Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Paths to recovery page 81
In step eight we are given a new task and directions for approaching the recovery work needed. The specific assignment is to make a list of persons we had harmed. The second part challenges us to become willing to make amends. It wasn't easy to figure out whom we had harmed or exactly what we had done. How do we make a list? One member shared that she made the following List:
First column--- person harmed , next column--- their relationship to me ,next column- my harmful act---last column and the reason for my amends.
My sponsor my sponsor suggested that I place my name at the top of my step eight list and proceed for a time to make amends to myself. The reason I owed amends to myself was because of the negative tools that I had embraced while living with the disease of alcoholism. I had made my wants and needs invisible I had denied my reality and pretended all was well , I had neglected to take care of me and had projected my needs and wants and others. By so doing I had lost the ability to see myself honestly and to take care of myself in a healthy fashion. My owning this reality I was able to make amends to myself by attending Al-Anon meetings, sharing with the sponsor. After I had completed this work for six months or so I was ready to make my list because I can honestly see how I had harmed others so that I could clear the wreckage of the past. In looking at my past actions in step four I realized that I held others hurt others by doing for them what they could do for themselves and not supporting their dreams and instead being negative towards them and their efforts. I also gossiped, criticized and judged others and the gated their efforts my sarcasm. In making the list of persons I had harmed the most important thing I had to learn to do was to eliminate justification for my actions or blaming anyone else.
step eight questions
have I resisted making a list? If so why?
How willing might you be to be completely honest?
Have I included myself on the list?
What people on my list am I willing to contact first?
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step?
Wolfie55 said
Nov 24, 2014
I couldn't resist. I have a funny story about this step. Once, when I was going over step eight with a guy I sponsor, I said you should already have most of that list. You would have made it when you did your inventory. He said uh-oh. I gave him one of those what-did-you-do-now looks that sponsors are fond of. He said I heard this guy say in a meeting that when he did his fifth step, he burned his fourth. I said you didn't burn your fourth step did you. Oh no he said. Whew I thought, hate to have to do that again. He said i buried it under a tree in North Carolina. We live in Canada. So we had to do his inventory steps again. The moral of my story is that although we may hear lots of cool and great things in meetings, if you're going to do something like that, check with your sponsor first.
Having said that, when I made my amends list there were three types of amends. The Right-Aways. The Maybes. and the No Not Evers. Theoretically, by the time you are halfway through your actual amends in Step Nine, some of the maybes have slipped over into the Right aways and some of the No Not Evers have slipped into the maybes and so on. It's a process. the right aways were the people closest to me, the ones who knew about the harm I had done them. the maybes were the ones I knew I had harmed but they would be difficult to approach because they might not be aware of the harm or extent of harm I had done them. And the No Not Evers were people I had decided had harmed me more than I had harmed them anyway and they did not deserve amends.
It's in these two steps where we learn about forgiveness. I did not put my name on the list. I determined that it would be by forgiving others that I myself would be forgiven as it says in the Our Father, but I was only thinking about being forgiven by god and by others because isn't that what "to forgive" is all about. To give for. To want God to grant others what I wanted for myself, to be free from blame. To be able to look people in the eye. I had forgotten that I needed to forgive myself. So my name slipped first into the No Not evers, then into the maybes and I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd just put it on the list to start with. Well that's all I got.
hotrod said
Nov 24, 2014
Nice share Bernie Being a sponsor is certainly filled with surprises and inspirations.:)
Interesting Step- First we make the list and then we slowly become willing to make amends No jumping into this step It is a process.
Glad you are back and sharing your ESH.
cloudskies said
Dec 3, 2014
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
I'm working on this one. I do have myself at the top of the list, because over the years, I feel I have hurt myself most. Al-Anon has provided me with a curtain so that I can look back and see the way I was. I can see the anger, resentment, worry, rage and the sleepless nights that I put myself through, and I am sorry for me. I'm sorry I put me through this. I'm sorry I shorted myself on life and living, and I'm sorry I hurt family members with my anger and lashing out.
I miss my Dad so much right now. He passed away almost 8 years ago. I visited his grave during Thanksgiving and told him I was sorry. He loved going to our local high school football games. This is something he and I did together, and I didn't take him to some of the home games because I was too consumed by my ah. I wish I had Al-Anon back then. I think he would be proud of me now.
The person at the bottom of my list is my ah. I've asked myself why I put him at the bottom of my list. I know so much of my actions fueled his need to drink, but...(see this is where I'm acknowledging my weakness and sickness, but I want to find justification.)
I'm finding I still have resentments. I heard an AA speaker say once that a sincere apology does not have a "but."
Right now I know if I tried to apologize and make amends to my ah, my apology would have a but. It would not be sincere. I also feel my HP is guiding me in this direction. Somewhere inside me I hear or feel something that says if I apologize sincerely, a huge dam between ah and me would break. So, I'm asking myself is it my pride that is holding me back? Is it my unwillingness to admit to him that I have made huge mistakes too? To me this sounds like some of my character defects, so maybe I need to go back to step 7. I just need to continue asking God for guidance.
Working on this list has shown me how powerful resentments are and how they can slip back into our lives even when we think we have put them all to rest.
hotrod said
Dec 3, 2014
Linda love your reflections and honesty around this Step. Remember that all that is asked for here is to make a list. Many make 3 lists- some they are willing to make amends to, some maybe, and some never. That is good enough for now.
