Betty, you are marvellous - I suspect this is the step that I need, and I did not really realise how to use it until I read this post. Thank you.

I'm going to work through your list and see what it brings up Prepare for a rambling path!

Our tight grasp on people - for me this was at its strongest when AH had his affair. I hung on for dear life even though I could see at the time that I felt calm when I approached the problem from the viewpoint of 'let him go'. Instead I tried to show him I loved him, I tried to be better than the other woman and in general did everything I could to be noticed in a positive way. I thought that the rewards would be worth it. Since I was not what he wanted at the time all of this effort was at best irritating to him and with hindsight humiliating for me. The feelings that I associate with that behaviour are summed by by not feeling good enough. I felt ugly, angry, frustrated, confused and hurt. I am still angry and confused. As to my feelings about the other woman, fury! I still think about her every day. I want AH to explain himself, to tell me what he really thinks of me etc and in short, I am still putting the onus onto him to make me feel better, darn it! I am scared that taking responsibility for my feelings about this episode will be the end my marriage and that will mean failure for me. However when I look back at my life and at times when I was wronged I stood up for myself, said my piece and walked away. I still feel good about those moments. So why didn't I do this with AH? On a more general level I want people around me to be happy and comfortable so I'll over do the catering, give the comfy chair to others and generally wear myself out trying so hard. From a work point of view I managing and organise events and so I was paid to keep a grip! As my workload increased I certainly became aware of my knuckles turning white as I tried to hold onto all the reigns. I remember feeling as though I wanted someone to contradict me, to question what I was saying because I knew that I couldn't always be right. I would have liked to have been able to discuss things a bit more. I guess I wanted to share some of the load but I was uncomfortable asking for help.

Controlling - In general see above! I guess I would like to control things a bit more but in many ways I'm influenced by being a child of the sixties - I embraced the freedom of flower power at an early age and as a result I've actually gone through my life so far being quite fluid and flexible. I managed to stay on my side of the street fairly well with the above mentioned affair - i.e. I saw it as AH's responsibility to deal with getting rid of his mistress despite having huge temptation to tell her where to go. In other words I would like to control, but in general I don't, but I have not managed to let go yet.

Manipulation - Not too bad on this. I have done it unconsciously in the past by engineering scenarios so that I can get my own way but these days I am learning to listen to myself a bit more and to say 'this is what I would like' and to be a bit more upfront about it.

Our need to control and manipulate - for me this means having a sense of control over my life and doing what I can to meet my needs. If I start to do this to other people then I feel guilty and uncomfortable but in general it is about contributing to my own destiny.

I'm going to come back to this a bit later - but at least it is a start. Thank you.

When I focus on others, I lose sight of myself. It is so easy to slip right back into this childhood habit that was born out of the need to survive. I practice all the listed defects when I am not focused on me and what I want and need to make my life serene and happy. Being aware of how quickly I can slip back into survival mode rather than thriving mode helps me accept this truth about me and take the necessary actions to keep the focus on me and not on what is outside of me when I notice I am feeling out of sorts or willfull in some way.

Desperation
Our fears
Old feelings that may be clogging us up
Negative, limiting beliefs
Worry
The need to blame our pain on others
Waiting to be happy
Low self-esteem
Our self-neglect, and the belief that we aren't responsible for ourselves and cannot take care of ourselves
Our desire to have others take care of, or be responsible for, us

_ List each defect, and give a brief definition of it.
_ In what ways do I act on this defect?
_ When I act on this defect, what effect does it have on me and others?
_ What feelings do I associate with this defect? Am I trying to suppress certain feelings by acting on certain defects?
Am I willing to have all my defects of character removed at this time? If not, why not?
_ What have I done to show my willingness today?

OK, I'm back to face those other feelings.
Worry - this is spending to much time thinking about things that I can not control, that may not happen and are probably not my responsibility anyway. I can waste so much time on this. And so many times I deny that I do it.
Blaming others - I do this but it is a bit like sitting on a see-saw - I blame them and then I blame myself. I end up looking like that chap with a long plank trying to get through a narrow door - knocked to the left and then to the right!! I think that I'm trying to deny the randomness that sometimes S*** happens. If it is my fault, or their fault, then it is controllable in the future??
Low self esteem - where does that come from? I have practically no reason for it and yet it is a big part of my life these days. So many of these feelings lead me to lethargy and lack of effort.
Self neglect - this is a relatively new one for me - but I can honestly say that I have lived my life expecting a prince on a white charger to rescue me and I can also honestly say thank you to AH for showing me, over and over, this is not the case. When I have learnt a little more about self care and when I value myself enough to make the effort for myself (as opposed to making it for everyone else) then I know that this lesson will serve me well.
And there I go - waiting to be happy!!!! That worked! Can't believe that was the next item that I saw from your list Hotrod
Tomorrow is another day - and I will decide before I go to sleep today what step I'm going to take to make an effort.
Yes, yes, yes. I would love to loose these negative feelings.

Lethargy and lack of effort seem to describe what I feel whenever I approach Step 6. Perhaps one of my defects is just plain laziness. Some days are better than others, but it seems to be I have been engaging in complacency. I have been in Al-Anon for a long time. I have made tremendous progress from whence I first entered the rooms, but I know I still have some defects I have clung to. When I did my inventory I have noted that these seem to be a defense mechanism - perhaps a false sense of feeling safe. While I have readily identified these defects I seem totally unmoved to do anything to correct them. That's just the gut level honest feeling for now. I do trust the process and have made a new list (I have lists of lists) and have added laziness to my Step 5 and am praying that I be granted the motivation to tackle these last few remaining items that have been on my list along with the laziness for waaaaay to long.

Pray about it daily and ask HP to help lift the pain and resentment It worked for me