Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
QUOTE FROM ALANON LITERATURE
" REACHING FOR PERSONAL FREEDOM"
Whether we live or have lived with the disease of alcoholism the 12 steps offer hope. Step one gives us some detachment from the problem and some relief as we let go of what we cannot control. Step two begins to point the way to a higher level of serenity.In working step two, we learn to look beyond ourselves for answers. This step reminds us we are not alone, and that there is a power greater than ourselves to guide, direct, and restore us, regardless of what our interpretation of this power may be.
My share
Having admitted my powerlessness in step one I would be unable to continue to function on less I was able to accept the fact that although I was powerless there was a power greater than myself and alcoholism that I could trust to help me become sane once again. I must note that on the outside my life looked fine I was a master pretender. My denial and pretend protected me from the judgment of the outside world. Inside my mind heart and soul I felt the anger, rage, pent up resentment and self-pity that only living with the disease of alcoholism can generate. I truly felt insane and needed to be restored to sanity.
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
How do I describe that power?
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
How do I define sanity?
In what way have I felt like a victim?
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
MorningGlory said
Mar 16, 2014
Step Two:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself? I had been falsely accused of having an extra marital affair. I was so upset by this and felt so heartbroken and dreadful that I slid into a very dark place. The constant harassing and questioning, fear, rage and hostility was just too much. I took to going only to work and back. No friends in, no outside activities, I would sometimes cook dinner and mostly just go to bed. I lost weight, too much and my health was suffering. It was awful. This went on for about a year and one day I decided that it had to stop, I felt I was going to die if something didnt change. I can only explain it as a power greater than myself that encouraged me out of the bed that day and back into life. This story was not going to end this way!
How do I describe that power? My HP is an unexplainable warm and powerful energy that lifts me, loves and comforts me and provides motivation for me.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes? I keep thinking that the A would want to be healthy for our adult children if not for me, but I know that he is not well and cant do this. I guess it is false hope more so than an expectation.
How do I define sanity? Sanity to me at this point is more what it is not than what it isnot running around like I used to, trying to fix the worlds problems. Not imposing my opinion on every issue that is presented. Choosing my battles carefully, not attending every argument. Not always having to be perfect, or right, a Miss. Know it All. Not being so critical of others. I imagine that I will one day experience true sanity as a complete serenity, a quiet peacefulness and self-satisfaction with my life.
In what way have I felt like a victim? Having had a bad reaction to being prescribed anti-depressants and then also drinking alcohol, my A had rants that he does not seem to recall. Perhaps blackouts, Im not sure, but very frightening to me, terrifying actually. I felt a victim when my A was raging out of control, spitting mad, throwing my things in the trash, accusing me of not caring about my adult children. I felt like a victim when I was accused of having an affair that I did not have. I felt like a victim having wasted so much of my time worrying about his problems. I was a martyr, who else was going to fix this mess?
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity? I am getting stronger and healthier every day that passes. I am now protecting myself at all cost, I do not allow myself to verbally be put down anymore. Violent ranting is now my cue to leave. I dont need to be upset, I dont deserve to be treated badly. I dont need to put up with anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. I dont need to do things for my A just because I always did, I was sick then.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful? Came to believe (important because this is a process, it is an ongoing progress toward the life that I deserve) that a Power greater than ourselves (important because this disease is too powerful, cunning and masterful for me to handle alone) could restore (important because this is restorative, in that I was once upon a time was sane, I just need to remember and find that child again) us (important because I am not alone in this struggle, it is an us, I have a fellowship on this journey with me) to sanity.(important because this is what HP wants for me and what I was promised with hard work I will be once again whole and sane)
hotrod said
Mar 16, 2014
Thank you Morning Glory for taking the time to answer the Step 2 questions wih such honesty and clarity. i am pleased you have connected with your HP and decided to share the journey here.
Keep coming back
DavidG said
Mar 17, 2014
Ok, lets have a brush-up on step 2.
Last year I focussed on one word- the first word of Step 7. I prayed for clarity and wisdom over this one word. I realised that I have two hands, two feet and two ears...
So I could hold humility in one hand and pride in the other. For me is was about humility, not humiliation.
So, I look again at Step 2 and see if anything has changed.
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
Pain, curiosity I had as a child.
How do I describe that power?
-hard to describe something which is everywhere and everything.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
Feeling world weary. Hard to get simple things done. Beating myself up emotionally.
How do I define sanity?
(longer here...) I look at my family history- Victorians, Edwardians. Two world wars with a depression sandwiched in the middle. I no longer see that as insanity, but life itself, as it was. I was a product of all of this including the drinking. The drinking led to childish insane behaviour. it led to hopes and dreams unrealised. It led to anger, and conflict. Thankfully, thanks to years of Alanon I managed to clean up my side of the fence, as far as I could. I pefer "clarity" as an idea, to sanity... being able to talk about stuff, getting to think about this and building a mind, memory and experience I can share, even if, in the rooms.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
Being the scapegoat of the family, and then of the wider family...
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
Lots. i have a job now where I am respected and loved. cared about...
Alanon has given me a stable marriage out of wht seemed a wreckage... kids and grand-kids... with better prospects that what I had at the beginning...
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
"came to believe" was a good starter... there was no pressure about what or how I believed. I found that I had always believed. The desire to know more had me searching and led me to Alanon.
Thanks Betty, and y'all...
hotrod said
Mar 18, 2014
Dear David Thank you so much for sharing with such clarity and wisdom Glad you are here and willing to go around the Steps once again. I always find more hidden treasures in this Step the more often I review it. Nice to know you David
Mimi3 said
Mar 23, 2014
My Share on Step 2
I think when I first arrived, I had so many trust issues that thinking I could believe in anything, let alone a power greater than myself didn't seem likely....I grew up with a mom that forced fed me her beliefs and religion...I was not interested...of course If I didn't think like her I was going to hell....and I did, been there and done that!! So I started sharing in all the circles I sat in, I could see things in others that I wanted...I slowly learned to trust certain parts of certain people...then I was blessed to choose a wonderful sponsor.....any my journey really took off.....See I started to feel like she and all of you were God with skin on And I am so very grateful for that!! You helped me see if I came to believe in a power greater than Cindy, that my life could get better....I did & it did!!! I knew that my thinking was not right!! I had lived in such insanity for all of my life as I am also an ACOA....so, Insane all the way! As our Opening says, Our thinking becomes distorted without even realizing it! That was me all the way! I looked good on the outside, I worked with the public and I was very good at keeping secrets...you would never have known there was a thing wrong in my life, let alone everything WRONG IN MY LIFE! I am grateful to God, Al-Anon, my sponsor & all of you for showing me a far better way to live!!! I am beyond Blessed!!
Thank you for listening & Keep Coming Back, It Works, If You Work It, & you are worth it!!
hotrod said
Mar 23, 2014
Dear MIMI your honesty and clarity is so refreshing. Thank you for connecting and sharing your wisdom.
I am glad we are sharing this journey.
flopadopilus said
Mar 24, 2014
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself? Because there is no way that I could handle everything in my life and needed to realize I was not God and that I can't and He can. Life is easier that way.
How do I describe that power? I have a more traditional God with big hands that can take all the things I can not change or control and handle it all, and it is a lot.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes? Sometimes with my A's I forget they are sick, sick, sick and expect some normal behavior from them, but they quickly remind me and I get back on my side of the road.
How do I define sanity? I peaceful and serene place within myself with my head calm, my Spirit happy and my body healthy.
