Step Nine - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injuse them or others. From: Al-Anon Works pg. 60. (copyright 1995, by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. With this step, we have the oppertunity to choose the kind of person we would like to become and the kinds of relationships we would like to be involved. By making amends, we admit that we are human like everyone else and cease to set ourselves apart from others. We do not beat ourselves up for having made mistakes, we merely admit that we made them and do what we can to correct them. Our actions show that we have enough respect for ourselves and others to own up to the harm we have done. We commit ourselves to justice. We demonstrate that we wish to be fair, honest, and mature. Step Nine is not about relieving our guilt at the expense of others, nor is it about setting ourselves up for abuse. The purpose o Step Nine is to do what we can to heal ourselves and our relationships, and to set ourselves free. Love you all - Dot

hi Dot thanks for the welcome on the last post. And what you said about amends yeah I’m glad you got to do that before he died. It made me think too , I was saying that my sponsor did not recommend the amend I wanted to make , but were this person to die ( hopefully not ) I would be glad too that I made it ! it’s a different story of course but that amend did get me into some deep water though , like the sponsor said he used it to justify his behaviour. But then I find recovery is like that sometimes , is not easy is it , it’s not always a black or white right/wrong thing exactly. I make mistakes in the recovery process ! maybe ideally I would have not ‘overdone’ the amend so much. Mixed in was perhaps a wanting to ‘make myself feel better’ , if you know what I mean , a mixture of things I couldn’t see at the time which wasn’t totally pure. Hopefully in spite of stumbling , gradually I learn what kind of amends are worth doing without causing more harm . And in what way , too , some people like to just amend themselves I’ve heard them say , that we don’t always have to make an obvious amend ,sometimes it’s just trying to correct the behaviour , isn’t it , or waiting for ‘HP’ to do it or something . And this hopefully leads to more self acceptance I think , lol Vicky x

thank you very much, vicky, for that honest and insightful share. Your perspectives give me a lot to think about and learn from. yeah,, even in recovery we make mistakes,, and I guess it is partly what we do about our mistakes that is part of our recovery.  I used to think the world was going to end if I made a mistake. I would definitely get a beating or strong scolding. And the Higher Power definitely fits in there, eh? forgiving and working things out. And I know what you mean about our motives for doing certain things not being 'pure'. It is really a plus that you can be so honest, and learn from even the mistakes on the journey. That's the real humility and teachableness that the program talks about. Thank you for being an inspiration to me in this.

love in recovery,

amanda

Hi Vicky - I agree - we sometimes can get mixed up in the action of making the amends and lose sight of the fact that the amends is for us whatever the outcome and we feel better when the job is done. I've learned that when I have an amends to make I try to keep it on what I did or said and make no mention of their part - so as not to blame another person for my actions. Glad you're with us - please keep coming back. Love - Dot (((Vicky)))

hi thanks Dot , yeah that's kind of different from what my first sponsor said but I see what you mean if I wanted to make that amend why think about what he would do with it . I guess she kind of made things complicated in a way but she was good in her way though , she was someone with very definite ideas about how to do things but probably I really needed that to start with. well this is making me look again at the CAL . And I'm reminded that it says to make a list of amends in order of which ones to do first. Or in columns. ' When all of the persons we have harmed are listed the task of making amends may seem overwhelming. To make it manageable , we approach one person at a time and one event at a time. To begin it is best to refer to our Step Eight list and begin with the 'yes' list. Working through the easier amends helps us build courage for considering the harder ones at a later time. ' ' Step 9 calls for direct amends except when to do so might cause further injury . We want to be careful that we aren't trying to achieve our personal serenity at the expense of someone else. Reviewing our intended amends with a sponsor or another Alanon friend helps us consider our motivation and the consequences of our intended actions ' well I don't have a sponsor at the moment because it turned into a sort of guru thing in my mind but I have a kind of co-sponsor , I guess each case is different , and how you'd deal with it is different eg direct/indirect amends . It's kind of baffling in a way though because that amend I made to that A , it got me into a kind of guilt thing with him where he was able to get money from me because he thought I'd harmed him. Actually the same person as it happens currently I'm largely keeping away from as far as possible because we decided he needed that kind of space at the moment , so the amending can also change like that I find as you go along . And yet I still don't regret it , this was one of my alcoholic relatives that I'm very keen on and top of my list for any constructive amends . I like the way you simplified it though . Yeah once you've decided on an amend , then why mention their part in it . lol Vickyr x 'just for today I will read something that requires thought effort and concentration' CAL leaflets