Step One

 

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

C2C reading page 240

When I was dealing with alcoholism without the help of Al-Anon, I developed coping skills. These are no longer enough. Al-Anon is teaching me a new and better skills. I will try to be patient with myself. I am doing fine." As long as you live, keep learning how to live

 

My share

 

This  step  certainly appeared daunting to me when I first entered the rooms of Al-Anon.  I had tried everything:  counseling, religion, self help groups  and nothing worked so I had no place else to go. I  decided that I would stay and try to implement the tools that  Al-Anon  had to offer. because I had no where else to go . When I confronted the First Step, I realized that  I certainly did feel powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic,however I felt if I admitted that I was powerless , then the alcoholic and alcohol would  gain the upper hand and I would be destroyed .

At first, I could not take the first step,  without also moving into the second step where I would "come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."   I could not stand out there in the world  alone, being powerless, frightened and fearful without some assurance that life could get better and I would be okay.

I slowly but surely began to practice the first step by also  using the slogans such as Let Go and Let God, How important is it, Don't React, Keep the focus on yourself(your motives)  and the serenity prayer. Each one of these tiny little tools helped me gain my sanity and move forward.

I was forced to hit step one when I wound up at my doctors needing valium to sleep and antidepressants to function. That was when i couldn't deny the impact anothers addiction was having on me. I continue to hit steo one, having developed a very real anger problem. Qtip is my most valuable tool. Since coming into alanon, i came to accept a long held suspicion that I too am an alcoholic.
However, by focusing on anothers, i was able to avoid myself.
I truly beleived anyone could white knuckle it, just the way I had for years and years and that I had all the solutions to anothers addiction.
How wrong I was. No matter what one holds or knows to be true for oneself, over others we are indeed powerless.
Battling against this truth just takes away all the energy needed for actual living.
Before recovery, i had become quite isolated. I was caught up in the disease and miserable. Today we (my kids and I )have friends, are familiar in our community, and for the most part, we are living as opposed to existing.
Career wise, i put my life in reverse by having children with a person incapable of nurturing and helping, so mentally and emotionally, I still have a lot of work to do to overcome this mistake. 

I have come to accept,  it's not about me.  Nothing i do,  no matter how well i do it,  no matter how beautiful a family and home is, alcoholism doesn't care. I was trying to whitewash alot of pain when I chose this relationship.  A bit like breaking your leg to take your mind off your broken arm!  Not good. Long consequences.

Im very much a work in progress. I am powerless over the actions of another, and that other is powerless over alcohol. It helps me to remember that. He's sick.... But im not going to get sick with him anymore.  Anger has been a nasty side effect that i am continuing to work on.  Meetings help me the most and literature And now I've a place to do stepwork with others no matter where I am. 

Betty, thank you beautiful lady for your service.

Good Morning A41 Thank you for your honesty and clarity . I can easily identify, as I too fought against powerlessness, and had a child with someone who was incapable of being of supportive or nurturing. Anger was my best friend because it amke me feel poerful and motivated me to action . Today with program, I have learned that anger is destructive to my serenity and I value serenity more than any thing. Meetings the slogans and the Steps are the key to freedom . I have heard it said, if you are lost in the forest it takes only 12 Steps to find your way out
Glad you are here A41, I admire your program and little family.

((Skorpi)) Thank you so very much for your in depth response to this challenging Step. I could readily identify as I also found that my destructive tools were used in all my interactions in the world not just with the disease alcoholism .
It is interesting to face the issues, trace them as you have done and then bless them and ask HP to show another way. Program works when we work it and I am pleased to be sharing the journey with you.  Missed you on the main message board

Share: (edited for legibility) 

My first time working through the steps was more directly involved with active drinking and my qualifier. This time is from a step back, a slightly wider lens as I and my qualifier have traveled along the path of recovery.

This time hits with some realizations of feelings of unmanageability that I have been stuffing down and hiding from myself, not one of my typical characteristics. I feel like I am waking up after being on autopilot for awhile, having been in somewhat of a rut, working on some areas but just reacting automatically to others.

Time to wake up, step up, and take control of my decisions in areas that I have been sleepwalking through...
Here is my stab at the questions, I arranged them in a slightly different format for my preference. Thank you so much for your service Betty, and for everyone else on this journey
***********************
Step 1 Questions:

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?

