I realize that you are on step two now, but I can't even conceive of getting step two as I can't even get step one.  I know I am powerless over alcohol and people, places, and things.  That was easier for me.  Unlike most people on here (and in meetings) I don't feel any connection to a higher power.  I don't see how I will ever come to believe in an HP, and I can't declare my life unmanageable because that feels like failure and I have no confidence that there will be a higher power there to help me.

I have tried everything, asking my God to reveal himself, praying morning, noon, and night, asking for guidance, going to 3+ meetings a week.  I don't know how to "let go" when I don't think there is anything there.  I actually do believe there is a God out there and he works in some people's lives, but I don't feel it in my own.  If anything I am starting to hate God.  Many things are going wrong in my life, but I am still managing as best I can.  If all the things are going wrong to convince me that my life is unmanageable, then why would I ever trust a "power" like that who made things worse for me? How can I rely on something or love something like that?

My frustration level with this program is overwhelming. I want it to work so badly. It makes no sense to me, it has no logic.  I have a sponsor and I have been coming for 6 months.  She wants me to write out all the ways that my life is unmanageable, but the more bad things that happen the more I dig in to "prove to God" that he cannot bring me down.  I know this is the opposite of how most of you feel. I don't want to feel this way but I just can't believe in something that I don't have any evidence of - it is like asking me to believe it will snow here today (I live in southern California).  How do you MAKE yourself believe something?  I find this program so hard..........I really do want it to work.

Hello Lisa

I can((( relate )))) i was the same way wen i first sober up..it can be frustrating..i did not no what to belive in or who..i never been to church or i dont no anything about the bible.

What help me was  what me sponcer told me ....this program does not demand you belive in anything ....that you just be willing....open minded

as a result of working this program ..the best of my ability i came to belive...i just did the footwork no matter if i thought it was working or not because some were down the road light bulb came on ...it says no human power can releve are Alcoholishm..then how was i staying sober ....from sombody who could not stay sober for 24 hours..at that time i had 2 years sober.....

And about ..unmanageability...BEYOND OUR ABILITY TO INFLUENCE,,DIRECT,CONTROL,PREDICT,OR SUSTAIN ONES LIFE...i dont no what is going to happen in my life...wen i was drinking i thought i could control my life..all that was for me was acceptance...

there are some books that might help...12x12....came to belive...thank's 

 

 

Lisa,  I think a lot of us come into the program lacking any trust in God or any Higher Power.   I am like you, in that I cannot do Step 1 all by itself either.  It's just too awful to think that if I can't control things that there is either no control at all and so complete chaos,,  or that some spiteful and hostile HP is trying to cast me into hell. 

I think the key is, as Russ shared,  we can't control God either, and it is in just 'letting' God have control inasmuch as we dare for as long as we dare, even if it is just for one second, like I did.  Then we are 'open' to finding out that God is not hostile and actually is a very mercifully loving and wise God.

I also started out with some anger at God, for allowing some horrible things to happen and conditions to exist in my life. That's okay too.  It was honest and came from my childhood experiences and perceptions of things.  After my experience of wrestling with God, thinking that He was like my abusive earthly father,, and God did not strike me with lightning,,  but instead showed Himself to be patient with me.  We began to 'work together' and my real healing and recovery began.

There are things to read, and Step meetings, that can help you with this, as Russ says.  The 12 x 12 book (The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions), "Came to Believe", and the Big Book being the main ones.  And local groups have also been very helpful in the transition and growth from one way I 'understood God'  to the next.   I find that even after 18 years now,,,  my understanding is still growing. I am still learning.   None of us 'understand'  God completely.  Our understanding of life, God, ourselves, other people and everything constantly changes from the way we look at it at 5, 10, 20, 35, 70.

Do you believe in Love?

Go ahead and tell God what you think,, and then,,, really try to listen.

love in recovery,

amanda

Hi Lisa,

I can relate to your post, too.  When I first came into AA not only did I not believe in God, but I had no desire to believe, and looked down on those who did.  What I did believe, however, was that I had made a mess of my life.  Because I did not believe in God, I couldn't blame him for the mess I knew I had created.  I also knew that I deperately wanted to get sober.  I guess maybe it was jusyt my time, but at the time if you told me that peanut butter and jelly would keep me sober, I would have eaten it 24/7.  For me, initially, the power greater than myself became the collective will and spirit of the group of complete strangers that was helping me more than even my family ever did.  It worked.  I've been sober 10 years, and although I do believe now, it was a long and drawn out process.  My spiritual awakening was of the educational variety.  Hang in there, and keep posting.  We need you.

Mike

 Hi Lisa, When I first came into the program I didnt know what to believe in either. I hung on tight to my group and than I started seeing all the wonderful things I could do. I love the clouds, the sunset and sunrises. I had pantic attacks really bad and was always watching for the rays to come out of the clouds than I knew I would be okay. My highter power whom I now call God always shows me that he is there but 'he gave us all free will and it is this free will that can really mess things up,but with our higher powers help and this program we will make it.  I love this program and have been here ( Al-anon meetings) for a long time. It can be applied to every part of my life. So I am sending you (((hugs))) to help you feel better.

hi Lisa and everyone thanks , yeah it doesn't have to be ' a God ' . If you are stuck you could believe in whatever you like eg ' The Programme ' or nature , or whatever. Amanda made some good points about what sort of HP we are looking . And you don't have to figure things out necessarily . The programme recommends that we just keep attending it and the answers we need will come to us ,

llol Vickyr x

For me, in my early struggle with sobriety, I somehow made a small opening in my mind thinking that maybe, just maybe, these AA meetings would help me stay sober. And that is all I needed to do to allow a Power greater than myself to help me with my alcoholism.

