Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior? I am working to accept that I cannot control another persons behavior even though I want to because I am so affected by my ah behavior.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? No I do not trust my own feelings. Sometimes because I am so confused, I do not even know how I am feeling. I go from happy (when dh is sober) to mad, sad, angry, scared and unsure all in the same day.
How well do I take care of myself? I try to eat well, exercise as best as I can. But at the same time I am lost to who I am because I put all of my focus on ah and his sobriety. I also try to overdo for my kids, other family members and friends. I have trouble saying no.
How do I feel when I'm alone? I do not like to be alone for long periods of time.
If I say yes when I want to say no. What happens to my life when I do that? I do it and exhaust myself. Most of the time it frustrates my ah.
Do I take care of others easily but find it difficult to take care of myself? Yes
hotrod said
Oct 1, 2017
Hi Kathy Good work Now on to Step 2
Marsol said
Oct 13, 2017
Marsol
I am beginning to accept that I cant change, control her drinking behavior.
No ... I do not trust my own feelings. Most of the time, I am confused
I really do not take care of myself. I do not care
I feel happy when I am alone
This happens most of the time.... I say "yes" when I should say "No" ..... my life becomes more out of control
Yes I like to take care of others.....
nursedebbi said
Oct 14, 2017
do I accept I cannot control another's behavior? I can accept this altho at times I find myself feeling responsible or guilty for the outcomes of others behavior. my son died a year ago of accumulation of years of addictions. he was 32. the occurances right before his death that involved me still weigh on me.
do I trust my feelings? do I know what they are? my feelings have been negative/sad for some time now. I don't like to feel. being numb seems to be better.
how well do I take care of myself? in my head I do know what I need to do to take care of myself. do I do it? not really. I have been searching inside myself for a reason to live.
how do I feel when I am alone? don't I wish! I leave for work about a half hour early and sit in my car before going in. that's the alone time I have. on the other side of the coin..... I fear the aloneness I see on the horizon with hubbies dementia. the total opposite....no aloneness to total aloneness.
saying yes when I want to say no? in other words putting others before myself. it can be frustrating.
taking care of others easily vs taking care of myself? it used to be that way. now I am equal on it. not much motivation to take care of anyone or myself beyond what is necessary.
hotrod said
Oct 14, 2017
((Nurse Debbie)) I can readily relate to the loss of a son to this disease as well as the ongoing pain related to the loss.
I found alanon meetings and the Steps helped me to work through my grief and forgive myself for any "imagined or real" incidents that still held me hostage
Please keep on keeping on.
Faith40 said
Oct 19, 2017
I have reached acceptance that I cannot control the behaviour of the alcoholic but the longer I am in the program I realise my control issues reach much further now. I accept I cannot control , but I have to really work hard to do this daily. At the moment it's hard work as I have to examine my motives and often check in with alanon friends as my natural response is control so I have to work against what comes naturally to me .
I am beginning to trust my own feelings now I am getting a better relationship with my Hp . I'm letting go of my problems now and consciously passing them over. I am finding for today this is giving me peace as I've stopped the internal battle of trying to force solutions. When I am in a program frame of mind I'm starting to trust my feelings and get them but I find the minute my serenity is jangled this all goes to pot. It's quite interesting that I can see a really big distinction between the healthy me and the unhealthy one
Again only lately. Like most of us others have always come before me so I tend to be on my knees before I pay attention. I've lately had quite bad health and it's given me a kick to value myself and take a bit of care of me. What I'm finding is with most of this stuff the healthy side does not come naturally so I need to really put some focus on me and my needs daily to endure health care. Simple things reducing caffeine. Eating healthy, getting rest . When I'm in a spin I completely neglect care of self. Again I can now see this but need to work on a way to accept when I'm anxious to pass it over and continue the self care
I love being alone now . I used to hate it but now I get to read, meditate and just be. It's amazing and to rare in my life at the moment.
It depends on the person . Some people in my life I still say yes to when j want to say no and it makes me resentful . I did say no to something yesterday and I felt guilty but relieved.