Yes. I realize that I am much better at accepting my powerlessness over alcohol with my qualifier, but have allowed unmanageability to reemerge because I have tried to exert influence on other areas of my qualifiers and my life/relationship.

2. Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

With active drinking much less of a problem, I have been running ahead with plans that originated with me, the way I think they should be, what I think my qualifier should do in areas of career and future. This turns out to be putting pressure on my qualifier and is a source of stress.

3. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?

Thanks to the program, I realize that I am. I have unfairly, and inaccurately assumed that we were on the same page as far as goals and means to achieve them. I recognized our differences in communication, processing concepts, etc, but assumed they came from the drinking. Each time the drinking stopped, I thought Ok, here we go, now were going to move forward with out goals. The reality is that we are very different people, and I have not allowed my qualifier the room to explore, grow, and fill out those areas in recovery. My continued efforts to force us together ignored the possibility that it is more healthy for us to move forward as healthy individuals rather than a strained, mismatched couple. As AlAnon suggests, alcohol is not responsible for all of the challenges we experience.

4. Whom do you feel victimized by?

Fortunately, no one except myself. I have made choices that were not healthy at times, but that is something I can improve on. I can walk away from those who would do me harm.

5. Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?

Ultimately, it is me. I get into trouble, however, when I hand the controls over to someone or something else and allow my serenity and peace to get hijacked. The program reminds me that I, and no one else, determines my choices.

6. What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

I have second guessed myself, my feelings about what I needed, have put unrealistic expectations on myself and others, and repeatedly ignored warning signs and unpleasantness in the insane hope that something different would result from my efforts.

7. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?

The prospect of walking away from a relationship that I have put an incredible amount of time, effort, emotion into; a fantasy story of reunion. Facing a pattern of pursuing and shaping what I wanted to happen rather than living life on lifes terms, letting others be themselves and allowing me to continue to reduce the size of my circle of control.

8. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I have allowed fear and someone elses belief of what should be to shape my decisions. When/if I step up and take responsibility for my own decisions, based on what is good for me rather than what I fear or on what another thinks should happen, I will feel the consequences of my choices, more in control of my own destiny, more at peace regardless of the outcome.

9. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability?

Relationship, some career...just those

10. What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?

Better than the first time through the steps, and for that I am very grateful to the program and the fellowship. It is a good opportunity to look at my progress in these areas, but also see where I can benefit from reevaluating my powerlessness in these areas, seeing where the unmanageability has been creeping up. I need to peel back another layer of the recovery onion in these areas and let go of my illusion of control.

11. What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

Hmmm...what are those exactly? Haha...I need to pick up my guitar more, that is something that brings incredible enjoyment and peace.

12. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.?

My relationship with my family of origin remains virtually nonexistent, but is better nonetheless in how I hold it in my mind and heart. Work relationship has also improved greatly with application of AlAnon principles. I can say that every relationship is better.

13. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

I have moved around the country for many years, and have allowed myself to become isolated; this area could use some work. I killed my Facebook account out of disgust, so by modern standards I no longer exist...oh how will I manage? I believe I will survive, but need to up my game and target a few, select relationships, perhaps in areas of interest. I think my isolation puts a bit more pressure on the relationships that I have in terms of expectations. Number and quality of social relationships is a solid predictor of wellbeing, so while I think I am doing better than predicted based on numbers, I need to grow this side.

This is the first time I have actively sought support through a group, though I have tried to do the steps on my own previously. I grew up with an alcoholic father who is a third-generation alcohol abuser. As a result my mother had depression, and my brother and his wife are also lifelong active users of substances. In me, the disease manifests as no boundaries and a sense of powerlessness. I struggle enormously at work, with relationships there, and with family relationships. My obsessive thinking and trying to control my life constantly has left me exhausted and helpless. I am tired of trying to force life to be what I think it should and then nothing changes. I seek peace and serenity. That's all I want now.

Questions:

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where, in reality, you have none?

I have always tried to influence my father, to get him to stop drinking. I get 'bossy' with my parents, I react to things too easily and try to stop my father from drinking through shock tactics and truth-telling. I don't like myself afterwards. Sometimes I still try and change and influence the behaviour of those close to me, but I am getting better with this. Mostly, I try to control myself, or exert power over my life through overwork and obsessing mentally, which never works. It makes me exhausted and a nervous wreck. Generally though I try to run away from my own power or influence over others, through a tendency to isolate.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by?

