We admitted we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I was only a child, my sister was only a child when she would push me down the stairs, but she was an adult and knew better when she became an adult and beat me up, called me names, and want to have me committed to a psychiatric ward;   I was a child with they called me stupit, a whore, crazy, retarded; and I was a child when my mother screamed and called me all the bad things she could think of   My abusers were adults and teenagers (sister).  They were all bigger than me and I couldn’t stop them.  My mother never thought twice when she slapped me across the face or beat me with dog leaches, belts, twigs from trees, extension cords.  I was easier for them to call me names such as slut, whore, crazy, stupid, bitch, and much more.  My sexual abusers were grown men and much bigger than me and again I could do nothing to stop them.  I was still a child and powerless to stop them but even if I could I didn't know anybetter because I though that we were just an ordernary family and that this was normal in all familys.  These are just the touch of the abuses that I WAS POWERLESS OVER.

            THE EFFECTS OF THE ABUSE.  I grew up not knowing that there was a different way to live, thinking that, that life style was normal.  There was no kindness or love in my house.  So the hurt, anger, not knowing right from wrong, not knowing what love and tenderness was, not knowing how to express myself, and when I did I didn’t know if I said the right or wrong thing because it usually would result in being belittled or being made to feel stupid, and being blamed for things I did not do.  In my adult life I have never been able to be in a lasting loving relationship.  I still have a hard time expressing myself and still have times that I think  that I am wrong on everything.  The sleepless nights, the mixed up thoughts, the anger, the loneliness, ect.  Depressions, Borderline Personality Disorder, sucide attempts, isolating myself, unable to sleep for days - even with my medication, then sleeping for days.

            THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.

            I can't seem to get myself on a scedual on my sleeping habits.  I can't think straight and have a lot of stupid ideas. For a long time I had put up a wall around me so that I didn't get hurt and no one could penitrate it. 

            I am working with a T that I like and will soon be working on my BPD.  I am now pusting myself out the door to go for a wake, but many day sill I can't seem to do it.  I is a real uphill battle.  I am also thinking of going back to work.  I think the biggest thing that I have to do is first FORGIVE myself, then my family who abused me, the men who sexually abused me, and those who have hurt me.  I also have to work on that I have a right to my opion and stop people whom like to push me around.  I guess it is called standing up for myself and I hope that my Higher Power will give the "Courage to change the things I can, Accept the things I can't, and the knowledge to know the difference."