Hello,

I am new to this site, and new to ACOA.  There was no alcohol or drug abuse in my family.  They were just so totally dysfunctional that I can identify with the Laundry List, the Problem, the traits and now am seeking the solution.

I have just started to write in my journal about every single thing I can remember in my life.  I am working Step one and have a sponsor now.  I am looking forward to when I have progressed and actually learn how to play, have fun and re-parent myself.

I am going to try to do the online meetings.  I'm having a little trouble with it not wanting to connect but maybe I will get that fixed soon.

 

 

Hi Amanda2u2,

I have many books now.  Just ordered a bunch last week.  I have the 12 steps a way out workbook, and the 12 steps for adult children.  I have not started that yet.  I have been reading "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst and "Adult Children-The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families" by John and Linda Friel.  I've heard too that Claudia Black is suppose to be quite good.  I am anxious to start the 12 steps.  I'm trying to get my story written down first and then start on the Laundry List of traits and work the first step.  Does that seem like a pretty good way to start????

Any ideas for why I can't get into a meeting room?  It shows I'm in, but maybe if there is no meeting going on it just sits there????  Not sure.  I am sometimes just happy I can figure out how to find a new site and post.  Know what I mean???

I

the two books, '12 Steps for Adult Children', and '12 Steps a Way Out' are really basically the same thing,, only the 'Way Out' is a work book. they have been super helpful to me. The meeting rooms are giving a few people problems..  now..  when you click on the meeting room link, it brings you to the page and then you hvae to scroll down..  When you scroll down you will see a grey or white square which should be loading. When it is done loading it should bring you into the room, which looks like a chat room...  but lately some of them have not been loading properly. When you do get into the chat room, the first you do is to type your nick name. Try the alanon meeting room and see if you can get into that, and try e-mailing the webmaster to see about what's wrong with the meeting room you're trying to get into. k?

love in recovery,

amanda

 

Thanks Amanda2u2,

I'll give the meeting a try this afternoon at 4:00 PST.  Yesterday when I tried it came up in French.  Now I know some French......but that would be a little interesting!  Hopefully I'll be able to connect up.   Thanks for the help.

Hi Amanda and pscsquint, Hmmm, I'm not acoa but something brought me to this thread today. My mom was sexually abused, never dealth with it there were issues because of it. More issues than had she dealt with it. My Dad was overly controlling, strict and distant. Though he loved me I know in his own way. I used to joke my first few months of recovery that my mom was just like an A without the alcohol. I'm learning that she was very codependent, and it appears my dad may have been as well. Not sure about him. Mom definately. My house was mass dysfunction, pitting me the only child against one parent, sometimes having to parent myself, and other times covering for another parents actions. Hearing that many dysfucntions could lead to aloholic home type scenarios is new to me. Makes sense but I never heard it before. I'm reading Codependent No More. I'm wondering if some of the literature you guys mentioned would be worth my reading as well. Sux I'm a slow reader. LOL Well thanks for the thread and the insight. Bob

Hi there Bob,

What I have discovered is that my mom was the addict.  She was just so dysfunctional, raging and jealous, and mean and hurtful and I could fill up all available space on this and 6 other sites describing her dysfunction.  My mom was and addict with out any alcohol or drugs.  My dad enabled her because he needed her to put him through medical school.  So, if we got locked up in closets, or rooms, or just yelled at and hit....well, he just stayed out of it.

Meanwhile here I am with no adult skills.  I am still reacting like I am the kid in the closet!  There are some really good tools out there.  I have read Codependent No More myself and have her daily meditations called Journey to the Heart.  What I actually have found that works the best for me are books dealing with issues of Adult Children.  Because that really is what we are.

I have listened to an online address by Earnie Larsen about Connecting the Dots of Recovery.  He mentions that we need to write our story so we know what incidents happened to us in childhood.  Then we can focus on that issue and find out what that has caused us to act like in adulthood.  For instance....if your mom packed a suitcase and left you forever and did that every 3 days from the time you were 4 years old until you were 16 (as happened in my family) it is pretty obvious that caused abandonment issues in me.  So, now that I know I feel abandonded, what I have to do is practice a new behavior.  I am not 4 years old anymore and I don't have to cry, have a temper, accuse my partner of not being there for me.  What I have to do is develop a skill that will replace that crying, temper....etc.

Days of Healing- Days of Joy are short meditations.  You read one each day.  It is a wonderful way for me to start my day.  It keeps me focused on my program and that I can not just act like an idiot all day and get away with it.

Adult Children The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families by John and Linda Friel is also excellent.  On page 18 it lists 65 troubles that plague Adult Children.  I can own about 80% of them.  The last part of that book describes Recovery - What we need to be doing now.  Talks about uncovering and admitting and working a program.

I am also starting to work on my story.  I am writing down in 10 year installments what I remember of my life.  I just finished the first 10 years and it is a real eye opener.  Next I will take all of those incidents and look at how they have made me today.  Then I need to start work on each and everyone of them and try to replace with better behaviors. 

I have purchased many other books, but trying to not rush through them.  But trying to read them in a more controlled fashion.  It's not like I could get better any faster if I read them all today, right?  I have been told that the AA Big Book might be good for me to look at because I guess chapter 9 deals with the family.  I plan on having that as my next purchase. 

I am looking at the Laundry List and working the 12 steps.  I am at step one!  Thrilled to be here.  Sorry if I have gone on and on.  If I can share any knowledge I'm just so happy to do it. 

You mentioned that your mom was sexually abused and never dealt with it.  I'm thinking that you might get a lot of insight and assistance by reading some of the literature for Adult Children.   Have a nice day Bob.    pscsquint