In what way have I felt like a victim? Most of my childhood and marriage, but I am now an overcomer thanks to Al-anon.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity? Since I have learned to turn things over and to have trust things are much simpler and I am lots calmer.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful? Power greater than myself and Sanity.
hotrod said
Mar 25, 2014
Dear Flop Great to see you back sharing your powerful insights and wisdom on Step 2.
I too found that if I had to admit that I was powerless, I had to have Faith in a power greater than myself to believe in or I would have been lost.
I am so very glad that Faith in HP had been a gift from this Step
Plese keep connecting
ryanhearted said
Mar 28, 2014
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
I have had some spiritual experiences that are pretty convincing to me that there is a God out there. Whether or not I am worthy of that God is still something I struggle with.
How do I describe that power?
I believe that things happen with the help of God. I see His work in many others around me. I believe that the insanity that comes from alcoholism would not be able to be eliminated without some clarity and strength from that power that God has.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
When I stay in my own head and isolate myself from doing work in the program, then I forget that my previous behaviors dont work. When I focus on others, then I try to control too much of the situation that is out of my control.
How do I define sanity?
Being patient and calm and not over-reacting.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
I have felt like a victim from my childhood, with abuse that I got from my father and mother, from my first marriage, from abuse from that man and from my current marriage. I feel like a victim when someone dictates what I should do, and if I dont stand up for myself and my desires.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
Just the fact that I am now accepting of al-anon and what I have to do in my life to change my thinking and actions is definitely due to a power greater than myself, because my actions would never bring me here. If I relied on myself, Id still be doing the same thought processes and actions. As it is, I really have to talk to myself and pray to keep those behaviors at bay. The only way to get that is through God for me, as I cannot seem to do so on my own.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
Came to believe.because thats truly what I have done, or am trying to do. I still struggle with whether or not I am worth it, and I am doing the footwork to get myself there, as I see others with what I want. So, I am coming to believe that it is possible that God could restore sanity to me and my life. So long as I do what I need to do.
hotrod said
Mar 29, 2014
Dear Lisa Thanks for sharing your thoughts,and expeerience with such clarity and honesty. So glad you are here.
pp said
Mar 30, 2014
I have been marinating in this step for a few days. Before al anon, I was in hell; not knowing why and not having direction as to how to get out. I wanted to get out, I wanted to get out desperately. I had a belief in God as a young child, but I never recognized that this belief was grander than I knew it to be and it needed to have a greater presence to carry me out of hell. When I began working step 2, my conscious contact with God increased and I integrated practices into my daily routine that made sure I did not crowd God out. I began to know that my HP was greater than me and that others HP was greater than them. I slowly began to give up the crazy idea that I was anyones HP (I need to be reminded from time to time). As time went on and I learned what it felt like to surrender to God, with baby steps at first, I felt more relaxed, less anxious, more confident of my choices and less fearful. I came out of my hell, although I still visit it occasionally. I don't stay, though...not a place to hang out. Thanks for reading!
hotrod said
Mar 30, 2014
Dear Paula Thank you so much for your reflections on this Step. I can so identify with the" baby steps" necessary to start in trusting HP and in finally surrenderingn the job being other's HP
I am so glad that we both found a way out of hell and know the Steps to take if we are ever back there again.
Thanks for sharing he journey
pp said
Mar 30, 2014
Me, too, Betty. I can breathe more freely and love this life I have been so graciously given.
enjoylife said
Mar 30, 2014
Hi I have been in Al-Anon for 17 years. Right now I feel lost, not really about active alcoholism. more within myself.
I don't feel sane at all. Right now depressed coupled with anxiety. Medication and life's choices I believe.
So I want more than anything to be restored to sanity, peace, contentment. I do practice Step 2 and ask to be restored but I am having trouble believing it right now. I do try to include God HP in everything. It's been a long long time since I have experience happiness or sanity.
Looking for the road there.....Thank you
pp said
Mar 30, 2014
I have found that when I am in that place, it is best to sit with it, stay in prayer, stay connected to my program and listen. Sometimes I may need to sit in that place (and I don't like it)because there is something for me to see, to know, to hear. These can be dark times and my faith is tested, for sure. And I admit I have moments of swearing at God, isolating, pouting, etc....these sometimes end up to be times of my biggest breakthroughs. Hugs....
pp said
Mar 30, 2014
Enjoylife, I just saw this prayer.
I ask for the grace of tranquility. My inner and outer world is often in chaos and I forget how to enter into inner clarity. I over-react from fear because I do not take the time to withdraw from the illusions in my life to see clearly. I ask for this grace to think through the chaos erupting in this present moment in my life.
Sunrise said
Apr 1, 2014
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
I have believed in my God since my baptism at the age of 1 month. My parents and my church have certainly contributed to my growth in faith. My sister also is an example I look to. I also have several friends who model a faith-filled life. I have experienced God in action, and that has certainly strengthened my faith. There have been times when I have prayed to God for help with certain things and knew inside that he had taken over for me. That is a powerful feeling. That feeling isn't there every day, but I remember and know that he can step in just as dramatically again.
How do I describe that power?
Total control over everything. The power to step in and change anything He wants. The power to strengthen people through any situation. The fact that even when life is awful, there is support, and the knowledge that He will not let go of me. Even if I physically die, He will still hold me in His hand and my soul will be with Him in His care.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
For a long time, I thought that my pointing out the problems alcohol was causing would eventually get through and cause my alcoholic to quit drinking. I also continued to be crabby and sarcastic, thinking that eventually it would cause a change in behavior. I would ask for alcohol to be controlled at certain events, thinking that this time he wouldn't get drunk because I asked him not to. I've expected sarcasm to modify my child's behavior. I've expected my house to stay clean without me doing any more than I had done before. I expect to be better at classroom management in my teaching without putting forth any extra effort to learn new strategies or techniques. I expect to feel rested without changing my bed time. I expect my child to do what I ask without committing to an intense period of following through on every request so that he can learn that he needs to respond to requests. I expect to feel thin and healthy while still overeating. I expect my blood sugar to be managed when I still eat too many carbs too often. I expect to have more time to work on certain tasks without making any changes in the amount of time I spend on other activities. I expect money in the bank without putting any long-term effort into changing my own spending habits and saying no to unnecessary things my child wants. I hope for change in a personal area of my life without making any change myself. Wow, doing the same thing and expecting different results - I guess I'm doing it in most areas of my life. Thankfully, in the area of alcoholism, I'm starting to detach. It looks like I need to put forth some energy into making changes in myself in order to see changes in other areas. Right now I feel like I don't have the energy! I hope that energy will come. There again, I can look to God for the energy when the time is right.
How do I define sanity?
Being able to do my daily tasks with relative calm, being able to reason through problems, freedom from panic or severe anxiety, being able to think clearly
In what way have I felt like a victim?
Self-centered thoughts such as: I don't have enough help caring for our child - I can't believe you are doing this to me/us - I'm embarrassed by your behavior - if you would quit drinking, (fill in the blank) would be better - why can't we be normal - why can't we agree on (fill in the blank) - I'm tired of making excuses for you - I'm tired of trying to explain your behavior - and on and on and on
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
God has shown me others that are thriving even though they live with and love an alcoholic. God has shown me hope that the alcoholic may at some point choose treatment. God has helped me with my thoughts - leading me toward detachment with love - helping me to think "what would al-anon principles suggest that I do?" I have seen fellow al-anoners hurting so much, and I get out of myself and feel for them. I am also being brought back to a time 10 or so years ago when I determined that I would not judge people because sometimes "not very good" is the very best that someone can do at a given moment. I've slipped away from that determination at times, but I'm being drawn back to it. I expect to see God continuing to act in my life.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
"a Power greater than ourselves could restore us" - these are the words I cling to in my faith and now in my al-anon learning. God can restore me in every way, not just to sanity.
hotrod said
Apr 1, 2014
Dear Sunrise,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Step Study Board Thank you so much for your honest reflections on the Step and how it can be applied to your life and thought process.
