How easy it can be to justify our own unacceptable behavior. This is how we can excuse ourselves claiming that we were provoked and had no choices. With these and other justifications wed pretend our wrongs don't count. This denial must be overcome when we take the 4th Step.step. With this step we take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. It is fearless because of the strong spiritual foundation we have established in the first 3 Steps. It is moral because we list what is right and wrong in our behavior .
My Share
My first Step 4 was far from fearless. I was extremely terrified to look within because I was afraid I would find that all the terrible things that my family had said about me, over the years were true. I was assured that looking inward was necessary so that I could grow and claim my true self and that I had many hidden attributes that I had ignored over the years and it was important to see and validate them . That was enough incentive to work this step as best as I was able . I looked into all the nooks and crannies of my hidden self and discovered not only the negative destructive weapons I used to survive but I also found many inaccurate false beliefs upon which I had built my belief system . Much to my amazement I also discovered many positive attributes such as empathy, compassion, intelligence.
I have worked many 4th Steps as I continue to work this program and now it is indeed fearless because today I understand that I am an imperfect human being who has destructive attitudes that hurt me I need to identify them and eliminate them so I can enjoy life. It is a positive act that I take in my own behalf. Thank you alanon
Step 4 Questions
Do I harbor grudges?
Do I resent authority?
Do I judge others harshly?
How did I Judge myself?
Am I fearful?
Am I dishonest?..
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
Can I list my positive attributes?
--
Lesley said
Mar 18, 2016
I am currently working my first Step 4 and like you, I too felt like I didn't want to look too closely at myself. I was so busy hiding the real me from the world that I was afraid that if I was "found out" then no one would ever like me ever! Now that I've worked the first three steps and am more comfortable in Al-Anon in general, I see that I'm no different than anyone else. I was just afraid to see myself clearly and as an imperfect human.
Questions...
1. Do I harbor grudges?
I don't know about grudges but I sure hold on to things that I wish had happened differently. I tend to feel bitter and cheated because of my bad choices and I internalize it all. Then out comes the whip and I beat myself up with it over and over. I am learning to let go and to forgive myself - it's long overdue.
2. Do I resent authority?
I only resent it if it's restrictive and if I feel I'm being micromanaged. Mostly I fear it because I keep waiting for it to "catch me out" and discover that I'm really not a good person underneath all my bravado.
3. Do I judge other harshly?
Yes, I am judgmental - of others and of myself. It's a character flaw that I've used to make myself feel better and more normal than others. It's a bad habit and I've begun to be aware of when i'm doing it and I try to figure out why I do it.
4. Am I fearful?
I used to be very afraid of things, of life, of failure, of being perfect, of not living up to expectation...of pretty much everything. I am less afraid now that I've started becoming more aware of my Higher Power and I've started to have faith that things are as they should be. I feel protected and less alone than ever since coming to Al-Anon and I am learning to be more accepting.
5. Am I dishonest?
Again, I used to be more dishonest than I am now. But I still find myself lying to others, thinking that being dishonest is better than saying what I really feel or think. I was brought up to never lie but I learned early on that lying was something I was pretty good at. But then my conscious would get the best of me and I'd admit my lie. Now that I'm an adult, I don't admit my lies, I just go along pretending it's all ok. Again, something to work on. I find that people don't much care what you're doing as long as it's authentic and true to you. Honesty is a hard thing to get used to.
6. Have I done any family of origin work yet? Have I identified any old beliefs or feelings from the past?
My entire life's journey is about my family of origin and how they have shaped me. I hear my parents' voices daily and can't believe how much influence they've had on me. I have started challenging my beliefs by writing down a question like "Do you really believe this is the only way to...." then I try to see another perspective about it. It's a slow process and no, I haven't honestly done any family of origin work with Al-Anon.
7. Have you already done a 4th Step? N/A because no, I haven't, this is my first.
8. Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I didn't see any suggestions for doing this Step but I am working with my sponsor on it. The entire 12 steps provokes my curiosity and I'm excited to see how I will be once I get to the 12th one! I have been at this step for a while now but it's always in the back of my mind while I go through my day. I have complete faith that I will finish it soon.
9. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
I never thought of doing a 4th step on a particular issue in life. It's a great idea but I think I'll get through my first one, first. :)
10. Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
I am learning to ask myself what I'm really feeling when something makes me uncomfortable. And I spend my life trying to be right and worse yet, trying to make everyone else agree that I am right! It was very important in my family to be right and it's Al-Anon that has opened my eyes to the damage this can do in relationships. My frustration level has been huge all my life because I've been so busy trying to be right that I've never learned to just be. And to accept that everyone is right and everyone is wrong. So yes, I am learning to examine my motives, sloppily and not very well yet, but I'm learning.
11. Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me?
