"Made direct amends to such people where possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Paths to Recovery: "Step nine is an action step in which we become humble enough to verbalize our regrets, if appropriate to the people we have harmed. Identifying the persons we have harmed in Step Eight took courage because this thoroughness we build character by asking our Higher Power for the courage to change the things we can. We cannot undo our past and we cannot expect those we approach to respond positively but we can admit our part and do whatever is possible to mitigate the consequences of our past mistakes."
My share
By the time I reached Step 9 I had a pretty good idea of the harm I had done others and the type of amends I needed to perform First I needed to make an amend to myself for all the negative thoughts, actions and abandonment I had endured because I did not have he tools to live by.
That amend was to Go to meetings, practice the slogans, steps, work with a sponsor and trust HP. I continue to make this amend to myself each day so that I do not fall back to my old behavior and thinking
The next amend I needed to make was in my critical thinking, judgmental thoughts that never surfaced or saw the light and of which no one but myself knew were running around in my head. These thoughts flavored my attitude towards everyone and fed my negative actions such as sarcasm, anger, arrogance etc.
I eliminated these thoughts by practicing the slogans: Let go and Let God, Keep the Focus on Yourself and the serenity prayer. I refused to permit myself the privilege of entertaining even for a moment the negative ideas I once cherished. Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others, however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality.
My amends did not take the form of saying:" I am Sorry ". It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of owning my former actions-- Big for me
My amend to my parents, my husband and son were handled with honesty and humility I owned my part in the family disease- and by my new found attitudes and actions proved that I was willing to change into the kind of child, partner and parent that had a positive supportive attitude and constructive tools to live by. No more my being the victim of others behavior or actions.
Powerful step and so very glad I learned new attitudes to live by.
Step Nine questions
Which people on my list do I need to make direct amends to first?
What is stopping me?
What amends in my putting off? Why ?
How can I be sure I'm not just ducking an embarrassing situation?
Jackie Z said
Nov 16, 2015
Hotrod...I like what you said about amends can be working the Steps and using the Slogans. It helps me think about daily practice of both and the power they have. Step 9 was always scary to me. Honesty is something I hid from for most of my life. Alanon helps me deal more directly with honesty. The gift of amends was is important to me and a big deal to my adult kids...we are closer for it. Loving the Step work here. Jackie
hotrod said
Nov 17, 2015
Hi Jackie Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Step 9 . I agree, honesty is a huge part of this program and I am so grateful that i too learned how to be honest, open and willing in alanon. My serenity and courage grew each time I did so.
Betty
Enigmatic said
Nov 22, 2015
Betty, thank you for your ESH on this step and for your service. Your share was very helpful in considering my amends.
As is always the case, the work in previous steps helped lay the groundwork for the present work. Step 8 helped me identify a list of those I needed to make amends to, starting with myself. This involved the realization and acceptance of my actions as I have come to understand them through the principles of AlAnon, and the full commitment to make continual adjustments in my thoughts and behavior through daily reading, meditation, and reliance on my higher power.
As my understanding and growth in the program evolve and as I work the steps again, I imagine I may uncover other names to add to my list. But I feel that the list I made this time addressed the nagging thoughts that clogged my mind for now. I have not quite completed this step, but already feel a relief and a peace from clearing my mind of the burdens of unresolved feelings.
-----------------------------
Step Nine questions
Which people on my list do I need to make direct amends to first?
As with all things in AlAnon, it starts with me. My amends has been and will be an ongoing work in progress. I then included those who I have the most interaction with and are most accessible, and continue working my way through to indirect amends.
What is stopping me?
So far, nothing...I am committed to follow through on this step, I want a clear mind.
What amends in my putting off? Why?
There is one that I am feeling some fear about, but it is also one of the longer standing and most negative feeling of my amends...but I know I can't skip it, I want to take care of it, and I know that I can by relying on my hp.
How can I be sure I'm not just ducking an embarrassing situation?
Thought, meditation, and honesty with myself...commitment to working the program to the best of my ability.
hotrod said
Nov 22, 2015
Hello Paul I always appreciate reading your insights as you work each step. Your honesty, clarity and dedication to your recovery are admirable
Thanks for being here.
IamHere said
Dec 28, 2015
Still playing catch up - but....getting closer due to snowed in!!!
Step 9 for me is the step that allows me to feel, deal and heal.
This step suggests direct amends be made to those we placed on our list - when possible - unless when to do so would injure them or others. Step 9 asks us to take all our thoughts, actions, reactions and misguided behaviors and take action.
Working with my sponsor, we went back to the list and cross-referenced to the events. In my path to this step, I started with events so I could look for patterns, actions, reactions, etc. that were mine and were common enough to require conscious efforts with. Of course, when we are working to be rigorously honest, the common denominator was always ME! Working through the list of amends I owed and the events, it was easy to see that how I consistently applied warped coping mechanisms (defensiveness, misguided anger, fear, sarcasm, etc.) to many events, which in turn hurt myself and others.