Please keep coming back and sharing
Desirae said
Apr 1, 2014
Just realized I posted on the step work board instead of the step 2 thread so I am simply copy & pasting:
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
One day, I asked a group to pray for me that I would find strength while I was going through a tough situation. There was an elder who then asked me, Why do you pray for strength?
I replied, I just need the mental capacity to get through this. I know it will pass, but I am so exhausted by this whole mess. I know there is nothing I can do to change the situation, but it hurts me to watch someone I love suffer.
She asks, So what you are really looking is for is something to comfort you? (Well, yea, I guess I am., is my reply.) So she goes on... Maybe you ought to pray for comfort and guidance instead. When you want more strength, you face yourself with challenges. When you are at the gym lifting weights, and you want to get stronger, what do you do?... You either add more repetitions or you add more weight. When you need comfort, you don't need more weight to carry, but for weight to be lifted. May I pray for your comfort and guidance then instead?
Would you believe I finally started to feel that comfort?
.
.
.
How do I describe that power?
The power I believe that is greater than myself is my God, whom I choose to refer to as Gitchimanidoo, which means Great Spirit or Great Mystery depending on the translator for the Ojibwe Native American language.
I was taught that in the beginning, Gitchimanidoo gave man original instructions to live by. Those instructions were to love, honor, respect, and care for all beings in the circle of life. When these directions were forgotten by man there was a great flood. Mud was brought up from the deep waters by surviving beings and placed on the back of the Great Turtle. Gitchimanidoo let this grow into what is referred to as Turtle Island, or the continent of North America.
As time passed, man once again started to forget the original instructions, so much so, that Gitchimanidoo pronounced that he was going to destroy Earth again, this time with fire. But the Great Eagle spoke on our behalf and claimed that there were still those who remember those instructions, to love, honor, respect, and care for all beings in the circle of life. So Gitchimanidoo made a deal with Great Eagle. Great Eagle was to fly down to the Earth every day and find at least one person that remembers and follows the original instructions, and is to fly up into the Heavens and report this to Gitchimanidoo... and for each day Great Eagle is able to find that one person, the Earth is given one more day.
This power to me is inspired by Gratitude. Gratitude each morning for one more day, gratitude for the things I have, need, and even some of the things I want, and gratitude that at least one person a day remembers the original instructions.... having gratitude for these things gives me hope for the future.
This is just a short and partial description of the creation story I was taught of course. I will try to keep up with this post if you would like to hear more.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
I've gotten pretty good at stopping these behaviors, or at least catching myself when I am in the act, but the lesson I learned was in the process of migrating from step 2 to step 3. I learned this lesson by making what was suggested to me as a God Box. This is simply a box with the word GOD on in. When taking time to pray and turn things over, I was advised to write them on a slip of paper and put it in the box... as a physical way to turn things over.
One day, I couldn't fit any more slips of paper in my box, so I opened it. I noticed something. Many of the things I turned over were written on multiple slips of paper. It was then that I noticed that once I started trusting my Higher Power, once that I truly believed that I came to truly believe that there was a power greater than myself, that I was ready to move on to step three and start turning things over without taking them back when I didn't like how things were turning out.
How do I define sanity?
The Mirriam Webster English dictionary defines the word sanity as:
1) the condition of having a healthy mind; the condition of being sane
2) the condition of being based on reason and good judgment
There are a few words in that definition that remind me of Al-anon tools:
HEALTHY: I have to care for myself mentally as well as physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
REASON: the Al-a-non promises posted at the end of every meeting suggests to Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
JUDGMENT: specifically good judgment... To me, good judgment means being brave enough to make the right decision even if I know it's gonna hurt.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
The first time I remember feeling like a victim was as a child. My mother, brother, and I were in a battered women's shelter and at first I didn't understand why. I was still under the impression that we were beaten for doing something wrong. That is my fault for standing up to my father, which was perceived by him and many family members as disrespecting my elders. So, from what I was taught up until then was that such treatment was normal. A therapist and a police officer took pictures of all of our injuries and explained to me that what my father did was wrong. That I had been a victim of abuse. I was 7 years old. The few short years after that, every time I was at a friends home where I saw that it was not normal to be beaten over spilled milk, I would feel like a victim.
This took a strange power over me. I grew into a person who expected certain behavior out of people, and when they didn't meet my expectations I took it personally! I felt victimized. But in hindsight, who was I to set those expectations. In many ways I victimized myself by setting expectations instead of goals.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
I not only have more gratitude, but I have noticed that I show more gratitude as well. I have more self confidence. I have higher self esteem. I do not take on other's problems like I used to. I make time for me and I enjoy my own company a lot more. I have a stronger relationship and better communication with my Higher Power, myself, and my family. But the biggest change is that I am not in control AND I am ok with that!
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
Came to believe - not to repeat myself... but I had to wholeheartedly come to believe in my Higher Power before I could move on in the program.
naomit said
Apr 19, 2014
Step 2
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
1: what led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
Meditation on "A course in miracles", to start I had to accept that all I believe is a perception only. That perception is formed by past experience whether understood or not. If Reality is only perception- and perception is flawed, then what I believe Is flawed. When I opened up to the idea that my perception was wrong new thoughts and revelations sprang to mind. Those thoughts were not formed by me they were given to me -that is when I knew and trusted in a power greater than myself.
2: How do I describe that power?
It is wisdom and compassion. A feeling of absolute peace.
3: what behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
I keep trying to be right. I find myself still trying to cover all the bases, be perfect . I have to consciously stop trying to anticipate his needs. Being perfect won't stop his addiction, being anything won't stop it-my actions can only bring healing to me, he has to heal himself.
4: how do I define sanity?
To see the world as it truly is, and be at peace with it.
5: in what way have I felt a victim?
I still have daydreams around imagined slights or disrespect. Seeing the whole scene and seeing myself as unjustly hurt. I rehash imagined and real slights to feel that fear and rejection again. I seek out the feeling every morning, until I catch myself and ask if that is really what I want to think.
6: what changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
My recognizing my own habitual thoughts and actions. Being able to see and change the behaviors that before would have been automatic. Accepting responsibility for my own thoughts and actions but no one else's.
hotrod said
Apr 19, 2014
Naomit Thank you for sharing with such clarity and wisdom Please continue to share the journey
clearthefog said
Apr 25, 2014
I tried al-anon back when I was in the thick of it with my exAH. Even though I believed in 'something', I didn't think it was the same, er, 'thing' that everybody else where I lived talked about and I was afraid they'd think I was in league with the devil if I told them what I really believed HP was like (i.e., not some cloudy form of an angry Dad). So I approached the 12 steps from this fearful place, and without being able to freely be in touch with my own HP, I of course did not understand how the steps could possibly work.
Ten years and a few strong, spiritual epiphanies later, I get it and I'm not letting it go again.
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
Several strong spiritual events happened to me that confirmed what I had suspected to be true (to me) since I was a toddler, but that I had rejected as an adult when the going got rough. These events sent me off searching again, and the answers I found comforted me and let me know I was not doing this alone. I was never alone. From then on, whenever I asked for help, I got it.
