Step Four - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 1. Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way? 2. How am I tolerant? 3. Do I make friends easily? Why or why not? 4. In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why? Love - Dot

1. Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?
I am scared to look at myself.  I am afraid that what i will find is all rotten garbage inside of me.  I know that it isn't true but that is my head knowledge.  Where is my heart knowledge in all of this?  I want to look at myself honestly - i want to get to know myself better and learn to love and accept myself - even like myself.  What stands in my way?  I stand in my way.  I want to protect myself from finding out anything that might tear me down more.  Anything that will hurt me or make me even less than I often feel.  I don't want to find out that i am just like all those people in my family that i don't want to be like.  I want to be me but without hurting.  That is what stands in my way- though i know that hurt is just a part of life - i am tired of it and wish to avoid it.

Angelina

awww, angel,,,,  that is the common fear,, and scary it is,,,  but you know?  It's like the child's 'monster under the bed'.  When you look it isn't there. When we do Step 2, we come to believe in a HIgher Power that can restore us to sanity,,,  so that means we believe that what we find is going to heal. Step 3 means that we trust God enough, that He cares about us, to let Him guide us through this.

I used to have a very horrible self image. Very bad,,,  cuz I figured I must be really horrible to be treated the way I was,,, you know.. the old I deserve the abuse theory. I was suicidal, thinking I would be doing everyone, including myself a favor by just checking out. But, what we find, instead, is the we are human, and that God loves us no matter what. We do come to accept ourselves as 'works in progress'.

For me to come to love myself, not always like myself but care for myself, has been a long difficult journey,,, and Ihave to say that I am just now learning how to care for my self. Love, in this sense, means to make a commitment to work for the well-being of the beloved. Well, that goes all around - Love my neighbor as my self.

The first thing to do, when we are starting from such a position, is to have patience. Be patient with your self, not letting yourself cop out, but not pushing too much either. As it is said in the 12 Step programs, we will love you in a very special way till you can also love yourself.

I'm glad you're here. Keep coming.

amanda

Thank you for replying to my remarks Amanda.  I am trying to believe more in the good in myself - to learn to love myself so I can like myself.  Then not all inside can be garbage, can it?  I know also that my self-image changes depending on my mood.  Almost as if I was bipolar though I know I am not -when I am up, I just about like myself - but not completely.  When I am down, I can do just about nothing right.

I started receiving therapy along with Al-Anon/ACOA, and have learned that it is okay to say I am learning to love myself, I am learning to take care of myself.  Those in themselves are positives.

To continue with preparing for taking inventory, I want to take this space to also answer another question from P2R - Have I sought help from my HP, my sponsor, or other Al-Anon members?

I am rebuilding a relationship with my HP so I am praying and turning things I have no or little control over to him.  I use him in a general sense here with my HP.  In the past week, I have sought more and more help from my HP - it feels so good to do so.  I let fears and guilt get in my way for too long.  The burden of taking care of everything is too much.  I am so glad I can turn to him and have his help.

I still do not have a sponsor - I missed the last few meetings in my area because of excuses.  I am also preparing to move into town so will be changing meetings.  In the end though, I have just been to scared to make myself that vulnerable to rejection.  I will though.

I do share with some Al-Anon members and receive ESH from them here online.  I also share in the ACOA message board.  These two places are lifesavers - I feel safe here and can be open.  I have received wonderful help in just the kind and wise words I have gotten back from many in the last two months.

Angelina

I admire and respect the way you are working and trying so hard on your recovery journey, angel.

My first comment is about making ourselves vulnerable by attending meetings. I understand that feeling, as I have that where ever I go. Now I'm not saying that the way I do it is the best, but it helps me to remember why I go and what I'm doing there. I guess I am a defeatist and that may be bad, but I don't have much hope that I'll be popular or much agreed with, so I don't even try. I look to see what literature is there, and I listen to the shares, and I share my perspectives, and then I leave. Occassionally I do talk to someone after the meeting. Maybe this is part of why I don't have a sponsor either, but having a sponsor is not obligatory. I do consult with people in the group that I respect if I have any questions.

I am not bipolar,,,  it is more like having alters in disocciative identity disorder. My self image changes with my mood in a way that results in two alters,,,  "Doris Day" and "Janis Joplin" . Neither one of those is balanced or complete.

love in recovery,

amanda

This will be the hardest for me BY FAR!  I know I will only be taking baby steps this first time with this step.

Step Four - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

1. Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?
I will try to honestly look at myself.  This will be difficult for me as I have been "blaming" everything on my A, from financial problems to family problems to my complete unhappiness!

Why is this difficult, I believe one reason is I fear what I may discover about myself.  I have tried to protect myself from as much pain lately that I have isolated myself in many ways, including from myself.  I know from one situation that came up recently, where I made a bad decision in financial desperation behind my A's back and he has now found out.  I realized that I was not upset so much as how this affected him but how disappointed I was in myself for having made the decision in the first place.  This caused me a lot of pain over the last few days but I also feel it was needed for me to grow as a person.  A kind of learn from your mistakes lesson.

2. How am I tolerant?
I have felt I have been very tolerant over the years with my A.  However, I do feel that this tolerance has led to him taking advantage of me.  This concept  is difficult for me to understand as I feel I should be less tolerant of him so he is not treating me like such a doormat!  I will have to think on this more!

3. Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?
I do make friends easliy in an environment that my A does not exist in.  I have many friends at work, but none outside of that as it is the only place that he does not exist in.  I am a different person at work, confident, happy, outgoing.  For these reasons I get along with many people.

When at home I am reserved, short, and ill-tempered a lot.  I question my confidence and self esteem quite often.  AAHHHAAA!  I just realized something about myself!

