MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAVE HARMED AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL
Paths to Recoverypage 87One of the most important things in Step 8 is that it is for me.If others reap the benefit that is a bonus all I need to do in this step is to become willing!!! .If I make the list and become willing I will reap the benefits
My Share,
Here is a simple Step on the first reading.I am just asked to make a list of all those I have harmed.Wow what a tall request when I consider the different person I was when I first arrived.Sure I was perfect, everyone was hurting me and if they all would change I would be a Saint
Many meetings, many Steps and alanon calls under my belt I was able to admit that Yes I had harmed others.
First I had to ask myself: To define the type of Harm I had done. In reviewing my 4 and 5 Step I found that most of the harm I had done to others was: in doing for them what they should and could do for themselves. I took away their initiative and their feeling of accomplishment by taking the credit for activities they could have achieved. I harmed other by gossiping and judging them. Most importantly I harmed others by ignoring them, not including them, deciding I did not like them and just walking away without explanation. I was running on feelings and forgot about principles.
The person I harmed the most was placed at the top of my list and that was MYSELF
I had mistreated myself just as I had mistreated others. I had not validated my assets, I had withdrawn from situations without participating and all in all I had lived in a world of Denial and Pretend.
Since I was first on my list of amends I made the amends to myself first. These amends consisted of: preparing a gratitude list and asset list each day. ,attending at least 5 meetings a week, working the alanon program with a sponsor, sharing a meetings, using the slogans ODAT focused on myself letting go of my defects. In about 6 months I found I had become entirely ready to make amends to others on my list.
I urge you to begin this step it is the road to freedom.
Activities
Step 8 Questions
Have I considered placing myself at the top of my list?
Have I resisted making a list?If so why?
How did I use the 4th Step to prepare my list?
How do I use rationalization or justification to block me from making the list?
How willing am I to be completely honest?
Do I recognize that my minding someones business may have harmed them or others and am I willing to see the need for my amends?
Which people on my list as I willing to contact first?Why?
KayCee said
Jul 12, 2013
Hello, Hotrod, Thank u soo much for your insight... It very accuratley describes what Ive been living. Yea, I can, and will put me on my list,,,I guess I have rationalized so I didnt have to let go of all my judgemental resentments, so I hung on. I ve asked God to help me let go now.I must start with my 4 awesome adult children.I can only imagine how much Ive crippled them. I have to encourage them to grow, and not be afraid they will outgrow me. Im not ready to move any further than that, yet. A gtatitude list to start each day sounds helpful.... God bless, Thanks for sharing.
hotrod said
Jul 12, 2013
Dear Donna
Great insight It really is progress not perfection Keep on keeping on
grateful2be said
Jul 12, 2013
Recently, I posted that I was frustrated with what I judged to be poor customer service at my CU and other places. This hasn't been a new thing for me - it has been going on for quite awhile. I've tried what I thought was everything to bring about a resolution that I could live with that felt like both parties were in an equal partnership. Nothing worked. I joked about burying money in a jar and carrying the rest of it in my shoes.
I knew there was something missing, but I couldn't put my finger on it and I was tired of the drama - in me.
The constant thought running through my head - poor customer service - finally hit me. I was offering poor customer service because I was forgetting that my job anywhere I go truly is to ask HP "How can I be of service?" I had that reversed in my mind. When I got that, I realized, too, how little gratitude - if any - I extend to people who do for me what I can't do for myself - starting with the postal worker. I listed those people I take for granted on my Step 8 list. I had harmed myself by forgetting my real purpose - and its not to be the customer who is served. I had harmed myself by not extending gratitude to people who do for me what I cannot do for myself. I'm finding it easy to show more appreciation for others, but I'm having a hard time with doing that yet with the CU where I do banking. I'm willing. But, that has to be enough for now.
hotrod said
Jul 12, 2013
Thank you gratefulo2be
I am grateful for your share. It reminded me that many years ago when I started working this program my first awareness was that I never acknowledged the paper boy, the coffee man, the waitress, the supermarket check out person. I was always" too busy and in a hurry to say a simple "Hello". HP pointed this out to me one day and I had a true awakening. I was busy worrying about the future or feeling anger about the past and not live in the moment. After that I would make a point out of simply saying "HI ", "have a nice day" etc What a difference that made to my day. Today it is second nature and it makes each day some much nicer.
Glad you are sharing the journey
grateful2be said
Jul 13, 2013
Thanks, Betty, for sharing your story. I'm glad you are sharing the journey, too. I'm always amazed at how these steps help us uncover things we need to see and turn them over for guidance and help - no matter how long we've been progressing/trudging on the road. Today, I ended up closing all my accounts at one CU and I've decided to use the other one until something opens that is more of a match for me. (More Step 9 than 8, I think.) I thanked folks for helping as much as they could without mitigating or hiding all the reasons I was closing my accounts and ended up hearing a young manager's fears for his family before I left and he was able to understand my reasons without pasting a pretend smile on his face and blocking out everything I was saying.
So - although the CU isn't the right one for me and I had to own that upfront when asked if there was anything they could do to keep me - I do think that Step 8 helped me do the next right thing without a big show of "I'm such a victim!!!" or politely pretending myself that everything was just fine - its all about the interest rate. The young man and I could both shake hands warmly before I left. So much nicer than it could have been without the Step, insight and gratitude list of people I sometimes don't see need me to acknowledge them as much as I want to be acknowledged.