How do I describe that power?
Warm, encompassing love. Joyous light. There right in front of me and all around me, whether I am able to feel it, or not.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
That my STBX will suddenly get healthy and peaceful. That when he is nice to me, it's going to stick this time and won't turn on me for no reason. Or rather, that I will be finally smart enough and kind enough that he would not be mean to me.
How do I define sanity?
Being in touch with reality. Being stable, peaceful and right-headed enough to be in the present most - if not all - of the time.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
My EXAH all through my marriage abandoned me and his kids to go out drinking 6 nights out of 7, and then when it was all done, had the gall to tell everybody *I* had been the one who had been having affairs for 4 years! I think this is the worst one. There was the 'gun incident' too, but I'd rather not go into that. I have also been with an untreated mentally disordered person for the past decade, believing I was the one who caused his insanity. I played the victim role to try to get even and score points. Now I feel sorry that I spent all those years believing ill of myself, but I don't feel like a victim any more. I am prone to still rush to victim mode though as an initial reaction if an unreasonable (usually an out-of-control middle aged male) person goes on a yelling tirade at me. I'm getting better at recognizing this though, and that is usually enough to stop the ensuing several-hour-long depression these days. The HP is instrumental on this one: I can recognize that someone else's journey through this life is between them and their HP and nothing to do with me. Therefore the tirade is not personal to me. It's personal between the tyrant and his HP. This extinguishes my feelings of being a victim.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
The afore-mentioned epiphany that the aggression of an out-of-control, angry person is none of my business, but the business between them and their HP.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
"Restore us to Sanity". I know I was sane as a small child. I know I was at peace and extremely naturally spiritual. Yes please restore me to that.
hotrod said
Apr 25, 2014
Dear CleartheFog,
Thank you so much for sharing your determination and wisdom. It is such a gift to actualy "Know" that the HP of "Our understanding" is with us and will guide our evey Step.
Glad you are back and sharing the journey.
1lostmom said
May 21, 2014
Step two is one of the most difficult ones for me.
I grew up in a religious, Christian family and believed in God as a child.
then, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was born still. I was 18. God was not there for me during that time, and I lost my faith in him And in humanity in general. It took me years to learn to love and accept and have faith in myself and my own body again.
One of the reasons why I am so terrified about accepting my powerlessness is because I don't trust that whatever higher power there is out there genuinely has my back, and is there for me.
Along the lines of believing in myself, I do believe in karma, and for now, I believe for that to be my higher power. basically the idea that what I put out into the world will make its way back to me. I have faith that if I put anger, hate, resentment and hurt out into the world and treat others badly- that negative energy will come back to me and cycle. I have faith that if I put love, kindness, and hope out into the world and treat others with compassion- that positive energy will come back to me eventually. One can hope, right?
I regularly engage in fights with my A husband, expecting things to go differently and am disappointed and hurt when they do not.
I define sanity as finding peace. Maybe not necessarily feeling peaceful all the time, but knowing what I need to do to find peace within myself in any situation.
I feel like a victim in so many ways. I feel like a victim every single time my A husband calls me names and belittles me. I felt like a victim with my daughter's dad. I felt like a victim growing up in my house with my controlling mother. I feel like a victim because of the loss of my son.
i have found that the less I wallow in self pity, sadness and depression and the more I force myself to be positive and optimistic, the more positive my life becomes. When A husband is angry and acting inappropriately and I choose to hold onto the resentment and anger- the more it stays. But when I choose to love him and let go of the hurtful words- the better I feel and the pain goes away for a while.
The word "restore" is so powerful to me. I often forget that I had sanity at one point, and I often lose faith that I will ever be in that place again long term. When a building is restored, it is often expensive, time consuming, frustrating, and takes a lot of hard work. But the end result is beautiful, fresh, and new.
hotrod said
May 21, 2014
Dear 1 lostmom I too lost my faith in the God of my childhood after a few extremely disappointing and shattering events in my life. I thank Alanon for allowing me the time and direction to find a HP of my understanding. I found that the thought, I came, I came to , I came to believe very true. I then needed to practice trusting that H P by working the remaning Steps . Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 9th of June 2014 06:59:45 PM
flowerchild said
Jun 9, 2014
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?I know that God is my higher power. I got so caught up in the whole disease, sickness and circus of my husbands addiction. I forgot that he is greater than me.
How do I describe that power? Comforting, always present, confidential, trustworthy, serene, safe.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes? My husband to call me from the 1/2way house to say he is missing me, my anger bubbling inside me and then not letting it just blow up, but be destructive
How do I define sanity? Taking care of myself. Behaving appropriately when talking with my AH, keeping my side of the street clean. Working through my issues.
In what way have I felt like a victim? My AH stole from me , lied to me and now has in a giant financial fire
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity? I am learning to process things before I shoot of my mouth, it's ok to have feelings and feel them. I am a work in progress, I am not perfection.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful? A power then myself can restore me to sanity. That is true...for me sometimes every second of the day I have to talk with my HP and pray for sanity, peace and calm within my own mind.
hotrod said
Jun 9, 2014
Dear flowerchild Thank you for your wise words and honest share on this Step. Please keep coming back.
The best is yet to come
slowlearner said
Jun 15, 2014
Grew up Catholic live with an uber alcoholic Catholic hypocrite. Right now I'm very bitter and resent the thought of a higher power. Because I've prayed to one for years without results.
hotrod said
Jun 15, 2014
Nancy I can so identify This is a spiritual program and we are free to decide what / who our Power Greate"r than ourselves is. At first, I used the Principles of alanon, the tools, the meetings, the slogans as my Higher power It worked.
Please keep an open mind and see if that works for you. I found my prayers were not ansered because I payed "My Will be done" and then did not see the gifts that I had been givenwhen it was not my way
Please keep sharing .
wearymother said
Jun 17, 2014
My Share When I accepted that I have no control, whatsoever, over addiction., or over my addicted daughter, I began to lose hope. I may have given up control, which I never really had in the first place, but that did not mean that I had to give up hope. That did not mean that nothing could be done to help my AD. I just meant that I couldn't do it. If not me, then who? That is where Step Two comes in.
I grew up in a good Christian home, where the true principles of Christian belief were lived and taught. There was never a time that I did not believe in God. As I grew as a person, I began to have a relationship with God. I sincerely believe He has brought us through many hard times. I love God and I know that God loves me. I believe that Jesus died for me, and that the Holy Spirit lives in me. With all that said, I am struggling with Step Two. Why?
All of a sudden I had to admit that God was a 'Power greater than myself'. Oh, I am aware of the greatness and power of an Almighty God. I do believe that He is the creator of the universe and that He is Omnipotent and Omniscient. I just have to admit that I am not. I have been forced to give up my role as God and give it back to HIM, where it belongs. I am not in control, I cannot do anything about the situation, but GOD can.
Yesterday tested my resolve to not try to control things. Daughter was subpoenaed to go across state to testify in a court case. She had no choice but to go, so we provided her with money for gas, and I reserved a motel room for her at a motel using my points. That was Sunday, on Monday I got a call from the motel telling me that they had kicked daughter out because she had 5 people staying in the room and they were smoking pot. (they also charged me over $300). I was angry, needless to say. I suppose it was a good thing that she was across the state and unavailable.
I prayed the Serenity Prayer several times, and a peace came over me. That is the only way I can describe it. I began to think about the situation, and decided that I will leave dealing with her about this situation to her Daddy. I will accept whatever he decided. I recognize this to be God working in my life, because it is the only explanation I have for it. The reaction was so NOT ME! I do keep running scenarios through my head, and when those thoughts creep in there, I pray and ask God to take care of them.
