from "The 12 Steps for Adult Children"

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all"

  "Before entering the 12 Step program, many of us blamed our parents, relatives, and friends for the turmoil in our lives. We even held God responsible. In Step 8, we begin the process of releasing the need to blame others for our misfortune and accepting full responsibility for our own lives...

  "Steps 1 - 7 helped us to center ourselves in the healing power of the 12 Steps. We were given the tools to examine our personal experiences and to see the importance of letting go of our past. We were freed to continue our personal growth by facing our history and putting it behind us...

  "Working Steps 8 and 9 will improve our relationships, both with ourselves and with others. These Steps also invite us to leave behind our isolation and loneliness... As we continue to welcome our Higher Power's presence into our hearts, we will develop a new openness with others. This openness will prepare us... Our intention is to make amends and heal our past so that God can transform the present...

  "Making amends is a difficult task - one that we will execute with increasing skill, yet never really finish. Again, uncomfortable feelings may surface as we come to grips with our past behaviors...

  "For many of us, admitting our misdeeds and making the necessary amends will be difficult. The pattern of our lives has been to blame others and to seek retribution for the wrongs done to us. When we look at ourselves, we see that the retribution we vainly sought only created more havoc. By insisting on our own measure of justice, we lost the ability to set and achieve positive goals. Cycles of hatred and hard feelings were created, and we kept our attention focused away from our own wrong doings...

  "Forgiving ourselves and others helps us overcome our resentments. Our Higher Power has already forgiven us for the harmful actions that alienated us from God. Developing the ability to forgive ourselves is an important element in our ongoing recovery. The ability to forgive others is essential. Amends without forgiveness leads to dishonesty and further complicate our lives...

  "...When preparing the list of people we have harmed, it is best to keep our thoughts directed toward making things right. Although our intentions may be rebuffed, our desire is to obey God and find healing. People on our list may feel bitter toward us and resist our attempts at restitution. They may hold grudges and be unwilling to reconcile with us. No matter how we are received, we must be willing to proceed with our amends...

  "The following are three main categories in which we may have caused harm and for which we must be willing to make amends:

"Material Wrong: Actions that affected an individual in a tangible way, including borrowing or spending extravagance; stinginess; spending in an attempt to buy friendship or love; withholding money in order to gratify yourself; entering agreements that are legally enforceable and then refusing to abide by the terms or simply cheating; injuring or damaging persons or property because of our actions.

"Moral Wrongs: Inappropriate behavior in moral or ethical actions and conduct, including questions of rightness, fairness, or equity. The principle issue is involving others in our wrongdoing; setting a bad example for children, friends, or anyone who looks to us for guidance; being preoccupied with selfish pursuits and totally unaware of the needs of others;... inflicting moral harm (eg. sexual infidelity, broken promises, verbal abuse, lack of trust, lying).

"Spiritual Wrongs: 'Acts of omission' by neglecting our obligations to God, to ourselves, to family, and to community. Making an effort to fulfill our obligations and showing no gratitude toward others who have helped us; avoiding self-development (eg. health, education, recreation, creativity); being inattentive to others in our lives by showing a lack of encouragement to them...

  "Willingness is a key element in completing Step 8. Being willing to forgive ourselves and those who have caused us harm is an important aspect of this process...

  "Occasionally we will be prevented from facing the people on our list directly... we still need to put them on our list... Being willing to make the amends will release us from hard feelings and enable us to experience serenity and peace of mind..."