Step eight; Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all
Paths to recovery page 81. By working this step we have overcome numerous obstacles and become much more self aware. How do I make a list? One member shared that she makes a list t with columns the first heading is the name of the person harmed, their relationship to me, my harmful act. The reason for my amends i. It is here that the transfer of the names from my 4th step and can add new ones
My share in order to work this step I needed to understand what type of harm I did to others. I know that I had been withholding domineering and controlling and did finally admit this has hurt myself and my family. I had to make sure that Iwas clear as to th harm i had done so by honestly looking at my thoughts and actions i was able to see It happened slowly when by attending meetings, listening with an open mind and heart, making gratitude lists and praying. I found that I became willing to make amends came naturally as I worked the program
Step Eight Questions
as I work step eight, how do I see it helping me and my relationship with others?
Do. I recognize that when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Am I willing to recognize and admit to the above?
Do I understand that willingness is different than making the actual amend?
Have I considered praying for the willingness to become willing ?
Can I share with my group my thoughts and feelings?
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 9, 2019
So I am finally here. Step 8. Making a list will not be hard. Now that I have been diligently working my program, I think I am pretty self-aware of the areas that became "out of control" for me. Those are the reasons for the amends... different manifestations for the different people in my life. Now I can see that the first person on my list should be ME. I never would've put me there before.
MY SHARE:
My awareness and acceptance of the things I needed to make amends for came with working my Step 4. Honestly, I knew I was a manager of my son's life, way before the chaos of living with alcoholism took over our lives. I had been slowly trying to disengage with that. But I never really looked HARD at myself. What I did to myself, the marriage, and my kid by not being honest with the situation we were in. The reality. I loved to control the situation, manipulate so that I could get what I wanted out of the outcome, and felt like I was always the victim when things did not go my way. Because I lived in a carefully disguised world of FEAR, I allowed many things to be swept under the rug. I was a pro at that! I did not want to face reality!! That in itself really hurt my son and his views on adult life/marriage, I believe. Of course, he does not see it as MY failing... he is more like me than either of us wants to admit! LOL! I am willing to make amends to my Ex regarding this too. Many of the coping mechanisms I developed allowed him to stay diseased. There were also times that I used Detachment, but first it was with anger, and then with INDIFFERENCE. I don't feel guilt about that per se, but I see it as a very sad result of the life we were living... and I do feel sorry (or mourn) for the life we could've led. Perhaps the person I really need to make amends to is myself!! By acting the way I did, for so long, I was just short-changing myself as well.
QUESTIONS:
1. As I work Step 8, how do I see it helping me and my relationship with others?
Well, as I said above, I am allowing myself to be honored first. I NEVER would do that before. Everyone came before me. By honoring myself, I am seeing that some of the things I did, or the behaviors I showed were really about protecting myself from reality. That is just not healthy. Sometimes reality hurts, but it must be faced to move forward, I think. I am currently more compassionate with others... less judgmental for sure. I no longer REACT, but try to just take something IN, and then process it BEFORE I respond. That is just a HUGE difference for me and the way I interact with people. I am allowing the results of whatever interaction be driven by naturalness... not by my meddling!
2. Do I recognize that when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Am I willing to recognize and admit to the above?
Oh, yes! I have already been doing the admitting to myself with respect to my and my son's relationship. I have also asked his forgiveness already for being the "Director of his Life." I did this when he turned 18 and we had the discussion about being an adult. What it entails, what others expectations are, what my healthy expectations are, and what my boundaries are. So in doing that, I had to admit and apologize for "directing" his life as he grew up. But I thought that was the "correct" way to parent, and there actually were times that he needed some sort of intervention. I explained that I knew I was doing this when he was a Freshman in HS, and that is when I began slowly pulling away. I had told him I had hoped that I did it correctly and not too late. Today, I constantly keep tabs with my expectations and emotions in regards to "helping" my son. My program helps keep me centered with this!
3. Do I understand that willingness is different than making the actual amend?
Have I considered praying for the willingness to become willing ?
Yes. I know that there are some things that to voice the amend would hurt my Ex. So I understand it may be better to just keep the willingness for the mend in my heart.
4. Can I share with my group my thoughts and feelings?
I have shared a few times about the awareness of my part, and the willingness to make amends to my F2F.
hotrod said
Feb 13, 2019
HI P@P so happy to read your powerful, honest ESH on this Step Thanks for being here
in order to work this step I needed to understand what type of harm I did to others. I know that I had been withholding domineering and controlling and did finally admit this has hurt myself and my family. I had to make sure that Iwas clear as to th harm i had done so by honestly looking at my thoughts and actions i was able to see It happened slowly when by attending meetings, listening with an open mind and heart, making gratitude lists and praying. I found that I became willing to make amends came naturally as I worked the program
as I work step eight, how do I see it helping me and my relationship with others?
Do. I recognize that when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?
Can I share with my group my thoughts and feelings?
So I am finally here. Step 8.
Making a list will not be hard. Now that I have been diligently working my program, I think I am pretty self-aware of the areas that became "out of control" for me. Those are the reasons for the amends... different manifestations for the different people in my life.
Now I can see that the first person on my list should be ME. I never would've put me there before.
MY SHARE:
My awareness and acceptance of the things I needed to make amends for came with working my Step 4. Honestly, I knew I was a manager of my son's life, way before the chaos of living with alcoholism took over our lives. I had been slowly trying to disengage with that. But I never really looked HARD at myself. What I did to myself, the marriage, and my kid by not being honest with the situation we were in. The reality. I loved to control the situation, manipulate so that I could get what I wanted out of the outcome, and felt like I was always the victim when things did not go my way. Because I lived in a carefully disguised world of FEAR, I allowed many things to be swept under the rug. I was a pro at that! I did not want to face reality!! That in itself really hurt my son and his views on adult life/marriage, I believe. Of course, he does not see it as MY failing... he is more like me than either of us wants to admit! LOL! I am willing to make amends to my Ex regarding this too. Many of the coping mechanisms I developed allowed him to stay diseased. There were also times that I used Detachment, but first it was with anger, and then with INDIFFERENCE. I don't feel guilt about that per se, but I see it as a very sad result of the life we were living... and I do feel sorry (or mourn) for the life we could've led. Perhaps the person I really need to make amends to is myself!! By acting the way I did, for so long, I was just short-changing myself as well.
QUESTIONS:
1. As I work Step 8, how do I see it helping me and my relationship with others?
Well, as I said above, I am allowing myself to be honored first. I NEVER would do that before. Everyone came before me. By honoring myself, I am seeing that some of the things I did, or the behaviors I showed were really about protecting myself from reality. That is just not healthy. Sometimes reality hurts, but it must be faced to move forward, I think. I am currently more compassionate with others... less judgmental for sure. I no longer REACT, but try to just take something IN, and then process it BEFORE I respond. That is just a HUGE difference for me and the way I interact with people. I am allowing the results of whatever interaction be driven by naturalness... not by my meddling!
2. Do I recognize that when my minding someone else's business may have harmed them or others?