I read somewhere that if we keep praying over and over and over, begging God to do this or that, that we are praying for OUR will to be done, not God's. I think that is what I have been doing. It is time for me to 'step out of the wagon' and let God deal with things.
I have no control, but GOD does. God can and will restore sanity to myself and my home. He can even restore sanity to our daughter, but HE has to do it HIS way in HIS time.
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself? I was raised in a home that believes in God. Not only that, but they practiced and taught their beliefs in a very positive manner. I have always believed in God, but I have not always trusted Him.
How do I describe that power? He is the God of the Bible. One who loves me so much that He was willing to leave the grandeur of heaven to live in poverty and die a cruel, unjust death to save ME from the pits of hell. He is the creator of the Universe, the Savior of mankind, and He is my best friend. He is all powerful, all knowing, lover of the unlovable. He is just. He is....well, He is GOD!
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes? The yelling and fighting and demanding that things be done the way I want them,expecting people to finally do it my way.
How do I define sanity? If insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome, sanity would be doing the same thing and expecting the same outcome and/or doing a different thing expecting a different outcome.
In what way have I felt like a victim? I feel like a victim of my daughters choices. She makes the choices and I have to live with the consequences and pay the bills. I have become a victim of my own thinking. I imagine scenarios that do not happen, and I let that thinking control me.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity? When I got that phone call yesterday, I didn't yell, scream, or hit anyone, I tried to reach daughter, left message for her to call, and told her Daddy what had happened. I have not been 'stewing' over this, as I usually would. When negative thoughts creep into my mind, I pray the Serenity Prayer and take it out of my hands and into His.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful? To me it is not so much that I believe in a HP, it is that I believe that He can (and will) restore me to sanity. That is the hope to which I am clinging.
hotrod said
Jun 18, 2014
Dear wearymother Thank you for sharing with such great wisdom and insight. Your dedication and honesty will serve you well as you continue on this journey. Please continue on to step three.
Step Two
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
QUOTE FROM ALANON LITERATURE
" REACHING FOR PERSONAL FREEDOM"
Whether we live or have lived with the disease of alcoholism the 12 steps offer hope. Step one gives us some detachment from the problem and some relief as we let go of what we cannot control. Step two begins to point the way to a higher level of serenity.In working step two, we learn to look beyond ourselves for answers. This step reminds us we are not alone, and that there is a power greater than ourselves to guide, direct, and restore us, regardless of what our interpretation of this power may be.
My share
Having admitted my powerlessness in step one I would be unable to continue to function on less I was able to accept the fact that although I was powerless there was a power greater than myself and alcoholism that I could trust to help me become sane once again. I must note that on the outside my life looked fine I was a master pretender. My denial and pretend protected me from the judgment of the outside world. Inside my mind heart and soul I felt the anger, rage, pent up resentment and self-pity that only living with the disease of alcoholism can generate. I truly felt insane and needed to be restored to sanity.
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
How do I describe that power?
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
How do I define sanity?
In what way have I felt like a victim?
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
Step Two:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
I had been falsely accused of having an extra marital affair. I was so upset by this and felt so heartbroken and dreadful that I slid into a very dark place. The constant harassing and questioning, fear, rage and hostility was just too much. I took to going only to work and back. No friends in, no outside activities, I would sometimes cook dinner and mostly just go to bed. I lost weight, too much and my health was suffering. It was awful. This went on for about a year and one day I decided that it had to stop, I felt I was going to die if something didnt change. I can only explain it as a power greater than myself that encouraged me out of the bed that day and back into life. This story was not going to end this way!
How do I describe that power?
My HP is an unexplainable warm and powerful energy that lifts me, loves and comforts me and provides motivation for me.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
I keep thinking that the A would want to be healthy for our adult children if not for me, but I know that he is not well and cant do this. I guess it is false hope more so than an expectation.
How do I define sanity?
Sanity to me at this point is more what it is not than what it isnot running around like I used to, trying to fix the worlds problems. Not imposing my opinion on every issue that is presented. Choosing my battles carefully, not attending every argument. Not always having to be perfect, or right, a Miss. Know it All. Not being so critical of others. I imagine that I will one day experience true sanity as a complete serenity, a quiet peacefulness and self-satisfaction with my life.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
Having had a bad reaction to being prescribed anti-depressants and then also drinking alcohol, my A had rants that he does not seem to recall. Perhaps blackouts, Im not sure, but very frightening to me, terrifying actually. I felt a victim when my A was raging out of control, spitting mad, throwing my things in the trash, accusing me of not caring about my adult children. I felt like a victim when I was accused of having an affair that I did not have. I felt like a victim having wasted so much of my time worrying about his problems. I was a martyr, who else was going to fix this mess?
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
I am getting stronger and healthier every day that passes. I am now protecting myself at all cost, I do not allow myself to verbally be put down anymore. Violent ranting is now my cue to leave. I dont need to be upset, I dont deserve to be treated badly. I dont need to put up with anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. I dont need to do things for my A just because I always did, I was sick then.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
Came to believe (important because this is a process, it is an ongoing progress toward the life that I deserve)
that a Power greater than ourselves (important because this disease is too powerful, cunning and masterful for me to handle alone) could restore (important because this is restorative, in that I was once upon a time was sane, I just need to remember and find that child again)
us (important because I am not alone in this struggle, it is an us, I have a fellowship on this journey with me)
to sanity.(important because this is what HP wants for me and what I was promised with hard work I will be once again whole and sane)
Keep coming back
Ok, lets have a brush-up on step 2.
Last year I focussed on one word- the first word of Step 7. I prayed for clarity and wisdom over this one word. I realised that I have two hands, two feet and two ears...
So I could hold humility in one hand and pride in the other. For me is was about humility, not humiliation.
So, I look again at Step 2 and see if anything has changed.
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
Pain, curiosity I had as a child.
How do I describe that power?
-hard to describe something which is everywhere and everything.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
Feeling world weary. Hard to get simple things done. Beating myself up emotionally.
How do I define sanity?
(longer here...) I look at my family history- Victorians, Edwardians. Two world wars with a depression sandwiched in the middle. I no longer see that as insanity, but life itself, as it was. I was a product of all of this including the drinking. The drinking led to childish insane behaviour. it led to hopes and dreams unrealised. It led to anger, and conflict. Thankfully, thanks to years of Alanon I managed to clean up my side of the fence, as far as I could. I pefer "clarity" as an idea, to sanity... being able to talk about stuff, getting to think about this and building a mind, memory and experience I can share, even if, in the rooms.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
Being the scapegoat of the family, and then of the wider family...
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
Lots. i have a job now where I am respected and loved. cared about...
Alanon has given me a stable marriage out of wht seemed a wreckage... kids and grand-kids... with better prospects that what I had at the beginning...
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
"came to believe" was a good starter... there was no pressure about what or how I believed. I found that I had always believed. The desire to know more had me searching and led me to Alanon.
Thanks Betty, and y'all...
My Share on Step 2
I think when I first arrived, I had so many trust issues that thinking I could believe in anything, let alone a power greater than myself didn't seem likely....I grew up with a mom that forced fed me her beliefs and religion...I was not interested...of course If I didn't think like her I was going to hell....and I did, been there and done that!!
