Made direct amends to such people whenever possible accept when to do so would injure them or others.
Paths to recovery page 90
Step Nine is an action step. It calls for direct amends except when to do so might cause further injury. We want to be careful that we are not trying to achieve our personal serenity at the expense of someone else. You must review our motives for making the amends
We cannot undo our tasks and we cannot expect those we approach to respond positively but we can admit our part and do what is possible to mitigate the consequences of our errors. When all the persons harmed are listed, the task of making amends may seem overwhelming. To make it approachable, we approach one person at a time It is not enough to just say Im sorry. We must indicate our part in the situation and our willingness to accept responsibility.
My Share
Today, unlike when I first arrived at program , I find this step extremely liberating and so necessary. It is here that I , stop blaming others for my unhappiness, owned my part in any disagreement or misunderstanding and become willing to let go of my anger, self pity, and resentment. I work a 10th Step each day so that I do not have to perform a major life review in Step 9 too often At the end of each year, I do like to review the entire year. The plusses and minuses so that when I find any issue that needs attention I must work on it diligently so as to make the amends before the end of the year, This step helps me to be free of ancient hurts and pain,, It is a gift I give myself so as to set myself free. I urge you to embark on the task
Step nine questions
Can I write an amend letter to myself?
Am I willing to pray to become willing to make amends?
Who on my amend list will never be available for direct amends?
Because of death etc
Can I make amends in another way?
Can I do something for another person must?
One how have I done to my children or family?
Can I make some amends by respecting them now as adults?
What amends in my putting off? Why?
When I finish this action step, what can I do to celebrate?
Can I remember to appreciate and reward others for their good deeds?
Jerry F said
Dec 7, 2014
Aloha Betty and this was a major step for me also. Prior to Al-Anon and the steps as a new atmosphere and way of behaving forgiveness wasn't something I did often or freely because I believed that forgiving others would make me vulnerable again as it did in my family of origin and my life in the disease before I found the program. When I was ready to do step 9 I did a lot of searching about myself and others and other situations and did a study on the different between apology and amends. For me they were very different and I cam to understand that if I didn't learn how to amend my life I would forever be making apologies most of which would be false and dishonest without intention to change and only be patronizing.
The work I did with my sponsor on compassion and empathy helped me to understand how "they" felt as a reaction to what I did and how to feel what they must have felt as a result. Often times the only difference between them and I was age and gender so I knew how they must have felt. I also came to understand that many of them must have felt shame and guilt because they were left with the feelings and thoughts that they had caused what happened that caused me to act the way I did. Amends came then in releasing them from the guilt and shame as I took responsibility. Understanding that I often left others feeling responsible for what happened was also what I felt living in the trauma and drama of alcoholism and addiction.
Its not only okay, it is also giving mercy and margin to those I left feeling responsible for what I did.
There were and are people I cannot and will not be able to make apology to and this doesn't interfere with making the amends. Making the amends is like telling my HP that I am available again, useful again to be an instrument.
Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Dec 7, 2014
Dear Jerry Thank you for your insightful and enlightening share. I truly appreciate your sharing your thoughts on this step. :)
Debb said
Dec 7, 2014
I believe that my amends began within myself, and on a daily basis radiates to whoever I interact with. When I changed the way I looked at a troublesome situation, and saw the predicament(s) from another's perspective, I not only eased the stress on myself but I allowed other's the space they needed to reconcile. My biggest problem has been that I have reacted to quickly to difficulties or confrontations and regretted the outcome! I would react to quickly due to the fear of rejection and blame, which was, I believe a real problem until I realized, through Al-Anon, that the disease was not my fault! The old adage rings true, "Don't judge by path if you have not walked my journey", is a very important thought process that I carry with me always when interacting with family, friends, co-workers and strangers.
hotrod said
Dec 7, 2014
Hello Deb I agree it is important to change our inner attitudes towards people so as to stop the negative judgments of them and to allow each person to live and let live.
l found it just as important to learn to stop reacting and to respond in all situations after weighing all the issues in a positive manner.
hopeful777 said
Dec 9, 2014
Thank you for sharing, I too react too much, I have been the opposite as the bible says, slow to speak and quick to hear. I feel like my life has been at times one long reaction. Also that in my Family of Origin, it is encouraged and anticipated. I am working it each day, sometimes feels like a brutal reality.
hotrod said
Dec 9, 2014
Dear Hopeful Love your honesty and reflections. I too only "reacted" all the time and really thought I was terrific,bright and in charge. :(
Alanon taught me that reacting gives the other power and my best action is to pause, process what is going on and then "RESPOND" That was truly a powerful gift.
You are on your way. Progress not perfection is a true git as well.
kelknickle said
Sep 7, 2015
Hi, I am new to this forum.