I still spend more time taking care of others than myself, but not adults anymore, they are adults and can take care of themselves and this feels good .
hotrod said
Oct 19, 2017
Hello Faith thanks for participating and for sharing your thoughts on Step One. Reaching "acceptance of our powerlessness" is extremely important. I know that I need to reaffirm this acceptance to myself daily. Keep on keeping on
ks858585 said
Oct 21, 2017
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?
logically i feel like i do. however if i analyze my behavior and responses to people i make attempts constantly to get people to react, think the way that i think that they should. on some level i believe i am smart enough or can do just the right thing to get the results that i desire.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
through a very slow and grouling process of realizing it after the fact, after i have had expectations and to remember that my way isnt the only way to see things. On some level i think that people must be making some concieous decision to behave or be different than i would be as if my way is the way everyone thinks and people must be intentionally doing things to piss me off.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
i do accept that alcoholism is a disease, i think. Attempting to look at someone as if they are sick instead of as if they are just intentional assholes setting out to wreck my day.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
yes. i have tried to change my children into angels. my father into someone that respects and values me, my stepmom into someone that must submit to me rather than vice versa.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
thrown fits, been rude, not been direct or pushed guilt on someone to get what i want. ignoring people or not giving them attention unless they meet my need. what might work better is if i asked directly for what i wanted and needed and was willing to hear an unfavorable response and be ok with it and leave it at that or look for my needs to be met elsewhere.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Hurt, unvalues, inadequate, less than, angry, bitter, resentful, withdrawn, I get quite or avoid. secretly plot ways to hurt them back or fantasize about their demise not at my hands so i dont have to feel guilty. at the end of each day for the past 6 months or so i have prayed for them to get happiness health and prosperity everything that i want and more. so there is some good. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
they could be free to be themselves and we could not have tension and turmoil spewing from my pores while I am around them. I could be free to be myself without fear or worry of attempting to control.
How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?
stay focused on myself. if im getting tangled up talk to my HP and ask for it to be taken and removed. talk to support to be reminded of what i am in charge of.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
i am constantly looking for a quick fix, or to hurry up and do the work so that i can get the relief. i avoid the actual experience often in hopes that i will get to skip it by intellectualizing it just enough.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
At work i feel like i need to be the one to lighten the load and to take on extra because i am so much more capable than your average human. In most aspects of my life i feel the need to bare the extra burden because i have "the best" perspective on how to handle situations.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses behavior?
I feel embarrased about some of my male friends in fear that people will assume we are a couple and judge me. I feel embarrased when my children behave badly because i believe that people are looking at me and blaming me for my lack of participation in their lives and because they must get that from something i have done or taught them or some character flaw of mine.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I initially went to alanon for a class for drug and alcohol studies. I heard and related to everything people shared and truly felt that due to my current circumstances with family and considering the fact that they are mostly all alcoholics or potential alcoholics this would be the best place for me to learn and gain understanding about how to handle it better so that i may be in less pain all the time. My expectations remain the same so far but im not too far into it yet.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My support group and almost anyone who meets me and gets to know shows some type of concern about my behavior pertaining to it being so outwardly focused and based on who i can help or where i can be of service. I am being reminded that i have to take care of myself on a regular bases.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
when my personal responsibilities start to stack up because im overwhelmed with everything going on around me. when i dont have the patience and tolerance to deal with minimal internal conflict. when i lash out or start acting out, being rude or stubborn or attention seeking.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Often, Mostly with men that come into my vaccinity. If there is a man around i really want him to notice me. If there is a women that intimidates me or i admire i really want them to like me. If i am not intimidated by someone then i really want them to admire me.
Do I say yes when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I say yes all the time and more often than not i end up needing to back track and take back my yes' due to the fact that i am not super woman. This in turn ends up leading me to believe that people cant count on me and a cycle of self loathing comes from it. there are many times, especially depending on whose asking, that i am not really attached to the fact that i want to say no until im already in the action and realizing how unrealistic it is for me to do what i am doing. hopefully this makes some sense.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes there has been some improvement in this area lately ever since i starting living along. But it feels like im doing something mind blowing when i am doing something as simple as cleaning my house or cooking for myself. taking care of me still feels really foriegn and i seem to want to share it with people to be recognized for it and patted on the back.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
When life is going smooth i am super uncomfortable and have to add more to my plate because there is a belief that i operate best when in panic or crisis. I am constantly making up problems and finding a tiny negative part of a situation to focus on a ruminate on rather than finding the positive.