So I started sharing in all the circles I sat in, I could see things in others that I wanted...I slowly learned to trust certain parts of certain people...then I was blessed to choose a wonderful sponsor.....any my journey really took off.....See I started to feel like she and all of you were God with skin on
And I am so very grateful for that!! You helped me see if I came to believe in a power greater than Cindy, that my life could get better....I did & it did!!! I knew that my thinking was not right!! I had lived in such insanity for all of my life as I am also an ACOA....so, Insane all the way! As our Opening says, Our thinking becomes distorted without even realizing it! That was me all the way! I looked good on the outside, I worked with the public and I was very good at keeping secrets...you would never have known there was a thing wrong in my life, let alone everything WRONG IN MY LIFE! I am grateful to God, Al-Anon, my sponsor & all of you for showing me a far better way to live!!! I am beyond Blessed!!
Thank you for listening & Keep Coming Back, It Works, If You Work It, & you are worth it!!
I am glad we are sharing this journey.
How do I describe that power? I have a more traditional God with big hands that can take all the things I can not change or control and handle it all, and it is a lot.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes? Sometimes with my A's I forget they are sick, sick, sick and expect some normal behavior from them, but they quickly remind me and I get back on my side of the road.
How do I define sanity? I peaceful and serene place within myself with my head calm, my Spirit happy and my body healthy.
In what way have I felt like a victim? Most of my childhood and marriage, but I am now an overcomer thanks to Al-anon.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity? Since I have learned to turn things over and to have trust things are much simpler and I am lots calmer.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful? Power greater than myself and Sanity.
Dear Flop Great to see you back sharing your powerful insights and wisdom on Step 2.
I too found that if I had to admit that I was powerless, I had to have Faith in a power greater than myself to believe in or I would have been lost.
I am so very glad that Faith in HP had been a gift from this Step
Plese keep connecting
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
I have had some spiritual experiences that are pretty convincing to me that there is a God out there. Whether or not I am worthy of that God is still something I struggle with.
How do I describe that power?
I believe that things happen with the help of God. I see His work in many others around me. I believe that the insanity that comes from alcoholism would not be able to be eliminated without some clarity and strength from that power that God has.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
When I stay in my own head and isolate myself from doing work in the program, then I forget that my previous behaviors dont work. When I focus on others, then I try to control too much of the situation that is out of my control.
How do I define sanity?
Being patient and calm and not over-reacting.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
I have felt like a victim from my childhood, with abuse that I got from my father and mother, from my first marriage, from abuse from that man and from my current marriage. I feel like a victim when someone dictates what I should do, and if I dont stand up for myself and my desires.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
Just the fact that I am now accepting of al-anon and what I have to do in my life to change my thinking and actions is definitely due to a power greater than myself, because my actions would never bring me here. If I relied on myself, Id still be doing the same thought processes and actions. As it is, I really have to talk to myself and pray to keep those behaviors at bay. The only way to get that is through God for me, as I cannot seem to do so on my own.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
Came to believe.because thats truly what I have done, or am trying to do. I still struggle with whether or not I am worth it, and I am doing the footwork to get myself there, as I see others with what I want. So, I am coming to believe that it is possible that God could restore sanity to me and my life. So long as I do what I need to do.
I have been marinating in this step for a few days. Before al anon, I was in hell; not knowing why and not having direction as to how to get out. I wanted to get out, I wanted to get out desperately. I had a belief in God as a young child, but I never recognized that this belief was grander than I knew it to be and it needed to have a greater presence to carry me out of hell. When I began working step 2, my conscious contact with God increased and I integrated practices into my daily routine that made sure I did not crowd God out. I began to know that my HP was greater than me and that others HP was greater than them. I slowly began to give up the crazy idea that I was anyones HP (I need to be reminded from time to time). As time went on and I learned what it felt like to surrender to God, with baby steps at first, I felt more relaxed, less anxious, more confident of my choices and less fearful. I came out of my hell, although I still visit it occasionally
. I don't stay, though...not a place to hang out. Thanks for reading!
I am so glad that we both found a way out of hell and know the Steps to take if we are ever back there again.
Thanks for sharing he journey
Me, too, Betty. I can breathe more freely and love this life I have been so graciously given.
I don't feel sane at all. Right now depressed coupled with anxiety. Medication and life's choices I believe.
So I want more than anything to be restored to sanity, peace, contentment. I do practice Step 2 and ask to be restored but I am having trouble believing it right now. I do try to include God HP in everything. It's been a long long time since I have experience happiness or sanity.
Looking for the road there.....Thank you
I have found that when I am in that place, it is best to sit with it, stay in prayer, stay connected to my program and listen. Sometimes I may need to sit in that place (and I don't like it)because there is something for me to see, to know, to hear. These can be dark times and my faith is tested, for sure. And I admit I have moments of swearing at God, isolating, pouting, etc....these sometimes end up to be times of my biggest breakthroughs. Hugs....
Enjoylife, I just saw this prayer.
I ask for the grace of tranquility. My inner and outer world is often in chaos and I forget how to enter into inner clarity. I over-react from fear because I do not take the time to withdraw from the illusions in my life to see clearly. I ask for this grace to think through the chaos erupting in this present moment in my life.
I have believed in my God since my baptism at the age of 1 month. My parents and my church have certainly contributed to my growth in faith. My sister also is an example I look to. I also have several friends who model a faith-filled life. I have experienced God in action, and that has certainly strengthened my faith. There have been times when I have prayed to God for help with certain things and knew inside that he had taken over for me. That is a powerful feeling. That feeling isn't there every day, but I remember and know that he can step in just as dramatically again.
How do I describe that power?
Total control over everything. The power to step in and change anything He wants. The power to strengthen people through any situation. The fact that even when life is awful, there is support, and the knowledge that He will not let go of me. Even if I physically die, He will still hold me in His hand and my soul will be with Him in His care.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
For a long time, I thought that my pointing out the problems alcohol was causing would eventually get through and cause my alcoholic to quit drinking. I also continued to be crabby and sarcastic, thinking that eventually it would cause a change in behavior. I would ask for alcohol to be controlled at certain events, thinking that this time he wouldn't get drunk because I asked him not to. I've expected sarcasm to modify my child's behavior. I've expected my house to stay clean without me doing any more than I had done before. I expect to be better at classroom management in my teaching without putting forth any extra effort to learn new strategies or techniques. I expect to feel rested without changing my bed time. I expect my child to do what I ask without committing to an intense period of following through on every request so that he can learn that he needs to respond to requests. I expect to feel thin and healthy while still overeating. I expect my blood sugar to be managed when I still eat too many carbs too often. I expect to have more time to work on certain tasks without making any changes in the amount of time I spend on other activities. I expect money in the bank without putting any long-term effort into changing my own spending habits and saying no to unnecessary things my child wants. I hope for change in a personal area of my life without making any change myself. Wow, doing the same thing and expecting different results - I guess I'm doing it in most areas of my life. Thankfully, in the area of alcoholism, I'm starting to detach. It looks like I need to put forth some energy into making changes in myself in order to see changes in other areas. Right now I feel like I don't have the energy! I hope that energy will come. There again, I can look to God for the energy when the time is right.
How do I define sanity?
Being able to do my daily tasks with relative calm, being able to reason through problems, freedom from panic or severe anxiety, being able to think clearly
In what way have I felt like a victim?
