I was told we post our attempts at steps here. I'm working out of the ACA Step Workbook. This is my first attempt at step work, so feedback is welcome. True to Workbook form, there were 12 pages of questions, but these five were labeled the Step 1 questions. (Yes, I did the other 12 pages. I'm just going to spare you from reading them.)
1. What am I powerless over? I am powerless over the addictions and mental illnesses of my family members and friends with similar afflictions I have attracted. I am powerless over my past reactions to their behaviors for two reasons. First, their actions stemmed from illnesses they denied they had. Second, I can't change what I've done so many years ago. I am powerless over the roles the rest of my family has played in the family dynamic. Even when I changed how I react to them and how I choose to interact with them, the roles didn't appear to change. This tells me these roles are out of my control. I am powerless over my in-laws' insanity, specifically the begging, manipulation, greed, underhanded tactics, attempts at spiritual poisoning, and not taking of hints that is currently hurting my husband. I am powerless over my husband's reactions to these things. I cannot change how he chooses to interact with his family no matter what I do or don't do. I am powerless over how my employer sees me. I can be the most perfect employee in the world, but old biases may still color new interactions. I am powerless over how quickly I let go of resentments. I can choose to start the work, I can do the work to the best of my ability, and I can keep at it. However, these issues would be resolved or at least better by now if there wasn't some degree of powerlessness.
2. What does surrender mean to me? It means the one who surrenders releases all expectations and agendas. This person acts from a place of integrity and respect for all, but letting the chips fall where they may. Letting go of hurt, anger, resentment, and fear.
3. If I surrender, does that mean I will have no choices? Sometimes I think so, but no. Surrender only takes away the choices rooted in control, anger, and fear. This may limit my choices considerably, but not completely eradicate them. The point I want to get to is being assertive and able to stand up for myself, but able to avoid behaviors rooted in my baggage. I think I become afraid of letting go of the resentments because I will be a doormat if I don't retain somewhat of an edge.
4. Am I willing to admit my family is dysfunctional? To a point. It still creates loyalty issues, depending on the context. I know it's true. They meet the clinical criteria of dysfunction, but talking about it makes me feel dirty and like I'm stabbing them in the back.
5. Am I willing to admit I am powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home and that my life is unmanageable? Again, to a point. I know I'm still feeling the barely conscious effects of dysfunction and these effects have all but effed up my personal and professional lives, but I still feel like I should just pull out of it or I don't understand why something so old should affect me now.
Common Themes in the 12 Pages of Work I'm Sparing Y'all From:
--being a scapegoat
--alternating between doormat and rebel
--feeling used
--feeling invisible
--accepting that I was the crazy one just to get along
--trust issues
--feeling pressure to be addicted like everyone else, then feeling less than because I never developed an addiction (yeah, that one's nuts)
--suppressing my true nature to the point I almost don't recognize it
--anxiety
--social awkwardness
--not doing what I know I should be doing just to avoid the censure of others
hotrod said
Dec 13, 2014
Hello Amy Welcome, Thank you for your in depth , honest share on the First Step.
Your clarity and sincerity indicate that you are well on your way in your undertaking and have the courage, to proceed through the Steps.
We have an ACOA Board where many post to obtain feed back and support on a daily basis Here is the address. acoa.activeboard.com/forum.spark
Keep coming back You are not alone.
Betty
si11ybasil said
Dec 15, 2014
Thanks, Betty. I've been on there a few times. My attendance kinda sucks because of my school and work schedule. Right now, my program is slow, but better than nothing.
-- Edited by si11ybasil on Monday 15th of December 2014 04:30:58 AM
recoveryrehab said
Dec 15, 2014
Thanks - si11ybasil, appreciate your post
One of the things that really surfaced for me when I was doing my step one was the sense of guilt I felt about being critical of my family, that you touched on in your post.
I had huge feelings of both guilt and fear about in anyway being critical of my family, even though I was only either writing it down or sharing it at a meeting.
I came to realise over time that one of the reasons for this was the fear within me of changing the family dynamic. As I began to change, and began to own my own stuff and realise what was my stuff and what wasn't my stuff, ie their stuff, then the rest of my family intensified the process of trying to control me even more.
The implications of this was that the happy family scenario that I had in my head became more and more exposed to me as an illusion, and I had to deal with the reality of my family as it was.
This was incredibly difficult, not simply because of the family dynamic, but because it exposed me to big changes in the way I felt I belonged to and was part of my family.
However, as with all things Al-Anon, over time I've come to really believe that I would rather deal with the reality of my life, whether it concerns me or my family, then hang onto various illusions I have had all my life that I believed were keeping me safe, but in fact were keeping me trapped inside my head.
