Help!! Al-anon Step 4 Question...

serenity76 · Newbie

Help!! Al-anon Step 4 Question...

Dave Harm · Veteran Member

I would share with your sponsor your concerns with a timeline and see what happens. In reality, the way you're doing it both 4th and 5th steps are being done at the same time.

So the question is do you want your sponsor to know every detail? I did my 5th step with a therapist...

Vicky R · Senior Member

Hi Serenity,

sounds good to me! that she wants to spend all that time with you being thorough. Maybe you feel its a bit too structured and thats also a valid feeling that you could share with her or someone else. Hopefully someone who won't get back to her! As Dave said you may not want her to know everything. I think that is a valid feeling as well. And personally I don't recommend pushing myself more than a little bit with these things. Maybe you could ask her if the two of you can just chat sometimes for a break if thats what you wanted.

litf lloll Vickyr

sealegs · Newbie

Hi Serenity!

It concerns me that your sponsor has any requirements other than the step the way it was written and has you doing step 5 at the same time.

Everybody is different. Their is no right or wrong way to follow the steps, as long as you follow them as you understand them. I personally have found the books with questions to be very helpful for step 4, and I'm doing step 4 again as a refresher, but that is your choice. I've done it so many times over 20 years. It's like keeping my house clean.

How you want to do it is up to you. You could write it on a paper bag if you wanted. Some people have 5 or 6 notebooks. Everyone is different. As long as it works for you. When you do a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself it is truly up to you how you want to do it and discussing it with anyone becomes step 5. According to the Big Book you do step 4 before you do step 5 and I believe for very good reasons. You may do step 5 with anyone you wish. It does not have to be your sponsor.

As long as you know in your heart that you are searching and fearless. When you are ready to discuss it you will know. Just like the first 3 steps, you will feel it in your heart. Feel free to use the books and tell your sponsor but don't feel that you have to share your step 4 with anyone else's terms but your own.

That is my understanding of step 4. Best of luck with it!

sealegs · Newbie

P.S. Step Four is about getting honest with yourself and you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with another person. In the Hazeldon Step Four pamphlet which is about 26 pages long (and I've had since 92') called Getting Honest, page 6 says:

"Laying the groundwork for further Steps

It's difficult (and not very healthy) to do the rest of the Steps until Step Four is completed. A thorough inventory makes your next Steps easier.

So I would not feel right doing or discussing my Fourth Step with someone until I was completed with it. Hope this helps.

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