Step Four - Took a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  For many of us adult children, working this step is kind of like going and shopping for a new pair of shoes -- we have to try on different varieties, sizes, and versions to see what fits, maybe even buy a pair and wear it, then get something different if our feet get sore after a half hour or so.

       For some of us heavily shaped by the abuse and neglect and addictions and mental illnesses and immaturity and plain old quirkiness of our parents, we must "take a blameless inventory of our parents" in order to understand what kinds of lens to look through in taking an inventory of ourselves.  I remember when I was young and trying to figure out what kind of creative writer I was, was meant to be by the God of my understanding, what was my voice, what was not my voice, my messages, my themes, my talents, my shortcomings.  My wise Uncle told me, I would never figure out who I was as a writer, what my writing would be all about, until I understood the kinds of writers each of my parents were or tried to be, and what they were trying to write.  The same is often true of adult children taking their first 4th step inventory. 

      As a second option, for those of us who grew up to become addictive/compulsive in any form, or became codependent and "Al-anon"-like in our relationships with others, the designs of 4th step inventories of other programs can be a useful "First 4th step" -- clarifying some of the present day/present moments issues before digging deeper into childhood related concerns.  I found taking an Al-Anon fourth step as my first 4th step to be very good practice for me. 

     For others of us, the first 4th step may be simply getting to know who we are with all our strengths and weaknesses for the first time in our lives.  If we don't know who we are and who we are not, we will be unable to ask for help in changing those parts of ourselves that interfere with us living healthy, and healthful lives.  Many of us received distorted mirroring of ourselves in our families of origin, reflected to us either in words or in attitudes and actions/inactions.  We are now works in progress, in need of some reconstructive surgery of our adult selves, some rewriting of the scripts we have internalized as the ones we need to follow. .  Just as in a writing workshop when providing feedback to another writer, I have been trained to balance each piece of constructive criticism with something positive and favorable, when I take my adult child inventory, I need to be aware that I am working with an inner child who needs that same kind of balance in the feedback being expressed.  We need to have the balance in order to have become aware of the foundation of strengths and assets we can stand on as we are allowing other parts of ourselves to be deconstructed and rewritten.

    And for yet others of us, a 4th step inventory styled after and directly tied to the "Problem" and the original "Laundry List of Characteristics" which we identified with when coming into ACA may be what suits us best.

   For me, I've needed to go through all four approaches to end up with the unique hybrid of concepts and questions and vocabulary that comprise a good outline for the "Lucy" fourth step inventory.  That's been great -- I have been enriched by each perspective.   

    One of the wonderful things about the steps is that we can keep taking them, over and over, and we get farther along our spiritual journey each time.  Or, to go back to my first metaphor of the shoes, as we wear out a pair, we have another variation we can go try, buy, and walk in for a while

LucyM 

HI Lucy,

    Wow. These message forums are so helpful. I just had written a post in regards to help in taking my first fourth step before I read yours.

I appreciate you taking the time to post your experience with the 4th step.

Just celebrated my 1st anniversary in alanon. Also an ACOA and just starting to really get busy with the steps. I have an awesome sponsor in which a relatioship is developing but my people pleasing gets in the way. Dont want to take up too much of her time. Always thinking I am  a bother to her. Need to really get past this. I think I put her on a pedastool and feel I owe her something for wanting to spend time with me. This is how I feel in lots of my relationships. Why would anyone would want to be with me??????  The need to pay them back by gifts... favors etc..... Facing this defect is big because I feel I dont feel deserve love just because......And it is  uncomfortable to not give something in return for ones love, time etc....

A work in progress:.

Thanks so much,

Theresa

 

Thank you for this insightful and helpful share. I certainly appreciate it. As a member of Emotions Anonymous but with a background of AcoA (codependancy too and a nicotine addiction that's still active) this describes much of what I found perplexing when I did my first Step 4 and encourages me to continue with my plans to do yet another.

My first was a surprising insight into who I actually am! It's true my own character was 'foreshadowed' by alot of stuff 'others' had told me......I found I had assets my first time around, and it was a blessing! I thought I'd 'done it wrong'....lol, but was assured I hadn't. Then I've done mini Step 4's around family issues, and still I feel compelled to work another, but with greater gentleness towards me and my 'defects' that I can face without guilt or remorse or anger now. It's taken time but I am feeling serene...and your experience seems to support my own, for which I am truly grateful. I am not alone.

Thank you for sharing the road of your Step 4(s)- I thank you for helping me put into context some of my own experiences.

Yours in Program.......

hi Lucy Theresa and ML thanks for that reminder - v important after looking over our faults
to try to let it go and list some positives as well to get an overall picture I learned that the hard way ! otherwise there would be no point I guess

llol Vickyr x