I do realize this. And it's such a relief to know my HP is there and doesn't expect anything from me but to be willing. It takes a lot of pressure off a person. And it's interesting that you say to removed the negative actions that hurt ME. It has never been about me until Al-Anon and it's great because I'm the one that has to be with me always. I'm the one that has to live with me and I'm the one that has the responsibility for me. Again, so empowering.
12. Can I list my positive attributes?
Funny you should ask this. I used to list my positive attributes from my ego "I'm smarter than you" or "I'm so pretty" etc. Now it's more about being real and yes, I'm smart but I'm no smarter than anyone else. And yes, I'm pretty on the outside, but I was not very pretty on the inside. The positives are easier to find these days, too and it's just a matter of fact now, not a matter of being ego driven. Al-Anon is teaching me that it's ok just to be me.
hotrod said
Mar 18, 2016
Well Done Lesley I am happy that you took the time and energy to share with such clarity and honesty. This program works and I am pleased that you are working it.Love your wisdom regarding your assets and how we are able to see them through different eyes. :) Great share
crau said
Mar 29, 2016
There's a step 4 study starting soon in my area; I can't attend all 6 of them this time around so this is a good place to start for me.
Do I harbor grudges?
I do. I harbor grudges for the alcoholic in my life although I say I forgive him for his wrong doings--I still harbor grudges for things he continues to choose to do that impact me regardless of my attempt to put up boundaries.
Do I resent authority?\
No. I respect it.
Do I judge others harshly?
yes, especially those I am most threatened by
How did I Judge myself?
I assume I am the one that holds all the answers and when the answers don't work-I assume I am the one that caused the failure. I judge my self for being too forgiving, not forgiving enough; too nice, too passive, to stand offish, etc.
Am I fearful?
yes-fearful of not being perfect, for doing the wrong thing, for others judging my desciions and talking about me when I am not around. I am fearful of others not respecting me for what I want to do with my life.
Am I dishonest?..
at times to protect myself from having to feel the judgement of others.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
no
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
no
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I want to do a fourth step in the next 12 months
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
yes, I am blocking myselve from moving on past the chaos that wasn't healthy and fearful of having to let go of what I thought I wanted to accept things I never thought I could have.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
my motives behind feeling uncomfortable and feeling right come from my own self-esteem issues. I was often seen as the "good kid" that never ruffled feathers so people over looked me for being more than that so I stopped believing in myself.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
Hello Crau Thank you fro sharing your thought and feelings on this important step. Your courage ,wisdom and honesty will aid your recovery going forward.
Keep coming back
Overcomer said
Apr 4, 2016
Do I harbor grudges? Yes, but not as much as I used to.
Do I resent authority? Yes, actually more than I used to.
Do I judge others harshly? Yes.
How did I Judge myself? I'm my own worst critic.
Am I fearful? Yes.
Am I dishonest?.. with myself mostly
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
I've done some family of origin work, mostly through a book that is not al-anon approved however. Do we have such a book that is Conference approved? I've only used Blueprint for Progress and The Steps and Traditions book.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues? Yes, I've done two in-depth fourth steps in the last 20 years. No, that's why I'm doing them again.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I plan on working through my fourth step again in the next 6 months. It will be an in-depth one, so I'm giving myself more time.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? I feel blocked in the area of dealing with people on a f2f basis. I have been a shut-in with my mom for so long, I do not know how to act, now that she is gone.
Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? Yes.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT? Yes, I'm trying to do that more.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me . Yes.
Can I list my positive attributes? Yes, I am kind, caring and honest. I am long-suffering (not to the point of being a martyr though). I am intelligent and a hard worker. I am very diversified in my experiences and talents.
hotrod said
Apr 4, 2016
Hi Lisa Thanks for taking the tmie to share your thoughts with such honesty.
It is lovely to be sharing this journey with you. Glad you are back.
oceanpine said
Apr 21, 2016
I have been resisting step four! I have various books and methods for approaching it, but I'm going to start with this one. Maybe it will grease the wheels so I can keep going!
Do I harbor grudges?
In general, I don't. However, the behavior I do tend to hold a grudge about is when I have conflict with someone else, and they are not willing to take any ownership of it.... I am willing to look at my part, and they are just interested in pointing a finger at me. I tend to hold onto that grudge.
Do I resent authority? No, I don't. I respect it, and I sometimes give it more power than it should have.
Do I judge others harshly? I'm mostly live and let live. I usually only do so when they are hurtful to me, or refuse to take any ownership, as I mentioned above. That is definitely a trigger, and I often take it personally when it is more about them. And then, I try to look at their point of view, and figure out how to QTIP.
How did I Judge myself? I am always judging myself. Convinced others have life more figured out than I do. Then I judge myself for that judgement too.
