Al-Anon. Step eight; "made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."
C2C reading page 242 guilt is a burden that keeps us from giving ourselves, freely to the present. I can begin to rid my mind guilt by quietly admitting where and when I have done wrong to people including myself. In this step, we become concerned with the harm I have caused others. The guilt I brought to myself and the desire to do what I can to clear it away .
My share
When I first entered program I honestly did not think that I caused anybody any harm. However I did have an underlining fear and guilt because of living with this disease. I truly thought that I caused it ,was responsible for all the unhappiness in my marriage and every one else's life. I thought I was all-powerful. Thanks to this program and working the steps, I discovered that many of my well meant actions were destructive and hurt people---. Even though I didn't realize it.
My inability to be honest and open about what I wanted was a huge detriment to my intimate relationship. I would manipulate control and perform many negative actions in order to obtain what I wanted. These were tools I developed as a child and carried into adulthood My sponsor suggested that these tools may hurt others, however they hurt me even more.-- It was then suggested that I place myself at the top of this list. That is exactly what I did and then proceeded to make amends to myself by attending meetings working with a sponsor, and developing new constructive tools to live by. Within a very short time I was able to complete my 8 th Step list of people that I owed amends to and honestly understand how I had harmed . Naturally, this included my husband, my son, and my immediate, family . I found I did for others what they could do for themselves and took away their incentive and initiative because of this. I owed amends.
Throughout the many years in program I have performed several step eight and nine I try to keep myself abreast of what is going on within , by doing a 10th step every every night. This action step keeps me aware and current. Please remember that the only action that is asked of us in this step is to make the list. becoming ready to make amends is simply achieved by prayer and meetings. I became ready.as I said, in this manner,
Step eight questions
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
Have I considered praying for the willingness?
How willing you might to be completely honest?
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step? Have they can I encourage those I sponsored to begin working this step?
Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings and challenges with the step? Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?
Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Am I willing to recognize the need for amends?
.
Tude said
Jan 6, 2018
I raced ahead on this step. I have done my steps before in the past, wayyyyyyyyy past....kept thinking off and on about step 8. That may not have been a good thing. After my 4th step I was feeling overwhelming guilt over how my actions/words/reactions have effected my relationships......I have not even visited step 9 yet to see if I did anything right but.........
I did call a couple family members, ask for their forgiveness and also ask the one who was in Alanon to be patient with me. The burden of guilt of the awareness was a bit much to hold onto........
Step eight questions
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
No
Have I considered praying for the willingness?
N/A
How willing you might to be completely honest?
Totally
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step? Have they can I encourage those I sponsored to begin working this step? By surrendering my will to Gods will. To let God show me these things that I have not recognized before. By helping me bring to mind those I have hurt, how I have hurt them. The list is still growing.......
Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings and challenges with the step? Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?
Yes, I need to keep my focus on my work on me, stay out of their business, have compassion for the A's and all others in my life. It is dawning on me finally...........I need to have some compassion for myself? Hmmmm.......I feel my life has been out of control in the area of trying to over "help" ALL my life. In doing so I have caused more harm than good especially these past few years. My way of doing things stopped working and switched over to something, someone I did not recognize or know.........
The challenge in the step is with some certain people and situations.......how to make amends.....the right way. Others it comes easily.
Yes, I used my 4th step.
Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Yes. My actions got in the way of their taking responsibility for their own actions. I did tough love but it turned into tough anger.
Am I willing to recognize the need for amends?
Yes
hotrod said
Jan 6, 2018
Making a list and becoming ready is all this step asks. i found I was entirely ready with most of my amends because I saw how holding on kept me stuck Good work .
Tude said
Jan 6, 2018
The list is growing......................oh my..............yes, I jumped ahead:( The feelings were awful. All I remember about step 9 is keep it to my own part, don't do it at others expense and so on.........
Learning is good and painful. One very cool thing...........Step One is where the group is at such a perfect timing. That is my HP!
(((((((Betty))))))))
Midnight Jane said
Jan 13, 2018
Thank you Betty for your service.
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
I have resisted making a list because of my mind jumping to how I am going to make ammends, and nervousness around that. The 'one step at a time' approach reassured me that all I have to do, right now, is make the list.
Have I considered praying for the willingness?
The willingness is there.
How willing you might to be completely honest?
I can be completely honest with myself, but to be honest about myself to others can be difficult, even though I have the willingness. Humility comes into play here.
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step? Have they can I encourage those I sponsored to begin working this step?
Trust and surrender. Going back to the first two steps and surrendering to what is helps me so much. When I have difficulty approaching this step, I remind myself to let go, and not become attached to my own thoughts about things. I don't have to control it.
Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings and challenges with the step? Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?
Yes. Step 4 helped me to recognise how my reactivity, negative thinking and speaking, and my tendancy to talk about or to blame others, rather than focus on my own part, has in the past harmed my interaction with others, and ultimately harmed myself.
Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Yes. This has been one of my biggest challenges. I don't have to blame and to 'fix' what I think the problem is in others. I don't have to look to them first before looking at my part in it. At work, I recognise I may have disempowered others because of micro-managing them, and thinking that no-one could do it like I can. This has always harmed me and them.
Am I willing to recognize the need for amends?
Yes. Completely.
hotrod said
Jan 13, 2018
Hello Midnight Jane Thanks for being here and sharing your process. Your determination, clarity and honesty are impressive, so please do keep on keeping on
C2C reading page 242 guilt is a burden that keeps us from giving ourselves, freely to the present. I can begin to rid my mind guilt by quietly admitting where and when I have done wrong to people including myself. In this step, we become concerned with the harm I have caused others. The guilt I brought to myself and the desire to do what I can to clear it away .
My share
When I first entered program I honestly did not think that I caused anybody any harm. However I did have an underlining fear and guilt because of living with this disease. I truly thought that I caused it ,was responsible for all the unhappiness in my marriage and every one else's life. I thought I was all-powerful. Thanks to this program and working the steps, I discovered that many of my well meant actions were destructive and hurt people---. Even though I didn't realize it.
Please remember that the only action that is asked of us in this step is to make the list. becoming ready to make amends is simply achieved by prayer and meetings. I became ready.as I said, in this manner,
Step eight questions
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
Have I considered praying for the willingness?
How willing you might to be completely honest?
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step? Have they can I encourage those I sponsored to begin working this step?
Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Am I willing to recognize the need for amends?
.
I did call a couple family members, ask for their forgiveness and also ask the one who was in Alanon to be patient with me. The burden of guilt of the awareness was a bit much to hold onto........
Step eight questions
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
No
Have I considered praying for the willingness?
N/A
How willing you might to be completely honest?
Totally
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step? Have they can I encourage those I sponsored to begin working this step? By surrendering my will to Gods will. To let God show me these things that I have not recognized before. By helping me bring to mind those I have hurt, how I have hurt them. The list is still growing.......
Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings and challenges with the step? Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?
Yes, I need to keep my focus on my work on me, stay out of their business, have compassion for the A's and all others in my life. It is dawning on me finally...........I need to have some compassion for myself? Hmmmm.......I feel my life has been out of control in the area of trying to over "help" ALL my life. In doing so I have caused more harm than good especially these past few years. My way of doing things stopped working and switched over to something, someone I did not recognize or know.........
The challenge in the step is with some certain people and situations.......how to make amends.....the right way. Others it comes easily.
Yes, I used my 4th step.
Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Yes. My actions got in the way of their taking responsibility for their own actions. I did tough love but it turned into tough anger.
Am I willing to recognize the need for amends?
Yes
Making a list and becoming ready is all this step asks. i found I was entirely ready with most of my amends because I saw how holding on kept me stuck Good work .
Learning is good and painful. One very cool thing...........Step One is where the group is at such a perfect timing. That is my HP!
(((((((Betty))))))))
Have I resisted making a list? If so why?
I have resisted making a list because of my mind jumping to how I am going to make ammends, and nervousness around that. The 'one step at a time' approach reassured me that all I have to do, right now, is make the list.
Have I considered praying for the willingness?
The willingness is there.
How willing you might to be completely honest?
I can be completely honest with myself, but to be honest about myself to others can be difficult, even though I have the willingness. Humility comes into play here.
How does the God of my understanding play role in the step? Have they can I encourage those I sponsored to begin working this step?
Trust and surrender. Going back to the first two steps and surrendering to what is helps me so much. When I have difficulty approaching this step, I remind myself to let go, and not become attached to my own thoughts about things. I don't have to control it.
Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings and challenges with the step? Did I use my fourth step is a tool and preparing my list?
Yes. Step 4 helped me to recognise how my reactivity, negative thinking and speaking, and my tendancy to talk about or to blame others, rather than focus on my own part, has in the past harmed my interaction with others, and ultimately harmed myself.
Do I recognize when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Yes. This has been one of my biggest challenges. I don't have to blame and to 'fix' what I think the problem is in others. I don't have to look to them first before looking at my part in it. At work, I recognise I may have disempowered others because of micro-managing them, and thinking that no-one could do it like I can. This has always harmed me and them.
Am I willing to recognize the need for amends?
Yes. Completely.