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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Step Work -> Step Work -> Finally, what I've learned in step 2
Post Info TOPIC: Finally, what I've learned in step 2
maryellen


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Finally, what I've learned in step 2
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This is the result of a previous post by me.  For some reason, I am not able to post under my old post.

In Step 2, I learned that my view of God is distorted.  I either see God as Scrooge with a nasty anger management problem or as a Grandpa in a rocking chair who winks at sin.  I don't know all the particulars, but I do know that God is really not like these two pictures I've just painted.  I need to come to terms with God as He is.

I'm finding myself in a position where I have to trust other people.  I've had a relapse and had to be put in a residential crisis bed (an AFC home where mental health consumers go if they aren't safe at home but don't need a hospital).  I've had to trust my casemanager and my psychiatrist with things I don't make a practice of telling other people.  I still don't trust the majority of people with my personal problems, but I was able to share my symptoms with my casemanager and my psychiatrist.

Mary Ellensmile

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tlcate


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Hello MaryEllen,

Sorry to hear about the relapse - but glad to hear you are making progress.  I have 32 days sober today.

I can completely relate to where you are.  And one thing I have had a desire for all my life is to have someone I could trust to tell everything to.  I wanted to lay bare my soul and have someone still love me regardless.  I still haven't found that person - but I have let a few slip by - and I also need to learn to do it for myself before anyone else can. 

What I have been experiencing in this step is that relaxing a bit and sharing some of yourself is the beginning of a freedom that is fantastic.  Even a little sharing.  I stuffed EVERYTHING.  I had to maintain perfection.  But even the people you think are doing so well - even those that you think will judge you the harshest - will surprise you.  Humans have an incredible capacity to screw up - and understand when others do as well.

And the key for me is knowing that I can't do this by myself.  And letting go - really letting go of the worry and the guilt was a big part of step 2 for me.  Asking for help - and admitting my pain for me is a step in ending the insanity.  And for me - anyone outside my head is a power greater than myself - and the more the better.  The collective gives you various forms of feedback so you can take what you want and leave the rest.  And perhaps I haven't found that person I can bare my soul to, but I have found a group of drunks who understand - and often say "that is OK" and give me a hug.  And amazingly, at the time I really need it, they call me on my BS and set me on the right path.

And as I started to share myself, and hear others share their stories - I began to understand that I am not horrible, and not unique - and started to loved myself more.  And with that building of confidence - the few people who do judge don't bother me as much.  If they judge me - it is their problem - not mine.  And I try to move on and leave it behind instead of letting it eat me from the inside out.

And lastly, each sober day for me is a day without the turmoil of being drunk.  It is one more day without "that set of problems".  I cherish the thought of never driving drunk again, never have my daughter see me drunk again...and more.  What I have done is past.  I have to apologize and move on.  I can't take it away, but I can make sure it never happens again - and I can let go of the guilt.

Hope that helps.

tlc



-- Edited by tlcate at 06:11, 2008-09-23

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russman


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Hello Mary Ellen ...Glad you are back
And Congrats on 32 days tlcate !!!!!

Atlcoholics Anonymous Does not demand you belive in anything ''that you just be willing ''
Most of us Have no mental defence from that first drink ''that defence must come from a Higher power ''  I had to find a power greater than Alcohol because i am not that power '' some have found that a AA meeting is that power  ,,,There is alot more to step 2 but i have to go right now i will return







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