"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
"Just as any business takes inventory of its stock, we take inventory of our lives in Step 4. With clipboard in hand, we walk down the aisles of our lives and note areas of weakness and strength. When we come to relationships, we take stock of the resentments and grudges, and also examine our loving and healthy relationships... In this process we can ask for help from our Higher Power, who knows the contents of our warehouse far better than we do...
"We prepare for Step 4 by recognizing that denial has been operating in our lives...
"Step 4 begins the growth Steps of our journey... Being totally honest is vital... It allows us to remove the obstacles that have prevented us from knowing ourselves...
"... As we begin to see ourselves, we will learn to accept our whole character - the good and the bad. This acceptance will free us to discover survival behaviors that began in childhood. In the context of our turbulent early years, these behaviors were lifesaving. However, their continuation into our adulthood renders us dysfunctional...
"Denial is a key survival skill that we learned early in childhood... We often fantasized that our situation was better than it was. Denial protected us from our feelings and helped us repress the pain of our family environment. Our shame and guilt caused us to be silent... This withdrawal hindered us from developing...
"Resentment and fear are two issues that need to be dealt with before we can begin the process of preparing our inventory. Our resentment toward people, places, and things that have injured us keeps us preoccupied and limits our ability to live in the present...
"Fear limits our ability to be rational. When fear is present, it is difficult to see situations in their true perspective. Fear is the root of other repressive and painful feelings. It prevents us from expressing ourselves honestly and stops us from responding in appropriate ways to threatening situations. So to change our behavior, we must first face and accept our fears. by acknowledging our fearful nature, we can expect a temporary loss of self-esteem, fortunately, this will return as we become more willing to rely on our Higher Power...
"Preparing our inventory requires that we look to our Higher Power for guidance. We renewed our relationship with our Higher Power in Steps 2 & 3, and now we ask God for help...
"Step 4 gives us the opportunity to recognize that certain skills, acquired in childhood, may be inappropriate in our adult lives. Blaming others for our misfortunes, denying responsibility for hurtful behavior, and resisting the truth are behavior patterns we must discard...
"Putting our thoughts on paper is valuable and necessary when completing Step 4... It often causes repressed feelings to surface and gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves and our behavior... Instead of judging ourselves, we need to accept whatever we discover, knowing that this discovery is merely another step toward a healthier life. We must be honest and thorough to compete Step 4 successfully...
"Facing our resentments and fears requires a great deal of courage. Our past tendency has been to shut down our feelings... It is important to realize that God is with us and will help in every step of our way. With God's help and understanding the pain will diminish...
"As part of preparing our Step 4 inventory, we will look at our character traits and examine our strengths and weaknesses. Our strengths appear in behavior that has positive effects on us as well as on others. Our weaknesses are revealed in behavior that is destructive to ourselves and others. Before we can correct our problem areas, we need to acknowledge and examine both...
"When preparing our inventory, we may encounter some difficulties. If we are blocked at some point, denial may be operating. We need to stop for a moment, reflect on what we are attempting to do, and analyze our feelings. We must also ask for God's help...
"The inventory we are preparing is for our own benefit... If done properly and sincerely, our Step 4 work will help us break free from the bondage of the past."
angelinme908 said
Jan 16, 2006
Thank you Amanda. I am afraid of starting step 4 but feel comfortable where I have gotten in the previous steps. This reading is one I will likely return to several times. Since I haven't a sponsor yet and am doing this on my own so far - aside from the f2f Al-Anon mtgs I get to - I feel that I am a blind person searching for the path to travel down. Without a guide rail to follow, I am apt to wander off and fall somewhere hurting myself.
Angelina
Carla said
Jan 17, 2006
Hello,
Thanks amanda
That helped immensely
toto(carla)
angelinme908 said
Jan 19, 2006
I have many fears as I start my work on step 4. I realize that I will have to face so much. I am afraid that I won't see much good - but there is a lot of good in me. Will I be able to accept myself - will I learn to love and like myself?
How do I deal with resentment and fear? Must I deal with those before step 4? I didn't think so because it is not in steps 1-3. I figured they will be faced and dealt with during step four and after.
Will I really be released from the bondage of my past??? Oh please oh please let it really be true!!