KayCee said
Jul 13, 2013
Thanks Betty, and Gratefultobe.....Im so grateful today to read your words, share your insight., ect.It has been an unusually trying day, but I know I have a program, AND God, to be watching over me. Thank you all, I REALLY appreciate all the sharing. God bless.
grateful2be said
Jul 13, 2013
And thank you, KayCee, for your honest and humble share at the top of the page and your affirmation in this most recent one. What I like about your most recent share is that although you've had a very trying day, you end your post with awareness of what is good in your life and appreciation, too. Blessings to you, too, KayCee.
KayCee said
Jul 27, 2013
I am gratefully working on my list (no more excuses), Thank you for being here for me, I need , and appreciate the wisdom Ive received...Please pray for me! Thankx & God bless.
hotrod said
Jul 27, 2013
Keep on Keeping on Kay You are not alone.
Please keep coming back and sharing the journey
Jacks1964 said
Aug 19, 2013
I am knew to Alanon, and each month we work on either the traditions, steps,or concepts. For example this month is the 8th month. I am not sure where to start? Don't I have to start at step 1? I see that people this month are referring to step 4 often.
hotrod said
Aug 19, 2013
Hi Jack
Welcome it is important to work the Steps with a sponsor beginning at Step 1. The Steps are in order for a reason- They build on each other.
You are welcome to come here, read and share your thoughts on any step even if you have not worked it so Please do keep sharing
STEP 8
MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAVE HARMED AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL
Paths to Recovery page 87 One of the most important things in Step 8 is that it is for me. If others reap the benefit that is a bonus all I need to do in this step is to become willing!!! . If I make the list and become willing I will reap the benefits
My Share,
Here is a simple Step on the first reading. I am just asked to make a list of all those I have harmed. Wow what a tall request when I consider the different person I was when I first arrived. Sure I was perfect, everyone was hurting me and if they all would change I would be a Saint
Many meetings, many Steps and alanon calls under my belt I was able to admit that Yes I had harmed others.
First I had to ask myself: To define the type of Harm I had done. In reviewing my 4 and 5 Step I found that most of the harm I had done to others was: in doing for them what they should and could do for themselves. I took away their initiative and their feeling of accomplishment by taking the credit for activities they could have achieved. I harmed other by gossiping and judging them. Most importantly I harmed others by ignoring them, not including them, deciding I did not like them and just walking away without explanation. I was running on feelings and forgot about principles.
The person I harmed the most was placed at the top of my list and that was MYSELF
I had mistreated myself just as I had mistreated others. I had not validated my assets, I had withdrawn from situations without participating and all in all I had lived in a world of Denial and Pretend.
Since I was first on my list of amends I made the amends to myself first. These amends consisted of: preparing a gratitude list and asset list each day. ,attending at least 5 meetings a week, working the alanon program with a sponsor, sharing a meetings, using the slogans ODAT focused on myself letting go of my defects. In about 6 months I found I had become entirely ready to make amends to others on my list.
I urge you to begin this step it is the road to freedom.
Activities
Step 8 Questions
Have I considered placing myself at the top of my list?
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
How did I use the 4th Step to prepare my list?
How do I use rationalization or justification to block me from making the list?
How willing am I to be completely honest?
Do I recognize that my minding someones business may have harmed them or others and am I willing to see the need for my amends?
Which people on my list as I willing to contact first? Why?
Dear Donna
Great insight It really is progress not perfection Keep on keeping on
I knew there was something missing, but I couldn't put my finger on it and I was tired of the drama - in me.
The constant thought running through my head - poor customer service - finally hit me. I was offering poor customer service because I was forgetting that my job anywhere I go truly is to ask HP "How can I be of service?" I had that reversed in my mind. When I got that, I realized, too, how little gratitude - if any - I extend to people who do for me what I can't do for myself - starting with the postal worker. I listed those people I take for granted on my Step 8 list. I had harmed myself by forgetting my real purpose - and its not to be the customer who is served. I had harmed myself by not extending gratitude to people who do for me what I cannot do for myself. I'm finding it easy to show more appreciation for others, but I'm having a hard time with doing that yet with the CU where I do banking. I'm willing. But, that has to be enough for now.
Thank you gratefulo2be
I am grateful for your share. It reminded me that many years ago when I started working this program my first awareness was that I never acknowledged the paper boy, the coffee man, the waitress, the supermarket check out person. I was always" too busy and in a hurry to say a simple "Hello". HP pointed this out to me one day and I had a true awakening. I was busy worrying about the future or feeling anger about the past and not live in the moment. After that I would make a point out of simply saying "HI ", "have a nice day" etc What a difference that made to my day. Today it is second nature and it makes each day some much nicer.
Glad you are sharing the journey
So - although the CU isn't the right one for me and I had to own that upfront when asked if there was anything they could do to keep me - I do think that Step 8 helped me do the next right thing without a big show of "I'm such a victim!!!" or politely pretending myself that everything was just fine - its all about the interest rate. The young man and I could both shake hands warmly before I left. So much nicer than it could have been without the Step, insight and gratitude list of people I sometimes don't see need me to acknowledge them as much as I want to be acknowledged.
Keep on Keeping on Kay You are not alone.
Please keep coming back and sharing the journey
Hi Jack
Welcome it is important to work the Steps with a sponsor beginning at Step 1. The Steps are in order for a reason- They build on each other.
You are welcome to come here, read and share your thoughts on any step even if you have not worked it so Please do keep sharing