4. In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why? 

I am resentful for many things.  All these things come back to his actions, promises, and or reactions and decisions on my part in relation to him.  This has brought about many grudges that I hold towards him!  Why?  I feel that had he acted or reacted the way I wanted him to then I would not have grudges and/or resentments of his actions and would not have made bad decisions or bad reactions due to his behavior.

This will definitely be an area I will need to work on in the future.  This will be hard and painful, and for that reason I will take this in baby steps.  I will first start by listing what I think are my faults, just so I can recognize and acknowledge them.

Thank you very much for sharing that.  I think we can all relate to focussing on "my a" , or some other person so that we don't have to really look at ourselves. That is why Step 4 is sooo important, and at the same time why a lot of people don't want to do it, but stay at the first 3 Steps for a lonnnnnggg   time. In a way it is easier for us alcoholics (I am a child of alcoholics who was abused and then turned out to follow in their footsteps for a long time). Easier because I am my own 'a', and so I have to face myself,,,   I mean I could blame my parents, but that wouldn't help my recovery. I know that because I did try it, and it didn't get me anywhere.

I am also not the same me all the time and with everyone, but that is interesting,,, cuz I am the same me. Sometimes I cause reactions in people that are kind of what they call 'self fulfilling prophecies' . I anticipate a hard time, and so I get defensive and my defensive manner,,  short, frowning,  makes the others defensive and so I do have a hard time. And some others I anticipate to be pleasant, so I am pleasant,, and because I am pleasant to them...  then they are pleasant to me. It would be interesting if I switched up....  acting pleasant to the people I am usually defensive with,,  and acting short and irritable with the people who are usually pleasant to me. Actually, the truth be known,,,  when I first came into recovery and started acting more positive most people thought it was just a fluke and wouldn't last and so their behavior stayed the same with me until I showed that I was being consistent in my positive behavior... and then I started getting results. People started to relax around me.

Great insights,,,  which is what Step 4 is for. thank you again, very much.

love in recovery,

amanda

Here are my questions and journal for today.

What suggestions have I tried to see if they might work?

I have taken to heart some of the slogans - Easy does it, Let Go and Let God, One day at a time.  I try to keep these in mind whenever I am getting overwhelmed by all that I take on.

I try to remember that I am not in control of everything and I shouldn't try to control everything.  I can't tell everyone else how to live - it is not my job.  I may care about them but they have to make their own decisions.  If they come to me for my thoughts then I can give but otherwise I need to just focus on what is within my realm.

I have had many suggestions to take care of myself - to focus on myself.  Part of that is trying to figure out who I am and what I need.  It is very hard and I feel that doing step 4 should help with this.  I am not completely sure what I will be facing but am still willing.

I have had an Al-Anon friend suggest once when I was very emotional to write down everything good about myself that I could think of.  I did it and was able to calm down and see my situation more clearly.  I was not as overwhelmed as at the beginning.

??Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?

Not as much as I should.  I know that I will have a better understanding of myself from the inventory.  I will see where I have come from, how I have gotten here, and where I am now.  Maybe not crystal clear but better than I see now.

By inventorying - I will be looking at many aspects of myself - I will be analyzing who I am - I will be analyzing my relationships with myself, others, and my HP. 

This is what I understand about doing an inventory.

Angelina

What do "searching" and "fearless" mean to me?

Well, searching is an active verb - therefore, I am actively looking into myself and finding out about myself, my past, and my future.  When I am searching for something that is lost or misplaced, I do not stop after turning over a few items on my desk or in my bedroom; I turn over everything and look everywhere possible until I find what I am searching for.  If I don't see or find it the first time through, I look again, and again if necessary.

"Fearless" - without fear.  I can search myself without fear.  I have my HP to trust in.  I don't have to be hurt again by what is in my past - I may relive the hurt until I can let it go but not be hurt anew.  This is something I am guessing about right now.  However, I sense a truth here.  Anytime during this step that I become afraid, I have my HP to help me and I can take as much time as needed to figure out why that fear is there.  My HP can and will give me the courage I need.  I also have the support of friends and people in my support groups - not to forget my therapist.

Currently, I have some fears that I am working through.  Since I am willing to work through them and continue into step 4, I know that I will succeed.

Angelina

I think for me one of the big issues with honesty is how my denial affects me still.  I do not want to own that i gave so much power for my wellbeing to the A. That I choose to blame him for so much of my current situation.  That I can focus on him so much more easily than myself.

I know that going off into resentments at the A is one way to lose track of myself and lose the focus on myself and in some ways I have welcomed that. I so wanted a partner who would share the burdens with me and in so many ways the A has increased my burdens and not helped me I resent that. Of course I was not specific with him about hat or had boundaries about that. When I had boundaries I exagerated them and was a martyr with them. Now I am not I simply act on them.  I will not tolerate certain issues anymore.  I am of course not at a place yet where I do not tolerate the chaos he brings in my life anymore but i move towards that.

I think I have to get to  levels of honesty about a lot of issues. About my dependency needs, about my resentments, about my blame, about my denial, about my wanting him to "carry" me and much more.

Maresie.

Dear Angelina.

Thank you so much for this posting.Wow!  I am new to the program almost 3 mos. and I feel you gave exactly the answer I was looking for.  I am currently at step 4 and I was really having a hard time trying to figure out exactly how to go about it.  I have not got a sponsor yet as I just have not met anyone who I feel connected eneough to.  I am going to meetings as much as possible and I am also involved in service. I just wanted to thank you.

God Bless

Sandi

 

Looking honestly at myself, I realize I sought out my A., for several unhealthy reasons. Ive always been independant, now I feel so alone....I do make friends easily, but tend to keep people at a distance...I do blame my primary family, which is wrong! Im trying to take more responsibility for me..My higher power is always within reach, but I wait untill Im miserable.Must get a sponser....Thanks