There I go again.  Walking through the halls of the junior college where I attend when the thought hits me again.  Why didn't I get mad today?  When things at work went quarky?  Or at the thoughts of "wasted" time or the "predicament" that I had gotten myself "into" by drinking?  Where was that old, familiar anger?  It wasn't an emotion that I could even enable anymore.

I believe the A.A. look at anger.  For me, anger was (and truthfully, still is at times) my principal downfall.  My transformation happened gradually.  There were lots of events when I felt the changes happening, by "practicing" my sobriety again and again in numerous situations, so many tiresome, irritating situations.  Thankfully, I no longer feel irritation toward the events and the event of my life. 

I mean, the quality of my emotions, after drinking, was poor.  How I thought of things in terms of depravity and morbidity.  I am astonished right now at how much I have grown.  I don't think that I'm prone to relapse, dreadful, ghoulish relapse. 

If there were a magic pill which prevented relapse, I would take it.  But I wonder so much -- relapse back in to what?  Did I ALLOW it to take possession of my mind and heart and soul?  If I did, then why?  It is irrational all the way around. 

For awhile I went to the Bible.  Even got into New Testament Greek, and bought a Spanish Bible to further my education.  I found a "new angle" into the scriptures, I thought.  I was always looking for "new angles" into stuff?  The Bible taught me two things:  to hold my tongue, but more importantly, to love, love, love.  Love can only be given.  Once love is released it is transformed within in the mind of its reciepient.  If you give time to think about others you will begin to feel a compulsion to easy their discomforts.  Who doesn't have a discomfort in life? 

We sludge through our prime years, disgraceful and slothfully.  Come to a recognition of the truth, or don't.  Then what.  Go on the wagon?  Get dry for a few months, relapse.  It's generally the lonliness, I find.  It's the lonliness, the indomitable lonliness.  Lonliness pushes more of our people into dire situations. 

But it humility that saves.  It comes through discipline.  In my case, I felt so alone, I would go about to learn a foreign language of some sort.  I set out to ascertain mathematical truth.  I felt certain the Mathematical Truth would transform me mentally, would give me the foundation.  The one, true foundation which everybody is looking for.  But it's gone.  It's like a firefly, suspended and glowing in the lushness of evening air, the THING that would cure us -- our Foundation.

more to come ............ peace, love, and above all, sobriety ...........