If we were really powerless over alcohol, we could have never escaped from our alcoholism.  This proves that we do have power to change our lives.  Also, maybe it was, actually, US who allowed ourselves to exhibit alcoholism.  Alcoholism is nothing in reality, because alcoholism cannot be diagnosed.  That is what makes it mental.  And being mental, alcoholism takes on aspects of spirituality.

It's tough when we arrive at the "jumping off point".  It was  the manner in which we conducted our lives for years.  In recovery, with or without A.A., we wish to block the memories, to erase them from the pages of our lives.  That's a mistake.  Don't try to erase your mistakes; don't try and highlight them either.  Just accept that it happened and acknowledge that you are not wrong for trying to change. 

Changes burden most.  The rut of a way for an alcoholic has become for them, the norm, the standard way.  And a standard being established, it was enormously difficult to deconstruct.  The changes are entirely mental in recovery.  These changes open us up to the possibilities.  Alcoholism placed bricks around ourselves; only gradually extinguishing the "light" within ourselves.  The light terrifies many.  The darkness, being more natural and easily acquired way, the darkness encourages us along its numerous ways and through its numerous cavernous voids.  Those enormous voids are what you encounter when you first hit the wall of recovery.  It is power which we absorb.  The power to "realize" the past, present, and future need not be one continuous nightmare.  The power is what, ultimately, liberates the alcoholic.

The way to having power, for me at least, came through self-discipline.  I knew that my life lacked balance and discipline.  I felt like a savage lots of time.  I knew that my mind wasn't correct, actually, it enfuriated me for years because I knew that my mind wasn't right and that I might correct my mind if I knew how to.  But I didn't know how to change my mind about things, especially the enormous preoccupations of my alcoholism.  Those preoccupations turn us into preoccupational creatures.  It's the eternally lingering details about our alcoholism - i.e. -- what was said?  Why didn't I just go to sleep?  I'm not sure what was said last night.  -- these things, they are to be avoided at all effort.  If you must, force yourself to not think about anything if you have nothing positive to think about.  You could do this for lots and lots of days until, almost transcendentally, all of your debts have been paid, you are relatively certain that you will remain sober, and then you find what eludes many -- enlightenment.

Without "enlightenment" you will never be able to sober up the right way.  For me, enlightenment comes through self-education.  Mathematics and foreign languages.  The reason I choose Spanish to learn was because when I began to live sober at first there were so many quiet and lonely days.  I decided that instead of turning to t.v. or nonsense, I would help others understand things.  But that meant that I would have to sacrifice myself to hours upon hours of study.  That gave me enlightenment. 

b.e.