How well do I take care of myself?
i often do the bare minimum and take much better care of myself if someone will be around. I dont pamper myself like i like to especially since moving.
How do I feel when I am alone?
like i need to be busy and im not doing enough. sometimes i feel like no one really likes me and i analyze a lot while im alone.
What is the difference between pity and love? pity is feeling an obligation and love is the commitment to nurture and work on a relationship regardless of what comes up. lol if this the same thing?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes and no. I am really attracted to alcoholics in recovery. in the past i have tried to fix them by telling them how bad it is and by trying to show them the right way to be. by sacrificing my wants needs and well being to show them how valuable and special they are and how they deserve good. I would pick men that i felt like were lower companions in order to give them a boost about themselves.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
There are definitely days that i trust my own feelings. I have grown to realize that my feelings are not facts but that they are very real and can cause me a lot of discomfort. there are many times however that i dont know what i am feeling, there is a lot of time that i sprend where i feel like i am not even in my body and i feel very detached, numb and unable to describe my feelings. i have gotten much closer to "good" feelings and am able to connect with those when i experience them.
hotrod said
Oct 21, 2017
Good Morning KS I appreciate that you shared your thoughts on the First Step, Your honesty and clarity touched my spirit. i could readily identify with attempting to make others as I would like them. You are not alone.
ks858585 said
Oct 21, 2017
thank you betty :)
FreedomFromMe said
Oct 25, 2017
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior?
I have a cunning baffling powerful manipulating disease too .. it blows me away to 'see 'feel how much i do Not accept things at times in myself or in others .. i am aware today i grew up 'deeply codependent and therefore have a fear if i don't change them they won't change me .. insanity (I Know) .
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? Nope .. i don't trust my own feelings .. fear because i can't even put some of them into 'words .. can't transform them .. i need to be transformed still in the process .. i fear them because they Hurt 'me for years (they are Mine) i still make others responsible for them (sort of like not knowing or being aware 'they are Mine) ..
How well do I take care of myself ?
I cared more about others than i did Me .. i didn't know i mattered .. sharing out loud is the first way i learned to care about Me .. with the focus on Me .. I am still learning to be responsible for myself and realising how irresponsible i've been through the years .. still am ..
How do I feel when I'm alone?
Right now i feel afraid being alone (the solutions aren't in me 'yet) .. the courage isn't in me yet the faith the hope .. actually rephrasing .. the awareness of these things that are probably already here on some level isn't here yet .. I am still coming down out of the clouds .. ironically through the years thought it was my higher power who was way up in the clouds .. (in thinking ?) had many alcoholics as higher powers .. lots of confusion in these areas still .. I feel like i want to Run to the addict .. (my cod) .. But then when i am there i want to Run from that too .. So Not choosing again to Run in His direction .. either .. i keep coming back to hp .. sometimes i do Run here .. better direction of my feet though ..
Do I take care of others easily but find it difficult to take care of myself?
i find it very difficult to focus on me lately because when i do this is what 'all i focus on .. I am sitting here looking at a ton of things i need to do for me that i want to push away .. i find it hard to take care of my unmanageability .. (to turn it over) .. grr (i feel it when i take care of me .. thinking too much on the negative and not enough on the good) ..
hotrod said
Oct 25, 2017
Hello Freedom thanks for sharing your thoughts. Love your log on name!! The Steps did give me "freedom from negative me" and that was a great reason to continue the journey
FreedomFromMe said
Mar 6, 2018
Betty thank you for that comment. That hit 'home in me
hotrod said
Mar 7, 2018
I am happy that it touched your spirit .
damnitdoll said
Mar 20, 2018
1. Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?
I cannot control his drinking or his behavior. I didnt try to. I didnt engage in damage control either. Consequences were his to own, not mine. After awhile of dealing with it, I was detached and glad he had an activity outside of me to occupy himself. I detached from his drama, chaos, personal hang-ups and issues. Its was more peaceful internally. I cannot control a persons addiction, lack of life direction and complacency, and his parenting choices. I cannot fix a broken marriage either. Was I that oblivious to alcoholism?? Not my monkey, not my circus. The only things I can control are my attitude, my actions, behavior, reactions, and thoughts.
