Week 1 I am powerless over other people.

When I was a teen-ager, I was powerless to stop my older brother - who was a gifted musician, and who is an alcoholic and drug addict from trying to kill himself on my 19th birthday. 

When I was younger, I was powerless stop my mother from drinking after my father died.  (My father died when I was 20.)

After my father died, I was powerless to stop my mother from allowing my brother to move back in to the house to live with my mother.  I was powerless to make my mother see that her son was using and abusing her.  I was powerless to make my mother sell the house and move in to live with me and my second husband.  I was powerless to stop my mother from trying to kill herself.

Now, I am powerless to get my mother to recognize me when I visit her in the nursing home; and I am powerless to hear my brother play another note of music, as he sits alone...his body whithered, bent and broken in the projects.

I am powerless over my daughter...am unable to prevent my daughter from being an alcoholic and a drug addict.  I am unable to prevent her from physical harm to her body and property: from her husband and other men and women she is sleeping with so she can continue to get the drugs she needs.  I am unable to help her financially (I have been laid off of my job):  she spends all of her money on her addictions that she does not have enough money to pay her bills - so one at a time all of her "things" are being turned off.

All of this makes me feel afraid...afraid that my daughter will turn out like my brother...or worse.

I am powerless over my relationships. I am powerless to make someone treat me the way I want to be treated, specifically:  cuddled, loved, stroked, talked to, etc.  Even when I ask my SO to do something, and my SO is willing - it still leaves me feeling like there is a big empty void spot where my heart should be.  This makes me feel sad and very lonely.

I am powerless over illness - weather - nature - things "shit happens" category...so, when my cat pukes up - it gets cleaned up.   When it snows - it gets shoveled (maybe).  When I get a flat tire - I always hope it's a flat that can be fixed (it's cheaper than buying a whole tire) - but I get a tire if I need a tire.  When it rains - hopefully it'll storm so I can watch the lightening.  When I get sick it's time for snot-rags and chicken soup.   

Week 2 Until we reach an intolerable threshold of pain, we will be unable to take the first step toward liberation and renewed strength. We must realize we are powerless before we can totally surrender.  What events in your life caused you to realize the extent of your pain?

The events in my life that caused me to realize the extent of my pain were:

In 2004, 5 people who are close to me were diagnosed with cancer:  my sister, mother-in-law, nephew and two friends.  My mother-in-law (only 63-years-old) was diagnosed in June 2004 and died in October 2004.  One of my friends (40-years-old) also died in 2004.  In 2005 my niece-in-law (only 33) died from a blood clot, leaving my nephew whose cancer went into remission with their two young children (4 and 6 years old).  My daughter showed no respect for my husband’s or my feelings for these people.  It was the first time I really recognized the extent of my daughter’s selfish nature.

My mother and brother are alcoholics and my brother is a drug addict.  My father tried to “fix” them.  My father had five heart attacks – the first one when I was 8 years old.  As a child – my father was my hero.  If my strong father couldn’t fix those crazy people…and trying to fix them would make you end up in the hospital…then trying to “fix” them the way he was doing it was the wrong way to go.

Pain is a signal to act out your addiction, obsession, or compulsion. What specific pain is your loudest signal?

Fear is the loudest signal.  I’m afraid that my daughter will try to kill herself.  I’m afraid that my daughter will become a prostitute.  I’m afraid that my daughter will OD.  I’m afraid that my daughter will die a lonely death.  I’m afraid that my daughter will die…and she will miss out on living. 

We think that life is working when we rely on our old survival techniques. How has this blocked you from seeing your real problems?

My survival technique is to stuff all of my feelings down deep inside of me.  I hide them so far inside that they cause me real intense physical pain – to the point where I have to take medication.I see my real problems.  It’s FEELING them that is hard.  When I start feeling them – it’s hard to stop.  That’s why I came here.    When I start feeling the fear about my daughter…I can’t seem to stop feeling scared.  I obsess.  I saw where the drink and the drugs messed up my mother and brother. Those images are so hard to shake.  The little child inside of me sees those and cries and cries and cries and believes that this is what will happen to my daughter.  It is so hard to parent my own inner child. 

Yes- I know…the Higher Power.