Step One - We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable. *************************

More details that fill in the meaning/context of unmanageable lives are spelled out in our "Problem:"  

       Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households.

        We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

        We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

         We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

         We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

         These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunctions made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.

       Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to negative excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.

This is a description, not an indictment.   ********************************

As the above description suggests, much of an ACoA's unmanageability of life is specifically in the arena of relationships with others, whether it be work, friendships, initmate partners, family, church communities, etc. 

My own working of Step One included a lot of ACoA meetings where I heard the problem read over and over, and gradually could sort out the parts of the problem that fit me (isolation, confusing certain feelings with others, fear of abandonment, being a reactor rather than an actor) and other parts that didn't (I am not addicted to negative excitement, have not been attracted to addictive personalities).   Then, I really like that last sentence -- this is a description, not an indictment.  THERE IS A WAY OUT (the rest of the Steps 2 - 12 ).  I have worked all of those steps, and I can testify they do work if you work them.  I invite you to work them - you are worth it!

-Lucy

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Thank you for sharing this Lucy.  ML

Dear WakingUp,

ACoA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics, whereas ACA is Adult Children Anonymous.  I think meetings use the two interchangeably.  Whichever way a meeting refers to itself, the large majority of members, but not all, are adult children who do have one or more parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle who is an alcoholic.  The basic requirement for membership is that you relate to the characteristics of growing up in an alcoholic home, characteristics which are share by a number of other types of dysfunctional families.  In my case, the more problematic issues were not alcohol-related but rather the mental illnesses of my parents, with alcohol being the "medicine of choice" to kill the pains and effects of the mental illnesses.  My father, the most active and regular alcoholic in my family, acknowedged in the last year of his life that alcohol was one of his ways to deal with the anxieties and demons that distressed him thorughout his life.   My mother tells me she drank so that my father wouldn't have as much left in the house to drink himself.

I have found I identify in much more with Adult Children meetings than with Al-Anon meetings, because I am not dealing with active alcoholics -- or even recovered ones -- in my life, and have not become a codependent or enabler in any way really.  Rather, I'm left with dealing with what ACoA/ACA is all about -- the effects of growing up in my unhealthy home of origin where no one's needs were met.  As one example, I was just sharing with a friend last night, that in my family, not once was I ever hugged by either parent or told I was loved, not once in 17 years.  That is a basic human need, touch and nourishment, we need it to grow into healthy adults able to bond with others and to trust.  Of course I am going to have tendencies towards isolation and fear of abandonment and mistrust as a consequence!  I "learned" that anyone who is close to you on whom you depend is going to abandon you to an isolating place of "untouchability" -- I'll probably be unlearning that, with the help of my higher power whom I call God, for the rest of my life.

Lucy

Thanks, Lucy.  What a tough childhood you had.

My mother was critical, demanding, blew hot & cold, was bitter and angry and had rages.  For example, she refused to even meet her great-grandchildren.  I think she had some sort of personality disorder, but she didn't drink to excess.  She was, however, the child of active alcoholics.

I never thought of myself growing up in a dysfunctional family and my parents never drank.

But I cried as I read the "problem" and realized I share most of the characteristics described.

How do I find out more about ACoA/ACA?  

Thank you for this post!

Dear WakingUp,

     Your mother sounds like she had what is called "Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD]," the rages and blowing hot and cold in particular.  A major component of BPD is denial, the same as with an alcoholic or codependent parent.  I would recommend you do a google search on that term, because there are several listservs out there that can help you understand BPD and the devastating effects of it on the family and friends of the BP person (BPD has only been in the psychological association's list of diagnosed conditions since 1980).  I have two sisters with BPD, and a dead father.  It has been so helpful to me to research and find out more about what I have been dealing with, and separating that out from the specific addictions that are also part of my family history.  And I am powerless over the combined effects of the whole kit and kaboodle!!

