making amends is not just saying I'm sorry-- it means responding differently from our new understanding
in addition
HAVE I HARMED MYSELF? OF COARSE I HAVE. THIS IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO RECOVER FROM.
BEING TRUE TO MYSELF IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN GIVE TO THOSE AROUND ME TO GIVE ADVISE TO OTHERS IS TO INTRUDE;TO GIVE ADVISE TO MYSELF IS TO GROW.
MY SHARE
I TOO HAD TO PLACE MYSELF AT THE TOP OF THE amends LIST. BEFORE I COULD HONESTLY MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS. THE AMENDS I MADE TO MYSELF WAS: GOING TO MEETINGS, TREATING MYSELF WITH KINDNESS, AND COMPASSION, VALIDATING MY NEEDS, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF FOCUSING ON MY NEEDS WORKING THE STEPS AND LIVING ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONCE I FELT PRESENT IN MY LIFE AND COMFORTABLE WITH MY SELF ESTEEM I BEGAN TO MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS THE FIRST AMENDS I MADE WAS CHANGING MY BEHAVIOR TO OTHERS. I STOPPED JUDGING THEM, GIVING ADVISE TO THEM, CRITICIZING THEM, GOSSIPING ABOUT THEM. I ALSO BEGAN TO GIVE without STRINGS AND TO HAVE COMPASSION WITHOUT EXPECTING PAYBACK. THOSE WERE POWeRFUL AMENDS.
Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality. My amends did not take the form of saying I am Sorry. It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of owning my former actions--- Big for me.
.
STEP 9 QUESTIONS
1.What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now?
What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship?
What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed?
How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?
2. What is the biggest guilt you have right now?
Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?
3. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."
Bud said
Sep 4, 2019
Thank you for your service Betty and for your super-supportive share.
As I explore what bothers me in one of my relationships, I recognize a well-worn unhealthy pattern of not showing up for myself. I hadn't realized that I over compromised , therefore I did discount myself because I was afraid of lack of approval.
This person had an unhealthy dynamic too, and after a while discounted me as well.
My guilt is not showing up for myself and allowing a situation where another person could easily take me for granted.
My guilt is for contributing for the current state of the disintegration. (I do not own the whole state, but I can see how my behavior and actions didn't serve well.)
I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop focusing on the hurtful words handed to me and focus on myself and doing the next right thing. I need to forgive myself and the other person and then let go and let God.
What I would like to say to the other person is how my heart feels about them. The baggage of what happens does not need to be discussed at this time. Later, much down the road if there is a coming together, how to handle similar situations with grace would be helpful.
I do love and accept myself. I accept the situation. While the current state is not what my heart desires, I do feel at peace with respect to the other person. I know my HP is guiding me and pray their HP is guiding them.
Thank you Betty
hotrod said
Sep 4, 2019
Dear Bud acceptance of my situation ( as you have done did help me to move forward). i started out "beating myself up" for hurting myself but my sponsor pointed out that 'beating ourselves up is not an alanon tool---- That helped.
Love how your "acceptance" speaks so firmly and convincingly. Thanks for sharing the journey.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 14, 2020
STEP 9 QUESTIONS
1. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now? I have two. My Exhusband to be sure. He recently relapsed and interactions with me and my Kid were not pleasant. The other is my father. His health as well as what I learned growing up around someone who wasn't an alcoholic, but used alcohol frequently.
What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship? Ex: Since we have a kid together, I can't block. But I have found that Muting his texts work great. I can see them when I want to see them. This allows me to take time to make good decisions, not to knee-jerk react. I am also accepting that he is a chemically changed man.
Father: I keep reminding myself that my parent is their own person! They have the right to live their life as they see fit... and I may not like it. As for FOO things, well, it's a little hard to reconcile the man he is now, and the man he was as I was growing up. I owe so much to him now! I am trying to be non-judgmental. He did the best with what he was given as well. I had a great childhood... just picked up some bad behaviors b/c of alcohol use on one side and co-dependency on the other side of my parents. What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed? Ex: I am sorry that I expected more from you than you were able to give. It is hard for me to accept that my "style" of loving wasn't "true" love. I could not accept you for exactly who you were/are. I feel I did my best though.
Father: I am still working that one out! How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person? Ex: I allowed him to use me as a doormat, all the while becoming increasingly angry. I accepted gas-lighting to the point that I doubted everything I saw, did or experienced. Maybe I was the one with the problem! Once I began to understand the Three C's, I was angry as hell. Every little disappointment was his fault... the disease's fault... Addiction's fault. I had become weak b/c I played the martyr. 2. What is the biggest guilt you have right now? There were many times that I wished that I could just walk away from my married life without the guilt and shame of divorcing him- didn't care how that happened. Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt? I am working on accepting that I wasn't the "perfect" spouse... I know I did not cause this, but I allowed it to continue b/c I just looked the other way, or allowed myself to be the doormat... anything to keep the peace and provide some semblance of "normal" for our kid. I am working on the guilt part of my plan not working so well. I find the slogan, "When we know better, we do better" to help a lot. 3. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."
I love and accept myself. I accept and understand that I cannot be a loving spouse for my Ex, b/c I could not accept him, Addiction and all. I am OK with knowing I cannot Trust him, and so I cannot truly love him. I am OK with accepting I do not Respect him.
I am taking responsibility for being judgmental of others, while believing I wasn't judgmental. I work every day to keep judgments out of my thoughts and voice.
