1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Welcome to the start of a wonderful journey.

One of my favorite lines from a movie was spoken by Barbara Billingsley in the movie Airplane, when she said "Chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help."  One trait that we ACoA have had to develop it the ability to be fiercely independent.  Because we didn't have parents we felt we could truly rely on, we learned to rely heavily and almost entirely on ourselves.  So we often think we can handle everything. Or we just don't know how to ask for help or know that we need it.

Some people when coming to the first step feel insulted by the word "powerless" because they equate it with helplessness.  But powerless means that we cannot change our situation without help.  Not that we are helpless.  We can ask for help.  That is what we are doing here.  We are saying that we cannot do it by ourselves.  And that's okay.  Because we do have help available now.  And here is the perfect place to start.

 Thanks James... I am thinking about being powerless. I use the word 'manage' and not control.

Control happens when there is a huge boulder falling from the sky- "jump!" And we hope that someone jumps.

But I think we manage in the adult sphere. We see shades of grey, and colours. We share. We collaborate. We can change when we feel like it. And hold fast to what we currently believe.

From un-manage-able to manage-able should be easy. 

 Hi Jacquie,

Welcome to the ACA Steps board. 

I think people have a lot of anxiety about getting and having a sponsor. I am in Alanon too, here in NZ. My ESH is that the first three steps are best done inside of the group. We have tried so, so hard! it is time to coast a little, and let go a lot!

Steps two and three remove a lot of barriers we have built up. We have a lot of mistrust about everything! Most of us have a deep mistrust of the groups, and of the programme. And a lot of anger too, sometimes.

So there is plenty of time.

When life is so tough we do make progress fairly quickly- catching on.  The fact is we are in very good company! We have all bin there and done that!

Really, there are no surprises, and no secrets we have not shared.

Take care, and be kind to yourself...

DavidG.

New Zealand.

Hi Jack

I found that it was easier to "Let Go' if I continued to focus on my thoughts and immediately  substituted a slogan or the serenity prayer for the obsessive thought or fear.  I refused to entertain the fear or thought for even a moment.  I repeated the slogan over and over until the thought lifted and I was again in the present moment.  It takes time and practice  and is really a process.

Hi! -  I'm new to this board.

ACA step workbook

 p 30 Questions:

1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life?

When my life is unmanageable, I am like a hamster in a wheel at work. I overdo tasks until I am exhausted. I undermine myself this way. Also, when I feel bad about people I have no control over. This is everyone but myself! I also have tended to just passively live in a reactive way rather than by active construction of my life through initiative.   

2. Do I think I can still control people, places,and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise?

No. I have had people I love lose their sanity and die due to dysfunction and substance abuse. Nothing I ever did to control them helped. Bad things still happened. My efforts to improve their lives via my own opinions were met with no. How presumptuous of me! - I am not a Higher Power! I realize now that when I think I know best for others, I only know what I know. I am not listening to them for how I can best support them without being manipulative.

3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts?

No. When it has been highly important to me to control others - for example, their addiction - I have never been met with success. I could not force someone else to get clean, even when I offered them to live with me. It made no difference, as it was their decision. When I have wanted to control my husband into seeking a better job, I couldn't control him either. I can only control my response, my boundaries, and my efforts...

4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me?

Yes, for years I let my addict brother's actions overshadow me. I would worry about him at times, but the reality was that I never had any control over his actions. I know in reality that how others feel and what they do is not my responsibility. When I feel bad about his choices, I am actually allowing his actions to hurt me, which isn't fair. I wasn't the one that chose to get into the lifestyle which he did.

If I get hung up about my dad and how he enabled him, I'm agonizing about another pattern which wasn't mine. I am minding their business. I asked my dad to stop doing that, but he didn't listen to me. He didn't have to. He was an adult. I don't have power over other adults, so it would be best to let go of the insane idea that I might control them. That never worked when I was a child, and it doesn't work now, either.

5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behaviour and choices?

I have done this. I have allowed my husband cause a loud fuss, and then I give in. I do this less now, because I'm aware of it. I allowed my brother to not hear how his behaviour made me feel. I regret this, although I know he may have cut off more... I tend to take personally criticism, but logically, I know I cannot please everyone...

6. What does it mean to be codependent?

To me, being codependent means doing for others what they need to do for themselves. I have been obsessed with rescuing others in my life since childhood. It never once worked.

7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life?

Yes. For years, I would seek out those who are not emotionally available. I am improving at this in gaining healthier friendships.

8. Has my behaviour and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others?

Yes, I have allowed myself to play a scapegoat role and get blamed for stuff. I have overworked to extreme tiredness.

9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom?

Yes. First, it was my brother's death, then it was episodes of me beating myself up harshly with guilt for what happened to him, as if it was my responsibility. My codependence and over-responsibility response was extreme, and I felt a bit unstable. My family disease and ego were fighting back. It wants me sick and self destructive.

