Okay, first I want to thank you for this forum. I look forward to working the steps here often. My question about step 12, however, is a little complicated. How do we know the difference between spreading the word and helping others and interfering and making decisions for others. Can we be too pushy? Can step twelve be used for a guise to continue to try to control other people's lives? And yet, I believe in sharing the good news, peace and serenity that comes from these steps. How do we know how to balance this?
Vicky R said
Oct 25, 2006
hi Curious welcome know what you mean ... you don't have to , most of the programme is to be explored in our own time and this being step 12 you could say comes later on. I think it was a good point to raise but I wouldn't worry too much about 'getting it right' the answers will come to us when they're ready this programme suggests , hope you find it helpful here ,
llol Vickyr x
ack said
Oct 26, 2006
Vicky R wrote: ...you could say comes later on. I think it was a good point to raise but...
Forgive me for jumping in here. I am new also. I believe that curious was posting an appropriate Step 12 response. I am GUESSING that we are supposed to put the responses to the topics as replies to the main post. That makes the most sense to me, to make it easier (a) to get emails when others post, (b) to follow the step discussion. Let me know if I'm wrong there. But as I was saying, Curious' post about when and how to separate true 12-step work from personal control issues is *right on* the topic. To me it wasn't a general question, but a very meaningful post on this topic. I think the confusion might have been that it was put in another topic and not as a reply.
ack said
Oct 28, 2006
curious wrote: How do we know the difference between spreading the word and helping others and interfering and making decisions for others. Can we be too pushy? Can step twelve be used for a guise to continue to try to control other people's lives? And yet, I believe in sharing the good news, peace and serenity that comes from these steps. How do we know how to balance this?
Thanks for the great questions. Thinking back over my experience of working the steps, I realize I could never ever ever have figured out the balanced way to be if I hadn't gone through the steps. For instance, Step 6 was incredibly difficult and rewarding. Not that they were slam-dunks by any means, but 6 had me working hard for a long time.
I can remember praying a thousand times a day (not that I would have thought prayer useful or to the point anyway, without the prior steps) for god to please relieve me of my control issues. My waking life was a prayer, particularly at work. I would walk down the hall, talking to god in my head. Hours, days, weeks. "I can't do anything about his idiocy." "The world goes on without me." "There is more than one way to skin a cat." "God help me let go of this."
It is impossible to explain unless you have worked through the steps with a sponsor. Just comprehending the words doesn't do it; it takes a certain focus and dedication to follow through. It really does work, though. Each step builds on the others, and you understand the one you are on from the basis of all you've done with the ones before. Step 12 is last because by the time you get to it, you have an whole new understanding of yourself and the world. And you know, or know how to figure out, where the balance lies.
It's not like all your problems or personality issues disappear. We are all human. But the stranglehold they had on you does disappear. Your judgement grows and you find a new ability to put your ideals in practice in your life. There really is a spiritual awakening. Your blind spots are lit up, and in the light of day, they are okay. You are okay. I am okay. The A is ok. Life is Good.
laurel
-- Edited by ack at 02:58, 2006-10-28
dot said
Oct 28, 2006
Hi curious - Welcome.
This is a good question. When I first came to Al-Anon it helped me so much that I wanted to spread the word and bring friends to the program that needed it. The problem was they didn't want it. My sponsor helped me realize that as I got better and re-acted differently this was carrying the message and maybe friends would want to know what had brought about the change.
When I become interested in "helping" someone I ask myself, "Can they do this for themselves?" If the answer is yes then it's not my business. I need to allow them the dignity to make their own decisions.
Love in Recovery - Dot
laalee said
Nov 12, 2006
The way I have been taught is to share in meetings and then my sharing outside a meeting is very simple....I only share with someone when they end a sentence with a question mark.
That totally puts a stop to my need to fix anyone.
