4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Do this step.
This one is where people procrastinate, make excuses, skip, or even quit the steps over. We don't want to own up to what we've done. Or we're afraid we're going to beat ourselves up over and over again. I took a long time to do this step myself because of this. However, I went to the workbook and found that it didn't have to go as I had feared. And that's because of a key principle: blamelessness.
We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done and what was done to us. We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.
To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
It's okay if you don't relate to each one. Just write about the ones that do apply to you. But please...
Do this step.
-- Edited by JamesCT on Monday 20th of May 2013 11:44:39 PM
Lyne said
May 28, 2013
I really relate to # 12. I'm in my 2nd marriage which that statement explains perfectly. I thought I learned after husband #1 but no, now I have the same deal again. I will do some writing on this step. I responded to hot rods step 4 questions but they haven't appeared on the board. It sounds like you want us to do this writing in our own book, not here on the board. I'm happy to say for a lot of the statements I have made progress on, but apparently not enough to be stuck in my same situation with spouse #2. Thank you for your help, Lyne
KayCee said
May 28, 2013
I can related to all 14, but #10 is where I have the most trouble...Ive stuffed for so long, my own feelings scare the crap out of me! I always deny, act like I have no " hang ups," but I have so many.! Its REALLY hard for me to show myself, eve.n to my kids
DavidG said
May 29, 2013
Thanks James, and y'all... I read this today- made up my mind I needed to tidy, but I did not need a spring clean. So I am looking at steps 8 and 9.
Sometimes i try far too hard. I used to be far too hard on myself. My daily work and meditation teaches me to 'go easy', but to go well.
When I began here I worked both Alanon and ACA steps and traditions. It was a bit like being the citizen of two countries, which were fairly alike.
Up on this step arena we do not hide our allegiances... I built heaps of trust and the foundation of friendship on both sides, and that is great!
ncbeachbum86 said
Aug 14, 2013
Working through this step the hardest part so far has been thinking about how I've harmed others to break through my denial. I feel like the most harm I've done others is lying to them. Maybe not outright or consciously, but by saying things I think they'd approve of or by saying nothing. That type of behavior is not isolated to a few events or interactions. I've also abandoned friends, because other friends did it first. I've been a chameleon, blending in, and expected love in return. And I've needed that love to feel happy, because I have very little love for myself. When I don't get what I need, I turn inward. And beat myself up some more. I don't blame others usually because I know that if I do, they might abandon me. Everyone else is perfect and I am a mess. And the only way to keep people in my life is to appear not a mess, and to blend in. My feelings are not important to me, or I don't know what I feel. I've tried to fix. To do more than my share, or never make a mistake, in order to make myself feel superior, so people would like me.
I am so ready to just be me, accepting, loving, and showing all my strengths and faults.
4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Do this step.
This one is where people procrastinate, make excuses, skip, or even quit the steps over. We don't want to own up to what we've done. Or we're afraid we're going to beat ourselves up over and over again. I took a long time to do this step myself because of this. However, I went to the workbook and found that it didn't have to go as I had feared. And that's because of a key principle: blamelessness.
We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done and what was done to us. We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.
To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.
It's okay if you don't relate to each one. Just write about the ones that do apply to you. But please...
Do this step.
-- Edited by JamesCT on Monday 20th of May 2013 11:44:39 PM
Sometimes i try far too hard. I used to be far too hard on myself. My daily work and meditation teaches me to 'go easy', but to go well.
When I began here I worked both Alanon and ACA steps and traditions. It was a bit like being the citizen of two countries, which were fairly alike.
Up on this step arena we do not hide our allegiances... I built heaps of trust and the foundation of friendship on both sides, and that is great!
I am so ready to just be me, accepting, loving, and showing all my strengths and faults.