4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Please do this step.
I have seen people procrastinate on this step, make excuses, skip, or even quit working the steps over it. I took a long time to do this step myself because I was afraid I'd start beating myself up and would never stop. However, I went to the workbook and found that it didn't have to go as I had feared.
We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done and what was done to us. We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.
To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
It's okay if you don't relate to each one. Just write about the ones that do apply to you. But...
Do this step, please.
Sabin said
Nov 6, 2013
I love the laundry list it covers all my traits and like a typical ACa I went to town on my self with step 4 in AA doing it with ACA guidance feels absolutely right for me. The traits are the survival skills adopted to cope with the pain, terror and sheer hell of my early environment and abandonment that I now don't deny Or minimise and am grateful to know the traits of the false self are the cause of many of my defects of character namely pefectionism, control, black and white thinking, which i see as regard to relationships as worship or hatred so extreme with nothing in the middle and when it's all over total indifference which use to baffle me when I look at all the drama created with that kind of thinking it's crazy so grateful I am not entangled in a relationship like that anymore and that I keep the focus on my own recovery and not other people's inventories which are time consuming, keep me in resentment and I now accept are not my business, spent a lot of time doing that and that stopped me working on my own defects which are my business thanks for this step site
Valsedai said
Nov 18, 2013
The first one that really jumps out at me is stuffing my feelings. As I break this cycle that for me, learning about my feelings is big. Breaking the cycle of stuffing my feelings has been a big struggle for me. I am starting to work on listening to my body and writing down my feeling rather than turning to food or eating everything on my plate, even though I am full.
AmberDawn said
Jan 21, 2014
Hi All! I'm new. And am searching for a support group online for now. I am wondering what you would say or how you would respond to a guy, that doesn't really know you and your situation. And, to the statement. "You really need to quit living on the emotional roller coaster you live on & quit making decisions based on impulse & you need to learn that you control your emotions, your emotions do not control you". That would be awesome! But, I'm sure I will need to learn to do that. I want to learn & I want to get off the coaster. I just don't really know how. And, I'm sure with a program and sponsor I will get better with this. It was advice that wasn't asked for, it was a cancellation email to a women based mentoring program. And the husband replied to my cancellation notice. Maybe no response would be better? Thanks in advance!
JamesCT said
Jan 24, 2014
AmberDawn wrote:
Hi All! I'm new. And am searching for a support group online for now.
Experience, stength, and hope for ACoA is shared at our sister board.
AmberDawn wrote:
I am wondering what you would say or how you would respond to a guy, that doesn't really know you and your situation. And, to the statement. "You really need to quit living on the emotional roller coaster you live on & quit making decisions based on impulse & you need to learn that you control your emotions, your emotions do not control you".
I personally would say the following. "Thank you for your concern. I am investigating ways to do the very thing you suggest and hope that I have your support as I go forward. Sincerely, etc." YMMV.
AmberDawn wrote:
That would be awesome! But, I'm sure I will need to learn to do that. I want to learn & I want to get off the coaster. I just don't really know how. And, I'm sure with a program and sponsor I will get better with this.
I believe you will. One of the goals of the program is to improve how you experience life.
AmberDawn wrote:
It was advice that wasn't asked for, it was a cancellation email to a women based mentoring program. And the husband replied to my cancellation notice. Maybe no response would be better? Thanks in advance!
I'm not sure about your husband responding in your stead It sounds like a boundary issue to me. But what's done is done. Onward, upward, and forward.
4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Please do this step.
I have seen people procrastinate on this step, make excuses, skip, or even quit working the steps over it. I took a long time to do this step myself because I was afraid I'd start beating myself up and would never stop. However, I went to the workbook and found that it didn't have to go as I had feared.
We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done and what was done to us. We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.
To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.
It's okay if you don't relate to each one. Just write about the ones that do apply to you. But...
Do this step, please.
I love the laundry list it covers all my traits and like a typical ACa I went to town on my self with step 4 in AA doing it with ACA guidance feels absolutely right for me. The traits are the survival skills adopted to cope with the pain, terror and sheer hell of my early environment and abandonment that I now don't deny Or minimise and am grateful to know the traits of the false self are the cause of many of my defects of character namely pefectionism, control, black and white thinking, which i see as regard to relationships as worship or hatred so extreme with nothing in the middle and when it's all over total indifference which use to baffle me when I look at all the drama created with that kind of thinking it's crazy so grateful I am not entangled in a relationship like that anymore and that I keep the focus on my own recovery and not other people's inventories which are time consuming, keep me in resentment and I now accept are not my business, spent a lot of time doing that and that stopped me working on my own defects which are my business thanks for this step site
Hi All! I'm new. And am searching for a support group online for now. I am wondering what you would say or how you would respond to a guy, that doesn't really know you and your situation. And, to the statement. "You really need to quit living on the emotional roller coaster you live on & quit making decisions based on impulse & you need to learn that you control your emotions, your emotions do not control you". That would be awesome! But, I'm sure I will need to learn to do that. I want to learn & I want to get off the coaster. I just don't really know how. And, I'm sure with a program and sponsor I will get better with this. It was advice that wasn't asked for, it was a cancellation email to a women based mentoring program. And the husband replied to my cancellation notice. Maybe no response would be better? Thanks in advance!
Experience, stength, and hope for ACoA is shared at our sister board.
I personally would say the following. "Thank you for your concern. I am investigating ways to do the very thing you suggest and hope that I have your support as I go forward. Sincerely, etc." YMMV.
I believe you will. One of the goals of the program is to improve how you experience life.
I'm not sure about your husband responding in your stead It sounds like a boundary issue to me. But what's done is done. Onward, upward, and forward.