1-26-18 Reflecting back I realize that while I wasnt focused on my husband drinking, I was focused on his lack of parenting. I didnt count the number of beers he drank or the days he missed work being passed out and missing his ride. I was counting the number of days/weeks that my husbands son went without showering. I counted the months that went by with him not washing his laundry and wearing dirty clothes daily. I counted how many hours straight he would do nothing but play video games. I counted how many days he missed school or was tardy because he missed the bus because he stayed up all night playing video games. I watched his grades fall every semester. I watched his verbal abuse and manipulation to my husband and I both as my husband would run to the store to buy beer. SO many more things I was distracted by with my husbands son I was oblivious to my husband drinking. I have been working on this daily and it is very difficult. I realized yesterday that it was officially a month since he showered. The kid simply isnt paid attention too
3-14-18 I have learned that alcoholism is normal in my life because of my childhood. I wanted to fix my family dysfunction through my husband and his own son. I have also learned my control was about controlling myself through chaos. I have come to the realization now through ACA that I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility due to my childhood. It was a survival trait I developed. In my marriage the type of alcoholic I am with has an underdeveloped sense of responsibility so my trait has really come out in full swing. I feel the need to hold my husbands son to responsibility and to hold my husband to his responsibilities as a parent. I feel like I need to hold my husband responsible for all the wrongs he has placed on me from his lack of responsibility toward me as a husband. I realize that this is a part of what control really is as well. It isnt my place to make people responsible or hold people accountable for wrongs. That is between them and their own conscious and their God. I am not responsible for these things and this helps me let go.
damnitdoll said
Mar 20, 2018
2. How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
He has a progressive spiritual disease only he can fix. Hes down on himself. Self pity and self loathing causes him to drink. Once he starts he cant control it. He goes overboard and it is a vicious cycle. Only he can fix it and he and I are different people.
3-14-18 I realize now through ACA that my childhood experiences with alcoholism have given me a set of traits as survival skills. I see patterns throughout my life how each different alcoholic has brought out certain traits from my childhood and I have been reacting to the alcoholic through those traits.
damnitdoll said
Mar 20, 2018
3. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Alcoholism is a progressive spiritual disease. Im unsure about the allergy theory but if that helps people to accept it then so be it. I dont enable the disease. I would like to learn more about addiction in general. I have more empathy toward the alcoholic and I feel it has helped with childhood caregivers.
3-14-18 Through ACA I am bringing down walls of denial about how alcoholism had affected through childhood. I went through some very real anger toward my parents and caregivers once these walls started coming down. I actually feel less empathetic toward alcoholics and angrier at myself for being with one now. I see how I havent been good to myself over the years. My parents (alcoholics) were very irresponsible and so are the alcoholics in my world. I have an over developed sense of responsibility now. I get angry when I think how I had every reason to also become an alcoholic or drug addict etc but I didnt I stayed strong and did everything I could to keep it together maybe it wasnt perfect but I did adapt and remain strong. I kept my duties as a parent and kept my stuff together for my daughter. I am an addict with smoking and caffeine so addictive traits exist in me I channeled them differently. I am learning to forgive myself now because I didnt know why I havent been good to me.
damnitdoll said
Mar 20, 2018
4. Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I dont try to change or control them or their behaviors. I have changed myself I let go of my needs. I made myself insignificant. I put their needs before mine. He was the broken one, not me. I always took the high road and I became the martyr. I obsessed about what he was and wasnt doing as a parent. I obsessed about trying to fix a broken marriage. I would try to influence him in ways, offer advice and suggestions usually when he seemed ready for it especially with parenting. I normally would wait for him realize, or notice and then I would have the opportunity to speak my peace. The interim was painful and lonely. I remember times when I would wake up to go to the bathroom at 12 or 1 am and my husband would be no where in sight. I would think should I go look for him? Is he ok? But I would just go back to bed. Let him deal with it. Some say this is healthy, but maybe it isnt so healthy I never confronted him about things I didnt appreciate.
3-14-18 I have made attempts to try to make my husband responsible for his son, make his son responsible and my husband responsible to me as a spouse. I realize this now. It isnt my responsibility to make others responsible. I am now able to practice let go let God, and detach with love. I also was more about keeping myself in control through his chaos. I am learning to focus on me more now.
damnitdoll said
Mar 20, 2018
5. What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I withdrew. I took deeper to myself and total self absorption and isolation. I took solace in being alone. It was peaceful. It was also damaging. It took me into isolation. I denied affections as well. I need to find balance between speaking up when something affects me and not my monkey, not my circus.
