Step 8 - Al-Anon

dott · Member

Step 8 - Al-Anon

Pandora · Newbie

How long have you been working your eighth step? NONE of MY Business, but just a bit curious. Am wishing the best for you. And once "you" are good, so will those you wish well.

Pandora · Newbie

dott, I apologize to you for interrupting your forum, I was just trying to break thru to someone, as I am not familiar with computer protocol, and am a bit selfishly in need at the moment. Once again, thank you and please accept my apologies for my lack of formality.

Blessed · Senior Member

Step 8, A.A. or Al-Anon,

The very first time I made my list of harms done to others was along time ago. 14 years in Feb, 2008. Yahoo! I had 364 people on my 9th because it was taken from my 4th STEP inventory taken earlier.

It was going to be a dreadfully long time to be able to complete the task of going door to door to make amends. Thank GOd I didn't have too. I wrote some letters to some people far away I couldn't reach, some were written letters I put in a safe place until later ( deferred pile) then I had the phone calls, and the face to face meetings to prepare for in Step 9.

Earlier in my program I was already repentant to know I was a drunk, liar, cheat, theif, manipulative, con-artist, I had to come to the APOLOGY and would you FORGIVE me for what I did.

Even if I was a victim in a violent situation. I took the responsibility for my actions being loaded and being there. I needed to take care of MY SIDE OF THE STREET.

I did wrong to people was cleared on a 14 hour talk with my Sponsor on my 4th Step.

The 9th Step is cut and dry. I either stole, lied, cheated, took advantage, swore, abused, etc. It was something I did to another human being. I hurt them! I needed to make an ammends to them quickly.

Over the years I can apologize fast now if I wrong someone only by God's Grace and learning the program of A.A. I have worked the Steps over People and Places a couple of times.
It is very different compared to working them over drinking.

But the 12-Steps of Recovery worked with a SPonsor that has it together and that has FAITH you will GET IT.

If you are "NEW" and you have a drinking or drug problem. DOn't pick up another drink or drug get to a meeting, get to a sponsor, and you have HOPE of healing and living a full beautiful life.

Joanon · Newbie

When I did my first 8th step, I thought I was supposed to go back to grade school and list the things I did as a kid. All the people I've harmed. . . Wow! Did they want them alphabetical or chronological??? I was overwhellmed. Then my sponsor gave me some direction. She said to look at my fourth step and those I resented. She said to start there, putting myself at the top of my list. Truly the harm I had done myself practicing this disease was extreme. Then, looking at my part in my resentment of others showed me what, if anything, I'd done to harm them. As the garbage cleared from my mind, I could more calmly look at my past and the guilt I still felt over some situations. My list was not so long. I had my work cut out for me. Again, my sponsor worked with me to make sure I was honest and was not going to do something just to ease my guilt. I had to want to make amends, actually mend what I'd broken. She showed me that some on my list were already broken when I found them and my codependence simply enabled them to continue in their disease until they were ready to find recovery. Others, she showed me, would have been more damaged by my amends than they had been by the harm I'd done. I so glad I had a sponsor working with me, showing me that my Higher Power was willing to be with me through this process.

JoanD · Member

Step 8 was something that came REALLY hard for me. Not the making the list part - that was easy since it came right from my 4th and 5th steps. But i put it off for many months, because i knew that once I did it, then the only logical next place to go was to the 2nd half of the step. Since it read " . . . and became willing to make amends to them all", I knew i was no where ready to do that. Especially the idea about making amends to my alcoholic father, who I figured owed ME amends. I used to go to a meeting where i sat at the step table and we did a step a week, in order. Every 12 weeks, i had to face step 8. Usually i got so mad/frustrated that i ended up crying and leaving the table. Finally, my pride got the better of me and I just knew that I couldn't face these friends, yet again, and say that i still hadn't been able to write the darn list! That's when i became willing to listen. They suggested that i get down on my knew and pray for my Dad - every da. Didn't matter if I meant it at first - I still had to do it. So I did. And little by little, my anger and resentment began to leave. i began to see that he, too, was sick and trying to recover. He couldn't undo the past any more than I could. We were, each of us, trying to live a new life and do the best we can with God's help. That was the beginning of me working step 8. The break through I needed to be able (and willing!) to go forward. It hasn't been easy, but it does work! Everytime I've tried it since.

God bless all.
Joan

shimo · Member

What I found amazing about the list in Step 8 is that I needed to place myself at the top of the list. I had hurt myself in many ways, making life more difficult because I had never learned to take good and loving care of myself. My focus was always on others which was a detriment to me.