Looking for my truth and being willing to clean up my side of the street allowed me to make amends to myself - as Betty suggests - by putting me first. I get up each day and treat my disease/support my recovery. This is before I do anything else as I have learned I can return to being an insecure, self-doubting person quickly if I don't treat my disease. Part of my recovery is to remember how powerless I am over this disease, others, and events and that I'm now relying on a higher power to guide me through each day, one day at a time.
My indirect or living amends to me also includes meetings, literature, program friend meet-ups, and service work. Everything I do that is program focused seems to give me a level of peace/serenity that is hard to put into words.
I made amends next to my children and chose to write letters. This was as direct as I could be at the time as they were not wanting direct contact with me. I was able to make direct amends to a few others who I set aside out of fear, shame, pride and hurt with my chosen isolation.
I have one person left on my list that I've stalled/delayed. This is because I still harbor a few resentments, and am concerned about my expectations so have chosen action vs. words for now. I may or may not have a dialogue, living amends for now is working for a rebuild of the relationship.
Step Nine questions
Which people on my list do I need to make direct amends to first?
- I agree with those above me - this program is about me and my recovery. Through all my 'crazy control' and 'intended good deeds', I believe I hurt myself more than others. My amends to myself will be ongoing, and a living amends - more through action than words. Beyond that, immediate family were important to me as they were my qualifiers - closing the chapters of old was necessary for me to move forward by living one day at a time.
What is stopping me?
- I have no concerns about amends I've made nor those I am doing by an indirect method. As more is revealed, I talk with my sponsor and if necessary work the steps on the situation or person. For the second time today, I will say that without a sponsor, I'd be stuck possibly or at least still sick with the disease.
What amends in my putting off? Why ?
- I have one that I have put on hold for a while to pray about. I have been indirectly making amends instead of a direct amends due to lingering fear/resentments. It may even fall into the 'except when to do so ....' category. My sponsor gave me alternative actions vs. a conversation because of the situation and my feelings about it. The indirect amends is helping with my resentments as well as the relationship, so is working for now.
How can I be sure I'm not just ducking an embarrassing situation?
- I suppose I can't be 100% sure - great question. I do believe that if I had unfinished business, it would fester up and display itself in a manner that doesn't align with where I am or where I want to be. This has happened before - where I was in denial and/or didn't recall an event that required processing. In other moments of my life, I have felt as if I was smacked in the head (figuratively) by God with a 2 x 4. It became so apparent in my mind that I was surprised it was filed in the backside of my brain.
I am a firm believer that more will be revealed as it needs to be. This step gave me peace of heart....I had a huge issue before working the steps in connecting my head (what I knew I should do) with my heart (my guilt/shame over changing) and that went away when I worked this step + those previous to it.
Great work everyone! Thanks for being here and working the steps with me!!
hotrod said
Dec 29, 2015
Thanks for your continued honesty IAH Love making "living amends" that is such an on going process.
Step Nine;
"Made direct amends to such people where possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Paths to Recovery:
"Step nine is an action step in which we become humble enough to verbalize our regrets, if appropriate to the people we have harmed. Identifying the persons we have harmed in Step Eight took courage because this thoroughness we build character by asking our Higher Power for the courage to change the things we can. We cannot undo our past and we cannot expect those we approach to respond positively but we can admit our part and do whatever is possible to mitigate the consequences of our past mistakes."
My share
By the time I reached Step 9 I had a pretty good idea of the harm I had done others and the type of amends I needed to perform First I needed to make an amend to myself for all the negative thoughts, actions and abandonment I had endured because I did not have he tools to live by.
That amend was to Go to meetings, practice the slogans, steps, work with a sponsor and trust HP. I continue to make this amend to myself each day so that I do not fall back to my old behavior and thinking
The next amend I needed to make was in my critical thinking, judgmental thoughts that never surfaced or saw the light and of which no one but myself knew were running around in my head. These thoughts flavored my attitude towards everyone and fed my negative actions such as sarcasm, anger, arrogance etc.
I eliminated these thoughts by practicing the slogans: Let go and Let God, Keep the Focus on Yourself and the serenity prayer. I refused to permit myself the privilege of entertaining even for a moment the negative ideas I once cherished. Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others, however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality.
My amends did not take the form of saying:" I am Sorry ". It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of owning my former actions-- Big for me
My amend to my parents, my husband and son were handled with honesty and humility I owned my part in the family disease- and by my new found attitudes and actions proved that I was willing to change into the kind of child, partner and parent that had a positive supportive attitude and constructive tools to live by. No more my being the victim of others behavior or actions.
Powerful step and so very glad I learned new attitudes to live by.
Step Nine questions
Which people on my list do I need to make direct amends to first?
What is stopping me?
What amends in my putting off? Why ?
How can I be sure I'm not just ducking an embarrassing situation?
It helps me think about daily practice of both and the power they have.
Step 9 was always scary to me. Honesty is something I hid from for most of my life. Alanon helps me deal more directly with honesty.
The gift of amends was is important to me and a big deal to my adult kids...we are closer for it.
