8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
One of the most difficult parts of doing this step is that there are people who you have harmed who have also harmed you. You don't want to make amends to them because you "know" you're never getting amends made back to you. But this is not about getting retribution or being nice to people you like. It's about freeing yourself.
Until you own up to the things you did, until you try to make it right, you're frozen. You cannot move forward. You cannot grow. Making amends to people, even people who don't deserve it, allows you to file the things of the past with the past. It allows you to take a step forward.
But before you can make amends, you have to make that mental shift to wanting to. Amends made under duress or less than wholeheartedly do not accomplish their desired aim, which is to let the past go. In this step you give yourself time to make peace with the fact that you're going to clean up your own mess, even if no one is going to clean up after the mess they made in you.
It's okay to forgive the unforgivable, because the forgiveness is for you.
Tasha said
Jun 17, 2014
The Eighth Step is not easy; it demands a new kind of honesty about our relations with other people. The Eighth Step starts the procedure of forgiving others and possibly being forgiven by them, forgiving ourselves, and learning how to live in the world. By the time we reach this step, we have become ready to understand rather than to be understood. We can live and let live easier when we know the areas in which we owe amends. It seems hard now, but once we have done it, we will wonder why we did not do it long ago.
...The final difficulty in working the Eighth Step is separating it from the Ninth Step. Projecting about actually making amends can be a major obstacle both in making the list and in becoming willing. We do this step as if there were no Ninth Step. We do not even think about making the amends but just concentrate on exactly what the Eighth Step says which is to make a list and to become willing. The main thing this step does for us is to help build an awareness that, little by little, we are gaining new attitudes about ourselves and how we deal with other people.
**************
When I was looking at this the first go round - I felt naturally ready and willing. I sat with my sponsor for a few hours and spoke of ways in which I desired to set the past right. It was actually a pleasant 3 hours - we used the time as an outlet for our creativity and enthusiasm.
My sponsor guided me toward a better understanding of the use of the word "WE" instead of "I". Having gotten this far, I felt I rejoined my human family. I wanted to be a part of, and realize my oneness with everyone. I felt the wrongs I did were also wrongs I did to me, as my new understanding of God was that He was expressed within each of us, and we were each just a part of that whole which was God. Dropping the word I, and allowing myself to feel united with my brothers and sisters as one light and love, I realized that to honor others, was to honor myself. To harm others... was harming myself. WE were part of each other ----- and it finally clicked why they called this a We Program.
I began to see only the good inside people, and the acts or behaviors that they did in their dysfunction was no longer AT me, it was just part of a great suffering that We suffered together - but not our true spirit which was love. As it became possible for me to see that eternal goodness sometimes buried in others, it became possible for me to see my own. This allowed me to become entirely ready to go forth and set balance back into the Universe where I had tipped it into the dysfunction, and leave others dysfunction entirely out of it. They didn't ask to be that way any more than I did - and it didn't feel good to live in dysfunctional ways to any of us. I could go forth treating others as I would a sick friend as it speaks of in the literature - and hold nothing against them or in OUR way toward love. I knew full well, the results would be up to the Universe, but that I would do my part with love for us all.
-- Edited by Tasha on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 01:55:43 PM
DavidG said
Jun 20, 2014
Step 8a. I made a list of the people who had harmed me and vowed to get even.
I am not seriously saying everyone should do it this way. I used "I" instead of 'we'.
I was livid with rage. Anger build upon anger. My whole being was fried up because of this. I would not function.
Today, sometimes this still flares up and I can apply Step 11. Maybe if i needed to I could apply step one.
Learning about blame and shame helped me a lot. I did not have to be a bimbo, or a pansy and go around saying sorry top everyone about every thing.
But there was, in the heart of the step things I did need to fix. And some things i still need to fix, on a daily basis...
I remember trying to do this step in AA with little knowledge of ACA and was still in shame guilt and remorse and blaming my mom for all the crap I was in. How could it not be her fault, I really struggled with that, now I have been through therapy ACA work I accept I am responsible for my recovery, abandonment , fear worthlessness all make me point the finger. Reparenting, learning to self-care, I can approach the list with understanding of 'forgive them for they know not what they do' just like me, I am ready and willing to make a list without hating myself or anyone on the list. Thanks Tony A and all those who developed this model of recovery for ACAs
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
One of the most difficult parts of doing this step is that there are people who you have harmed who have also harmed you. You don't want to make amends to them because you "know" you're never getting amends made back to you. But this is not about getting retribution or being nice to people you like. It's about freeing yourself.