Am I fearful? Yes and no. I am fearful about the future...mainly that it will be less abundant, and more challenging, than the past. I am fearful of not finding the right words when conflict arises. I am fearful of being misunderstood.
Am I dishonest?..In general, no. I am candid. My dishonesty mainly comes in the form of withholding my input, especially my feelings, for fear of being judged or misunderstood. Being honest feels really good to me.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past? Yes, I have done a good bit of it through counseling and self reflection over the years.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues? No, this is my first Fourth Step. I do feel up to date with feelings and issues, because, as I have been putting this step off, I have still been paying attention to the issues it involves (such as resentment). Plus, I am self-reflective by nature.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks." I think I am going to need to take my time in doing a Fourth step, but I would like to do it on issues with my husband as quickly as I can. It is a priority right now, that I keep putting off.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? I feel blocked in follow through. There are many things, currently, that I do not follow through on. One is on promptly responding to people who reach out to me. I go through cycles of reaching out and withdrawing - I would like to be more consistent and to figure out why I do this.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT? Yes, I do try to examine my motives with honesty.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me . Yes
Can I list my positive attributes? Kind, compassionate, gentle, sensitive, intelligent, good will towards others, loyal.
hotrod said
Apr 21, 2016
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts on Step 4 Oceanpine . Once I found the courage to begin looking at myself in the 4 th Step, it became easier and easier. Knowing that I am only doing this to help myself was an important aspect and added bonus. Keep on keeping on .
Hope4Healing said
Apr 23, 2016
Do I harbor grudges? No, I don't tend to harbor grudges. I generally think people mean well. I forgive easily.
Do I resent authority? I resent authority if I think someone is being unfair or cruel. If I respect the person of authority, I don't feel resentment.
Do I judge others harshly? As with grudges, I generally think people mean well, that we all have stories that have built us. I do tend to expect people to do the right thing, mostly to be nice and to be fair and to do a good job.
How did I Judge myself? I think of myself as weak because I'm easily upset and my body reacts to anything harsh by feeling an adrenaline rush and raw sickness that doesn't go away for a long while. People tell me I'm strong, however, that I always show a positive face during crises. What I feel inside isn't what I show outside often.
Am I fearful? Yes. I have a cautious nature and I worry too much. I don't like conflict and try to keep peace.
Am I dishonest?. I'm generally honest if someone asks me something directly, unless I think I will hurt someone. But I will put someone else's feelings or desires before my true feelings often because I don't like conflict or bad feelings.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past? I haven't done family-of-origin work. I have beliefs that family is very important, loyalty to family, that we accept people as they are, that love is important. I tended to seek peace while growing up, to even out family conflicts.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues? No, this is my first fourth step work.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
The idea of a fearless moral inventory made me curious and that we can recognize our destructive behaviors and move past them. I imagine this inventory could take time, that I might come to see new things I didn't expect as I contemplate more.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? I feel blocked in my ability to help my AD. Yes, I should do a fourth step on this specific issue.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT? I haven't looked at motives yet. I think I should do that when I try the Fourth Step specifically on my blocked area.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
I love the idea that my HP can remove negative actions that hurt me and leave me with courage, serenity, and wisdom. I would like to meditate on that.
Can I list my positive attributes? I'm a good listener and accepting of other people; I feel compassion easily; I'm am efficient and do a job well; I'm curious and imaginative.
hotrod said
Apr 23, 2016
Hi HopeforHealing, it looks as if you not only "Hope to Heal" but are actually willing to do the work to achieve the goal . Thanks for sharing your thoughts
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of September 2016 08:50:39 PM
awakening said
Sep 9, 2016
Do I harbor grudges?
Yes, i do. Definately not as much as i did but yes i can harbour grudges at times. I think its linked in with my victim thinking, its the whole they did or didnt do this or that so im their victim. I recognise it as distorted thinking. I can make up stories that i think people in my life are thinking and what their motives are and it can be that they are not treating me or valueing me as i think they should. So i can get angry and then behave in a distant passive aggressive way. I think its fear based and looking for validation from others and expecting them to meet my needs and when they dont i see it as a fault of theirs and i dont feel as worthy and its their fault and i want to distance myself from them. I think its fear of abandonment. I can also feel this way through jealousy and when i see in others things i dont like in myself. Im not accepting and loving all of me so i know its linked closely with how i feel about me.
Do I resent authority?
I can, especially if the authority is judged by me as beneath me in some way. For example if someone in authority is younger than me i can become a bit self rightous and believe they cant possibly be good enough at their job to tell me anything. Ive even used my own spiritual growth to put myself above people sothe only authority i value is spiritual. I get it into my head that others are unhealthy thinkers and therefor not of much value to me on some level. Especially a working environment.
Do I judge others harshly?
