far from perfect, I was very human---- something I did not want to be!!!.----I wanted to be God!!! And not have any Human imperfect traits at all. That awareness leads me to my biggest resentment of all ---- HP.
I always refused to accept the world and the pain as it was. I was very angry with HP for not fixing it and making it easier for us all. I saw the pain and suffering of all living creatures and could not accept the concept of "Life ON Life's terms.
.
Many of these defects have, by the Grace of God been lifted and the pain associated with them are a thing of the past. I know I must remain vigilant, work my program and continue to review my inner motives and drivers or this reprieve will be lifted and my spiritual awakening will slowly drift away. I will, once again "fall asleep" to my behavior and how destructive it has been and be right back in the darkness from which I have been set free.
Thanks for letting me share.
Step 4 questions?
Am I am willing to look honestly at myself?If not why not?
Do I understand the Spiritual principle of an Inventory?
How am I tolerant?
Can I listen to another point of views?
How do I open myself up to another?
How do I look for the good in others?
How am I optimistic?
How do I judge myself?
Am I fearful, What do I fear and why?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 14th of May 2013 02:23:29 PM
Jerry F said
May 15, 2013
Aloha Hotrod...my experience with step 4 has also been a long one and I believe that 4 is so necessary to coming to understand the one person I've lived my entire life with and didn't know anything about until Al-Anon and the steps. I've done 6 4th steps each one more searching, fearless and moral and each one with experienced Al-Anon members and outside support. My first and second 4th steps were without the knowledge that I was a dual personality so the awarenesses I was getting were fractured and not firm. By the time I got to the last...searching, fearless and moral inventory my search was for the "taproot" of all of my character defects. The last 5th step with my sponsor contained only one word; the taproot of it all where I know where my dysfunction is coming from whenever it tries to rise above the surface. I know the solution to it and whenever I get into that solution the problem subsides and I remain in balance...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
The step 4 questions you have listed are soooo necessary because they define for me the "humility" my sponsors told me was so necessary to gaining success in the program. "Humility is being teachable"... being teachable means I can and will change. Mahalo for your service and support. (((((Hugs)))))
Lyne said
May 19, 2013
My understanding is that I will be doing the steps or some of them many times. I wanted to try and respond to Betty's questions. -Yes I am willing to look honestly at myself. I have been doing it for years. I don't always like what I find but especially for the sake of having a grown son, I have had to face my problems. -I think I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory. I think it is to look deep into my soul and see both the good and the bad. Years ago I could only see bad. As messed up as I feel lately, I do recognize good in me. I think God loves me. I try very hard to be kind to all including myself. I speak to God every morning and throughout the day. I know I need help. I know my A's illness has made me sick. -Sometimes I think I am too tolerant. My A has crushed me the last 7-8 yrs: drinking, lying, driving drunk, not coming home, having an affair of the heart, sneaking around, wasting money on lotto, overeating, etc. She has agreed to try OA and went to her first meeting today. I should have separated yrs ago but I am still here and willing to give her one last chance. She must be in recovery for me to stay with her at this point. -I listen to other people and what they have to say. -I think I am closed as far as opening up to others. I am open to my son, my sister, one brother, and 4 very dear friends, but I don't let new people in. -I'm in a helping field and I look for the good in others all day long, year after year. -I have to work on being optimistic. I do believe with alanon and God I can get out of the emotional hole I am in, but I have been stuck here for many wks. I briefly had a sponsor and that helped. -I used to be a very harsh judge on myself, but I now try to treat myself the way I treat others-with respect and forgiveness. -I have a number of fears. My son and dtr-in-law are sick of my A also. I have a beautiful granddaughter. I fear losing them because of my A. I fear not having enough money when I retire. I fear my physical problems as my family has serious spine issues.
Betty-Thank you for helping me along this pathway, Lyne
hotrod said
May 29, 2013
Dear jerry and Lyne
Thank you both for you honest and insightful share I too hated the idea of looking inward because I thought that I had no way to change what I found.
The power of this program is that there is a solution If I see what I do is destructive I now have a way tto change it and forgive myself. What a gift that is
Jerry another great gift of this program is Humility. How powerful that simple asset has become Thank you alanon for humility
Jayne said
Sep 27, 2013
I am so relieved to learn I can do step 4 over and over. I am writing and rewriting the moral inventory. It is painful to see the many times I let myself down because I didn't want to upset my addict. I have spent 20 years making sure I didn't disturb him too much. I never saw how co-dependent I was until now...I thought it was just being a good partner. So desparate for things to be the way I felt they should be rather than willing to see them the way they are.
I am grateful I can change.
Meandyoucanrecovertogether said
Jun 9, 2017
Thank you for responding on Step 4. I am getting ready to write on my 4th Step Inventory. I'm not sure what I will find but I'm willing to do it. I have been feeling stuck lately and I'm hoping and praying Step 4 will aid in being able to move past whatever it is that is holding me back. I'm praying for relief for my weary soul. Thanks again. ğğ½
hotrod said
Jun 12, 2017
Welcome Meandyou I hAVE FOUND THAT REWOKING THE STEPS DID HELP ME TO UNCOVER MANY OF MY HIDDEN NEGATIVE ATTITUDES AND GROW.
Alanon 12 Steps and 12 Traditions page 1
IN ALANON WE BELIEVE LIFE IS FOR GROWTH
-PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL
Step 4
Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves
Courage to Change page 55
When I work the Steps I tell my HP that I am willing to heal, to find a solution, to feel better.The energy that would have been dumped into tears and aggression can be turned into positive actions.