Self-centered thoughts such as: I don't have enough help caring for our child - I can't believe you are doing this to me/us - I'm embarrassed by your behavior - if you would quit drinking, (fill in the blank) would be better - why can't we be normal - why can't we agree on (fill in the blank) - I'm tired of making excuses for you - I'm tired of trying to explain your behavior - and on and on and on
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
God has shown me others that are thriving even though they live with and love an alcoholic. God has shown me hope that the alcoholic may at some point choose treatment. God has helped me with my thoughts - leading me toward detachment with love - helping me to think "what would al-anon principles suggest that I do?" I have seen fellow al-anoners hurting so much, and I get out of myself and feel for them. I am also being brought back to a time 10 or so years ago when I determined that I would not judge people because sometimes "not very good" is the very best that someone can do at a given moment. I've slipped away from that determination at times, but I'm being drawn back to it. I expect to see God continuing to act in my life.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
"a Power greater than ourselves could restore us" - these are the words I cling to in my faith and now in my al-anon learning. God can restore me in every way, not just to sanity.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Step Study Board Thank you so much for your honest reflections on the Step and how it can be applied to your life and thought process.
Please keep coming back and sharing
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
One day, I asked a group to pray for me that I would find strength while I was going through a tough situation. There was an elder who then asked me, Why do you pray for strength?
I replied, I just need the mental capacity to get through this. I know it will pass, but I am so exhausted by this whole mess. I know there is nothing I can do to change the situation, but it hurts me to watch someone I love suffer.
She asks, So what you are really looking is for is something to comfort you? (Well, yea, I guess I am., is my reply.) So she goes on... Maybe you ought to pray for comfort and guidance instead. When you want more strength, you face yourself with challenges. When you are at the gym lifting weights, and you want to get stronger, what do you do?... You either add more repetitions or you add more weight. When you need comfort, you don't need more weight to carry, but for weight to be lifted. May I pray for your comfort and guidance then instead?
Would you believe I finally started to feel that comfort?
.
.
.
How do I describe that power?
The power I believe that is greater than myself is my God, whom I choose to refer to as Gitchimanidoo, which means Great Spirit or Great Mystery depending on the translator for the Ojibwe Native American language.
I was taught that in the beginning, Gitchimanidoo gave man original instructions to live by. Those instructions were to love, honor, respect, and care for all beings in the circle of life. When these directions were forgotten by man there was a great flood. Mud was brought up from the deep waters by surviving beings and placed on the back of the Great Turtle. Gitchimanidoo let this grow into what is referred to as Turtle Island, or the continent of North America.
As time passed, man once again started to forget the original instructions, so much so, that Gitchimanidoo pronounced that he was going to destroy Earth again, this time with fire. But the Great Eagle spoke on our behalf and claimed that there were still those who remember those instructions, to love, honor, respect, and care for all beings in the circle of life. So Gitchimanidoo made a deal with Great Eagle. Great Eagle was to fly down to the Earth every day and find at least one person that remembers and follows the original instructions, and is to fly up into the Heavens and report this to Gitchimanidoo... and for each day Great Eagle is able to find that one person, the Earth is given one more day.
This power to me is inspired by Gratitude. Gratitude each morning for one more day, gratitude for the things I have, need, and even some of the things I want, and gratitude that at least one person a day remembers the original instructions.... having gratitude for these things gives me hope for the future.
This is just a short and partial description of the creation story I was taught of course. I will try to keep up with this post if you would like to hear more.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
I've gotten pretty good at stopping these behaviors, or at least catching myself when I am in the act, but the lesson I learned was in the process of migrating from step 2 to step 3. I learned this lesson by making what was suggested to me as a God Box. This is simply a box with the word GOD on in. When taking time to pray and turn things over, I was advised to write them on a slip of paper and put it in the box... as a physical way to turn things over.
One day, I couldn't fit any more slips of paper in my box, so I opened it. I noticed something. Many of the things I turned over were written on multiple slips of paper. It was then that I noticed that once I started trusting my Higher Power, once that I truly believed that I came to truly believe that there was a power greater than myself, that I was ready to move on to step three and start turning things over without taking them back when I didn't like how things were turning out.
How do I define sanity?
The Mirriam Webster English dictionary defines the word sanity as:
1) the condition of having a healthy mind; the condition of being sane
2) the condition of being based on reason and good judgment
There are a few words in that definition that remind me of Al-anon tools:
HEALTHY: I have to care for myself mentally as well as physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
REASON: the Al-a-non promises posted at the end of every meeting suggests to Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
JUDGMENT: specifically good judgment... To me, good judgment means being brave enough to make the right decision even if I know it's gonna hurt.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
The first time I remember feeling like a victim was as a child. My mother, brother, and I were in a battered women's shelter and at first I didn't understand why. I was still under the impression that we were beaten for doing something wrong. That is my fault for standing up to my father, which was perceived by him and many family members as disrespecting my elders. So, from what I was taught up until then was that such treatment was normal. A therapist and a police officer took pictures of all of our injuries and explained to me that what my father did was wrong. That I had been a victim of abuse. I was 7 years old. The few short years after that, every time I was at a friends home where I saw that it was not normal to be beaten over spilled milk, I would feel like a victim.
This took a strange power over me. I grew into a person who expected certain behavior out of people, and when they didn't meet my expectations I took it personally! I felt victimized. But in hindsight, who was I to set those expectations. In many ways I victimized myself by setting expectations instead of goals.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
I not only have more gratitude, but I have noticed that I show more gratitude as well. I have more self confidence. I have higher self esteem. I do not take on other's problems like I used to. I make time for me and I enjoy my own company a lot more. I have a stronger relationship and better communication with my Higher Power, myself, and my family. But the biggest change is that I am not in control AND I am ok with that!
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
Came to believe - not to repeat myself... but I had to wholeheartedly come to believe in my Higher Power before I could move on in the program.
Step 2
I tried al-anon back when I was in the thick of it with my exAH. Even though I believed in 'something', I didn't think it was the same, er, 'thing' that everybody else where I lived talked about and I was afraid they'd think I was in league with the devil if I told them what I really believed HP was like (i.e., not some cloudy form of an angry Dad). So I approached the 12 steps from this fearful place, and without being able to freely be in touch with my own HP, I of course did not understand how the steps could possibly work.
Ten years and a few strong, spiritual epiphanies later, I get it and I'm not letting it go again.
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
Several strong spiritual events happened to me that confirmed what I had suspected to be true (to me) since I was a toddler, but that I had rejected as an adult when the going got rough. These events sent me off searching again, and the answers I found comforted me and let me know I was not doing this alone. I was never alone. From then on, whenever I asked for help, I got it.
How do I describe that power?
Warm, encompassing love. Joyous light. There right in front of me and all around me, whether I am able to feel it, or not.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
That my STBX will suddenly get healthy and peaceful. That when he is nice to me, it's going to stick this time and won't turn on me for no reason. Or rather, that I will be finally smart enough and kind enough that he would not be mean to me.
How do I define sanity?
Being in touch with reality. Being stable, peaceful and right-headed enough to be in the present most - if not all - of the time.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
My EXAH all through my marriage abandoned me and his kids to go out drinking 6 nights out of 7, and then when it was all done, had the gall to tell everybody *I* had been the one who had been having affairs for 4 years! I think this is the worst one. There was the 'gun incident' too, but I'd rather not go into that. I have also been with an untreated mentally disordered person for the past decade, believing I was the one who caused his insanity. I played the victim role to try to get even and score points. Now I feel sorry that I spent all those years believing ill of myself, but I don't feel like a victim any more. I am prone to still rush to victim mode though as an initial reaction if an unreasonable (usually an out-of-control middle aged male) person goes on a yelling tirade at me. I'm getting better at recognizing this though, and that is usually enough to stop the ensuing several-hour-long depression these days. The HP is instrumental on this one: I can recognize that someone else's journey through this life is between them and their HP and nothing to do with me. Therefore the tirade is not personal to me. It's personal between the tyrant and his HP. This extinguishes my feelings of being a victim.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
The afore-mentioned epiphany that the aggression of an out-of-control, angry person is none of my business, but the business between them and their HP.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
"Restore us to Sanity". I know I was sane as a small child. I know I was at peace and extremely naturally spiritual. Yes please restore me to that.