Loving the Step work here.
Jackie
Betty
Betty, thank you for your ESH on this step and for your service. Your share was very helpful in considering my amends.
As is always the case, the work in previous steps helped lay the groundwork for the present work. Step 8 helped me identify a list of those I needed to make amends to, starting with myself. This involved the realization and acceptance of my actions as I have come to understand them through the principles of AlAnon, and the full commitment to make continual adjustments in my thoughts and behavior through daily reading, meditation, and reliance on my higher power.
As my understanding and growth in the program evolve and as I work the steps again, I imagine I may uncover other names to add to my list. But I feel that the list I made this time addressed the nagging thoughts that clogged my mind for now. I have not quite completed this step, but already feel a relief and a peace from clearing my mind of the burdens of unresolved feelings.
-----------------------------
Step Nine questions
Which people on my list do I need to make direct amends to first?
As with all things in AlAnon, it starts with me. My amends has been and will be an ongoing work in progress. I then included those who I have the most interaction with and are most accessible, and continue working my way through to indirect amends.
What is stopping me?
So far, nothing...I am committed to follow through on this step, I want a clear mind.
What amends in my putting off? Why?
There is one that I am feeling some fear about, but it is also one of the longer standing and most negative feeling of my amends...but I know I can't skip it, I want to take care of it, and I know that I can by relying on my hp.
How can I be sure I'm not just ducking an embarrassing situation?
Thought, meditation, and honesty with myself...commitment to working the program to the best of my ability.
Thanks for being here.
Step 9 for me is the step that allows me to feel, deal and heal.
This step suggests direct amends be made to those we placed on our list - when possible - unless when to do so would injure them or others. Step 9 asks us to take all our thoughts, actions, reactions and misguided behaviors and take action.
Working with my sponsor, we went back to the list and cross-referenced to the events. In my path to this step, I started with events so I could look for patterns, actions, reactions, etc. that were mine and were common enough to require conscious efforts with. Of course, when we are working to be rigorously honest, the common denominator was always ME! Working through the list of amends I owed and the events, it was easy to see that how I consistently applied warped coping mechanisms (defensiveness, misguided anger, fear, sarcasm, etc.) to many events, which in turn hurt myself and others.
Looking for my truth and being willing to clean up my side of the street allowed me to make amends to myself - as Betty suggests - by putting me first. I get up each day and treat my disease/support my recovery. This is before I do anything else as I have learned I can return to being an insecure, self-doubting person quickly if I don't treat my disease. Part of my recovery is to remember how powerless I am over this disease, others, and events and that I'm now relying on a higher power to guide me through each day, one day at a time.
My indirect or living amends to me also includes meetings, literature, program friend meet-ups, and service work. Everything I do that is program focused seems to give me a level of peace/serenity that is hard to put into words.
I made amends next to my children and chose to write letters. This was as direct as I could be at the time as they were not wanting direct contact with me. I was able to make direct amends to a few others who I set aside out of fear, shame, pride and hurt with my chosen isolation.
I have one person left on my list that I've stalled/delayed. This is because I still harbor a few resentments, and am concerned about my expectations so have chosen action vs. words for now. I may or may not have a dialogue, living amends for now is working for a rebuild of the relationship.
Step Nine questions
Which people on my list do I need to make direct amends to first?
- I agree with those above me - this program is about me and my recovery. Through all my 'crazy control' and 'intended good deeds', I believe I hurt myself more than others. My amends to myself will be ongoing, and a living amends - more through action than words. Beyond that, immediate family were important to me as they were my qualifiers - closing the chapters of old was necessary for me to move forward by living one day at a time.
What is stopping me?
- I have no concerns about amends I've made nor those I am doing by an indirect method. As more is revealed, I talk with my sponsor and if necessary work the steps on the situation or person. For the second time today, I will say that without a sponsor, I'd be stuck possibly or at least still sick with the disease.
What amends in my putting off? Why ?
- I have one that I have put on hold for a while to pray about. I have been indirectly making amends instead of a direct amends due to lingering fear/resentments. It may even fall into the 'except when to do so ....' category. My sponsor gave me alternative actions vs. a conversation because of the situation and my feelings about it. The indirect amends is helping with my resentments as well as the relationship, so is working for now.
How can I be sure I'm not just ducking an embarrassing situation?
- I suppose I can't be 100% sure - great question. I do believe that if I had unfinished business, it would fester up and display itself in a manner that doesn't align with where I am or where I want to be. This has happened before - where I was in denial and/or didn't recall an event that required processing. In other moments of my life, I have felt as if I was smacked in the head (figuratively) by God with a 2 x 4. It became so apparent in my mind that I was surprised it was filed in the backside of my brain.
I am a firm believer that more will be revealed as it needs to be. This step gave me peace of heart....I had a huge issue before working the steps in connecting my head (what I knew I should do) with my heart (my guilt/shame over changing) and that went away when I worked this step + those previous to it.
Great work everyone! Thanks for being here and working the steps with me!!