I am so happy that I found this site. It gives me a glitter of hope, even though I feel like shit. It is so easy for me to judge, hate, and destroy myself, I can barley take it any longer. I am trying to admit that I am powerless, sure feel that way, but I find it hard because that will mean that I am weak and it will make me volnurable. I find that people do not understand and want to give me bizzare solutions like just do it, everyone is insecure, everyone comes from screwed up family, we all procrastinate. I cannot trust anyone, I feel like the whole world is against me and I am turning 32 tomorrow. Feel like I have not accomplished much in life. I know that I am too critical of myself, but don't know how to change that. It is suffocating me at the moment, as I am struggling with writing. I am taking a masters degree and cannot finish anything I start writing. Often I don't even write anything at all. It is really affecting me badly. The only person that understands me is a therapist at uni, but I only get to see him every 2nd week and others, in the hostile outside world seem to think it's all mind over matter. If it was that simple I would have gotten over it already. I know I need recovery and am working on it, but cannot change over night and I feel that is not good enough for some, and especially for me. How can I ever reparent myself and love myself without conditions? I feel that if I get anythigh less that distinction I am a failure, and even then who knows. It is almost like I would rather not try at the moment than be criticized, judged, or driven to fail. I have been supressing my emotions and feelings my whole life and since the awarness of this came my way 2 months ago, I cannot turn back or ignore them any longer. But there is not enough time in a day for me to do full time study, which requires concentration and good self-asteem and work on releasing my old emotions, which is phisically and emotionally draining. I still feel like I need to fix this alone and fast. But I guess that goes against what first step is teaching us, I know I need to let go and stop equating myself with my academic achievements or failures. I am not a grade and I do matter, even though I was never made to feel that way. I just waisted a whole day doing nothing but feeling anxious and beeting myself over the fact that I have not finished that damn essay. The more I become aware of where I am today and how many issues I have to deal with, the more scared I become. It started with a writes block and turned into procrastination, low self-asteem, co-dependence, depression, loneliness, abandonment, and many more issues. I am falling deeper and deeper. How did you stop this crazyness? Please be my friend. Thank you for letting me vent and listening. D

sierra..  you sound so much like I did at your age. 

I also found it too scary to just do Step 1 alone.  I had to do Steps 1, 2, and 3 pretty much together. I had to believe that there is a loving God whom I could trust could handle the things I could not handle. And Step 3 was very difficult for me because I could not trust anybody then,,, nobody,,  not even God, not even myself.

But I'm very glad to share the experience, strength and hope with you that it can get better. The program works,,,   well,,  it is that God works,,, through the program. The answers that we don't have now come to us as we go along.

Sometimes we don't have to 'work' on releasing old emotions,,,  we just let them go. Other times it is more work,,,  but I understand what you are saying about it interfering with your studies,,, and your studies are very important. There is a slogan,,  "easy does it",, that helps us. And 'do your best and God does the rest'.

It's true that a lot of people don't understand us.  I'm glad you came here.  You were not just 'venting' but asked some really important questions, and explained yourself.

keep coming,

amanda

Hi sierra,

Need a quick fix?  Unfortunately there is none..this is the start of a great journey for you.  Steps 123 are very impt.  Leave  it  up to HP to decide on the speed of your recovery.  After all, it took you years to get where you are,.....The good news?  It does get better and you have time to turn your young life around.  There is hope but don't  rush HP.

best

Carla ( really toto)

 

 

 

hi Sierra , thanks for that I really related to it ! I feel that using the 12 step programmes for a few years , and some other things too , has meant that now although things are still muddly I'm more accepting of it ! way to go though - that self esteem thing you mentioned, measuring ourselves like that is a toughie I think. I don't know I think that will always be a problem for me to some extent because when you're trying to meet deadlines and stuff it's impossible not to get a bit stressed out about it I think, just if I keep using the programmes it eases off a bit , I'm able to relax more in leisure time ( well sometimes anyway ! ) and am even coming now to have some acceptance about my defects really although I do intend to go on working on them , I know now that they will not all go overnight , and in fact will make themselves known to me when it's the right time to have to look at them , sigh ! sometimes I'll go through a period of time when things run smoothly and then eventually a defect comes up for attention but it's good in the long run , my life is better for using support groups now , lol Vicky x