Dealing with my own reality is a core part of real freedom.
Good luck
hotrod said
Dec 15, 2014
Recoveryrehab Thank you for your share and honesty I agree, using program tools and living with reality far exceeds living in denial and pretend.
Betty
I was told we post our attempts at steps here. I'm working out of the ACA Step Workbook. This is my first attempt at step work, so feedback is welcome. True to Workbook form, there were 12 pages of questions, but these five were labeled the Step 1 questions. (Yes, I did the other 12 pages. I'm just going to spare you from reading them.)
1. What am I powerless over? I am powerless over the addictions and mental illnesses of my family members and friends with similar afflictions I have attracted. I am powerless over my past reactions to their behaviors for two reasons. First, their actions stemmed from illnesses they denied they had. Second, I can't change what I've done so many years ago. I am powerless over the roles the rest of my family has played in the family dynamic. Even when I changed how I react to them and how I choose to interact with them, the roles didn't appear to change. This tells me these roles are out of my control. I am powerless over my in-laws' insanity, specifically the begging, manipulation, greed, underhanded tactics, attempts at spiritual poisoning, and not taking of hints that is currently hurting my husband. I am powerless over my husband's reactions to these things. I cannot change how he chooses to interact with his family no matter what I do or don't do. I am powerless over how my employer sees me. I can be the most perfect employee in the world, but old biases may still color new interactions. I am powerless over how quickly I let go of resentments. I can choose to start the work, I can do the work to the best of my ability, and I can keep at it. However, these issues would be resolved or at least better by now if there wasn't some degree of powerlessness.
2. What does surrender mean to me? It means the one who surrenders releases all expectations and agendas. This person acts from a place of integrity and respect for all, but letting the chips fall where they may. Letting go of hurt, anger, resentment, and fear.
3. If I surrender, does that mean I will have no choices? Sometimes I think so, but no. Surrender only takes away the choices rooted in control, anger, and fear. This may limit my choices considerably, but not completely eradicate them. The point I want to get to is being assertive and able to stand up for myself, but able to avoid behaviors rooted in my baggage. I think I become afraid of letting go of the resentments because I will be a doormat if I don't retain somewhat of an edge.
4. Am I willing to admit my family is dysfunctional? To a point. It still creates loyalty issues, depending on the context. I know it's true. They meet the clinical criteria of dysfunction, but talking about it makes me feel dirty and like I'm stabbing them in the back.
5. Am I willing to admit I am powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home and that my life is unmanageable? Again, to a point. I know I'm still feeling the barely conscious effects of dysfunction and these effects have all but effed up my personal and professional lives, but I still feel like I should just pull out of it or I don't understand why something so old should affect me now.
Common Themes in the 12 Pages of Work I'm Sparing Y'all From:
--being a scapegoat
--alternating between doormat and rebel
--feeling used
--feeling invisible
--accepting that I was the crazy one just to get along
--trust issues
--feeling pressure to be addicted like everyone else, then feeling less than because I never developed an addiction (yeah, that one's nuts)
--suppressing my true nature to the point I almost don't recognize it
--anxiety
--social awkwardness
--not doing what I know I should be doing just to avoid the censure of others
Your clarity and sincerity indicate that you are well on your way in your undertaking and have the courage, to proceed through the Steps.
We have an ACOA Board where many post to obtain feed back and support on a daily basis Here is the address.
acoa.activeboard.com/forum.spark
Keep coming back You are not alone.
Betty
Thanks, Betty. I've been on there a few times. My attendance kinda sucks because of my school and work schedule. Right now, my program is slow, but better than nothing.
-- Edited by si11ybasil on Monday 15th of December 2014 04:30:58 AM
One of the things that really surfaced for me when I was doing my step one was the sense of guilt I felt about being critical of my family, that you touched on in your post.
I had huge feelings of both guilt and fear about in anyway being critical of my family, even though I was only either writing it down or sharing it at a meeting.
I came to realise over time that one of the reasons for this was the fear within me of changing the family dynamic. As I began to change, and began to own my own stuff and realise what was my stuff and what wasn't my stuff, ie their stuff, then the rest of my family intensified the process of trying to control me even more.
The implications of this was that the happy family scenario that I had in my head became more and more exposed to me as an illusion, and I had to deal with the reality of my family as it was.
This was incredibly difficult, not simply because of the family dynamic, but because it exposed me to big changes in the way I felt I belonged to and was part of my family.
However, as with all things Al-Anon, over time I've come to really believe that I would rather deal with the reality of my life, whether it concerns me or my family, then hang onto various illusions I have had all my life that I believed were keeping me safe, but in fact were keeping me trapped inside my head.
Dealing with my own reality is a core part of real freedom.
Good luck
Betty