4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

 "Why do I have to beat myself up in writing?  I already know I suck."

Well, first, you don't suck.  Next, you're not trying to beat yourself up with this step.  You're trying to draw a blueprint for recovery.

In order to work a navigation device needs to know not just where you want to go but where you presently are.  The inventory is just an honest update of where you are as a person.  Yes, you do need to look at your moral failings, but you also need to look at your moral strengths.  You need to get a total picture of what you have to work with to get through the twelve step process.  So just write down the information without blame, without recrimination.  Recalculate your route.

  I dwelt on this topic for a while, James...

   I tried to work out blame and shame- in my head... no dice...

     I sucked so much even the steps seemed unapproachable...

                                                                  -but not so much now...

                                                                                                     ...thanks...