Step 3 may be the hardest one to understand and to work for adult children: 

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. 

I know each part of this was a challenge for me. 

Part I:  "Made a decision..." -- not contemplated, nor tentatively concluded it might be a good idea, made sense, nor thought about trying it out for a little while, nor planned to make such a decision next week, or next month, or after getting through/surviving the current crisis/issue; nor sought out others who could help by making the decision for us.    Made a decision, our selves, today, an adult commitment.     This making a decision part required, for me, developing more focus and strength of character, adult character, than I had when I first contemplated the step.  So, for me to work this step, I had to first learn a little more about how I, Lucy, was going to reach a decision as an adult.  My inner child could not make this decision for me, so she needed to be "parented" enough so that she could calmly go along with and trust a serious adult commitment.  It was quite empowering, though, to actually feel I was emotionally "adult" enough that I actually could make the decision!

Part II "to turn our will and our lives over" -- I had neither a will nor a "life" in the normal adult sense to turn over.  My choices, wants, needs were mostly not apparent to me, they had been buried so long.  I was more or less a reactive, codependent, type of adult child.  My "life" was that of a child's inside an adult body.  Sometimes a smaller child, sometimes more of a teenager child, but always a child.    So, before I could turn my will over, and my life over, I needed to develop a sense of what each of those were.  Just a simple example - eating, my "will" regarding eating, and my "eating life." .  I did not even know what my tastes were.  Did I prefer junk food for breakfast, or lunch?  Did I like healthy food?  Food was an issue in my family of origin -- my alcoholic father could cook, my codependent mother could not really.  He cooked for himself alone, and criticized my mother for her lack of both cooking skills, and keeping a good budget for the household meals.  I never learned to eat properly until I went to college.  If there was a can of spagetti, I might open it and eat it cold for breakfast.  I might eat more than I needed (because it might not be there the next day), or less than I needed (because I didn't want to "take more than my share," whatever that meant). 

So, before I could turn my "will" regarding eating over to God, I worked on understanding myself and my appetite and needs and preferences regarding eating.  I developed my eating lifestyle.  I realized the part that was unmanageeable for me was not my choices per se but rather maintaining my own preferences in the company of others.  My "will" was to give in to peer pressure -- everyone wants anchovies on pizza? Then anchovies it is!  Everyone wants to eat dinner at eight in the evening?  Then 8 it is.  I do like anchovies; I do not like, and my body does not feel good with, eating later than 7pm.

I had to do this with each part of my life and life style.

Part III:  For me the "care of God as I understood God" part was the easiest of the three, because I have been blessed with a strong faith in God, and with freedom from "abuse of authority" and "invoking of God's wrath" that so many other adult children have faced. 

When parents have violated your trust in them, usually they have crossed that sacred boundary of your spirit that then closes to protect itself.  It is really hard work to re-open a window or a doorway in that boundary to let in the care and direction that can be provided by one's "Higher Power" -- gentle good loving force of nature or a benevolent universe or a God as religions have tried to give us a vocabulary for.  Parents felt like a HIgher power to us as children, that is normal human development, and so reaching out to a healing resourceful Higher Power later in life for us adult children means facing and moving beyond our survival instincts to reject parental-looking higher powers in any form. 

For me the hardest part of this was giving up the self-imposed expectation of doing most of the work alone - God helps those who help themselves.  I was a little bit over heavy on the "I have to help myself a lot first" part of this equation.  It helped me to reword this folk saying to read "God helps those who help themselves by being open to God's guidance and being willing to take baby steps towards change."

So -- I hope this offers some food for thought for any readers here.

Lucy

I went to meetings despite what the steps said. I had a lot of resentment towards religion and God. I suppose this is true for a lot of people entering recovery. I remember going to church as a kid, and wondering where exactly God was in my home. I became good at math and science so it was very easy to toss God into the superstition pile. It wasn't until I learned how to trust that I began to sense what spirituality was about. I handed over my will to the program rather than a God I couldn't believe in. I saw how my will had gotten me nowhere. The concept of higher power didn't really make sense because I was only aware of authority figures that abused their power. I was a early teen as Watergate became public. It was very easy to believe that anyone with power became corrupt. What guided me in the right direction was appreciating the good things in the world. I was able to shift my negative thinking by reminding myself I was a very fortunate person. As I began to learn to love and accept myself, I began to see that my progress was not because of what I had done, but rather because of how I had been helped. I began to see the power of humility, and began to appreciate that it wasn't a coincidence that once I surrendered I was freed from the jail my childhood had produced. Remaining a victim was my choice, and the way out was letting go, accepting I was loveable and loved unconditionally by God. One of my favorite quotes is - "Life is painful, suffering is optional." Life is hard, but the more I saw a method to the madness, I began to appreciate God's hand in my life.

Letting go relieves us of a burden that we need not carry any longer. As a child I couldn't feel all my feelings and survive. As an adult I can feel my feelings, and thrive.

Peace
Dave

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. "

When I've looked at life and seen the harm that has been done to me by the people who "cared" for me, how easy can it be to believe in a God who loves me, and orders my steps, and who wants the best for me no matter how it looks on the outside.

When the only "control" over chaos was my actions or inactions, how easy is it to be in the midst of chaos and trust in God to take care of me?

When I have lost faith in every person who has intersected in my life (because we all have short-comings) at least once in my relationship with them, how easy is it to believe that God will not fail me?

When I have not had unconditional love from another adult in my life, how easy is it to believe that God has this unconditional love for me and cares more about me then I can fathom?

Despite all of the logical rationalizations as to why I shouldn't do it, my instinct for survival is and has been to do just what step 3 says. I have turned my will and life over to Him, because not doing so I will perish in my fears, insecurities, and failings to manage my own affairs.

God has my life, my will, and my heart in His hands. I believe in Him, in only the barest ghost of the way He believes in me.