I can, i can at times judge others for their beliefs, if i judge it as ignorance or denial. I can judge their views and actions if it doesnt fit in with my own guru status of spirituality. I know people are Gods children and are right where they should be and noone is beneath me or above me and when my heart is open and im not judging i can love anyone and enjoy them in that exact moment and i can leanr and grow from anyone but i cant hold onto this permanently. When i put my self worth in the hands of others rather than in my higher powers hands it blocks me from the connection i want with others because i get fearful they will judge me or reject me so i deflect that fear and judge them first.
How did I Judge myself?
Usually harshly. I seem to get stuck with the distorted thi king when it comes to my own self talk. Im never good enough for me. I dont work this program good enough, i dont do my job good enough, im not a good enough friend or partner, im not good enough with my money or my housework or cooking etc. In every aspect of my life i dont seem to put in enough effort by my own judgment. Im lazy and do just enough whcih is never enough. I leave everything to the last minute so then i rush and of course this is never enough. Its like im terrified of failure so i need an excuse so when its not good enough then i can say well i never had enough time, when actually ive delibrately left it too late. Procrastination is my go to and its a block for me and stops me reaching me true potential.
Am I fearful?
I think im fearful and i hide it under a tough exterior. I react in an abrupt way so i dont see the fear as its in me. Only when i analyse myself can i see that im full of fear still. Even though i got rid of lots of fear, it still drives so much of my behaviours. I habe tools so i try hard not to do the what ifs but when i look at any of my behaviours i dont like the underlying cause is fear. Deep fear of abandonment and failure has a strong impact on my attitude and behaviours and how i relate to others.
Am I dishonest?..
Yes, i lie to mysefl because i justify my bad attitude or bad behaviours. I tell myself, ive done the work, ive got awareness, my ego inflates and i sit on that and use it to justify why im right and i lie to myself because ive still got a lot of work to do, more digging inside to do but my perfectionism wont let me do it because i have a fear of failure and dont have the courage to look within even though i know thatshow i got free of so much.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
Im not sure what this means. I have looked at a lot of my old belief systems and identified them from my childhood and have discarded many of them. Im open to choosing a new way to think and identifying many of my insecurities from my childhood and i have mostly forgiven my family and acxepted they gave me what they had to give as imperfect humans. Ive still got lots to dig into but im not sure how to do this.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
I have done one formally, lots informally but i feel i want to work the steps properly all the way. Im not up to date with a deep inventory, more superficial, skimming the surface.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I dont have a goal. Im scared to put a time on it because of my fear of failure.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
I feel blocked in many areas. Especially my relationship, its new to me and many of my old behaviiurs have shown themselves again. Im putting my serenity in the hands of mympartner and of course he can never live up to it then i get angry then want to end it. Its fear based again. Fear of abandonment, rejecting.His desire for me ive linked with my self worth andnany hint of him not wanting me makes me behave badly and inset these unattainable expectations as ifnhe can prove his love and of course he cant and then i reject him. Its not a nice feeling and i find i cant enjoy him for who he is im always looking for more than he can give and im frustrated and unhappy with almost every aspect of this relationship. Its all linked in with my distorted thought processes. Its like i never got any recovery and im abck at square 1 agakn. So i need to work these steps or im going to lose him I want emotional sobriety.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
My motives can be based on me trying to get my own way, whether thats through manipulation of my partner because im looking for validation instead of looking within and leaning on my higher power. My motives can also be based on my own desire for short term pleasures like food or sex and its me trying to hide from myself and not feed my inner self with meditation and god.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
Yes
Can I list my positive attributes?
Im determined at times, kind and caring, wise and intelligent, intuitive, friendly, cheerful, independent, .
hotrod said
Sep 9, 2016
Hello awakening Thanks for joining in and sharing with such clarity and honesty It does sound as if you have had an "Awakening" Please do keep coming back.
awakening said
Sep 18, 2016
Step 4, i hope noone minds me sharing this.
I was a neglectful mother. I allowed my children too much independance at a young age, for example i let my 2 yr old son out to play with my 5yr old daughter to a nearby park. I dont know what i was thinking or not. I also left them in alone to go to a nearby shop. One time my daughter called the police because i took too long to get back qnd she got scared. She was only 3 or 4. This was due to laziness on my part, too lazy to take them to the park or to say no to every request, too lazy to get them dressed to go to the shop. The underlying reason i believe was immaturity. I never took my responsibilities as a mother seriously enough. I thought i could do just enough to meet their practical needs and keep them safe. I was obsessed about their emotional needs.