I wanted to write my experience with Step Nine as we are discussing it in our group. In a way Step Nine to me is a forgiveness step. Making amends - Step 8 has me making a list of all persons we had harmed and in Step Nine I can to action and make my amends. Not so easy a Step because it makes me feel vulnerable to be hurt again as it did time and time again growing up in an alcoholic home. I often let go of something my mother had said or forgave her for her slips but then have her attack me over and over again during my life living at home. I brought those fears & doubts into my first marriage and didn't learn anything. Even after our separation, he continued to hurt me - I rephrase that - I allowed him to hurt me time and time again. That was all I knew. After Al-Anon, I found out I had a choice. How freeing was that???!!! I could take on those action or words or I could choose not to let it affect me. Sure it would hurt but I could choose how it affected me. It was very freeing to know I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior - All I need to do is choose not to take it on. I am so grateful for those choices.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE.
kelknickle (Kelly)
hotrod said
Sep 7, 2015
Thanks for sharing Kelly-- I agree Step 9 is not an easy one. I found , as you did. it is really necessary to my peace of mind and recovery Thanks for being here and connecting.
Step nine
Made direct amends to such people whenever possible accept when to do so would injure them or others.
Paths to recovery page 90
Step Nine is an action step. It calls for direct amends except when to do so might cause further injury. We want to be careful that we are not trying to achieve our personal serenity at the expense of someone else. You must review our motives for making the amends
We cannot undo our tasks and we cannot expect those we approach to respond positively but we can admit our part and do what is possible to mitigate the consequences of our errors. When all the persons harmed are listed, the task of making amends may seem overwhelming. To make it approachable, we approach one person at a time It is not enough to just say Im sorry. We must indicate our part in the situation and our willingness to accept responsibility.
My Share
Today, unlike when I first arrived at program , I find this step extremely liberating and so necessary. It is here that I , stop blaming others for my unhappiness, owned my part in any disagreement or misunderstanding and become willing to let go of my anger, self pity, and resentment. I work a 10th Step each day so that I do not have to perform a major life review in Step 9 too often At the end of each year, I do like to review the entire year. The plusses and minuses so that when I find any issue that needs attention I must work on it diligently so as to make the amends before the end of the year, This step helps me to be free of ancient hurts and pain,, It is a gift I give myself so as to set myself free. I urge you to embark on the task
Step nine questions
Can I write an amend letter to myself?
Am I willing to pray to become willing to make amends?
Who on my amend list will never be available for direct amends?
Because of death etc
Can I make amends in another way?
Can I do something for another person must?
One how have I done to my children or family?
Can I make some amends by respecting them now as adults?
What amends in my putting off? Why?
When I finish this action step, what can I do to celebrate?
Can I remember to appreciate and reward others for their good deeds?
Aloha Betty and this was a major step for me also. Prior to Al-Anon and the steps as a new atmosphere and way of behaving forgiveness wasn't something I did often or freely because I believed that forgiving others would make me vulnerable again as it did in my family of origin and my life in the disease before I found the program. When I was ready to do step 9 I did a lot of searching about myself and others and other situations and did a study on the different between apology and amends. For me they were very different and I cam to understand that if I didn't learn how to amend my life I would forever be making apologies most of which would be false and dishonest without intention to change and only be patronizing.
The work I did with my sponsor on compassion and empathy helped me to understand how "they" felt as a reaction to what I did and how to feel what they must have felt as a result. Often times the only difference between them and I was age and gender so I knew how they must have felt. I also came to understand that many of them must have felt shame and guilt because they were left with the feelings and thoughts that they had caused what happened that caused me to act the way I did. Amends came then in releasing them from the guilt and shame as I took responsibility. Understanding that I often left others feeling responsible for what happened was also what I felt living in the trauma and drama of alcoholism and addiction.
Its not only okay, it is also giving mercy and margin to those I left feeling responsible for what I did.
There were and are people I cannot and will not be able to make apology to and this doesn't interfere with making the amends. Making the amends is like telling my HP that I am available again, useful again to be an instrument.
Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
l found it just as important to learn to stop reacting and to respond in all situations after weighing all the issues in a positive manner.
Thank you for sharing, I too react too much, I have been the opposite as the bible says, slow to speak and quick to hear. I feel like my life has been at times one long reaction. Also that in my Family of Origin, it is encouraged and anticipated. I am working it each day, sometimes feels like a brutal reality.
Alanon taught me that reacting gives the other power and my best action is to pause, process what is going on and then "RESPOND" That was truly a powerful gift.
You are on your way. Progress not perfection is a true git as well.
Hi, I am new to this forum.
I wanted to write my experience with Step Nine as we are discussing it in our group. In a way Step Nine to me is a forgiveness step. Making amends - Step 8 has me making a list of all persons we had harmed and in Step Nine I can to action and make my amends. Not so easy a Step because it makes me feel vulnerable to be hurt again as it did time and time again growing up in an alcoholic home. I often let go of something my mother had said or forgave her for her slips but then have her attack me over and over again during my life living at home. I brought those fears & doubts into my first marriage and didn't learn anything. Even after our separation, he continued to hurt me - I rephrase that - I allowed him to hurt me time and time again. That was all I knew. After Al-Anon, I found out I had a choice. How freeing was that???!!! I could take on those action or words or I could choose not to let it affect me. Sure it would hurt but I could choose how it affected me. It was very freeing to know I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior - All I need to do is choose not to take it on. I am so grateful for those choices.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE.
kelknickle (Kelly)