So - the Power Greater than Ourselves part...  Doesn't mention GOD but alludes to it.  And this turns so many people off - including me.  One of the first speakers I heard was fantastic.  I look back on her share now and it was overwhelmingly good.  My first reaction - SHE DIDN'T mention GOD once!  It was great!

What a dolt.  Thank goodness I was actually listening to the rest and walked away with her ES&H - just took a bit to get through my thick skull.

From the big book chapter We Agnostics - "Who are you to say there is no God?"  - Now I am not attacking here - that is just what it says and it is talking to ME.  Who am I to say there is no God?  Why am I fighting this so hard?  No one here in my meetings has told me I need to believe in God.  I can take what I need and leave the rest.  It seemed a cop out when I heard "God as you understand him".  It was like they were trying to appease me thinking - she'll come around sooner or later.  But I am becoming comfortable with it.  There are so MANY Powers greater than myself.  Life has been going on for thousands of years - in it's natural course - and there is little I can do to change or control it.  I am just a blip in this river of time on this planet and I can sit here and be a miserable drunk and fight it - or I can let go and give myself up to this greater Power - life and everything in it.

Another thing in the chapter We Agnostics is the topic of faith.  How many things do I have FAITH in in my life?  Not much - until I was a mother.  The love and selflessness I have for my daughter can not be seen, explained, touched or proven.  It just is.  Why can't I have faith about more things in life?  Does it have to be GOD?  No.  It can be anything I chose - and I chose goodness in others, in myself.  I choose that wonderful feeling you get when walking through nature.  I choose this Group Of Drunks (GOD) who I have seen do amazing things and I haven't even been sober 30 days.  I can have faith in that.  Better than faith that I will have a raging hangover tomorrow.  Better than faith that I am sure I pissed someone off last night that I drunk dialed.  Better than faith that I won't get a DUI - been lucky so far.  Better than faith that if I keep going down this path....I am going to end up dead...

My whole life I have had this emptiness inside me - I can see by my actions I have tried to fill up.  I kept score of every bad thing that happened and felt abused and mistreated.  I was - who hasn't been?  But why can't I just BE.  Why can't I focus on the positive and have FAITH that the core of all of us is good.  Forgiveness is good.  Forgiving myself is good.  My life wasn't horrible.  In fact, my life is wonderful - and I have been and will continue to be happy and grateful for the things I have.  But I was still empty and isolated.  And now I can feel this hole filling up thanks to the presence of GOD (Group Of Drunks) in my life.

Sanity would be good.  Hiding drinking, hiding any imperfection, hiding me - trying to control everything - being guilty about everything - worrying about everything.  I had to be perfect, I had to take care of everyone, I had to play the martyr.  This is not sanity.  Life is going to go on...it always has.  And I believe if I "Let Go and Let Life (My Higher Power)" I will find some sanity.

Just my feelings tonight on the subject.  I have not sat down with my sponsor on this yet - so there may be more to come.  Would love to hear from others.

Thank you.

tlc