I was also a caring mother, cuddled them a lot, read books to them most evenings, although this became grudged at times, a chore. I tried really hard at times with their diet cooking and making sure they were fed. I breastfed because i learned that was for the best so my intentions were good at times. My mothering was chaotic and confusing and reflected me at that age. I had my first child at 19 and by the time i was 21 i had another. So at 21 i had 2 babies and an alcoholic husband. Is this an excuse. I cant blame him for these incidents, he was at work, it was all my doing. Thanks for reading. Is it okay to post these as they come up?
hotrod said
Sep 18, 2016
Hello awakening It is perfectly fine to post your awareness as they surface. Remember to be gentle with yourself . Being a parent is a difficult job that few of us are truly prepared for
You did the best you could at the time and when we know better we do better. Keep on Keeping on.
Step 4
How easy it can be to justify our own unacceptable behavior. This is how we can excuse ourselves claiming that we were provoked and had no choices. With these and other justifications wed pretend our wrongs don't count. This denial must be overcome when we take the 4th Step.step. With this step we take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. It is fearless because of the strong spiritual foundation we have established in the first 3 Steps. It is moral because we list what is right and wrong in our behavior .
My Share
My first Step 4 was far from fearless. I was extremely terrified to look within because I was afraid I would find that all the terrible things that my family had said about me, over the years were true. I was assured that looking inward was necessary so that I could grow and claim my true self and that I had many hidden attributes that I had ignored over the years and it was important to see and validate them . That was enough incentive to work this step as best as I was able . I looked into all the nooks and crannies of my hidden self and discovered not only the negative destructive weapons I used to survive but I also found many inaccurate false beliefs upon which I had built my belief system
. Much to my amazement I also discovered many positive attributes such as empathy, compassion, intelligence.
I have worked many 4th Steps as I continue to work this program and now it is indeed fearless because today I understand that I am an imperfect human being who has destructive attitudes that hurt me I need to identify them and eliminate them so I can enjoy life. It is a positive act that I take in my own behalf. Thank you alanon
Step 4 Questions
Do I harbor grudges?
Do I resent authority?
Do I judge others harshly?
How did I Judge myself?
Am I fearful?
Am I dishonest?..
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
Can I list my positive attributes?
--
Questions...
1. Do I harbor grudges?
I don't know about grudges but I sure hold on to things that I wish had happened differently. I tend to feel bitter and cheated because of my bad choices and I internalize it all. Then out comes the whip and I beat myself up with it over and over. I am learning to let go and to forgive myself - it's long overdue.
2. Do I resent authority?
I only resent it if it's restrictive and if I feel I'm being micromanaged. Mostly I fear it because I keep waiting for it to "catch me out" and discover that I'm really not a good person underneath all my bravado.
3. Do I judge other harshly?
Yes, I am judgmental - of others and of myself. It's a character flaw that I've used to make myself feel better and more normal than others. It's a bad habit and I've begun to be aware of when i'm doing it and I try to figure out why I do it.
4. Am I fearful?
I used to be very afraid of things, of life, of failure, of being perfect, of not living up to expectation...of pretty much everything. I am less afraid now that I've started becoming more aware of my Higher Power and I've started to have faith that things are as they should be. I feel protected and less alone than ever since coming to Al-Anon and I am learning to be more accepting.
5. Am I dishonest?
Again, I used to be more dishonest than I am now. But I still find myself lying to others, thinking that being dishonest is better than saying what I really feel or think. I was brought up to never lie but I learned early on that lying was something I was pretty good at. But then my conscious would get the best of me and I'd admit my lie. Now that I'm an adult, I don't admit my lies, I just go along pretending it's all ok. Again, something to work on. I find that people don't much care what you're doing as long as it's authentic and true to you. Honesty is a hard thing to get used to.
6. Have I done any family of origin work yet? Have I identified any old beliefs or feelings from the past?
My entire life's journey is about my family of origin and how they have shaped me. I hear my parents' voices daily and can't believe how much influence they've had on me. I have started challenging my beliefs by writing down a question like "Do you really believe this is the only way to...." then I try to see another perspective about it. It's a slow process and no, I haven't honestly done any family of origin work with Al-Anon.
7. Have you already done a 4th Step? N/A because no, I haven't, this is my first.
8. Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I didn't see any suggestions for doing this Step but I am working with my sponsor on it. The entire 12 steps provokes my curiosity and I'm excited to see how I will be once I get to the 12th one! I have been at this step for a while now but it's always in the back of my mind while I go through my day. I have complete faith that I will finish it soon.
9. Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
I never thought of doing a 4th step on a particular issue in life. It's a great idea but I think I'll get through my first one, first. :)
10. Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
I am learning to ask myself what I'm really feeling when something makes me uncomfortable. And I spend my life trying to be right and worse yet, trying to make everyone else agree that I am right! It was very important in my family to be right and it's Al-Anon that has opened my eyes to the damage this can do in relationships. My frustration level has been huge all my life because I've been so busy trying to be right that I've never learned to just be. And to accept that everyone is right and everyone is wrong. So yes, I am learning to examine my motives, sloppily and not very well yet, but I'm learning.
11. Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me?
