Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong
Paths to Recovery page 53
Step five requires honesty with ourselves and others. Our first task is to admit the exact nature of our wrongs to our HP. Having worked step 1,2 and three you have an acceptance of our higher power as loving and compassionate and non judgmental. By the time we reach step five we have acquired some degree of trust, we listened to others share openly and with courage.The person we want to confide in need to be chosen with care. Remember the person you are looking for is not that someone who will tell us how to handle a problem but for a loving witness who can provide perspective on a spiritual journey. One who can appreciate what youre doing and how we have grown and appreciate the honesty to face the past and by sharing our past. The commitment to continue to grow and change is also important to explore not only the list of events but also the exact nature of them. Without excusing our behavior, we look at our defenses and negative tools and motives so that we can understand ourselves and our relations with others.
My Share
I have worked several step fives in my many years in Al-Anon. Each time I do so I am always struck by the first word, Admitted. That word reveals that by working the Fourth Step I can clearly see my actions in a detached manner. By examining my motives , and analyzing my attitudes the exact nature of my wrongs surfaces. At first only the blatant wrongs surfaced but as I repeated this step over and over the very subtle deeply hidden ones also were revealed. I must always caution myself to keep an open mind. That by searching diligently within and working this step I am freeing myself from destructive negative tools that I developed many years ago.
My first step five was very difficult.Today being honest about who I am and by practicing humanity it is not difficult to own who I am once I have uncovered the truth. I have heard that Al-Anon is not a self improvement program but a self acceptance program and I have found this to be true. This Is the step set me free to appreciate my humanity with my quirks and all.. I urge you to begin this step and trust the process
Step five questions
Am I willing to let my expectations go and allow the God of my understanding to determine the best results for me?
Am I afraid to admit my faults?
Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
Could I make a list of my fears in turn them over? One of my fears?
How does my desire to perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally?
What is a one day I dont want to tell another person? Can I start their?
DavidG said
Oct 12, 2014
Oh yes,,, self -acceptance is a really good choice of words. Some people might call this the 'self-help' industry, which is a good starter. Lately I have been thinking about self care.
Things have been getting a lot better for me lately. Memories are surfacing. I can remember my first kiss. And that it not counting the times I kissed my grandma! ...Where that first kiss led me, and what it taught me.
I lot of the bad stuff in my world and in my life has been slowly dissolving away...the thoughts and ideas I was having that I would rather not be having... ... I won't cover them all here, of course.
I seldom cuss, or swear. I reserved that when I actually felt like harming someone. A cuss was going to let off some anger, without leaving a permanent mark. I am hoping that some time soon I will not even have to contemplate that!
I try to keep good company here in actual reality- the same as virtual reality... one seems to feed the other...
...sometimes I wish there was a step completely devoted to gratitude... I would aim for that...
Thanks Betty...
hotrod said
Oct 12, 2014
Thanks again David for your honesty and dedication to the Steps and recovery.
It is a gift to walk this journey with you.
cloudskies said
Oct 24, 2014
Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong
Acceptance of myself when I make mistakes-- Before Al-Anon, I would have choked on these words. I am learning that perfectionism is like a great weight pulling me down. Perfectionism has no room for failures and no room for improvements. Al-Anon is teaching me that I am human and a work in progress. I will make mistakes because this is how I am designed. ONLY my HP is perfect. I am finding freedom in admitting to God when I make mistakes. Admittance is humbling and human. I am learning how to open up to others when I mess up. Before Al-Anon I would have carried by mistakes bottled up inside me forever. I'm learning the feeling of freedom when I talk to others about my wrongs. Slow and steady, slowly but surely, I feel a new me emerging, and I am learning that I like the new me.
I am learning to only place expectations on myself. It's not my place to have expectations of other people. That's between them and their HP.
progress not perfection
It works if you work it.
hotrod said
Oct 24, 2014
Hi Linda Thanks for your share . Your dedication to working the steps and your clarity helps me to keep on keepiing on. :0
Betty
el-cee said
Dec 7, 2014
I am becoming more willing to let my expectations go, when things do t work out as planned I seem to be able to just shrug it off now whereas before I think self pity came in, the why mes and it never works out for me, you know all that kind of thing. In fact, it happened to me last week, I had made plans and they just never worked out, I was a bit disappointed but I ended up having a wee laugh because I thought well, there is more going on in life that I cant see so its a reminder that it wont always go my way and thats ok, I dont have to look for someone to blame so much anymore and I dont beat myself up either as much so this is a good lesson for me, life is much nicer.
