4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Please do this step.

I have seen people procrastinate on this step, make excuses, skip, or even quit working the steps over it. I myself took a long time to do this step myself because I was afraid I'd start beating myself up and would never stop. However, this isn't about beating ourselves up.

We're not here to indict in Step 4. We're here to simply but fully acknowledge what we've done and what was done to us. We're not concerned with blame at this step. We simply seek full knowledge and comprehension.

To get you started, begin with this Yellow Workbook exercise. Below, find the Laundry List. Note the ones you identify with and write how they apply to you.

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1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

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Honesty is the key to all of this.  Be honest with yourself.  Not mean.  Just accurate.

Thanks James...

L.L. 13... in my early recovery I had lots of contact with recovering alcoholics. I grew to love and to trust them... It helped me to believe in what was possible.

Latterly, as I have gotten more deeply into The Solution I reflect that my personality was built up around two drinkers, one of whom was alcoholic.

I learn to embrace some attributes of my parents and to shun others. In order to create this split i have to join the human race. My point of entry is through people like myself...

               ....it does feel like coming home... 

We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

I have a fear of people....not so much authority figures. It has caused me to hardly ever leave my house.

We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

I am one who has to make sure that everyone likes me. If they don't like me, then it's gotta be my fault. I hate being this way.

We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.

I am terribly afraid of criticism. I get instantly defensive. When people are angry, I try to avoid them. I try to avoid confrontation and arguments. 

We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

I did marry an alcoholic and it made me miserable. However, I did pick up a compulsive personality as well... food. Food always has comforted me and never judged me. It doesn't yell at me or treat me bad. Sadly, it has made me a big girl and caused me several health issues. 

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

Funny, I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine the other day. I have always 'picked' the men that seemed to 'need' the help. I picked the alcoholic, I picked the one addicted to weed and porn, I picked the one with emotional problems, anger issues, etc. I have had the opportunity to be with a Navy Captain, a truck driver who was on fire for God and an Executive. Yet, I choose the 'needy' ones. I guess maybe I do this because I feel like I don't 'deserve to be happy. 

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

I most definitely do this....constantly. It's painful to see what a screw up I truly am.

 
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

I rarely stand up for myself because I just don't want to 'hear it' from others. It usually starts an argument and I avoid the confrontation. I then get angry at myself because I didn't stand up for myself and the cycle happens over and over again. 

We became addicted to excitement.

I did when I was younger...as I've gotten older and had time to reflect on things, not so much. 

We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

As I stated above, I always seem to pick the ones who 'need' me...

We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

I have done this..it has gotten so bad that I have lost my sense of humor. I don't feel like I can laugh like I used to and I even moreso do not trust anyone. 

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

I am my own worst critic and I usually make more of things than they really are...people don't think as badly of me as I think they do. I then feel embarrassed by how I felt. 

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

I have severe abandonment issues. I never really thought about it this way, but, I suppose this is why I hang on to the relationships that I have even though they made me miserable and wanted to die. 

Very brave share, IB.

I feel so much guilt when I need to stand up for myself. so I give in to whomever I feel is mire important than me.  I feel like the other person is always more importnant than me.  

1.We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

I am afraid of people, I do not like to be around others, I get bad anxiety, angry, hearts fluttering.  I am also terrified or authority.  Work, I get talked to by anyone higher than me, I burst into tears.  Got into trouble at school, immediate tears.  Someone gets onto me for something, tears.  Goodness. 
2.We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

I definitely relate to this, I will do anything for anyone, no matter what position it puts me in.  I truly feel as though I can not say "NO!".
3.We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.

Yes, I cannot stand when someone is angry, whether it's at me or something else, and I can not stand having any personal criticism, I feel like a failure with anything said.
4.We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

I drink, but I don't truly believe that I am an alcoholic.  I am aware that I could be.  But so far, I do not feel the need to always drink.  I do seem to find destructive relationships though, not quite alcoholics, but issues in a million other ways.
5.We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

I search for people that feel as though they are victims, if they are victims, then I can help them feel better and help them see that life is not that horrid, that you are not a victim.  For myself, I cannot do that quite yet.  I am working on it, making sure that I'm not blaming others aloud, but am still doing so a bit in my head.
6.We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

Like above, I can help others with their problems all day long, my own problems? Nope.
7.We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

I get manipulated and used very easily because of this, I feel like I just cannot say no.
8.We became addicted to excitement.

Excitement? Maybe, I liked trying new things, prided myself on trying new things.  And I allow drama to follow me, and don't even realize it until I'm too far into it.
9.We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

Very much so, as before.
10.We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

Not really that it hurt so much, and not sure that I really stuff them, I just am not able to recognize them what so ever.  I feel like I am constantly feeling every feeling that is possible.
11.We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

Incredibly, I don't think I can do anything right, am deserving of anything or anyone, and my self esteem has never been good.
12.We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

I cannot leave any relationship that I have, unless I have someone that I can go to first.  I haven't been single since I was 14.
13.Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

I get angry, irritable, can't control emotions and feelings, always felt that I could manipulate others, and as well as wanting to help them, I would use them.
14.Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

Yes, I completely react to situations, after reading this, the last three days, I have been able to realize this more and more, and have been able to stop MANY arguments! I now realize that a lot of things can be stopped, just by me thinking and acting instead of reacting.

