Hi all!

I am new here and been reading up on the step work.  First, I'd like to introduce myself:

I am a 28 year old married mom of 4, ages 9, 5, almost 4, and 3 weeks!  I am also a professional and take pride in my accomplishments with my career.  I work for a religious-based non-profit HQ in the IT department and I LOVE my job and co-workers, without them I'd have gone mad!

Now for the hard part and the part of my life that brings me here.  My husband of 6 years is my A.  I have had issues with this part of my life for years and so many of my feelings and thoughts have been expressed by others here!  I have run the gammit of emotions, tried controlling, tried convincing and mind changing, then pleading with, ultimatiums, etc.  Even accomplished (or so I felt) a dry period of 6 months 5 years ago by almost getting a divorce. At that time I reached the conclusion that the love was gone, all his focus was on beer and the computer, mostly people, including girls he met online ( I believe he is a sex addict too and this was his way of getting that out as I KNOW he has not cheated). I did not want to live "trapped" in that relationship and thought he felt the same way.  Well, he expressed that he wanted to stay together so I expressed my dislike for the verbal abse and the drinking and lack of attention to the family so he said he'd change and did for 6 months.  I now realize (by his snide remarks) he saw this as an ultimatum and me controlling him.  Gradually, he started drinking again and repeating old habits.  All this to come full circle back to square 1.  I now realize for me to be happy in my life, I need to focus more on ME and what I want from life.  This thought is what brings me here.  After reading the posts I think working these steps will help me reach that happiness with or without my A.

Now, I would like to take this opportunity to espress my thoughts on the steps that I have worked out so far.  If I am out of place in doing so, please disregard the rest of this message.  If not, I would LOVE feedback from all!

Step 1-  Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have been here before unknowingly 5 years ago and I am hear again.  When I wanted the divorce 5 years ago, I had let go of the thoughts that he would someday change and just wanted out of the whole relationship.  I had admitted to myself I had no control over how he decided to live his life.  His response to the divorce changed that idea and so we started over.  I am now back to that point again.  BUT I have realized quite a bit from the shares of this step.  I realized how I have been controling EVERYTHING to run our household and even though I cmplained about being the only responsible member of our house, I TOOK control of everything.  I also tried to express my opinions on others in my family in regards to their problems and would become aggitated if they did not follow that advice!  I believe now that I did this to take my mind off my own issues that plagued me all the time.  Now that I realize this and have admitted to myself that I cannot control all, I feel more at peace with myself.  I feel it is the beginning of a road I am embarking on that will lead to a happier lifestyle for ME.  I plan to remind myself of this everytime I feel the need to control something.  I know this will be a continuous work in progress.  I have decided that the first action to take would be (although it is small to some it is giant for me!) to let my A go to the store for his own supply.  I have been keeping control by going the store for everything instead of giving him money ( I am the sole income earner and sole financial manager of the house) to get it on his own.  I resent everytime I have to go buy his beer, feeling like I look like the drunk to everyone!  AND he accuses me of financial abuse since I do not give him any money (we are in not so good financial shape and there is nothing extra to spare! A concept he does not understand). I hope this will have 2 effects, killing his financial abuse claims and help me release some control.

step 2 Came to believe that a Power greater tham ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This is a concept I have gradually adopted over the last couple years.  This coming from working for a christian organization.  I began by praying to my HP (god) during times of need.  This progressed into thanking him for the good that happened in my life no matter how small, to now turning over my problems to him and believing that it will be OK.  I will have some difficulty aplying this to my A but I will continuously work at it whenever the need arises, especially when I fret over the kids in this situation.  This is especially difficult for me.  Thankfully thekids do not see his drinking.  He only does it after they are asleep.  He loves them dearly and plays with them often.  For this the love him dearly.  My 9 yer old has even asked when we've had a fight if we would divorce.  He even expressed to me on another occasion that he would want to be with his dad because he is more fun!  This hurt to the core knowing what I know and how I feel.  He does verbally abuse them at times ( in my oppinion, not his) and I Hate it when he does, knowing what it does to their self esteem.  Yet they all still adore him.  His health is another issue I will need to turn over to my HP.  He constantly complains about this ailment or that but when I state go to the doctor he refuses stating he will just "die".  This tears me up and even though I have told him so, he still continues this line of thinking.  I will just have to turn it over and let him be.

Thanks to all who read thru all this.  It feels good to get this down in a message.

 

 

welcome to the board! Thanks for sharing. 

I have a question. Are you a perfectionist?  I have been a real perfectionist and have been trying to deal with that. My father was a perfectionist too.