I have found that in many of my amends I never had to say "sorry" I just had to change my attitude toward the person, stop judging and blaming and then a form of amend opened up, like validating myself and my new awareness and recovery.
You are doing well. Thanks for sharing the journey.
Step 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Paths to recovery page 81
In step eight we are given a new task and directions for approaching the recovery work needed. The specific assignment is to make a list of persons we had harmed. The second part challenges us to become willing to make amends. It wasn't easy to figure out whom we had harmed or exactly what we had done. How do we make a list? One member shared that she made the following List:
First column--- person harmed , next column--- their relationship to me ,next column- my harmful act---last column and the reason for my amends.
My sponsor my sponsor suggested that I place my name at the top of my step eight list and proceed for a time to make amends to myself. The reason I owed amends to myself was because of the negative tools that I had embraced while living with the disease of alcoholism. I had made my wants and needs invisible I had denied my reality and pretended all was well , I had neglected to take care of me and had projected my needs and wants and others. By so doing I had lost the ability to see myself honestly and to take care of myself in a healthy fashion. My owning this reality I was able to make amends to myself by attending Al-Anon meetings, sharing with the sponsor. After I had completed this work for six months or so I was ready to make my list because I can honestly see how I had harmed others so that I could clear the wreckage of the past. In looking at my past actions in step four I realized that I held others hurt others by doing for them what they could do for themselves and not supporting their dreams and instead being negative towards them and their efforts. I also gossiped, criticized and judged others and the gated their efforts my sarcasm. In making the list of persons I had harmed the most important thing I had to learn to do was to eliminate justification for my actions or blaming anyone else.
step eight questions
have I resisted making a list? If so why?
How willing might you be to be completely honest?
Have I included myself on the list?
What people on my list am I willing to contact first?
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step?
I couldn't resist. I have a funny story about this step. Once, when I was going over step eight with a guy I sponsor, I said you should already have most of that list. You would have made it when you did your inventory. He said uh-oh. I gave him one of those what-did-you-do-now looks that sponsors are fond of. He said I heard this guy say in a meeting that when he did his fifth step, he burned his fourth. I said you didn't burn your fourth step did you. Oh no he said. Whew I thought, hate to have to do that again. He said i buried it under a tree in North Carolina. We live in Canada. So we had to do his inventory steps again. The moral of my story is that although we may hear lots of cool and great things in meetings, if you're going to do something like that, check with your sponsor first.
Having said that, when I made my amends list there were three types of amends. The Right-Aways. The Maybes. and the No Not Evers. Theoretically, by the time you are halfway through your actual amends in Step Nine, some of the maybes have slipped over into the Right aways and some of the No Not Evers have slipped into the maybes and so on. It's a process. the right aways were the people closest to me, the ones who knew about the harm I had done them. the maybes were the ones I knew I had harmed but they would be difficult to approach because they might not be aware of the harm or extent of harm I had done them. And the No Not Evers were people I had decided had harmed me more than I had harmed them anyway and they did not deserve amends.
It's in these two steps where we learn about forgiveness. I did not put my name on the list. I determined that it would be by forgiving others that I myself would be forgiven as it says in the Our Father, but I was only thinking about being forgiven by god and by others because isn't that what "to forgive" is all about. To give for. To want God to grant others what I wanted for myself, to be free from blame. To be able to look people in the eye. I had forgotten that I needed to forgive myself. So my name slipped first into the No Not evers, then into the maybes and I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd just put it on the list to start with. Well that's all I got.
Interesting Step- First we make the list and then we slowly become willing to make amends No jumping into this step It is a process.
Glad you are back and sharing your ESH.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
I'm working on this one. I do have myself at the top of the list, because over the years, I feel I have hurt myself most. Al-Anon has provided me with a curtain so that I can look back and see the way I was. I can see the anger, resentment, worry, rage and the sleepless nights that I put myself through, and I am sorry for me. I'm sorry I put me through this. I'm sorry I shorted myself on life and living, and I'm sorry I hurt family members with my anger and lashing out.
I miss my Dad so much right now. He passed away almost 8 years ago. I visited his grave during Thanksgiving and told him I was sorry. He loved going to our local high school football games. This is something he and I did together, and I didn't take him to some of the home games because I was too consumed by my ah. I wish I had Al-Anon back then. I think he would be proud of me now.
The person at the bottom of my list is my ah. I've asked myself why I put him at the bottom of my list. I know so much of my actions fueled his need to drink, but...(see this is where I'm acknowledging my weakness and sickness, but I want to find justification.)
I'm finding I still have resentments. I heard an AA speaker say once that a sincere apology does not have a "but."
Right now I know if I tried to apologize and make amends to my ah, my apology would have a but. It would not be sincere. I also feel my HP is guiding me in this direction. Somewhere inside me I hear or feel something that says if I apologize sincerely, a huge dam between ah and me would break. So, I'm asking myself is it my pride that is holding me back? Is it my unwillingness to admit to him that I have made huge mistakes too? To me this sounds like some of my character defects, so maybe I need to go back to step 7. I just need to continue asking God for guidance.
Working on this list has shown me how powerful resentments are and how they can slip back into our lives even when we think we have put them all to rest.
I have found that in many of my amends I never had to say "sorry" I just had to change my attitude toward the person, stop judging and blaming and then a form of amend opened up, like validating myself and my new awareness and recovery.
You are doing well. Thanks for sharing the journey.