Laalee 10/13/89
peggysnowmom said
Nov 19, 2006
Step 12 - having had a spiritual awaking as the result of these steps, we tryed to carry this message to others, and to practise these principals in all our affairs.
to me, I work thru all the steps in order and when I am feeling like I have a good program I can carry this message, by people seeing the changes in me. I used to walk with a friend of mine and she asked me how come I am alot calmer than I used to be. I told her about Al-anon and every time we walked she would ask me more questions. After a while she came to meetings with me. Then she told other people about the program and shared her experiences and it goes on and on. We try not to give advice and just say what has worked for us and they can use what they need. After being in the program and working thru the steps we can start using it in all parts of our lives, I have used this program at work and with my daily life. It will all balance out after using all the steps the best we can. Our program is to help the families of alcholics and not tell them what to do or try to control them. The program works and we are all where we are by all the people that have worked these steps before us and have helped us to have better lives. Thank you to all who have helped me.
Okay, first I want to thank you for this forum. I look forward to working the steps here often. My question about step 12, however, is a little complicated. How do we know the difference between spreading the word and helping others and interfering and making decisions for others. Can we be too pushy? Can step twelve be used for a guise to continue to try to control other people's lives? And yet, I believe in sharing the good news, peace and serenity that comes from these steps. How do we know how to balance this?
llol Vickyr x
Forgive me for jumping in here. I am new also. I believe that curious was posting an appropriate Step 12 response. I am GUESSING that we are supposed to put the responses to the topics as replies to the main post. That makes the most sense to me, to make it easier (a) to get emails when others post, (b) to follow the step discussion. Let me know if I'm wrong there. But as I was saying, Curious' post about when and how to separate true 12-step work from personal control issues is *right on* the topic. To me it wasn't a general question, but a very meaningful post on this topic. I think the confusion might have been that it was put in another topic and not as a reply.
Thanks for the great questions. Thinking back over my experience of working the steps, I realize I could never ever ever have figured out the balanced way to be if I hadn't gone through the steps. For instance, Step 6 was incredibly difficult and rewarding. Not that they were slam-dunks by any means, but 6 had me working hard for a long time.
I can remember praying a thousand times a day (not that I would have thought prayer useful or to the point anyway, without the prior steps) for god to please relieve me of my control issues. My waking life was a prayer, particularly at work. I would walk down the hall, talking to god in my head. Hours, days, weeks. "I can't do anything about his idiocy." "The world goes on without me." "There is more than one way to skin a cat." "God help me let go of this."
It is impossible to explain unless you have worked through the steps with a sponsor. Just comprehending the words doesn't do it; it takes a certain focus and dedication to follow through. It really does work, though. Each step builds on the others, and you understand the one you are on from the basis of all you've done with the ones before. Step 12 is last because by the time you get to it, you have an whole new understanding of yourself and the world. And you know, or know how to figure out, where the balance lies.
It's not like all your problems or personality issues disappear. We are all human. But the stranglehold they had on you does disappear. Your judgement grows and you find a new ability to put your ideals in practice in your life. There really is a spiritual awakening. Your blind spots are lit up, and in the light of day, they are okay. You are okay. I am okay. The A is ok. Life is Good.
laurel
-- Edited by ack at 02:58, 2006-10-28
The way I have been taught is to share in meetings and then my sharing outside a meeting is very simple....I only share with someone when they end a sentence with a question mark.
That totally puts a stop to my need to fix anyone.
Laalee
10/13/89
Step 12 - having had a spiritual awaking as the result of these steps, we tryed to carry this message to others, and to practise these principals in all our affairs.
to me, I work thru all the steps in order and when I am feeling like I have a good program I can carry this message, by people seeing the changes in me. I used to walk with a friend of mine and she asked me how come I am alot calmer than I used to be. I told her about Al-anon and every time we walked she would ask me more questions. After a while she came to meetings with me. Then she told other people about the program and shared her experiences and it goes on and on. We try not to give advice and just say what has worked for us and they can use what they need. After being in the program and working thru the steps we can start using it in all parts of our lives, I have used this program at work and with my daily life. It will all balance out after using all the steps the best we can. Our program is to help the families of alcholics and not tell them what to do or try to control them. The program works and we are all where we are by all the people that have worked these steps before us and have helped us to have better lives. Thank you to all who have helped me.