I do realize this. And it's such a relief to know my HP is there and doesn't expect anything from me but to be willing. It takes a lot of pressure off a person. And it's interesting that you say to removed the negative actions that hurt ME. It has never been about me until Al-Anon and it's great because I'm the one that has to be with me always. I'm the one that has to live with me and I'm the one that has the responsibility for me. Again, so empowering.
12. Can I list my positive attributes?
Funny you should ask this. I used to list my positive attributes from my ego "I'm smarter than you" or "I'm so pretty" etc. Now it's more about being real and yes, I'm smart but I'm no smarter than anyone else. And yes, I'm pretty on the outside, but I was not very pretty on the inside. The positives are easier to find these days, too and it's just a matter of fact now, not a matter of being ego driven. Al-Anon is teaching me that it's ok just to be me.
There's a step 4 study starting soon in my area; I can't attend all 6 of them this time around so this is a good place to start for me.
Do I harbor grudges?
I do. I harbor grudges for the alcoholic in my life although I say I forgive him for his wrong doings--I still harbor grudges for things he continues to choose to do that impact me regardless of my attempt to put up boundaries.
Do I resent authority?\
No. I respect it.
Do I judge others harshly?
yes, especially those I am most threatened by
How did I Judge myself?
I assume I am the one that holds all the answers and when the answers don't work-I assume I am the one that caused the failure. I judge my self for being too forgiving, not forgiving enough; too nice, too passive, to stand offish, etc.
Am I fearful?
yes-fearful of not being perfect, for doing the wrong thing, for others judging my desciions and talking about me when I am not around. I am fearful of others not respecting me for what I want to do with my life.
Am I dishonest?..
at times to protect myself from having to feel the judgement of others.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
no
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
no
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I want to do a fourth step in the next 12 months
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
yes, I am blocking myselve from moving on past the chaos that wasn't healthy and fearful of having to let go of what I thought I wanted to accept things I never thought I could have.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
my motives behind feeling uncomfortable and feeling right come from my own self-esteem issues. I was often seen as the "good kid" that never ruffled feathers so people over looked me for being more than that so I stopped believing in myself.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
yes and no.
Can I list my positive attributes?
I'm funny, I'm intutitive, I'm insightful, logical, responsible, friendly, nice.
Keep coming back
Do I harbor grudges? Yes, but not as much as I used to.
Do I resent authority? Yes, actually more than I used to.
Do I judge others harshly? Yes.
How did I Judge myself? I'm my own worst critic.
Am I fearful? Yes.
Am I dishonest?.. with myself mostly
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
I've done some family of origin work, mostly through a book that is not al-anon approved however. Do we have such a book that is Conference approved? I've only used Blueprint for Progress and The Steps and Traditions book.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
Yes, I've done two in-depth fourth steps in the last 20 years. No, that's why I'm doing them again.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I plan on working through my fourth step again in the next 6 months. It will be an in-depth one, so I'm giving myself more time.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? I feel blocked in the area of dealing with people on a f2f basis. I have been a shut-in with my mom for so long, I do not know how to act, now that she is gone.
Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? Yes.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT? Yes, I'm trying to do that more.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me . Yes.
Can I list my positive attributes? Yes, I am kind, caring and honest. I am long-suffering (not to the point of being a martyr though). I am intelligent and a hard worker. I am very diversified in my experiences and talents.
Hi Lisa Thanks for taking the tmie to share your thoughts with such honesty.
It is lovely to be sharing this journey with you. Glad you are back.
I have been resisting step four! I have various books and methods for approaching it, but I'm going to start with this one. Maybe it will grease the wheels so I can keep going!
Do I harbor grudges?
In general, I don't. However, the behavior I do tend to hold a grudge about is when I have conflict with someone else, and they are not willing to take any ownership of it.... I am willing to look at my part, and they are just interested in pointing a finger at me. I tend to hold onto that grudge.
Do I resent authority? No, I don't. I respect it, and I sometimes give it more power than it should have.
Do I judge others harshly? I'm mostly live and let live. I usually only do so when they are hurtful to me, or refuse to take any ownership, as I mentioned above. That is definitely a trigger, and I often take it personally when it is more about them. And then, I try to look at their point of view, and figure out how to QTIP.
How did I Judge myself? I am always judging myself. Convinced others have life more figured out than I do. Then I judge myself for that judgement too.
Am I fearful? Yes and no. I am fearful about the future...mainly that it will be less abundant, and more challenging, than the past. I am fearful of not finding the right words when conflict arises. I am fearful of being misunderstood.