I  have a habit of choosing key parent-type figures in my life, then pushing against them. The discomfort of work and those in authority over me, even when I'm not there, is huge. I obsess over it. I feel like it controls my emotional state. My father, when he is drinking, can also make me feel crazy, and very reactive.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone/something? What might happen if you stopped allowing something or someone to control you?

I'm afraid of spinning out of control, of having nothing, of having no more opportunities if I change anything, or don't put others first. I'd have to deal with time, and my own choices, and empty space. I feel an emptiness when I am not needed, or when I'm not earning money and so being 'useful.'

4. Areas of unmanageability: work, blood family, productivity, emotions, enjoyment and pleasure

5. Current state of relationships:

Family: I always feel nervous when contacting my blood family. I feel sometimes that it is always me making the effort, being the person who initiates contact, yet I also try to control that contact, i.e. only when I'm feeling really strong enough to handle it. I have good friends although I often don't make enough time for simply spending enjoyable time with them. With co-workers, I am always second-guessing and paranoid about what everyone is thinking about me. I have no boundaries, and sometimes feel over-familiar and other times feel alone and uncertain. I have a very difficult time with an authority figure, and often feel like a doormat. In all these areas I have been feeling stuck, wanting to move on, especially regarding work, but terrified and uncertain how to.

Al

Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.

C2C reading page 240
When I was dealing with alcoholism without the help of Al-Anon, I developed coping skills. These are no longer enough. Al-Anon is teaching me a new and better skills. I will try to be patient with myself. I am doing fine." As long as you live, keep learning how to live

My share

This is not my first rodeo. I had come to recovery when my husband was dealing with a meth addiction 6 years ago. He was in a 90 day rehab, and I was told to keep away and seek Narc-anon, or Al-anon. I did. I gained clarity and I did find peace. Until he was released. I did not want him back. But, my son was only 10 at the time, and my now recovering husband was using his program and doing and saying all the "right" things. After 30 days I allowed him back into the house. I had many triggers, so I kept up my program long after her abandoned his... because he was you know, "cured." A few years went by that although I was damaged goods when it came to trusting people, our family life was good. Then came the addict behaviors. You know the ones. The things they used to do while using, but aren't using at the moment. I relied on testing. It gave me peace of mind, and vindication for my husband. But as time wore on, I kept complaining of these behaviors. Never did I think alcohol was a problem. He hid it very well... at least until the side-health-effects became unbearable. Then came the doctor visits and tests. Last June was when he first admitted to doctor that he had a "6 month drinking binge due to the death of my father." I was shocked, but I didn't immediately think "alcoholic!" IT took months of me silently thinking that he was drinking until I found him one night passed out in bed with a bottle of vodka. At that moment, all the signs instantly became clear and I felt like such a fool! The difference this time was that I KNEW I WAS POWERLESS OVER THIS ADDICTION TOO! But it took me a couple of weeks lurking on the MIP boards to understand that I was trying to direct HIS way to the 12 steps. I had to accept that I did not have control over that either! That was when I signed up online and began sharing. Right now I rely on DETACHING. It is the only way I can keep him in the house. I remind myself of the three C's and I try very hard to not react... to Pause before I do anything.

I believe Step 2 will be difficult for me as I have lost faith in my HP.

Step One questions


1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?
Yes. Before I came to the program (again), I kept reminding my AH of my boundary. Namely, for him to stay in the house, he had to be actively seeking help - going to meetings, seeing his sponsor and or seeing a psychologist. So each day I would ask if he had gone, or if he was going to go.

Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?
My AH has only been to one meeting. Even though he talks about needing to see a psych almost daily, he never does. Due to this, I had lost my serenity in my home and in my mind.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?
Whom do you feel victimized by?
Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?
This is all about my AH. I believe he was controlling my emotions b/c for about a year now he has been saying his condition was due to this or that... never due to his hidden drinking.When his health had gotten so bad, he finally relented and I took him to see all sorts of specialists. This cost us THOUSANDS. In the end, all of the problems were/are caused by the excessive alcohol. I spent so much of the last year worrying about cancer, or some other ailment - it was something different each week it seemed like! I felt like nothing I did helped him to get better. Even though I had suspicions that he was drinking, I didn't want to believe it... I didn't want to think that this man who "beat" meth addiction was now having a problem with alcohol and I was going to be going down the same road as before. I must say that I carry a lot of anger... we lost all our savings due to his meth addiction, and still to this day live paycheck to paycheck. The fact that his lies have cost of thousands in medical debt not to mention all the money he has wasted on alcohol, when we struggle each month drives me insane! We cannot afford to send our brilliant son to college, cannot afford a home, or anything else. And to top it off... everything is ALWAYS about him! His aches, his pains, his depression. But even though he says he wants to keep the family together, wants to get better, it is never about his program, his progress.

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?
What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?
I would have to face the fact that I would have to support myself and my teen on a job that pays minimum wage. I would have to admit that taking him back 6 years ago was a HUGE mistake. I would have to admit that someone (me) that said "wouldn't allow this to happen ever again" has allowed it to happen again.

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect un manageability?
What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?
I found that I try and micro-manage my teen son's school success. I want so badly for him to succeed. The small amount of time I have been back to this program has made me see that part of me has gotten out of hand.

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.?
My family are very supportive of me and my needs. My AH's family are either "tough-love" types, or are enablers. I am trying to keep a low profile from those family members as they don't support me. Most of my friends don't know what's going on. I've shared this with only 2 friends. Both are supportive, but one has been through this, but not multiple times. She is also self-sustaining, so I feel that it's hard for her to always see my view of things. None of my co-workers know about this.
Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

Before I knew about the drinking, there was some isolation, b/c all our friends always invited us both to things, but my AH would never go. I finally got fed up and began attending things on my own, just telling everyone that my AH was "very ill" And he was... I just didn't know the root cause. Now I just do my own thing... partly because I am so pissed off at this whole ordeal, and partly because I am trying to practice detachment. I don't have to be drawn into his drama every night... I can be free to enjoy myself and my friends.

Thank you for your service!

Hello and thank you all for being here, this is definitely where I need to be.

I have been a "cafeteria 12-stepper" in that I have stopped for a bite here and there when my life feels especially challenging, but I have not made program an integral part of my daily life. I suspect this is part of the reason why I continue to slide into periods of deep dysfunction. I have no serenity in my life and I am suffering. I am trying to crawl out of a pretty deep hole at the moment and this step feels perfect for me right now.

tep 1 Questions:

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none?

Absolutely, in almost every area of my life where I feel uncertain or sense potential danger. My instinctive response is to play Higher Power in an effort to control, or to predict, the actions of others. This has led me to unmanagability and nothing more. I haven't gotten the security I need.

2. Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

Yes. My efforts to control others have resulted in making me crazy. I have lost the serenity I had before current stressful events occurred, which I dealt with by using control. It hasn't worked and I realize it will never work. The solution is to back out of my HP's way.

3. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress?

I am stressed by several different situations all going on at once, both at home and at work. I do feel that I am choosing to experience an unbearable level of stress when I do not use program tools such as the first three steps - I can't, HP can, I'll let them!

4. Whom do you feel victimized by?

A toxic working environment, my spouse, my spouse's out of control teenage son, and another individual who lives in a building where we own a rental unit.

5. Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life?

I always feel that I am in control of my emotions and actions, ultimately. My fear and panic arising from several stressful and potentially threatening situations has derailed my judgment and driven me away from my HP and the program tools that I know work, because I have used them before.

6. What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

Workplace drama, a condominium bully and a marriage which has conflict much of the time - too much conflict in my opinion.

7. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something?

That I am responsible for my happiness and that I have a world of choices open to me. That I have to find something other than fear to base my life's decisions around. That I need to figure out what direction I want the rest of my life to take (I am almost 50 and feel that an important crossroads is approaching).

8. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

I might find serenity and peace. I would be happier and freer.

9. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability?

My marriage, my relationships with co-workers and others, my relationship with myself.

10. What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career?

Emotions - not good; finances - decent; spirituality - not good; physical health - not good; career - not good

11. What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

I am trying to take quiet time to meditate and get back in touch with my HP. I leave WhatsApp messages for my best (and at this time only) friend. I enjoy spending time with my spouse when we are not in conflict. I enjoy taking walks and getting out into nature.

12. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers.?

Family - good; friends - only have one and see them infrequently, but we WhatsApp regularly; co-workers - due to ongoing workplace drama at the moment that is NOT resolved - poor. Marriage; inconsistent, sometimes we are very close and other times we fight terribly in a very dysfunctional way. This bothers me but my spouse seems undisturbed.

13. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

I do have relationships but I need more friends and a healthier workplace. I do feel very isolated most of the time.

Hello MamaKazie Thank you for your honesty and clarity.   This is a huge Step and i am pleased that you had the courage to reach out and share.

Alanon meetings helped me to keep showing up and connecting, as I walked this difficult journey. Please do keep coming back here as well.

Good morning, I have been going to a meeting each week for about 4 months. I started when my 20 year old daughter, S, ended up in the hospital for the second time due to drinking and we took her home from college.  She has been sober and a part of AA since Feb 23. Al anon has helped me so much, not only with her but with other relationships in my life. I have many addictive personalities even if they are not actively using. I began answering some questions about Step one and will continue but here's the one's I've done. Grateful for finding this forum because it is difficult for me to get to more than one meeting a week but I really want to work the program more seriously!

Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?

I do accept it however if S started drinking again Im not sure I wouldnt try to control it.  I am learning to accept that I cant control another persons behavior. Knowing it and acting on it is different. I still find myself wanting to prepare other people for situations that may happen in order to avoid conflict although less so than I used to. Or when someone is acting in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable I try to change the environment so they stop acting that way.

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

I know that people all have their own reactions, etc. that differ from mine. I am learning to sit with that even when it is uncomfortable for me.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

I think I do - or rather that addiction is a disease BUT I think that the addict has the ability to control picking up the first drink or first whatever. Makes me more compassionate while in recovery but I would be angry and sad and disappointed if she started to drink. Especially knowing what she knows. I dont have anyone in my life that is actively alcohol but I do have people in my life who have addictive tendencies and when they are behaving that way i mostly feel annoyed. I will try to look at that behavior differently next time.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Trying to change other people has never worked. I usually do it to avoid emotional pain or upheaval in my house. When I try to change other people it is unsuccessful.  I have tried to change people by making suggestions about things he/she could try.  It depends whether that person has asked for suggestions or if Im giving unsolicited advice (never a good idea). Or the time period of change is short.

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I have used manipulation and dishonesty (half truths or leaving off information) mostly.  Being honest and getting my needs met by me rather than someone else (scary sometimes). Having an open conversation and knowing that I can't have what I want at the second I want it sometimes. Threats.

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? 

I feel sad, frustrated and sometimes angry. Sometimes I withdraw, sometimes Ive yelled.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

Id probably feel relieved - like a weight was lifted but Id have to learn to sit with feeling uncomfortable. Like when D (my husband) is in a mood and I just want peaceful surroundings sometimes I am just trying to get the tension to stop. The times I have walked away it is better because the mood doesnt escalate.

How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?

Certain people I have no problem doing that with but I still dont like the mood created when there are problems. Or when theres a stupid household problem and D freaks out but its a joint problem since its about the house.  I am usually able to let larger problems go - the ones I know I cant fix. I may still feel sad or wish things were different though. Like I wish E (my older daughter - 23) could feel comfortable with herself and I wish D wouldn't be so angry. And then there is a fine line between parenting with S and E and trying to solve their problems.  But I'm learning.

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

 No and No

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel protective over the people I love - especially S. When anyone says anything negative I feel like I need to explain it away - even if its valid. Im not sure why that is. I feel protective over my dad and sister too.  Like they will not be understood for who they are maybe.

Hi Obscured by Clouds  I did not begin to work the steps until I was in program for nearly a years  I found the slogans were a short cut to the Steps and enabled me to call on them instantly when in doubt or difficulty.

The small poem below  helped me in this regard:

Getting a sponsor also helpedme to process the  program in a healhy manner.

I know that I could not work this step" admit my powerlessness over people, places and things "without including Step 2 where I found a belief in a Power greater than myself.  I thought that If I admitted powerlessness then others would have the power and destroy me.  Not so     Do keep coming back