There are faults or past wrong doings that im ashamed of and I cant share yet, im getting closer as im doing a step 4 again with another person who is not my sponsor and its a bit easier. Im noticing that the realisations have no ceiling, they do keep coming and maybe always will. Im getting better at accepting them I think. They are the subtle ones, and when I feel I have uncovered one and work through it until I accept it then often I can get a bit self rightous about it. Its about keeping myself grounded and not getting carried away and feeding my ego with my program.
I can see im not perfect, I sooo want to be but im trying to let that unrealistic expectation go, im not great at it, its not easy this one for me. I use perfectionism as a weapon against myself and I think this is an important shortcoming that brings my self esteem downwards. Im more mindful of this one now and I tell myself things like, im only human, its ok to make mistakes, im good enough, what I do is good enough, I work my program good enough. This is my biggest hurdle.
My list of fears are based on my symptoms, they are old fears that resurface, not really new ones as much anymore. My fears are alcohol based, I fear for my son and I worry how far his drinking will take him, its took so much already his whole life, being born into it and throuhout. I fear the impact his drinking will have on me, not sure thats wrong or not, I fear I wont cooe and my life will be turned upsude down again. I turn it over by saying im powerless, it might not happen, whatever does happen it will be for the best in the long run even if I cant see it and I will learn valuable lessons for any difficulties that come my way.
My perfectionism does block love because I dont feel worthy of love, my self love and care stops because I dont feel I am good enough. Unrealistic goals set me up for failure and then I beat myself up, my self esteem goes down and I get suspicious of others in my life. Its like well im not worthy so they must have an ulterior motive for being in my life. Ive became aware of this and this has been a big problem my whole life. Its a vicious cycle and its non stop. Ive got faith that it will ease as I become more aware and accepting of this and then the actiins will come when im ready. Im learning I cant force progress just because I want it.
A one day I dont want to tell another person about is the day I lost my son to a downward spiral. He was about 13 or 14 and I just lost control and didnt know how to do the right thing and I stopped doing the right thing and so the wrong things kept happening. it was like I joined in with him so we were both lost and in deep. im ashamed of that time in my life. I didnt give him what he needed and what he needed was simple but I couldnt see that and I did the exact opposite of the right thing. It did lead me to alanon eventually and im trying to make amends through changing me and being better in lots of ways.
Thank you for reading hotrod and thanks for your share.x
hotrod said
Dec 7, 2014
Dear LC Thank you for your powerfully, honest share. I have learned not to beat myself up for doing what I did as I simply did the best with the information that I had at the time.
I am so glad you have found the courage to go inward and route out the residual negative pain from the past. This program is an inside job and you are so worth it.
Step Five
Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong
Paths to Recovery page 53
Step five requires honesty with ourselves and others. Our first task is to admit the exact nature of our wrongs to our HP. Having worked step 1,2 and three you have an acceptance of our higher power as loving and compassionate and non judgmental. By the time we reach step five we have acquired some degree of trust, we listened to others share openly and with courage.The person we want to confide in need to be chosen with care. Remember the person you are looking for is not that someone who will tell us how to handle a problem but for a loving witness who can provide perspective on a spiritual journey. One who can appreciate what youre doing and how we have grown and appreciate the honesty to face the past and by sharing our past. The commitment to continue to grow and change is also important to explore not only the list of events but also the exact nature of them. Without excusing our behavior, we look at our defenses and negative tools and motives so that we can understand ourselves and our relations with others.
My Share
I have worked several step fives in my many years in Al-Anon. Each time I do so I am always struck by the first word, Admitted. That word reveals that by working the Fourth Step I can clearly see my actions in a detached manner. By examining my motives , and analyzing my attitudes the exact nature of my wrongs surfaces. At first only the blatant wrongs surfaced but as I repeated this step over and over the very subtle deeply hidden ones also were revealed. I must always caution myself to keep an open mind. That by searching diligently within and working this step I am freeing myself from destructive negative tools that I developed many years ago.
My first step five was very difficult.Today being honest about who I am and by practicing humanity it is not difficult to own who I am once I have uncovered the truth. I have heard that Al-Anon is not a self improvement program but a self acceptance program and I have found this to be true. This Is the step set me free to appreciate my humanity with my quirks and all.. I urge you to begin this step and trust the process
Step five questions
Am I willing to let my expectations go and allow the God of my understanding to determine the best results for me?
Am I afraid to admit my faults?
Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?
Could I make a list of my fears in turn them over? One of my fears?
How does my desire to perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally?
What is a one day I dont want to tell another person? Can I start their?
Oh yes,,, self -acceptance is a really good choice of words. Some people might call this the 'self-help' industry, which is a good starter. Lately I have been thinking about self care.