3-14-18 Looking back now I see that what I was doing was tying to teach My husband how to be a responsible parent. Show him the way especially since he would blatantly admit he didnt know what he doing as a parent. I wanted to try to teach my husbands son to be a responsible teenager. But the more responsibility I took on the less they each did. It isnt my responsibility to do any of this. I was trying to fix my dysfunctional childhood through my spouse and his son.
damnitdoll said
Mar 20, 2018
6. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
My husband would say You make me want to be a better man not out of forcing him to change but with his own merits. I often felt he had the desire but not the capacity to do so. He wanted to because I was that valuable to him. When he didnt I felt devalued, insignificant. I lost faith and respect for him as a person.
3-14-18 I cant make people responsible it is not my responsibility to make someone responsible.
hotrod said
Mar 20, 2018
Hello Brenda, thank you for returning and adding additional responses to your step one work. You are not alone and uncovering what we are doing to hurt ourselves is extremely important in this process.
Step one questions;
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior? I am working to accept that I cannot control another persons behavior even though I want to because I am so affected by my ah behavior.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? No I do not trust my own feelings. Sometimes because I am so confused, I do not even know how I am feeling. I go from happy (when dh is sober) to mad, sad, angry, scared and unsure all in the same day.
How well do I take care of myself? I try to eat well, exercise as best as I can. But at the same time I am lost to who I am because I put all of my focus on ah and his sobriety. I also try to overdo for my kids, other family members and friends. I have trouble saying no.
How do I feel when I'm alone? I do not like to be alone for long periods of time.
If I say yes when I want to say no. What happens to my life when I do that? I do it and exhaust myself. Most of the time it frustrates my ah.
Do I take care of others easily but find it difficult to take care of myself? Yes
Marsol
I am beginning to accept that I cant change, control her drinking behavior.
No ... I do not trust my own feelings. Most of the time, I am confused
I really do not take care of myself. I do not care
I feel happy when I am alone
This happens most of the time.... I say "yes" when I should say "No" ..... my life becomes more out of control
Yes I like to take care of others.....
do I trust my feelings? do I know what they are? my feelings have been negative/sad for some time now. I don't like to feel. being numb seems to be better.
how well do I take care of myself? in my head I do know what I need to do to take care of myself. do I do it? not really. I have been searching inside myself for a reason to live.
how do I feel when I am alone? don't I wish! I leave for work about a half hour early and sit in my car before going in. that's the alone time I have. on the other side of the coin..... I fear the aloneness I see on the horizon with hubbies dementia. the total opposite....no aloneness to total aloneness.
saying yes when I want to say no? in other words putting others before myself. it can be frustrating.
taking care of others easily vs taking care of myself? it used to be that way. now I am equal on it. not much motivation to take care of anyone or myself beyond what is necessary.
I found alanon meetings and the Steps helped me to work through my grief and forgive myself for any "imagined or real" incidents that still held me hostage
Please keep on keeping on.
I am beginning to trust my own feelings now I am getting a better relationship with my Hp . I'm letting go of my problems now and consciously passing them over. I am finding for today this is giving me peace as I've stopped the internal battle of trying to force solutions. When I am in a program frame of mind I'm starting to trust my feelings and get them but I find the minute my serenity is jangled this all goes to pot. It's quite interesting that I can see a really big distinction between the healthy me and the unhealthy one
Again only lately. Like most of us others have always come before me so I tend to be on my knees before I pay attention. I've lately had quite bad health and it's given me a kick to value myself and take a bit of care of me. What I'm finding is with most of this stuff the healthy side does not come naturally so I need to really put some focus on me and my needs daily to endure health care. Simple things reducing caffeine. Eating healthy, getting rest . When I'm in a spin I completely neglect care of self. Again I can now see this but need to work on a way to accept when I'm anxious to pass it over and continue the self care
I love being alone now . I used to hate it but now I get to read, meditate and just be. It's amazing and to rare in my life at the moment.
It depends on the person . Some people in my life I still say yes to when j want to say no and it makes me resentful . I did say no to something yesterday and I felt guilty but relieved.