I had a boyfriend once that seemed to me to be pretty incompetent in a lot of things, and I tried to take up the slack, and it got so I was doing everything,,, because the more I criticized him, the more I did... the less self-confidence he had, he felt more insecure with me, and so did less and less and less,,, and it got to be a vicious cycle. There is a great section in the AA 12x12 book about the A and his wife being like a delinquent child with a mommy, and how to get out of that into being a grown man and his wife. It's funny,,,  a woman with a man,,,  we can't do it 'for' them,,, it has to come from inside them. *sighs* 

just random thoughts here

let's keep on working those Steps,

Step 3 is where we let go and trust God to be working in our lives and in theirs,

amanda

I have thought myself to be a perfectionist t times in the past.  I do not think I am that way with EVERYTHING.  I have also mellowed out on the tendency to perfect at certain things and just do what is requied or my best effort.

Funny you mentioned this.  He is a perfectionist!  So much so that if he even thinks he will not do it "right" in his eyes he wil not do it at all.  Very frustrating for me since I have an attitude of "practice makes perfect" and try to instill this in the kids where as he expects them to be right the first time.

Thanks for asking, brought up some new thoughts!

Hi Jolly - Welcome to the board. What a great share - thank you. Sounds like you are on the right track. Are you going to f2f Al-Anon meetings? Al-Anon has been a life line for me. Many years with active drinking - including physical abuse - and no program had left me empty. Al-Anon gave me back myself. It made it possible for me to let go of the shame and guilt I felt from the years of abuse. I'm not a religious person but I know I have a Power that is greater than me that I ask to direct my thoughts and actions each day. As long as I get out of the way it works. Glad you're here . Keep coming back. Love and hugs - Dot

The 12 Step program has a slogan "Progress, not perfection".  One of the biggest things I've learned is that I may be an 'idealist'. I am an idealist. I believe in ideals that are perfection. I used to have a lot of difficulty reconciling the reality with the ideal. Reality always falls so far short! And I thought, like the commercial, that 99 44/100% pure was still not pure and so not good enough.   The half full glass of water - I saw the half empty part. My family had a pattern of expecting perfection, and if a fault could be found then there was an excuse for 'punishment' , rejection, abuse.  It could be that your husband was subject to that also. If a tiny fault found let's me in for rejection, abuse and punishment, then I have to expect punishment for anything I do, cuz it is never perfect, or good enough,,  since good enough has to be perfect.  Since all the others in my family were less capable than me of doing things, I shouldered a lot of responsiblity and to try to make it turn out better, I had to guide them, help them,,,,  end up doing it myself. They would give up and leave me to do it.

I was the same with my own child...  my standards were perfectionistic. I understood that children have to learn, but I expected perfection in the learning process also...  A's in school, and after I explained something sufficiently they should do it well. I broke my child's spirit and he got convinced he couldn't do anything 'right'.

I got into the relationship that brought me back into recovery a couple of years ago. He was a perfectionist,,,  but I began to realize that his standards of what was 'perfection' were not the same as my standards.  What right did he have to impose his personal standards of perfection on me?  Was I obligated to try to meet his standards if I did not agree with them? Did I have a right to not agree with them?  He was very judgemental, always measuring how close to his standard of perfection I was coming, or not,,,  mostly not.  We broke up, which triggered so much stuff,,,,,   rejection, guilt, low self-esteem...  but then I wrestled with these issues,,  back at meetings. So he rejected me because I didn't do things his way. I was doing them the best I could.

I do believe in ideals. I believe in God as the ideal and creator of ideals. I believe He has patience with us, and loves us no matter what,,,  forgives us if we truly do something that hurts someone.  And I believe He gave us culturally more ways than one to do a lot of things. Different clothing styles, languages, music, food.  Vive la difference!

love in recovery,

amanda

Hi

I'm new also, however haven't started any steps yet, how do u start? is it online or by a book. My husband is also an A. and I'm almost beat down to the end!!! We have only been married for a yr and a half and the really ironic part of the whole thing is that I vowed never to marry and A, cuz I grew up w/an A father. I saw and experienced all the verbal, physical, sexual and emotional abuse I thought any one person could endure.

Then I marry one.....I had a wonderful marriage of 18 yrs. had 3 beautiful children: 1 girl and 2 boys who are now on there on and all very successful. I also have a 13 yr. grandson who just thinks his NaNa (that's me) hung the moon. He hates Dan my husband, and for a good reason. Due to an accident last yr in Aug. on the way to my middle son's wedding which we never made. My husband had been drinking and missed the exit in Houston which made us hit the huge barrells before the off ramp and it thru my grandson thru the windshield. Thank the Lord, he was ok, I know God had to be looking over us, he should have died. What everyone doesn't understand is that didn't even wake him up. He still drinks and drives.

