STEP 5

ADMITTED TO GOD, TO OURSELVESs AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS

Doing the 4thstep was a spiritual experience I learned I was not as bad as I thought and that I was simply human 

Paths to recovery page 61

My Share

I was confused by the wording of this Step it did not say recount everything I had written in Step 4.  Step 4 wanted me to look within and discover who I was and do an inventory of myself.  I was asked to look at the good, the bad and the ugly.  Having done that this step now said, to me read over all that you  have written and attempt to see  see a pattern that of behavior that ran throughout  my motives and hidden behavior.  That was where my wrongs actually did reside..  In my calculating hidden motives and drivers

It was also also suggested that   I look at the 7 deadly sins and see how they fit into the equation of my actions

The exact nature of my wrongs

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Number one and most important was:

My anger and resentment toward my HP because I felt I did not get what I deserved in life. In retrospect, with my alanon glasses of gratitude, I see I had such abundance but did not appreciate all the goodness I had. This was a huge defect on my part.

Number 2 Exact nature of my wrongs

I really wanted to be a princess. I did not want to do anything. I wanted to have everyone else do things I wanted to be in control, judge them, criticism them but I did not want to risk myself on ANYTHING.

The third wrong was I could not. / would not trust anyone because I was afraid of being hurt and not getting what I needed and wanted.

The 4 the big driver was my "pride" I always thought I was a humble compassionate person but I discovered that was a "smoke screen" to manipulate people to get what I wanted. I did not feel loving or compassionate to people, I pretended much of my goodness.

5 th wrong I hated being human I wanted to be perfect, never make a mistake and always be perfect In other words I wanted to be God.

That was enough for my first attempt and after working this step with my sponsor, praying about it, the freedom I felt was unbelievable. For the first time in my life I had given myself permission to be human and it was wonderful. I did not have to be perfect. I could struggle, make mistakes, stumble, try succeeding and experience life on life's terms what a gift.

I have done many other 4 Th and 5 Th steps but this experience was the most profound. I urge everyone to continue working these truly amazing tools to recovery.

Thank you for letting me share

Questions

Can I admit that I am not perfect?

Could I make a list of my fears and turn them over What are my fears?

Do I understand the healing relief that honestly admitting my faults can bring?

In doing this step what have I learned about fear honesty trust

After doing this Step how do I feeel?

I have grown with this step through my relationship with my sponsor.  I am 59 years old and have never had a relationship, until my sponsor, where I felt I could explore and share the secrets I knew and did not know about me.  As a result of sharing with her and have her listen without judgment, I find it much easier to share with others, after I do my own inventory and see my boogers.  This process has been freeing/cleansing and, now that I know better what that feels like, I won't go back to being a prisoner within me. 

Thank you PP for your share and clarity 

I love your statement "I won't go back to being a prisoner within me.  That is such  a clear picture of what I too did to myself.  What a gift these Steps are!!!!!

Glad we are sharing the journey.