I still spend more time taking care of others than myself, but not adults anymore, they are adults and can take care of themselves and this feels good .
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?
logically i feel like i do. however if i analyze my behavior and responses to people i make attempts constantly to get people to react, think the way that i think that they should. on some level i believe i am smart enough or can do just the right thing to get the results that i desire.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
through a very slow and grouling process of realizing it after the fact, after i have had expectations and to remember that my way isnt the only way to see things. On some level i think that people must be making some concieous decision to behave or be different than i would be as if my way is the way everyone thinks and people must be intentionally doing things to piss me off.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
i do accept that alcoholism is a disease, i think. Attempting to look at someone as if they are sick instead of as if they are just intentional assholes setting out to wreck my day.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
yes. i have tried to change my children into angels. my father into someone that respects and values me, my stepmom into someone that must submit to me rather than vice versa.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
thrown fits, been rude, not been direct or pushed guilt on someone to get what i want. ignoring people or not giving them attention unless they meet my need. what might work better is if i asked directly for what i wanted and needed and was willing to hear an unfavorable response and be ok with it and leave it at that or look for my needs to be met elsewhere.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Hurt, unvalues, inadequate, less than, angry, bitter, resentful, withdrawn, I get quite or avoid. secretly plot ways to hurt them back or fantasize about their demise not at my hands so i dont have to feel guilty. at the end of each day for the past 6 months or so i have prayed for them to get happiness health and prosperity everything that i want and more. so there is some good.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
they could be free to be themselves and we could not have tension and turmoil spewing from my pores while I am around them. I could be free to be myself without fear or worry of attempting to control.
How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?
stay focused on myself. if im getting tangled up talk to my HP and ask for it to be taken and removed. talk to support to be reminded of what i am in charge of.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
i am constantly looking for a quick fix, or to hurry up and do the work so that i can get the relief. i avoid the actual experience often in hopes that i will get to skip it by intellectualizing it just enough.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
At work i feel like i need to be the one to lighten the load and to take on extra because i am so much more capable than your average human. In most aspects of my life i feel the need to bare the extra burden because i have "the best" perspective on how to handle situations.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses behavior?
I feel embarrased about some of my male friends in fear that people will assume we are a couple and judge me. I feel embarrased when my children behave badly because i believe that people are looking at me and blaming me for my lack of participation in their lives and because they must get that from something i have done or taught them or some character flaw of mine.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I initially went to alanon for a class for drug and alcohol studies. I heard and related to everything people shared and truly felt that due to my current circumstances with family and considering the fact that they are mostly all alcoholics or potential alcoholics this would be the best place for me to learn and gain understanding about how to handle it better so that i may be in less pain all the time. My expectations remain the same so far but im not too far into it yet.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My support group and almost anyone who meets me and gets to know shows some type of concern about my behavior pertaining to it being so outwardly focused and based on who i can help or where i can be of service. I am being reminded that i have to take care of myself on a regular bases.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
when my personal responsibilities start to stack up because im overwhelmed with everything going on around me. when i dont have the patience and tolerance to deal with minimal internal conflict. when i lash out or start acting out, being rude or stubborn or attention seeking.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Often, Mostly with men that come into my vaccinity. If there is a man around i really want him to notice me. If there is a women that intimidates me or i admire i really want them to like me. If i am not intimidated by someone then i really want them to admire me.
Do I say yes when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I say yes all the time and more often than not i end up needing to back track and take back my yes' due to the fact that i am not super woman. This in turn ends up leading me to believe that people cant count on me and a cycle of self loathing comes from it. there are many times, especially depending on whose asking, that i am not really attached to the fact that i want to say no until im already in the action and realizing how unrealistic it is for me to do what i am doing. hopefully this makes some sense.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes there has been some improvement in this area lately ever since i starting living along. But it feels like im doing something mind blowing when i am doing something as simple as cleaning my house or cooking for myself. taking care of me still feels really foriegn and i seem to want to share it with people to be recognized for it and patted on the back.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
When life is going smooth i am super uncomfortable and have to add more to my plate because there is a belief that i operate best when in panic or crisis. I am constantly making up problems and finding a tiny negative part of a situation to focus on a ruminate on rather than finding the positive.
How well do I take care of myself?
i often do the bare minimum and take much better care of myself if someone will be around. I dont pamper myself like i like to especially since moving.