Today, the paradox of admitting my powerlessness over alcohol and the resulting unmanageability in my life is very clear. By doing so, I freely get all the help and support I need to live sober, one day at a time. I don't have to try anything alone anymore. The Second Step says that I come to believe in a "Power Greater than me", not "God" or even "Higher Power". And this Power, for me, in the beginning was this weekly once AA Meeting that I started going to, the members there who shared their experiences with me, their love, care and guidance, and of course, I must agree with others who shared too that the book "Came To Believe" was my constant companion those days. For sometime later in my sobriety, this Power was "God I do not understand", but still the point is that I come to believe... Moreover, in all my spiritual experiences in my sobriety, it was not so that God gave me a vision or started talking to me in a supernatural way, but I started feeling my Higher Power's presence in my daily life, working miracles, thru other people and thru many situations. I just have to open my mind to witness this Power greater than me at work in my life...

Hi Lisa,

My name is "Blessed," the reason I can call myself "BLESSED" is because like you I started out without an understanding of who God is. I not only understand who he is but I understand how very much he Loves me and you. I guess you could say I hated him too. I want to say to you that your right where your supposed to be. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I am coming up on 13 years sober and it is because of GOd's Grace that I am sober from Alcohol ,drugs, extremely wild living since I was 13 years old. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Higher Power is Jesus Christ. That's Blessed.

Try relaxing by taking a bath, light some candles, cry, we as alcoholics have drowned ourselves from feeling anythnig for so long that you are going to start to feel when you quit drinking and using, find a Sponsor where you are that can LOVE you and get you through these steps for the first time, take a walk and give it "ALL UP," speak to the air you already know that he is listening to you. " GOD LOVES YOU," your his child. Your his creation and your not a mistake.

Read the first 163 pages of the Big Book! Then you can answer the question yourself are you an Alcoholic? If you are So What! So are millions of other people and they are beautiful just like you. We just don't drink.  I still work with a Sponsor and I still work on the Steps, after all this time. I still beleive in "MIracles" your next.

I'll be praying for you.

I Love You,

Blessed

I am praying for you! I Love you

If you can't accept that life is unmanageable with you in control, how can you change? I think the key to step 2 is believing we can be healed with outside help. I like to tell people that step 2 is about deciding that while we are powerless to change, there is power out there to change us. If you can't believe in God, think about what things awe you. Some common things that give people power are nature (ocean, mountains, beauty), music ( uplifting and go straight to our feelings), and even science (amazing beauty in how things work). I remember going to San Francisco and staring at the Golden Gate bridge, it is just an amazing work of art and engineering. What do these things have in common? They remind us to be humble, that we are small. Look at the stars, and fathom how far away they are. Humility is the beginning of accepting our powerlessness. When we can do that, we can begin to accept there may be power out there to help us.

peace
Dave

Hi Lisa - I can so relate to what you said. I was married to an abusive a and could not imagine a God would allow abuse to happen. But I kept coming back as I didn't feel so alone after a meeting. As I listened and read the literature I began to recognize that it wasn't God who was messing up my life it was me. I was accepting unacceptable behavior from my spouse. I would leave and come back for more - time and time again - believing him - one more time - when he said it wouldn't happen again. I used the tables as my Higher Power and learned that I needed to take care of myself. I reachd out to others and made phone calls between meetings. I have an agnostic as my main sponsor. However the longer I'm in the program the more I feel there is something bigger than me that gives me strength. I find that if I put myself first and take care of my needs (not wants) first I am then much better able to deal with life as it comes to me. Back to your original question - I guess the tables became what I needed to teach me that I had no control over alcohol - nothing I had done had changed the a - and because of that my life was certainly unmanageable. Step Two says Could not Would restore us to sanity so I kept coming back - kept reading and kept doing the footwork I was told to do. Today I have a Higher Power that wants me to be happy, joyous and free. That gives me the courage to do the next right thing - to refuse to accept unacceptable behavior and to say no when it's in my best interest. And to know that I don't heve to explain my no. I still don't know what that Higher Power is - I'm not religious - but my program tells me that's ok. Love and hugs - Dot

How can you do Step one or Step Two without God? Hello everyone! I am pondering more and I would like to say without God I couldn't succed and couldn't get to Step 12 and have my Spiritual Awakening. You see I beleived the promises and what that book said to me. I had HIT such an enormous bottom that it had to be true. I was not willing for years to surrender to a LOVING GOD, because I wasn't LOVINg or KIND myself. I was A LIAR a CHEAT and a THEIF. When I drank or used all I cared about was me and me only. It was never about anyone else or anything else. Just runnig all the time. Sure I had escaped and lived through C.Y.A. rapes, beatings, and many types of abusive relationships in my youth and into my adultlife. Blaming them on God, my parents ,my boyfriends or whomever only kept me in further bondage to those people that didn't even care. All of the basics of ALcoholics Anonymous is founded on God. Bill w. and Dr. Bob learned it from the Oxford Group in London. The main teacher was a Pentecostal Pastor named Shoemaker that taught them the precepts of the 12-Steps. Our Prayer: God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. That prayer is longer we say the short version which is beautiful and nice. I have to remember that I am not alone that you have been hurting as much as me or more. That God can and will heal you if you come to him with a Repentent Heart. I have FRee Will it is a Gift from our Creator, God himself. My Free Will today is to Help myslef and those that are on this message board. So we know that there is "HOPE" and that "HOPE" comes from GOD himself. Lord, How Often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times , but up to seventy times seven. Everything in our healing boils down to FORGIVENESS, Ours and others. Thanks for letting me Post, Blessed