Things have been getting a lot better for me lately. Memories are surfacing. I can remember my first kiss. And that it not counting the times I kissed my grandma! ...Where that first kiss led me, and what it taught me.
I lot of the bad stuff in my world and in my life has been slowly dissolving away...the thoughts and ideas I was having that I would rather not be having... ... I won't cover them all here, of course.
I seldom cuss, or swear. I reserved that when I actually felt like harming someone. A cuss was going to let off some anger, without leaving a permanent mark. I am hoping that some time soon I will not even have to contemplate that!
I try to keep good company here in actual reality- the same as virtual reality... one seems to feed the other...
...sometimes I wish there was a step completely devoted to gratitude... I would aim for that...
It is a gift to walk this journey with you.
Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong
Acceptance of myself when I make mistakes-- Before Al-Anon, I would have choked on these words. I am learning that perfectionism is like a great weight pulling me down. Perfectionism has no room for failures and no room for improvements. Al-Anon is teaching me that I am human and a work in progress. I will make mistakes because this is how I am designed. ONLY my HP is perfect. I am finding freedom in admitting to God when I make mistakes. Admittance is humbling and human. I am learning how to open up to others when I mess up. Before Al-Anon I would have carried by mistakes bottled up inside me forever. I'm learning the feeling of freedom when I talk to others about my wrongs. Slow and steady, slowly but surely, I feel a new me emerging, and I am learning that I like the new me.
I am learning to only place expectations on myself. It's not my place to have expectations of other people. That's between them and their HP.
progress not perfection
It works if you work it.
Betty
I am becoming more willing to let my expectations go, when things do t work out as planned I seem to be able to just shrug it off now whereas before I think self pity came in, the why mes and it never works out for me, you know all that kind of thing. In fact, it happened to me last week, I had made plans and they just never worked out, I was a bit disappointed but I ended up having a wee laugh because I thought well, there is more going on in life that I cant see so its a reminder that it wont always go my way and thats ok, I dont have to look for someone to blame so much anymore and I dont beat myself up either as much so this is a good lesson for me, life is much nicer.
There are faults or past wrong doings that im ashamed of and I cant share yet, im getting closer as im doing a step 4 again with another person who is not my sponsor and its a bit easier. Im noticing that the realisations have no ceiling, they do keep coming and maybe always will. Im getting better at accepting them I think. They are the subtle ones, and when I feel I have uncovered one and work through it until I accept it then often I can get a bit self rightous about it. Its about keeping myself grounded and not getting carried away and feeding my ego with my program.
I can see im not perfect, I sooo want to be but im trying to let that unrealistic expectation go, im not great at it, its not easy this one for me. I use perfectionism as a weapon against myself and I think this is an important shortcoming that brings my self esteem downwards. Im more mindful of this one now and I tell myself things like, im only human, its ok to make mistakes, im good enough, what I do is good enough, I work my program good enough. This is my biggest hurdle.
My list of fears are based on my symptoms, they are old fears that resurface, not really new ones as much anymore. My fears are alcohol based, I fear for my son and I worry how far his drinking will take him, its took so much already his whole life, being born into it and throuhout. I fear the impact his drinking will have on me, not sure thats wrong or not, I fear I wont cooe and my life will be turned upsude down again. I turn it over by saying im powerless, it might not happen, whatever does happen it will be for the best in the long run even if I cant see it and I will learn valuable lessons for any difficulties that come my way.
My perfectionism does block love because I dont feel worthy of love, my self love and care stops because I dont feel I am good enough. Unrealistic goals set me up for failure and then I beat myself up, my self esteem goes down and I get suspicious of others in my life. Its like well im not worthy so they must have an ulterior motive for being in my life. Ive became aware of this and this has been a big problem my whole life. Its a vicious cycle and its non stop. Ive got faith that it will ease as I become more aware and accepting of this and then the actiins will come when im ready. Im learning I cant force progress just because I want it.
A one day I dont want to tell another person about is the day I lost my son to a downward spiral. He was about 13 or 14 and I just lost control and didnt know how to do the right thing and I stopped doing the right thing and so the wrong things kept happening. it was like I joined in with him so we were both lost and in deep. im ashamed of that time in my life. I didnt give him what he needed and what he needed was simple but I couldnt see that and I did the exact opposite of the right thing. It did lead me to alanon eventually and im trying to make amends through changing me and being better in lots of ways.
Thank you for reading hotrod and thanks for your share.x
I am so glad you have found the courage to go inward and route out the residual negative pain from the past. This program is an inside job and you are so worth it.