Lucy

Susan,

    YOu can find out more about ACoA/ACA by going to the ACA Service Organization website which is www.adultchildren.org.  From there, you can download a number of things, for instance, the Solution to the Problem and the twelve steps and the Promises of the program, etc.  Plus, you can find meeting listings there.

Lucy

Funny... I didn't really get that I was powerless when my marriage to an alcoholic husband ended.  In spite of all that I did, and then refused to do, he continued to drink.  And to turn me out.  And to move further away.  And to drink more.  And to come home less.  And to go more and more emotionally dead to me.  Even when he left,  I still thought that I had some control because "at least that was the end of that".  

And then my lifelong alcoholic mother died... and my world fell apart.  What copers I had left me.  My internal world shattered.  And life, for me, became truly unmanageable.  Not that it wasn't before, but that I now could see it.

This is my first experience with the Steps.  I am glad to be here.

Alexandra

Hi. I've was active in my 20's with ACoA for about 7-8 years. Then, I had a miraculous experience. I became well.

In my late 20's I married a land surveyor, stable, responsible, gentle, treated me like a princess. The only little tiny hidden drawback was that he was abused as a child, had sexual abuse issues from others in a group home, and innappropriate sexual behaviors from his father (who incested his sister, my ex's aunt, as a child and fantasized about it as an adult). So that played out in a marriage where I thought something was wrong with me, he never wanted normal intimacy in the dark (without being graphic).

In year two I found a receipt for $700 from a strip club. His pattern was to "work overtime" which I did not have a clue meant he was off having his jollies elsewhere with someone else. We sayed married for 10 years after he begged me not to leave.

Throughout there were intimacy issues as mentioned, plus in the latter year there were aggression issues with my oldest son, not his biological child which resulted in about 5 arrests for him for DV.

I met an "A" during the breakup, and have been on the rollercoaster of alcoholism for 2 years. My "A" went sober with rehab in Mar 06.

He moved into a friends guest house two months ago. The relative silence of the active use plus the distinct silence of a more distant relationship has left me doing tons of bibliotherapy, journalling, processing my thoughts, and attending Al-Anon & ACoA meetings online. My realization is how far down the scale I slid into my role as the one who has no needs, no identity, no pride, and no boundaries.

So, here I am again in my early fourties examining my life for the past one and a half decades and coming to the realization that without my program I have NOT done well at all. I have allowed my spirit to become captive to the very things I worked so hard for 7 years to break free from. The familiar has been amongst me all this time, and it's appalling that I wasn't seeing it.

The sickest thing I've done to myself in my current relationship is formed the behavior pattern again where I am desperately trying to get and keep love, and it's being dangled in front of me then yanked away over & over (albeit not out of cruelty but rather out of a terror of needing and loving someone). Knowing intuitively that I need to detach and set boundaries around me and what I need has led me back to my program and the things I need to hear, work, and share on to regain clarity and self-sufficiency.

So my step 1 is this - my life is unmanageable. Without my program I slip into self-defeating behaviors that don't value my preciousness as a soul worthy of unconditional love. I lose the ability to love myself when I am around toxic people unable or unwilling to give me the same thing I give to them. I cannot control the disease, I cannot fix the past or the pain, I cannot live with the behaviors.

-- Edited by SheilaC at 17:15, 2006-12-15

I'm new to all of this, although I should have been here many years ago.  My father was an A, and my "childhood" was chaos.  I grew up believing I should fix everything.

My 19 year old son is now an addict, drugs and alchohol.  This first step is big for me.  I'm trying to stop questioning, snooping, nagging, yelling, begging and fixing.  I'm trying to understand that he has to address this problem in his own way and in his own time.  he has been arrested twice on minor possession charges, and his second court date is in two weeks.  I wanted to let him deal with the public defender but my husband hired him a lawyer.  I am tring to stay out and let him deal.

I have recently begun work with a therapist that specializes in addictions.  Tomorrow I am planning on attending a families anonymous meeting.  I am trying to find a local acoa meeting, but there arent very many around.