Am I dishonest?..In general, no. I am candid. My dishonesty mainly comes in the form of withholding my input, especially my feelings, for fear of being judged or misunderstood. Being honest feels really good to me.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past? Yes, I have done a good bit of it through counseling and self reflection over the years.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues? No, this is my first Fourth Step. I do feel up to date with feelings and issues, because, as I have been putting this step off, I have still been paying attention to the issues it involves (such as resentment). Plus, I am self-reflective by nature.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks." I think I am going to need to take my time in doing a Fourth step, but I would like to do it on issues with my husband as quickly as I can. It is a priority right now, that I keep putting off.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? I feel blocked in follow through. There are many things, currently, that I do not follow through on. One is on promptly responding to people who reach out to me. I go through cycles of reaching out and withdrawing - I would like to be more consistent and to figure out why I do this.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT? Yes, I do try to examine my motives with honesty.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me . Yes
Can I list my positive attributes? Kind, compassionate, gentle, sensitive, intelligent, good will towards others, loyal.
Do I resent authority? I resent authority if I think someone is being unfair or cruel. If I respect the person of authority, I don't feel resentment.
Do I judge others harshly? As with grudges, I generally think people mean well, that we all have stories that have built us. I do tend to expect people to do the right thing, mostly to be nice and to be fair and to do a good job.
How did I Judge myself? I think of myself as weak because I'm easily upset and my body reacts to anything harsh by feeling an adrenaline rush and raw sickness that doesn't go away for a long while. People tell me I'm strong, however, that I always show a positive face during crises. What I feel inside isn't what I show outside often.
Am I fearful? Yes. I have a cautious nature and I worry too much. I don't like conflict and try to keep peace.
Am I dishonest?. I'm generally honest if someone asks me something directly, unless I think I will hurt someone. But I will put someone else's feelings or desires before my true feelings often because I don't like conflict or bad feelings.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past? I haven't done family-of-origin work. I have beliefs that family is very important, loyalty to family, that we accept people as they are, that love is important. I tended to seek peace while growing up, to even out family conflicts.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues? No, this is my first fourth step work.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
The idea of a fearless moral inventory made me curious and that we can recognize our destructive behaviors and move past them. I imagine this inventory could take time, that I might come to see new things I didn't expect as I contemplate more.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area? I feel blocked in my ability to help my AD. Yes, I should do a fourth step on this specific issue.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT? I haven't looked at motives yet. I think I should do that when I try the Fourth Step specifically on my blocked area.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
I love the idea that my HP can remove negative actions that hurt me and leave me with courage, serenity, and wisdom. I would like to meditate on that.
Can I list my positive attributes? I'm a good listener and accepting of other people; I feel compassion easily; I'm am efficient and do a job well; I'm curious and imaginative.
Hi HopeforHealing, it looks as if you not only "Hope to Heal" but are actually willing to do the work to achieve the goal . Thanks for sharing your thoughts
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of September 2016 08:50:39 PM
Do I harbor grudges?
Yes, i do. Definately not as much as i did but yes i can harbour grudges at times. I think its linked in with my victim thinking, its the whole they did or didnt do this or that so im their victim. I recognise it as distorted thinking. I can make up stories that i think people in my life are thinking and what their motives are and it can be that they are not treating me or valueing me as i think they should. So i can get angry and then behave in a distant passive aggressive way. I think its fear based and looking for validation from others and expecting them to meet my needs and when they dont i see it as a fault of theirs and i dont feel as worthy and its their fault and i want to distance myself from them. I think its fear of abandonment. I can also feel this way through jealousy and when i see in others things i dont like in myself. Im not accepting and loving all of me so i know its linked closely with how i feel about me.
Do I resent authority?
I can, especially if the authority is judged by me as beneath me in some way. For example if someone in authority is younger than me i can become a bit self rightous and believe they cant possibly be good enough at their job to tell me anything. Ive even used my own spiritual growth to put myself above people sothe only authority i value is spiritual. I get it into my head that others are unhealthy thinkers and therefor not of much value to me on some level. Especially a working environment.
Do I judge others harshly?
I can, i can at times judge others for their beliefs, if i judge it as ignorance or denial. I can judge their views and actions if it doesnt fit in with my own guru status of spirituality. I know people are Gods children and are right where they should be and noone is beneath me or above me and when my heart is open and im not judging i can love anyone and enjoy them in that exact moment and i can leanr and grow from anyone but i cant hold onto this permanently. When i put my self worth in the hands of others rather than in my higher powers hands it blocks me from the connection i want with others because i get fearful they will judge me or reject me so i deflect that fear and judge them first.
How did I Judge myself?
Usually harshly. I seem to get stuck with the distorted thi king when it comes to my own self talk. Im never good enough for me. I dont work this program good enough, i dont do my job good enough, im not a good enough friend or partner, im not good enough with my money or my housework or cooking etc. In every aspect of my life i dont seem to put in enough effort by my own judgment. Im lazy and do just enough whcih is never enough. I leave everything to the last minute so then i rush and of course this is never enough. Its like im terrified of failure so i need an excuse so when its not good enough then i can say well i never had enough time, when actually ive delibrately left it too late. Procrastination is my go to and its a block for me and stops me reaching me true potential.