How do I feel when I am alone?
like i need to be busy and im not doing enough. sometimes i feel like no one really likes me and i analyze a lot while im alone.
What is the difference between pity and love?
pity is feeling an obligation and love is the commitment to nurture and work on a relationship regardless of what comes up. lol if this the same thing?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes and no. I am really attracted to alcoholics in recovery. in the past i have tried to fix them by telling them how bad it is and by trying to show them the right way to be. by sacrificing my wants needs and well being to show them how valuable and special they are and how they deserve good. I would pick men that i felt like were lower companions in order to give them a boost about themselves.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
There are definitely days that i trust my own feelings. I have grown to realize that my feelings are not facts but that they are very real and can cause me a lot of discomfort. there are many times however that i dont know what i am feeling, there is a lot of time that i sprend where i feel like i am not even in my body and i feel very detached, numb and unable to describe my feelings. i have gotten much closer to "good" feelings and am able to connect with those when i experience them.
thank you betty :)
Do I accept that I cannot control another persons behavior?
I have a cunning baffling powerful manipulating disease too .. it blows me away to 'see 'feel how much i do Not accept things at times in myself or in others .. i am aware today i grew up 'deeply codependent and therefore have a fear if i don't change them they won't change me .. insanity (I Know) .
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? Nope .. i don't trust my own feelings .. fear because i can't even put some of them into 'words .. can't transform them .. i need to be transformed still in the process .. i fear them because they Hurt 'me for years (they are Mine) i still make others responsible for them (sort of like not knowing or being aware 'they are Mine) ..
How well do I take care of myself ?
I cared more about others than i did Me .. i didn't know i mattered .. sharing out loud is the first way i learned to care about Me .. with the focus on Me .. I am still learning to be responsible for myself and realising how irresponsible i've been through the years .. still am ..
How do I feel when I'm alone?
Right now i feel afraid being alone (the solutions aren't in me 'yet) .. the courage isn't in me yet the faith the hope .. actually rephrasing .. the awareness of these things that are probably already here on some level isn't here yet .. I am still coming down out of the clouds .. ironically through the years thought it was my higher power who was way up in the clouds .. (in thinking ?) had many alcoholics as higher powers .. lots of confusion in these areas still .. I feel like i want to Run to the addict .. (my cod) .. But then when i am there i want to Run from that too .. So Not choosing again to Run in His direction .. either .. i keep coming back to hp .. sometimes i do Run here .. better direction of my feet though ..
Do I take care of others easily but find it difficult to take care of myself?
i find it very difficult to focus on me lately because when i do this is what 'all i focus on .. I am sitting here looking at a ton of things i need to do for me that i want to push away .. i find it hard to take care of my unmanageability .. (to turn it over) .. grr (i feel it when i take care of me .. thinking too much on the negative and not enough on the good) ..
Hello Freedom thanks for sharing your thoughts. Love your log on name!! The Steps did give me "freedom from negative me" and that was a great reason to continue the journey
I cannot control his drinking or his behavior. I didnt try to. I didnt engage in damage control either. Consequences were his to own, not mine. After awhile of dealing with it, I was detached and glad he had an activity outside of me to occupy himself. I detached from his drama, chaos, personal hang-ups and issues. Its was more peaceful internally. I cannot control a persons addiction, lack of life direction and complacency, and his parenting choices. I cannot fix a broken marriage either. Was I that oblivious to alcoholism?? Not my monkey, not my circus. The only things I can control are my attitude, my actions, behavior, reactions, and thoughts.