My Share
Today this step is easy and one I perform semi annually but in the beginning the thought of looking within was extremely daunting.The terror of seeing me for whom I waswas oh so frightening!!!. Iwas sure I would discover that what my FOO( or my inner demon voice) toldmeabout myself was true)My sponsor assured me that this was not soThat this step was crucial to my recovery.It is here that I discover that I am human, accept that I make mistakes, have assets and have some destructive behaviors that no longer serve me.It is important to look and see this now because I have a way to change them, including this program.
Without, I presented a perfect picture. Perfect clothes. Perfect smile, perfect job, and perfect family: as if all was right in my world. I used denial of reality and pretend to keep everyone including myself from seeing the dysfunction, the anger, the pain and sadness that lived within the heart of me. Inside I was dying. The pain and anxiety were unmanageable when finally my pretend tools stopped working.
So I listed my resentments, my sadness, and my anger at people, places and things from my past and looked for my part in the madness.
Much to my surprise, I did have a part. I had learned many destructive ways to communicate as I grew up in an alcoholic home. One was to manipulate people into doing what I wanted. I did this by being kind, and nice with hidden motives to get my way. In fact the motives for all my actions were self-seeking and pretentious.
. I was dishonest about my feelings, and my needs. I used sarcasm, and gossip, as my main form of connecting with others. I resented anyone who had what I wanted, I was arrogant in my behavior and judgment of others, I wanted it all NOW without working for it, AND I had no desire to develop patience, or learn how to work toward a goal. This attitude lead to completely UNREALISTIC expectations of me and others.
I could not trust anyone and so I kept everyone at a distance. I discovered the first person to abandon me was ME. I would not let you near so I kept the focus on you and off me. I would not reveal me to anyone and so I was very lost and lonely inside.
The more I looked the more I discovered that although I was far from perfect, I was very human---- something I did not want to be!!!.----I wanted to be God!!! And not have any Human imperfect traits at all. That awareness leads me to my biggest resentment of all ---- HP.
I always refused to accept the world and the pain as it was. I was very angry with HP for not fixing it and making it easier for us all. I saw the pain and suffering of all living creatures and could not accept the concept of "Life ON Life's terms.
.
Many of these defects have, by the Grace of God been lifted and the pain associated with them are a thing of the past. I know I must remain vigilant, work my program and continue to review my inner motives and drivers or this reprieve will be lifted and my spiritual awakening will slowly drift away. I will, once again "fall asleep" to my behavior and how destructive it has been and be right back in the darkness from which I have been set free.
Thanks for letting me share.
Step 4 questions?
Am I am willing to look honestly at myself?If not why not?
Do I understand the Spiritual principle of an Inventory?
How am I tolerant?
Can I listen to another point of views?
How do I open myself up to another?
How do I look for the good in others?
How am I optimistic?
How do I judge myself?
Am I fearful, What do I fear and why?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 14th of May 2013 02:23:29 PM
Aloha Hotrod...my experience with step 4 has also been a long one and I believe that 4 is so necessary to coming to understand the one person I've lived my entire life with and didn't know anything about until Al-Anon and the steps. I've done 6 4th steps each one more searching, fearless and moral and each one with experienced Al-Anon members and outside support. My first and second 4th steps were without the knowledge that I was a dual personality so the awarenesses I was getting were fractured and not firm. By the time I got to the last...searching, fearless and moral inventory my search was for the "taproot" of all of my character defects. The last 5th step with my sponsor contained only one word; the taproot of it all where I know where my dysfunction is coming from whenever it tries to rise above the surface. I know the solution to it and whenever I get into that solution the problem subsides and I remain in balance...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
The step 4 questions you have listed are soooo necessary because they define for me the "humility" my sponsors told me was so necessary to gaining success in the program. "Humility is being teachable"... being teachable means I can and will change. Mahalo for your service and support. (((((Hugs)))))
-Yes I am willing to look honestly at myself. I have been doing it for years. I don't always like what I find but especially for the sake of having a grown son, I have had to face my problems.
-I think I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory. I think it is to look deep into my soul and see both the good and the bad. Years ago I could only see bad. As messed up as I feel lately, I do recognize good in me. I think God loves me. I try very hard to be kind to all including myself. I speak to God every morning and throughout the day. I know I need help. I know my A's illness has made me sick.
-Sometimes I think I am too tolerant. My A has crushed me the last 7-8 yrs: drinking, lying, driving drunk, not coming home, having an affair of the heart, sneaking around, wasting money on lotto, overeating, etc. She has agreed to try OA and went to her first meeting today. I should have separated yrs ago but I am still here and willing to give her one last chance. She must be in recovery for me to stay with her at this point.
-I listen to other people and what they have to say.
-I think I am closed as far as opening up to others. I am open to my son, my sister, one brother, and 4 very dear friends, but I don't let new people in.
-I'm in a helping field and I look for the good in others all day long, year after year.
-I have to work on being optimistic. I do believe with alanon and God I can get out of the emotional hole I am in, but I have been stuck here for many wks. I briefly had a sponsor and that helped.
-I used to be a very harsh judge on myself, but I now try to treat myself the way I treat others-with respect and forgiveness.
-I have a number of fears. My son and dtr-in-law are sick of my A also. I have a beautiful granddaughter. I fear losing them because of my A. I fear not having enough money when I retire. I fear my physical problems as my family has serious spine issues.
Betty-Thank you for helping me along this pathway, Lyne
Dear jerry and Lyne
Thank you both for you honest and insightful share I too hated the idea of looking inward because I thought that I had no way to change what I found.
The power of this program is that there is a solution
If I see what I do is destructive I now have a way tto change it and forgive myself. What a gift that is
Jerry another great gift of this program is Humility. How powerful that simple asset has become Thank you alanon for humility
I am grateful I can change.