Am I fearful?
I think im fearful and i hide it under a tough exterior. I react in an abrupt way so i dont see the fear as its in me. Only when i analyse myself can i see that im full of fear still. Even though i got rid of lots of fear, it still drives so much of my behaviours. I habe tools so i try hard not to do the what ifs but when i look at any of my behaviours i dont like the underlying cause is fear. Deep fear of abandonment and failure has a strong impact on my attitude and behaviours and how i relate to others.
Am I dishonest?..
Yes, i lie to mysefl because i justify my bad attitude or bad behaviours. I tell myself, ive done the work, ive got awareness, my ego inflates and i sit on that and use it to justify why im right and i lie to myself because ive still got a lot of work to do, more digging inside to do but my perfectionism wont let me do it because i have a fear of failure and dont have the courage to look within even though i know thatshow i got free of so much.
Have you done any family-of-origin work yet? Have you identified any old beliefs or any feelings from the past?
Im not sure what this means. I have looked at a lot of my old belief systems and identified them from my childhood and have discarded many of them. Im open to choosing a new way to think and identifying many of my insecurities from my childhood and i have mostly forgiven my family and acxepted they gave me what they had to give as imperfect humans. Ive still got lots to dig into but im not sure how to do this.
Have you already done a Fourth Step? Do you feel up-to-date with feelings and issues?
I have done one formally, lots informally but i feel i want to work the steps properly all the way. Im not up to date with a deep inventory, more superficial, skimming the surface.
Did any of the suggestions for doing this Step provokes your curiosity? You may want to set a reasonable goal for doing this Step. You can write your goal down and give yourself as much time as you want. For instance, "I want to do a Fourth Step in the next eighteen months." Or, "I want to do the Fourth Step in the next three weeks."
I dont have a goal. Im scared to put a time on it because of my fear of failure.
Do you feel blocked in any area of your life? Do you think it might be helpful to do a Fourth Step on that area?
I feel blocked in many areas. Especially my relationship, its new to me and many of my old behaviiurs have shown themselves again. Im putting my serenity in the hands of mympartner and of course he can never live up to it then i get angry then want to end it. Its fear based again. Fear of abandonment, rejecting.His desire for me ive linked with my self worth andnany hint of him not wanting me makes me behave badly and inset these unattainable expectations as ifnhe can prove his love and of course he cant and then i reject him. Its not a nice feeling and i find i cant enjoy him for who he is im always looking for more than he can give and im frustrated and unhappy with almost every aspect of this relationship. Its all linked in with my distorted thought processes. Its like i never got any recovery and im abck at square 1 agakn. So i need to work these steps or im going to lose him I want emotional sobriety.
Have I examined my "Motives" when I feel uncomfortable or RIGHT?
My motives can be based on me trying to get my own way, whether thats through manipulation of my partner because im looking for validation instead of looking within and leaning on my higher power. My motives can also be based on my own desire for short term pleasures like food or sex and its me trying to hide from myself and not feed my inner self with meditation and god.
Do I realize that alanon never asks HP to add anything to my world (except: courage, serenity and wisdom) and only to remove the negative actions that hurt me .
Yes
Can I list my positive attributes?
Im determined at times, kind and caring, wise and intelligent, intuitive, friendly, cheerful, independent, .
I was a neglectful mother. I allowed my children too much independance at a young age, for example i let my 2 yr old son out to play with my 5yr old daughter to a nearby park. I dont know what i was thinking or not. I also left them in alone to go to a nearby shop. One time my daughter called the police because i took too long to get back qnd she got scared. She was only 3 or 4. This was due to laziness on my part, too lazy to take them to the park or to say no to every request, too lazy to get them dressed to go to the shop. The underlying reason i believe was immaturity. I never took my responsibilities as a mother seriously enough. I thought i could do just enough to meet their practical needs and keep them safe. I was obsessed about their emotional needs.
I was also a caring mother, cuddled them a lot, read books to them most evenings, although this became grudged at times, a chore. I tried really hard at times with their diet cooking and making sure they were fed. I breastfed because i learned that was for the best so my intentions were good at times. My mothering was chaotic and confusing and reflected me at that age. I had my first child at 19 and by the time i was 21 i had another. So at 21 i had 2 babies and an alcoholic husband. Is this an excuse. I cant blame him for these incidents, he was at work, it was all my doing. Thanks for reading. Is it okay to post these as they come up?
Hello awakening It is perfectly fine to post your awareness as they surface. Remember to be gentle with yourself . Being a parent is a difficult job that few of us are truly prepared for
You did the best you could at the time and when we know better we do better. Keep on Keeping on.