Angelina
amanda2u2 said
Jan 19, 2006
It is really true. The thing is that we must face our past to be freed from it,, and face it more honestly than ever before, with perspectives gained after the things from the past that we didn't have at the time. A big reason that the past has us in bondage is because it has become like the child's monster under the bed. We are afraid and close our eyes and run and we imagine it to have more power over us than it really does. Once a child looks under the bed and sees what is really there, it becomes manageable with our Higher Power. children look under the bed while a parent is there to help.
love in recovery,
amanda
angelinme908 said
Jan 20, 2006
Wonderful analogy!! That is exactly how I feel - a child hiding from the monster under my bed.
Angelina
maresie said
Jan 28, 2006
Thank you for posting. I think the fear and anger and rage I developed as a child really hinder me in my current life. I think I bond with people who are similarly angry and we take our anger out on each other. I do not want to do that anymore. I want to be able to channel my anger. At the same time I have to say right now I am facing my adolescence after a long long time facing up to many things that happened as a child. The shame, guilt, embarassment, rage and grief are difficult to deal with. Every night I either have a panic attack dream about being in a house as a child or a shame dream about some of my choices in relationship. This is very painful stuff to look at. Nevertheless I know that the more I can get it out there to make it conscious the less it affects me unconsciously. I make a lot of space for this material to come up. In fact I think I spend much of my day simply recovering from this.
Last year I spent much of the year dealing with the fact that I was abused by a pedophile. The Michael Jackson trial was triggering for me in that respect. I did manage to get in touch with a lot of rage, shame and a lot of sense of how manipulated I was by the pedophile. Now I am incredibly aware when my A boyfriend is manipulating me and do not respond as I did when I was a child. I also do not respond with rage or embarassment that he so successfully manipulated me in the past. Many of my relationships in the past were marred by shame, lack of boundaries, guilt and fear. I could not accept what happened to me in the past and in some ways they became re-enacted in abusive relationships in the present.
I am hoping that once I can get through the adolescent stuff that I can move into the relationships I had as an adult. I already have many many insights on them and am able to let go of levels of resentments I did not before. I think some day I will not be so past focused but be able to be almost entirely in the present. I look forward to that prospect. At the same time I do not hurry my inventory because my past is violent, abusive and toxic and I can only assimilate so much at a time.
Maresie.
lostinoz said
Mar 19, 2013
I am realising that my entire life has been based on one big fear. The fear of not being loved. Everything I have ever done was based on this fear. The relationships I had in the past, and the one I have been trying to 'fix' for 25 years. And the most ironic bit of all, is that the thing I am trying to fix in this relationship, is that I don't feel loved.
from "The 12 Steps for Adult Children"
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
"Just as any business takes inventory of its stock, we take inventory of our lives in Step 4. With clipboard in hand, we walk down the aisles of our lives and note areas of weakness and strength. When we come to relationships, we take stock of the resentments and grudges, and also examine our loving and healthy relationships... In this process we can ask for help from our Higher Power, who knows the contents of our warehouse far better than we do...
"We prepare for Step 4 by recognizing that denial has been operating in our lives...
"Step 4 begins the growth Steps of our journey... Being totally honest is vital... It allows us to remove the obstacles that have prevented us from knowing ourselves...
"... As we begin to see ourselves, we will learn to accept our whole character - the good and the bad. This acceptance will free us to discover survival behaviors that began in childhood. In the context of our turbulent early years, these behaviors were lifesaving. However, their continuation into our adulthood renders us dysfunctional...
"Denial is a key survival skill that we learned early in childhood... We often fantasized that our situation was better than it was. Denial protected us from our feelings and helped us repress the pain of our family environment. Our shame and guilt caused us to be silent... This withdrawal hindered us from developing...
"Resentment and fear are two issues that need to be dealt with before we can begin the process of preparing our inventory. Our resentment toward people, places, and things that have injured us keeps us preoccupied and limits our ability to live in the present...
"Fear limits our ability to be rational. When fear is present, it is difficult to see situations in their true perspective. Fear is the root of other repressive and painful feelings. It prevents us from expressing ourselves honestly and stops us from responding in appropriate ways to threatening situations. So to change our behavior, we must first face and accept our fears. by acknowledging our fearful nature, we can expect a temporary loss of self-esteem, fortunately, this will return as we become more willing to rely on our Higher Power...
"Preparing our inventory requires that we look to our Higher Power for guidance. We renewed our relationship with our Higher Power in Steps 2 & 3, and now we ask God for help...
