Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...Van morrison

I was the first born...my parents met young and married as a result of my coming into the world. Both my parents are alcoholics.Not to mention their parents before them. My parents split when i was 3...just before my little sis was born.

My first drink was at the age of 3. I drank homemade dandelion wine in the closet wth the little boy that lived upstairs...great big headache...told mommy i didn't feel good. My first intoxication.

Growing up we spent sundays at gram and gramps for dinner..on special occasions my sister and i were TREATED to a little shotglass of baby duck.

At the age of 8 i'd won a trip to Hawaii from the calgary stampede...i went with my dad. Everyone thought it would be CUTE if i served the mai tai's to all the passengers...sneaking sips as i went. My 2nd intoxication.

I always felt different, like i never belonged anywhere. I wasn't good at socializing. I didn't have many friends. Never had a good self image, self confidence was absolutely foreign.

At 14 i had a beer and a joint of marijuana with a group of people from school.Wow i thought.

It was the courage i was looking for, i finally fit somewhere. Started getting asked to go to parties....I blacked out on my first drunk...pretty sure i'd only had maybe 3-4 drinks. I remember throwing up. Oh well i thought...i kept drinking.  This was in junior high school.

When i got to High school i started hanging out with the crowds that drank and drugged. My grades started slipping, not that i had great grades to begin with...I started skipping school to get high...started writing my own notes. I got caught and suspended in grade 11. Made it back though and did graduate from Highschool. At 16 i went to a party and didn't make it home all weekend. Lost my virginity that weekend...when i got home sunday my mom had all my bags packed at the door. Great i thought...now i cna drink and drug to my hearts content.

I waitressed and bartended for many years. Met my oldest daughters dad when i was 20...I was told i couldn't have kids....Didn;t find out i was pregnant till 3 months along...by that time i wasn't with her dad anymore but decided to keep my baby and raise her by myself. After she was born i went back to bartending...kept me in booze...the hangovers really started to get worse...started drinking earlier in the day...more days of the week. Soon it was more important than my daughter and myself. I was obsessed.

Fast forward a couple of years i met my youngest daughters dad...in a bar of course...i was fired from the job i had that night for going into work drunk.

I'd talked him into having a baby with me...thought it would help our relationship...i was determined to have a father for my oldest, thinking i wanted for my offspring to have what i didn't...no matter the cost.

I lost 2 babies...i blamed stress...but i drank and drugged during the early months. A week after losing the last one i was pregnant with my youngest daughter. It didn't fix anything like i thought it would, after being with him for 8 years I finally left. I blamed him. Of course it wasn't my obsession with alcohol. Not long after i met my next boyfriend...he like to drink as much as i did actually he delivered beer for a living so we had all the free beer we could drink and then some. He told me he'd never met anyone who drink more than he could, or party more either. By this time i'd taken a leave of absesnce from work, i called it a stress leave...I was drinking more than ever...i worked now for home care...but drinking and driving, i smashed my car on my way home from the bar one night...that put an end to my job as my car was my job. got a new job...another stress leave...drinking and drugging more than ever...by this time my ex was taking me to court for custody of my girls...even brought up pot to the judge so i had to take a drug test,,,but found a substance that would cover the pot...it worked...had the judge convinced that id didn't have an alcohol or drug problem and was given interim custody of my girls. He had visits with my girls every second weekend....after some time, and decided between my ex and myself my girls started visiting with him for a week at a time...one with me, one with him...this gave me more time to myself than i'd had in years....more time to drink. I found cocaine...all my money, time and energy went into drugs and alcohol...i didn't care about work...my girls...myself...only drinking and drugging.

I was fired from my job...no one in my family knew about the cocaine...i hid it quite well...but everything in my life was quickly slipping away...i didn't even realize it.

Next thing i know,,,my girls tell me they are going to live with their dad...i was shocked....total denial...no food in the house...i was spending NO time with them...not home when they came home from school...leaving them for days at a time with my sister...to drink and drug. All my bills were piling up...energy cut off, no hot water...behind in the rent....this is really hard to relive...'

I let it all go...i lost my home...my girls...my family's respect...i didn't have any respect for myself to begin with so...I tried to excape reality...i tried to excape myself..but everywhere i went there i was. i spent almost 4 years basically living on the streets...even sleeping in parks at times. All i cared about was booze and drugs. Except by now, even they weren't working.

I was close to death many times...My family combed the streets looking for me...i didn't care. The guilt and the shame of where my life had gone was too much for me...i didn't want to live any more.

I finally made it into detox...then a 28 day program...i still wasn't ready to accept my disease,,,i knew i wasn't done yet even before i left treatment...it was true...i lived again on the streets for another6 months.I figured ok...i know now i'm an alcoholic, drug addict...bring it on...a few more times i just about died. I almost resolved to stay out there. I almost accepted being a drunk. I prefered black outs.

On June 9th. 2004 i had my last drink/drug. Detox, 28 day program, and ready to go to any length for my sobriety i went to another 3 month program. I found AA. I'm learning to live, without alcohol and drugs.

Am i powerless? ABSOLUTELY!

Was my life UNMANAGEABLE? EXTREMELY!

I admit it, i accept it, i surrender!!!! I want to live!!!!

Thank you for letting me share, thank you AA!!!

Still not sure if this is whats supposed to be a step 1 share, but here it is anyway, it's all i got

Gotta go dry my tears now.....Wendy