Seems my story is exactly as yours is, only my children are grown and I'm a grandmother and mother who feels she has lost her family because I have stayed w/this man. I am going thru such anger right now, and I am so confulsed. I have left him 4 times and come back w/all his promises and "I'd rather have u than to look into the bottom of a beer can"! Well, I know now that wasn't so. I have never had this experience in a relationship; and there are some many things I feel I just don't know if it is worth staying w/him or not?!

Please someone let me know how to start these steps. 

Thanks again for that share, it was so awesome. Better go  it's time to get ready for the week-end.  Scary to me...

Patty

Some famous person said one time, 'you begin at the beginning'.  If you look back at this board to Step 1, that is the beginning of the Steps.  I read all the Steps through so I had an overview, a general idea of where each Step was leading. And then read the 1st Step from the book and related to it. We put here each Step from every point of view pretty well, so you can read them and try do do it. It really helps to go to face2face meetings,,  both to get the books and to learn from the old timers there about the program. 

We don't have to do the program or Steps perfectly the first time,,,  just get going the best we can to progress,,, and then we do them again.

wow! There sure was an angel with that child then, and I don't blame him for not wanting to be placed in danger again!

Sometimes we get into relationships because we are trying to resolve something,,, and we put a new person in an old person's  'slot'.  Gee,,,,   I would really think about this one.

you and your family are in my prayers,

amanda

Thanks amanda, that's  my neice's name. Her father my brother is one of the ones that disown me now cuz I'm w/my husband.  He grew up in that same disfunctinal family w/our A father, and he can't believe that I'm actually allowing Dan to abuse me verbally, like our mohter was.  So...instead of talking to me at all i guess he feels he won't have to hear what is going on, he would be furious.

It hurts me thou, cuz I feel I have no support! He is the only sibling I have left. My younger brother died many yrs ago from an intestinal infection. He was crimpled from the waste down; and was abuse phyically by my mother. My sister died at 37 w/a brain aneurism all of a sudden. So...he is the only sibling I have left. Found out from my niece, his dauther that he fought cancer last yr. and I didn't even know about it. I was so hurt!

However, dan got drunk tonite; but he was abusive this evening, what a relief; he is passed out now, that is why i'm able to respond to this so soon.

Anyway, probably won't see me over the week-end, cuz he gets upset when i'm on the internet. Thanks for the response, and you are right, this gets so confusing...But I'm praying that w/the steps, I can come to a real and honest dicission on what is best for my life.

Best to you

Patty Bedtime. Goodnite all and God Bless u all!!!!!!!!!

I know a lot of people only think in terms of what is best for themselves, but I don't. I try to think in terms of what is best for all concerned...  that means ev erybody,,  cuz what I do affects everybody. I can understand your brother,,,  he is actually kind of doing what a lot of people in the program do,,,  if you insist on participating in a very dysfunctional situation,,  you are choosing it,, then there is nothing he can do but just let you do what you want,,  but not participate in it. I've had to do that with a couple of people, including one recently,,  I love them a lot,,  but they are insisting on living destructive lifestyles and they don't care what I think or how that affects me,,  so I am giving them lots of space.

A few years back I had to think, not only of how a relationship was affecting me, but also how it was affecting my young child...  I owe my child something, including keeping him safe,,,  and so I gave up a couple of relationships because they were not only not good for me, but bad for my child also. When my child grew up and went out on his own, then I thought I can do what I want and it won't affect him so much,,  but he wants me still to be in a good relationship, cuz it makes him sad if he knows I am with someone who is messing me up, and can't be anything to him.

There is a difference between abandoning someone who is trying their best and is not perfect, abandoning someone who is young and dependent,,,  and making a space between me and someone who is choosing chaos and a whirlwind that is affecting everyone.

Are you going to any kind of counseling to sort out what you are doing and where you want to go from this moment?

love in recovery,

amanda

Hey Amanda. I am coming back to the program. I am at 6 weeks clean. I almost had a year before but I wanted to do it my way and my way led to a relapse. I got a sponsor today. I picked one that wouldn't sugar coat and would take my crap. I feel good today and hope you do also.  Anyway, welcome and hope to hear from you.

My bad I apologize. I didn't realize that Lolipoop wrote that. I guess I am really an alcoholic