1-26-18 Reflecting back I realize that while I wasnt focused on my husband drinking, I was focused on his lack of parenting. I didnt count the number of beers he drank or the days he missed work being passed out and missing his ride. I was counting the number of days/weeks that my husbands son went without showering. I counted the months that went by with him not washing his laundry and wearing dirty clothes daily. I counted how many hours straight he would do nothing but play video games. I counted how many days he missed school or was tardy because he missed the bus because he stayed up all night playing video games. I watched his grades fall every semester. I watched his verbal abuse and manipulation to my husband and I both as my husband would run to the store to buy beer. SO many more things I was distracted by with my husbands son I was oblivious to my husband drinking. I have been working on this daily and it is very difficult. I realized yesterday that it was officially a month since he showered. The kid simply isnt paid attention too
3-14-18 I have learned that alcoholism is normal in my life because of my childhood. I wanted to fix my family dysfunction through my husband and his own son. I have also learned my control was about controlling myself through chaos. I have come to the realization now through ACA that I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility due to my childhood. It was a survival trait I developed. In my marriage the type of alcoholic I am with has an underdeveloped sense of responsibility so my trait has really come out in full swing. I feel the need to hold my husbands son to responsibility and to hold my husband to his responsibilities as a parent. I feel like I need to hold my husband responsible for all the wrongs he has placed on me from his lack of responsibility toward me as a husband. I realize that this is a part of what control really is as well. It isnt my place to make people responsible or hold people accountable for wrongs. That is between them and their own conscious and their God. I am not responsible for these things and this helps me let go.
He has a progressive spiritual disease only he can fix. Hes down on himself. Self pity and self loathing causes him to drink. Once he starts he cant control it. He goes overboard and it is a vicious cycle. Only he can fix it and he and I are different people.
3-14-18 I realize now through ACA that my childhood experiences with alcoholism have given me a set of traits as survival skills. I see patterns throughout my life how each different alcoholic has brought out certain traits from my childhood and I have been reacting to the alcoholic through those traits.
Alcoholism is a progressive spiritual disease. Im unsure about the allergy theory but if that helps people to accept it then so be it. I dont enable the disease. I would like to learn more about addiction in general. I have more empathy toward the alcoholic and I feel it has helped with childhood caregivers.
3-14-18 Through ACA I am bringing down walls of denial about how alcoholism had affected through childhood. I went through some very real anger toward my parents and caregivers once these walls started coming down. I actually feel less empathetic toward alcoholics and angrier at myself for being with one now. I see how I havent been good to myself over the years. My parents (alcoholics) were very irresponsible and so are the alcoholics in my world. I have an over developed sense of responsibility now. I get angry when I think how I had every reason to also become an alcoholic or drug addict etc but I didnt I stayed strong and did everything I could to keep it together maybe it wasnt perfect but I did adapt and remain strong. I kept my duties as a parent and kept my stuff together for my daughter. I am an addict with smoking and caffeine so addictive traits exist in me I channeled them differently. I am learning to forgive myself now because I didnt know why I havent been good to me.
I dont try to change or control them or their behaviors. I have changed myself I let go of my needs. I made myself insignificant. I put their needs before mine. He was the broken one, not me. I always took the high road and I became the martyr. I obsessed about what he was and wasnt doing as a parent. I obsessed about trying to fix a broken marriage. I would try to influence him in ways, offer advice and suggestions usually when he seemed ready for it especially with parenting. I normally would wait for him realize, or notice and then I would have the opportunity to speak my peace. The interim was painful and lonely. I remember times when I would wake up to go to the bathroom at 12 or 1 am and my husband would be no where in sight. I would think should I go look for him? Is he ok? But I would just go back to bed. Let him deal with it. Some say this is healthy, but maybe it isnt so healthy I never confronted him about things I didnt appreciate.
3-14-18 I have made attempts to try to make my husband responsible for his son, make his son responsible and my husband responsible to me as a spouse. I realize this now. It isnt my responsibility to make others responsible. I am now able to practice let go let God, and detach with love. I also was more about keeping myself in control through his chaos. I am learning to focus on me more now.
I withdrew. I took deeper to myself and total self absorption and isolation. I took solace in being alone. It was peaceful. It was also damaging. It took me into isolation. I denied affections as well. I need to find balance between speaking up when something affects me and not my monkey, not my circus.
3-14-18 Looking back now I see that what I was doing was tying to teach My husband how to be a responsible parent. Show him the way especially since he would blatantly admit he didnt know what he doing as a parent. I wanted to try to teach my husbands son to be a responsible teenager. But the more responsibility I took on the less they each did. It isnt my responsibility to do any of this. I was trying to fix my dysfunctional childhood through my spouse and his son.
My husband would say You make me want to be a better man not out of forcing him to change but with his own merits. I often felt he had the desire but not the capacity to do so. He wanted to because I was that valuable to him. When he didnt I felt devalued, insignificant. I lost faith and respect for him as a person.
3-14-18 I cant make people responsible it is not my responsibility to make someone responsible.