This is a long one.

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
I have always been afraid of authority figures whether it be police officers, teachers, bosses. I find myself adopting a cautious attitude when they are near like I am doing something wrong. Im sure I would appear suspicious to them. I do isolate myself, I dont like to talk on the phone and I dont go out, I do not participate in growing friendships or keeping them active.

2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
I am an approval seeker and do not seem to be happy unless I receive praise for something. I have completely lost my work ethic in my job because I was the lead on a huge project that launched two years ago and it had an incredibly smooth launch, I didnt hear one single good job. I get annoyed when my boyfriend doesnt like my posts on facebook or give me compliments frequently. I get annoyed when my statuses on Facebook, Message board posts, etc. are ignored. I take it as a direct insult.

3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
Angry people scare me tremendously and I will avoid them like the plague or do what I can to diffuse the situation. I do not like being criticized and my first response to this is to become defensive and make excuses. I am quick to anger when I am being criticized or become manipulative and try to make the person feel guilty for criticizing me.

4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
I have a horrible track record with relationships and have been in relationships with alcoholics and a man that was addicted to porn. My current boyfriend seems to be a step away from this but he is more on the emotionally unavailable side of the spectrum which is not that great either.

5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
I struggle with this one a lot. I consider myself a very strong person who can fight my way out of anything and always have fought my way out of everything. I hate the thought of viewing myself as a victim. I do think that in the past I have felt sorry for myself and blamed others for what was done to me. I do not take responsibility for all of my actions and decisions and understand that everything has happened for a reason. I do have a tendency to by attracted to people that I can rescue and who I see weaknesses in.

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
I believe that this has always been the case for me. I know I am very responsibly and that always comes first for me. Bills and chores always come before everything else. My children have suffered because of this, I am so exhausted after taking care of all of the responsibilities it was too tough to take much time for them. This make it easy for me to avoid looking at my faults as well but I have really been looking at my faults over the past year or so and working to improve them. I took a stress leave from work last year and this is when my self-discovery began. This is also what ultimately led me to ACA.

7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
I have a huge guilt complex. Saying no, setting boundaries for my children and even doing the right thing can cause me tremendous amounts of guilt, especially if someone else is not happy because of it. I can remember feeling lots of guilt when people couldnt find something even when I had nothing to do with it, I always felt like I had something to do with it or that they thought I did.

8. We became addicted to excitement.
I believe that I thrive on Chaos and Drama. I always believed that I hated Chaos and Drama, but if I am truly honest with myself I believe that I will subconsciously create Chaos and Drama when there is none. I also have a tendency to exaggerate the things things that happen that probably arent that big of a deal. Like other drivers on the road following too close behind me and people at work sending a rude email or what I perceive as rude. I also have a tendency to multi-task to avoid boredom and it is difficult for me to just sit and do nothing. I enjoy excitement and always liked to party although I have because a little old for that now, the aftermath is not really worth the fun of the party.

9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
I definitely have a tendency to be drawn to people that I can rescue or help. I feel loved and needed when I am helping someone else and then I have feelings that I am being used and become resentful when I am not given to like I give. I desire to be able to give my all to someone and have them give their all to me in return. I always seem to fall short on this goal.

10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
I have stuffed my feelings and do feel like I have lost the ability to feel and express my feelings. Not always because it hurts too much to have the feelings but sometimes because of fear of rejection or not being accepted for how I feel. I have always been the peacekeeper and would rather get along than work on the issues. I just wish everyone would do the right thing or what I think they should do all the time and by doing that help me keep the peace. I feel like stuffing my feelings in my childhood has caused me to have a horrible memory and find quite often that someone talks to me on Facebook and I have no idea who they are until I ask my friend from high school. I find lots of times I have had people ask me if I remember something that happened and I have no clue what they are talking about.

11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
I judge myself incredibly harshly and my self-esteem is extremely low. I constantly feel like my company is not wanted, like I dont fit in anywhere. I feel like my opinions are not wanted or what I say is not important. All my life I have felt inferior to others and like I am on the outside looking in. I dont understand why everyone else seems so happy and normal and I just cant seem to find that same zen and inner peace. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I want to find peace, happiness and my own zen. I dont trust my own judgement and find myself constantly thinking Well that person thinks its okay so it must be when making decisions.