Since I have problems with perfection, I accept that I am a perfectly imperfect human being, and I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them! I will no longer self-flagellate!
hotrod said
Jan 14, 2020
Hi p&P Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important step. i love being perfectly imperfect-- thanks for this reminder
STEP 9
C2C page 299
making amends is not just saying I'm sorry-- it means responding differently from our new understanding
in addition
HAVE I HARMED MYSELF? OF COARSE I HAVE. THIS IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO RECOVER FROM.
BEING TRUE TO MYSELF IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I CAN GIVE TO THOSE AROUND ME TO GIVE ADVISE TO OTHERS IS TO INTRUDE;TO GIVE ADVISE TO MYSELF IS TO GROW.
MY SHARE
I TOO HAD TO PLACE MYSELF AT THE TOP OF THE amends LIST. BEFORE I COULD HONESTLY MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS. THE AMENDS I MADE TO MYSELF WAS: GOING TO MEETINGS, TREATING MYSELF WITH KINDNESS, AND COMPASSION, VALIDATING MY NEEDS, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF FOCUSING ON MY NEEDS WORKING THE STEPS AND LIVING ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONCE I FELT PRESENT IN MY LIFE AND COMFORTABLE WITH MY SELF ESTEEM I BEGAN TO MAKE AMENDS TO OTHERS THE FIRST AMENDS I MADE WAS CHANGING MY BEHAVIOR TO OTHERS. I STOPPED JUDGING THEM, GIVING ADVISE TO THEM, CRITICIZING THEM, GOSSIPING ABOUT THEM. I ALSO BEGAN TO GIVE without STRINGS AND TO HAVE COMPASSION WITHOUT EXPECTING PAYBACK. THOSE WERE POWeRFUL AMENDS.
Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality. My amends did not take the form of saying I am Sorry. It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of owning my former actions--- Big for me.
.
STEP 9 QUESTIONS
1. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now?
What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship?
What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed?
How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?
2. What is the biggest guilt you have right now?
Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?
3. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."
As I explore what bothers me in one of my relationships, I recognize a well-worn unhealthy pattern of not showing up for myself. I hadn't realized that I over compromised , therefore I did discount myself because I was afraid of lack of approval.
This person had an unhealthy dynamic too, and after a while discounted me as well.
My guilt is not showing up for myself and allowing a situation where another person could easily take me for granted.
My guilt is for contributing for the current state of the disintegration. (I do not own the whole state, but I can see how my behavior and actions didn't serve well.)
I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop focusing on the hurtful words handed to me and focus on myself and doing the next right thing. I need to forgive myself and the other person and then let go and let God.
What I would like to say to the other person is how my heart feels about them. The baggage of what happens does not need to be discussed at this time. Later, much down the road if there is a coming together, how to handle similar situations with grace would be helpful.
I do love and accept myself. I accept the situation. While the current state is not what my heart desires, I do feel at peace with respect to the other person. I know my HP is guiding me and pray their HP is guiding them.
Thank you Betty
Dear Bud acceptance of my situation ( as you have done did help me to move forward). i started out "beating myself up" for hurting myself but my sponsor pointed out that 'beating ourselves up is not an alanon tool---- That helped.
Love how your "acceptance" speaks so firmly and convincingly.
Thanks for sharing the journey.
STEP 9 QUESTIONS
1. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now?
I have two. My Exhusband to be sure. He recently relapsed and interactions with me and my Kid were not pleasant. The other is my father. His health as well as what I learned growing up around someone who wasn't an alcoholic, but used alcohol frequently.
What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship?
Ex: Since we have a kid together, I can't block. But I have found that Muting his texts work great. I can see them when I want to see them. This allows me to take time to make good decisions, not to knee-jerk react. I am also accepting that he is a chemically changed man.
Father: I keep reminding myself that my parent is their own person! They have the right to live their life as they see fit... and I may not like it. As for FOO things, well, it's a little hard to reconcile the man he is now, and the man he was as I was growing up. I owe so much to him now! I am trying to be non-judgmental. He did the best with what he was given as well. I had a great childhood... just picked up some bad behaviors b/c of alcohol use on one side and co-dependency on the other side of my parents.
What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed?
Ex: I am sorry that I expected more from you than you were able to give. It is hard for me to accept that my "style" of loving wasn't "true" love. I could not accept you for exactly who you were/are. I feel I did my best though.
Father: I am still working that one out!
How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?
Ex: I allowed him to use me as a doormat, all the while becoming increasingly angry. I accepted gas-lighting to the point that I doubted everything I saw, did or experienced. Maybe I was the one with the problem! Once I began to understand the Three C's, I was angry as hell. Every little disappointment was his fault... the disease's fault... Addiction's fault. I had become weak b/c I played the martyr.
2. What is the biggest guilt you have right now?
There were many times that I wished that I could just walk away from my married life without the guilt and shame of divorcing him- didn't care how that happened.
Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?
I am working on accepting that I wasn't the "perfect" spouse... I know I did not cause this, but I allowed it to continue b/c I just looked the other way, or allowed myself to be the doormat... anything to keep the peace and provide some semblance of "normal" for our kid. I am working on the guilt part of my plan not working so well. I find the slogan, "When we know better, we do better" to help a lot.
3. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."
I love and accept myself. I accept and understand that I cannot be a loving spouse for my Ex, b/c I could not accept him, Addiction and all. I am OK with knowing I cannot Trust him, and so I cannot truly love him. I am OK with accepting I do not Respect him.
I am taking responsibility for being judgmental of others, while believing I wasn't judgmental. I work every day to keep judgments out of my thoughts and voice.
Since I have problems with perfection, I accept that I am a perfectly imperfect human being, and I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them! I will no longer self-flagellate!