Until you own up to the things you did, until you try to make it right, you're frozen. You cannot move forward. You cannot grow. Making amends to people, even people who don't deserve it, allows you to file the things of the past with the past. It allows you to take a step forward.
But before you can make amends, you have to make that mental shift to wanting to. Amends made under duress or less than wholeheartedly do not accomplish their desired aim, which is to let the past go. In this step you give yourself time to make peace with the fact that you're going to clean up your own mess, even if no one is going to clean up after the mess they made in you.
It's okay to forgive the unforgivable, because the forgiveness is for you.
The Eighth Step is not easy; it demands a new kind of honesty about our relations with other people. The Eighth Step starts the procedure of forgiving others and possibly being forgiven by them, forgiving ourselves, and learning how to live in the world. By the time we reach this step, we have become ready to understand rather than to be understood. We can live and let live easier when we know the areas in which we owe amends. It seems hard now, but once we have done it, we will wonder why we did not do it long ago.
...The final difficulty in working the Eighth Step is separating it from the Ninth Step. Projecting about actually making amends can be a major obstacle both in making the list and in becoming willing. We do this step as if there were no Ninth Step. We do not even think about making the amends but just concentrate on exactly what the Eighth Step says which is to make a list and to become willing. The main thing this step does for us is to help build an awareness that, little by little, we are gaining new attitudes about ourselves and how we deal with other people.
**************
When I was looking at this the first go round - I felt naturally ready and willing. I sat with my sponsor for a few hours and spoke of ways in which I desired to set the past right. It was actually a pleasant 3 hours - we used the time as an outlet for our creativity and enthusiasm.
My sponsor guided me toward a better understanding of the use of the word "WE" instead of "I". Having gotten this far, I felt I rejoined my human family. I wanted to be a part of, and realize my oneness with everyone. I felt the wrongs I did were also wrongs I did to me, as my new understanding of God was that He was expressed within each of us, and we were each just a part of that whole which was God. Dropping the word I, and allowing myself to feel united with my brothers and sisters as one light and love, I realized that to honor others, was to honor myself. To harm others... was harming myself. WE were part of each other ----- and it finally clicked why they called this a We Program.
I began to see only the good inside people, and the acts or behaviors that they did in their dysfunction was no longer AT me, it was just part of a great suffering that We suffered together - but not our true spirit which was love. As it became possible for me to see that eternal goodness sometimes buried in others, it became possible for me to see my own. This allowed me to become entirely ready to go forth and set balance back into the Universe where I had tipped it into the dysfunction, and leave others dysfunction entirely out of it. They didn't ask to be that way any more than I did - and it didn't feel good to live in dysfunctional ways to any of us. I could go forth treating others as I would a sick friend as it speaks of in the literature - and hold nothing against them or in OUR way toward love. I knew full well, the results would be up to the Universe, but that I would do my part with love for us all.
-- Edited by Tasha on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 01:55:43 PM
Step 8a. I made a list of the people who had harmed me and vowed to get even.
I was livid with rage. Anger build upon anger. My whole being was fried up because of this. I would not function.
Today, sometimes this still flares up and I can apply Step 11. Maybe if i needed to I could apply step one.
Learning about blame and shame helped me a lot. I did not have to be a bimbo, or a pansy and go around saying sorry top everyone about every thing.
But there was, in the heart of the step things I did need to fix. And some things i still need to fix, on a daily basis...
...thanks James, and Tash...
,,,
I remember trying to do this step in AA with little knowledge of ACA and was still in shame guilt and remorse and blaming my mom for all the crap I was in. How could it not be her fault, I really struggled with that, now I have been through therapy ACA work I accept I am responsible for my recovery, abandonment , fear worthlessness all make me point the finger. Reparenting, learning to self-care, I can approach the list with understanding of 'forgive them for they know not what they do' just like me, I am ready and willing to make a list without hating myself or anyone on the list. Thanks Tony A and all those who developed this model of recovery for ACAs