12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
This is quite true for me to a point. I will put up with things I shouldnt put up with for a long time, I get to a point where I cant take it anymore, I then do something like write a letter to the person so I can accurately express how I feel without being interrupted and so I have time to think about how to word things. Then I expect change, things are usually better for a while and then they go back to the way they were before or something else happens, then we start the cycle over again. I go through this cycle several times and each time a brick is placed in my wall between me and that person. It gets to a point where I just quit trying and that relationship is over. I dont want my relationships to end but it is sometimes easier for me to run and hide and start over than it is to try and fix it any more. This has been the way things have been handled in all of my relationships in the past. I have never felt the fear of abandonment like I have in my current relationship. I believe that this is the first relationship that I have dove into and given everything that I have allowing myself to completely trust. I love this man like I have never loved another and I am terrified of losing him. He can be emotionally unavailable to me, never when we are together, but when we arent together it feels like out of sight out of mind to me. I also believe my not wanting to express my opinions because they may not be the popular opinion is part of my fear of abandonment.

13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
I have taken on the characteristics of alcoholism without being an alcoholic because this is how I was raised and it is the only thing that I know. I dont know how to be normal because I have not been around it.

14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
I am a reactor and not an actor. I dont trust myself to take action and feel more comfortable responding to others actions. I have been working on this over the past year.

Family Secrets Inventory

The family image would be one of strength and integrity.

Inconsistencies:

1.      My mother used to send me grocery shopping with my father so he would come home.  My father would take me to the bar with him, buy me a pop and leave me sitting on a chair in the lobby while he went in to have a few beer with his friends.

2.      My mother told me that one time when she was trying to get my father to take me grocery shopping that my Dad pulled out of the driveway so fast while I was trying to get in the car that he almost ran me over.

3.      I remember people asking where my father was and my mother saying Hes at the office with an eye roll.

4.      I remember my father coming into my room one night and trying to get my best friend out of my bed and to get her to come to bed with him.  My mother was out of town.

5.      I remember my mother leaving me with my father for a week while she went away for an Alanon thing.

6.      I remember seeing my naked brother leaving my bed one morning after he had come home drunk the night before and passed out in my bed.

7.      I remember my father drinking beer and driving all the time.

8.      I remember that I always had to go to the bar to get money from my dad if I wanted to go to the movies or something.  I also remember trying to steal money out of my fathers wallet so I didnt have to do that.

9.      I stole from stores and other people to get things that I wanted and couldnt have.

10.  I remember one time begging to go on a trail-ride on horseback with the boys (my three brothers, my father and their friends) They did not want me to go but they finally allowed me to come along.  They put me on a Shetland pony and didnt let me have a saddle.  By the last day of the ride I had to walk because my butt hurt so much, I also remember not being able to defecate for days and days after that because of the pain.  I remember that instead of having any sympathy sent my way I was told well, you shouldnt have come if you arent tough enough.

11.  I remember always trying to keep up to or prove I was as good as my brothers.

12.  I remember always feeling left out because I was so much younger than they are.

13.  I started drinking, partying and smoking pot at 12 years old.

14.  I remember pooping my pants once when I was about 5 years old because I didnt want to stop hanging out with my friends and go home.

15.  I remember sometimes not having food in the house because my father had spent it all drinking and I remember my mom making milk from powdered milk and potato soup and baking powder biscuits. We never had cool food in the house like KD, frozen pizza, chef boyardi, French fries.

When I was 17 I graduated high school and moved away to go to college, I got so sick (depressed) because I had never been on my own before and couldnt drag myself out of bed.  I ended up getting thrown out of school, getting cut off of my student loan and having no job.  I called my mom and asked if I could come home and was told no.  Apparently she was thinking about leaving my dad at the time, but never did.

Shame inventory

1.      When I was sitting in the lobby waiting for my father to come out of the bar I remember feeling ashamed, lost and alone.  I was scared and hated every time someone would walk by me and the way that they would look at me.

2.      I felt ashamed every time I had to go to the bar to get money from my dad so I could go to the movies or whatever.

3.      When my father came into my room to try and get my friend out of bed to go to his bed I pretended that it didnt happen and when she mentioned it to me I denied it and said she must have dreamt it.  I was incredibly ashamed by this.

4.      When I went on the trail ride with my dad and brothers I felt like I was inferior to them because I was not tough enough to handle it and they were.  Now, I think it was incredibly mean of them to have done that.  I am sure they could have found me a saddle if they had bothered to try.

5.      I was very ashamed every time one of my friends saw my father drunk, for that reason I avoided bringing them around when he was drinking.

Abandonment inventory

1.      I felt abandoned and alone when my father left me in the lobby of the bar while he went in to drink.  I would say this was somewhere between 7 10.

2.      I felt abandoned and alone when my mother went to work for a little while and my aunt used to babysit.  I would say this was somewhere between 7 10. She would not let me in the house and only gave me water to drink.

3.      I felt abandoned and alone on the trail ride when I was about 11 and no one would help me.

4.      I felt abandoned and alone when I was about 10 and my mother went on that Alanon trip and I was left with my father

5.      I felt abandoned and alone when my mother wouldnt let me come home when I crashed and burned at 17.  I also felt ashamed because I wasnt able to make it on my own.

Harms Inventory:  Generational Transfer