Today, I accept the fact that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I am grateful for Al-Anon as it teaches me to take good care of myself first and foremost. To me this is my stepping stone to making amends to others I have harmed.

I need to be careful as mentioned by another member, because some of the folks I feel I need to make amends to were already broken before I came into their lives. I cannot fix them, but I can be courteous, compassionate and forgiving.

Sometimes, for me, the only way I can make amends is to change my behavior and if that happens to make others want what I have, then that is a bonus and a blessing.

Love in recovery - Jeri smile

-- Edited by shimo at 13:55, 2007-10-03

Magichappens · Member

The importance of my 8th step was my willingness to change. I could now see where I had played a significant role in creating and maintaining the chaos in my life. My inventory had shown me. Taking responsibility for this with the people involved then would give me accountability.

Since amend means "to change", I needed awareness and accountability to make those changes possible. In the 8th step, I need to ask myself if I am willing to take accountability for my life, my actions, and my decisions. If I am, I can move forward into action in step 9. If not, I may need to revisit my previous steps to get the clarity and understanding that can move me forward with this process.

getoverit · Veteran Member

Step Eight - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Dot dear,
t u v m 4 your share re this
step eigth. The computer here is looking
as if it has a mind of its own - changing font
size distracts me - as yet I have to type with
one eye open or to read, online or a book in real life. Amends to them all - thank you again re the idea of bbringing this tool home to the self. Its been a whiles since I've done the eights and can not really recall what was said or how it was written out, all my stepwork was done in one day due to time constraints I imagined, as is in the notes out of your post a thing its done to myself by me.

I have to go to the done to me by myself before my awareness came to that type of focus, that is to have done it to myself. In step eight, the entanglements of my not knowingness is akin to a state of innocense that must open someway to include the before the game was made so clear to me, that its done to me by my own hand must become integrated then to the child within who inherits the kingdom - so here is to the innocense of that babe I am and then that we all are also then in our indivudually setdance of to make amends turn/s...

gentle paths n light n love n oceans of love 2 all,
getoverit

getoverit · Veteran Member

a quick re to time - some say when we saw the first idea of
alanon and it clicks is when we first started. I'm not sure
who said however, once one begins a learning process,
it ( learning ) can not be ended.. mark twain? plato?? one
of them way back kids with understanding - i dunno... If one
goes with the idea of when the idea first clicked with the
individual, i.e. the seed was planted then, its been over
30 years for me that its been the path of recovery for
me. I keep coming back - no idea how many times I've
done the steps and something or the other always tosses
me back to the first step, that is I am powerless over...
t u v m
oceans of love
getoverit

Baffled · Member

dott wrote:

Step Eight - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

From: How Al-Anon Works pg. 57-58 (copyright 1995, by Al-Anon Family
Group Headquarters, Inc. Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.)
**************************

At first my resentment list was something like "people who have a lot more than I do". That was so vague, I started listing the people I was guilty of trying to control. Then, I realized that my Al-Anon-ism hurts people around me because my own life is in a shambles. The people who depend on me aren't getting anything because there isn't much to give.

Instead of feeling resentment and like they owe me an apology I realized that some people who hurt me with drinking/drugging behaviors deserve amends for the way I acted when I was disappointed. I felt that they should be punished. Now I've learned that it doesn't make sense to punish someone who is sick.

I refused to feel that I needed to apologize at first. I am still wondering what it is like to be around me when I am upset over A. Not very good I imagine.

Otherwise, I'm working on my list and trying to be willing to make my amends instead of feeling resentment. I have made some progress because now I see that my expectations, grumpy moods and unforgiving attitudes are harmful to others.

-- Edited by Baffled at 09:39, 2007-10-09

-- Edited by Baffled at 09:41, 2007-10-09

Vicky R · Senior Member

From: How Paths to Recovery pg. 83 (copyright 1997 , by Al-Anon Family
Group Headquarters, Inc. Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.)

" Some of those we harmed may also have harmed us. Expecting amends from another person only blocks us in our own recovery and keeps us from becoming willing . ' One source of frustration we seldom recognize is in expecting too much of others or expecting too specifically what we feel thye ought to be, say , give or do ' ( One Day at a Time in Alanon ) . Our job is to look at our role . WE can't take another's inveotory or do their Eighth step . By keeping the focus on ourselves we again ask , are we willing ? "

Hi everyone thanks for all the fantastic shares , this is a great tool for recovery. I chose this quote because it's something I used to do before coming into the programme . And still have to watch for ! Other readings suggest making several lists , say for how willing we are to make an amend at this time , and people that that we need to forgive . This makes it more likely that the amends will be real . Look forward to reading you all again soon ,

llol Vickyr x

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