10. Has an obsession for another persons, drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How?

Yes, I wanted my dad to stop drinking. I plotted. I wanted my brother to stay clean. I obsessed and beat myself up.

11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled?

12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior?

No, not any longer. It has failed me all my life.

13. Can I recover alone?

No, isolation is significant. I need meetings, online groups, to work the steps, a sponsor etc.

14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How?

Yes. I relate to the fearful environment at home, the perfectionism, and the self destruction.

I am starting the steps again from the adult child  view. Feeling powerless or is it helpless over my parents drinking was something that filled me with fear. Knowing that I am powerless, gives me a sense of freedom it was not and never was my responsibility. The shame guilt and pain I carried because of their behaviour was unmanageable for the vunerable child that I was . Now I am an adult I have the power to join other AC and together work the steps and recover from the effects thank God 

Thanks for your post I found it really helpful as I sometimes forget to replace the old thinking until I am bogged down and then applying the slogans takes so much longer. I choose to be well

Slogan: Let go or be dragged comes to mind

Thank you for posting these questions, and thank you everyone for sharing here. It amazes me how much I see myself, my family and my past in your stories, thoughts, and feelings. It helps me feel I am not alone.

These answers are to help me as I begin my journey... I am putting my faith in the steps because they have worked for so many others, and right now, I need something to hang on to.

-Rose

1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life?
An unmanageable life is one in which I cannot sustain myself and my growth in a way that is generally healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I live reactively and have little direction. I don't have confidence that I can successfully maintain a work-life balance. I find even relaxed, casual work makes me anxious because I'm so desperate for the approval of others. Because I have work issues, I have money issues.

I find it hard to just enjoy time off-- even while with friends I often feel anxious and unhappy. I find it hard to complete the tasks I set out to do. I feel angry, sad and hopeless when I think about my family of origin and my parent's drinking, and find it hard to have any relationship with either my parents or my young sister. I have a lot of loneliness. I don't want to go on this way. Lately I find my relationships with my partner and my friends stress me out almost as much as they enrich my life.

2. Do I think I can still control people, places,and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise?
I know that I cannot control  people, places,and things, but I still act as though if only I were better, I could influence them to be the way I want them. I think my actions reveal that I still, deep down, believe in my power to control my world through positive influence and manipulation.

3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts?
No, but again, I hang on to the idea that I can influence them. I know that I really don't have control over others, but I keep trying to intervene as though I do. It is a hard pattern of thought and behavior for me to break.

4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me?

Absolutely. I get very easily overwhelmed by the "dark clouds" hanging over the heads of others. Sometimes I think I lose myself in the people around me so I don't have to face my own demons, doubts, and negative self-talk.

5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behaviour and choices?

Definitely! I am always trying to anticipate what others will respond to my actions. It is paralyzing. I'm often full of self-doubt and indecision.

6. What does it mean to be codependent?

To me, to be codependent means to rely on another being to live: meaning, you take on their problems, their goals, their needs and wants, and expect them to do the same for you.

7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life?

With my family, yes. I have also had issues getting subsumed by some of my friends who have big personalities. I have friends who can be manipulative, but most of them are not.

In my love life I feel like I'm the one creating turmoil.

I have constantly found myself in abusive work environments, of constant uncompensated overtime, verbally abusive bosses or bosses who are scattered and expect me to "figure out" how to fix things without giving me clear direction. 

8. Has my behaviour and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others?
I overwork and sell myself short, believing that my work will never be acceptable. I let a lack of confidence cause indecision and decrease my effectiveness and efficiency. I don't aspire to what I'm interested in, and take instead whatever's available. 

9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom?
I think I hit "a" bottom, but it could definitely get worse. My bottom so far is not so bad in terms of the manifestation in my external life. But I am at a point where I feel totally stalled, unable to find a healthy way of coming to terms with my past, find ways to live each day feeling OK, or to make the decisions and plans that would help me create a future for myself. I don't have a job or a permanent home right now, which is  by choice. But I know that I'm not ready to commit to a real, even semi-permanent life for myself.

Often recently I've felt overwhelmed by a feeling of total hopelessness. How is it that my life can seem OK on the outside, but I'm so full of despair? I fear what it means for my future. Emotionally, I've at bottom. I feel like I can't wait any longer to find help.

10. Has an obsession for another persons, drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How?
I have allowed myself to put my own development on hold while I worried about my parent's addiction. I let my feelings about the addiction overwhelm me. 

11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled?
I don't believe my life is manageable.


12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior?
No. I need to acknowledge that I'm really controlling.


13. Can I recover alone?
No, I want to be a part of a network of ACAs. We have a lot to learn from one another. I have already learned so much from being here.


14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How?
Absolutely. I relate to so many childhood memories, present-day struggles with our current relationships, our pursuits of new life skills, learning to reparent.