Thank you so much for sharing your determination and wisdom. It is such a gift to actualy "Know" that the HP of "Our understanding" is with us and will guide our evey Step.
Glad you are back and sharing the journey.
Step two is one of the most difficult ones for me.
I grew up in a religious, Christian family and believed in God as a child.
then, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was born still. I was 18. God was not there for me during that time, and I lost my faith in him And in humanity in general. It took me years to learn to love and accept and have faith in myself and my own body again.
One of the reasons why I am so terrified about accepting my powerlessness is because I don't trust that whatever higher power there is out there genuinely has my back, and is there for me.
Along the lines of believing in myself, I do believe in karma, and for now, I believe for that to be my higher power. basically the idea that what I put out into the world will make its way back to me. I have faith that if I put anger, hate, resentment and hurt out into the world and treat others badly- that negative energy will come back to me and cycle. I have faith that if I put love, kindness, and hope out into the world and treat others with compassion- that positive energy will come back to me eventually. One can hope, right?
I regularly engage in fights with my A husband, expecting things to go differently and am disappointed and hurt when they do not.
I define sanity as finding peace. Maybe not necessarily feeling peaceful all the time, but knowing what I need to do to find peace within myself in any situation.
I feel like a victim in so many ways. I feel like a victim every single time my A husband calls me names and belittles me. I felt like a victim with my daughter's dad. I felt like a victim growing up in my house with my controlling mother. I feel like a victim because of the loss of my son.
i have found that the less I wallow in self pity, sadness and depression and the more I force myself to be positive and optimistic, the more positive my life becomes. When A husband is angry and acting inappropriately and I choose to hold onto the resentment and anger- the more it stays. But when I choose to love him and let go of the hurtful words- the better I feel and the pain goes away for a while.
The word "restore" is so powerful to me. I often forget that I had sanity at one point, and I often lose faith that I will ever be in that place again long term. When a building is restored, it is often expensive, time consuming, frustrating, and takes a lot of hard work. But the end result is beautiful, fresh, and new.
Dear 1 lostmom I too lost my faith in the God of my childhood after a few extremely disappointing and shattering events in my life. I thank Alanon for allowing me the time and direction to find a HP of my understanding. I found that the thought, I came, I came to , I came to believe very true. I then needed to practice trusting that H P by working the remaning Steps . Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 9th of June 2014 06:59:45 PM
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself? I know that God is my higher power. I got so caught up in the whole disease, sickness and circus of my husbands addiction. I forgot that he is greater than me.
How do I describe that power? Comforting, always present, confidential, trustworthy, serene, safe.
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes? My husband to call me from the 1/2way house to say he is missing me, my anger bubbling inside me and then not letting it just blow up, but be destructive
How do I define sanity? Taking care of myself. Behaving appropriately when talking with my AH, keeping my side of the street clean. Working through my issues.
In what way have I felt like a victim? My AH stole from me , lied to me and now has in a giant financial fire
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity? I am learning to process things before I shoot of my mouth, it's ok to have feelings and feel them. I am a work in progress, I am not perfection.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful? A power then myself can restore me to sanity. That is true...for me sometimes every second of the day I have to talk with my HP and pray for sanity, peace and calm within my own mind.
The best is yet to come
Grew up Catholic live with an uber alcoholic Catholic hypocrite. Right now I'm very bitter and resent the thought of a higher power. Because I've prayed to one for years without results.
Please keep an open mind and see if that works for you. I found my prayers were not ansered because I payed "My Will be done" and then did not see the gifts that I had been givenwhen it was not my way
Please keep sharing .
My Share
When I accepted that I have no control, whatsoever, over addiction., or over my addicted daughter,
I began to lose hope. I may have given up control, which I never really had in the first place, but that did not mean that I had to give up hope. That did not mean that nothing could be done to help my AD. I just meant that I couldn't do it. If not me, then who? That is where Step Two comes in.
I grew up in a good Christian home, where the true principles of Christian belief were lived and taught. There was never a time that I did not believe in God. As I grew as a person, I began to have a relationship with God. I sincerely believe He has brought us through many hard times. I love God and I know that God loves me. I believe that Jesus died for me, and that the Holy Spirit lives in me. With all that said, I am struggling with Step Two. Why?
All of a sudden I had to admit that God was a 'Power greater than myself'. Oh, I am aware of the greatness and power of an Almighty God. I do believe that He is the creator of the universe and that He is Omnipotent and Omniscient. I just have to admit that I am not. I have been forced to give up my role as God and give it back to HIM, where it belongs. I am not in control, I cannot do anything about the situation, but GOD can.
Yesterday tested my resolve to not try to control things. Daughter was subpoenaed to go across state to testify in a court case. She had no choice but to go, so we provided her with money for gas, and I reserved a motel room for her at a motel using my points. That was Sunday, on Monday I got a call from the motel telling me that they had kicked daughter out because she had 5 people staying in the room and they were smoking pot. (they also charged me over $300). I was angry, needless to say. I suppose it was a good thing that she was across the state and unavailable.
I prayed the Serenity Prayer several times, and a peace came over me. That is the only way I can describe it. I began to think about the situation, and decided that I will leave dealing with her about this situation to her Daddy. I will accept whatever he decided. I recognize this to be God working in my life, because it is the only explanation I have for it. The reaction was so NOT ME! I do keep running scenarios through my head, and when those thoughts creep in there, I pray and ask God to take care of them.
I read somewhere that if we keep praying over and over and over, begging God to do this or that, that we are praying for OUR will to be done, not God's. I think that is what I have been doing. It is time for me to 'step out of the wagon' and let God deal with things.
I have no control, but GOD does. God can and will restore sanity to myself and my home. He can even restore sanity to our daughter, but HE has to do it HIS way in HIS time.
Step two questions
What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?
I was raised in a home that believes in God. Not only that, but they practiced and taught their beliefs in a very positive manner. I have always believed in God, but I have not always trusted Him.
How do I describe that power?
He is the God of the Bible. One who loves me so much that He was willing to leave the grandeur of heaven to live in poverty and die a cruel, unjust death to save ME from the pits of hell. He is the creator of the Universe, the Savior of mankind, and He is my best friend. He is all powerful, all knowing, lover of the unlovable. He is just. He is....well, He is GOD!
What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?
The yelling and fighting and demanding that things be done the way I want them,expecting people to finally do it my way.
How do I define sanity?
If insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome, sanity would be doing the same thing and expecting the same outcome and/or doing a different thing expecting a different outcome.
In what way have I felt like a victim?
I feel like a victim of my daughters choices. She makes the choices and I have to live with the consequences and pay the bills. I have become a victim of my own thinking. I imagine scenarios that do not happen, and I let that thinking control me.
What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?
When I got that phone call yesterday, I didn't yell, scream, or hit anyone, I tried to reach daughter, left message for her to call, and told her Daddy what had happened. I have not been 'stewing' over this, as I usually would. When negative thoughts creep into my mind, I pray the Serenity Prayer and take it out of my hands and into His.
Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?
To me it is not so much that I believe in a HP, it is that I believe that He can (and will) restore me to sanity. That is the hope to which I am clinging.