"Step 4 gives us the opportunity to recognize that certain skills, acquired in childhood, may be inappropriate in our adult lives. Blaming others for our misfortunes, denying responsibility for hurtful behavior, and resisting the truth are behavior patterns we must discard...
"Putting our thoughts on paper is valuable and necessary when completing Step 4... It often causes repressed feelings to surface and gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves and our behavior... Instead of judging ourselves, we need to accept whatever we discover, knowing that this discovery is merely another step toward a healthier life. We must be honest and thorough to compete Step 4 successfully...
"Facing our resentments and fears requires a great deal of courage. Our past tendency has been to shut down our feelings... It is important to realize that God is with us and will help in every step of our way. With God's help and understanding the pain will diminish...
"As part of preparing our Step 4 inventory, we will look at our character traits and examine our strengths and weaknesses. Our strengths appear in behavior that has positive effects on us as well as on others. Our weaknesses are revealed in behavior that is destructive to ourselves and others. Before we can correct our problem areas, we need to acknowledge and examine both...
"When preparing our inventory, we may encounter some difficulties. If we are blocked at some point, denial may be operating. We need to stop for a moment, reflect on what we are attempting to do, and analyze our feelings. We must also ask for God's help...
"The inventory we are preparing is for our own benefit... If done properly and sincerely, our Step 4 work will help us break free from the bondage of the past."
Thank you Amanda. I am afraid of starting step 4 but feel comfortable where I have gotten in the previous steps. This reading is one I will likely return to several times. Since I haven't a sponsor yet and am doing this on my own so far - aside from the f2f Al-Anon mtgs I get to - I feel that I am a blind person searching for the path to travel down. Without a guide rail to follow, I am apt to wander off and fall somewhere hurting myself.
Angelina
Hello,
Thanks amanda
That helped immensely
toto(carla)
I have many fears as I start my work on step 4. I realize that I will have to face so much. I am afraid that I won't see much good - but there is a lot of good in me. Will I be able to accept myself - will I learn to love and like myself?
How do I deal with resentment and fear? Must I deal with those before step 4? I didn't think so because it is not in steps 1-3. I figured they will be faced and dealt with during step four and after.
Will I really be released from the bondage of my past??? Oh please oh please let it really be true!!
Angelina
It is really true. The thing is that we must face our past to be freed from it,, and face it more honestly than ever before, with perspectives gained after the things from the past that we didn't have at the time. A big reason that the past has us in bondage is because it has become like the child's monster under the bed. We are afraid and close our eyes and run and we imagine it to have more power over us than it really does. Once a child looks under the bed and sees what is really there, it becomes manageable with our Higher Power. children look under the bed while a parent is there to help.
love in recovery,
amanda
Wonderful analogy!! That is exactly how I feel - a child hiding from the monster under my bed.
Angelina
Thank you for posting. I think the fear and anger and rage I developed as a child really hinder me in my current life. I think I bond with people who are similarly angry and we take our anger out on each other. I do not want to do that anymore. I want to be able to channel my anger. At the same time I have to say right now I am facing my adolescence after a long long time facing up to many things that happened as a child. The shame, guilt, embarassment, rage and grief are difficult to deal with. Every night I either have a panic attack dream about being in a house as a child or a shame dream about some of my choices in relationship. This is very painful stuff to look at. Nevertheless I know that the more I can get it out there to make it conscious the less it affects me unconsciously. I make a lot of space for this material to come up. In fact I think I spend much of my day simply recovering from this.
Last year I spent much of the year dealing with the fact that I was abused by a pedophile. The Michael Jackson trial was triggering for me in that respect. I did manage to get in touch with a lot of rage, shame and a lot of sense of how manipulated I was by the pedophile. Now I am incredibly aware when my A boyfriend is manipulating me and do not respond as I did when I was a child. I also do not respond with rage or embarassment that he so successfully manipulated me in the past. Many of my relationships in the past were marred by shame, lack of boundaries, guilt and fear. I could not accept what happened to me in the past and in some ways they became re-enacted in abusive relationships in the present.
I am hoping that once I can get through the adolescent stuff that I can move into the relationships I had as an adult. I already have many many insights on them and am able to let go of levels of resentments I did not before. I think some day I will not be so past focused but be able to be almost entirely in the present. I look forward to that prospect. At the same time I do not hurry my inventory because my past is violent, abusive and toxic and I can only assimilate so much at a time.
Maresie.