When I did my first 4th step, I was about 3 months sober. I read in the big book how to do it, but kept putting it off. I didn't want to put it down on paper. My sponsor was adamant that I do one, so I finally, after alot of foot-dragging, started to write. What I discovered about myself was that I had alot of built up resentments and anger...and I didn't know where it was coming from. On surface, I thought I was FINE! I It took alot of reaching deep inside to find out why I was so angry. I really thought that on the whole, my life was okay, yet I was alcoholic, so there must be something wrong somewhere, right?

What I found out was that I was wallowing in self-pity and fear. My entire life was a history of me trying to do something, sabatoging it and then feeling sorry for myself when things didn't go my way. I was resentful at my parents for moving me around so much that I never knew how to make a friend(nevermind the fact that my dad was military, we're talking about poor little me). I was resentful at my sibings for not including me in their lives(nevermind the fact that I shut them off). I was resentful at my husband for not being willing to put up with my BS(nevermind the fact that he was trying to stay sober and I was a practicing alcoholic). By the time I got sober I had pretty much lost everything I wanted in my life and yet I couldn't accept the fact that I had any part of it. Doing the 4th step forced me to really look at my life and see that I was the problem, not anyone else around me. My troubles were of my own making.

It was hard to do the 4th step for the first time, but I had been told if I didn't I would probably get drunk again, and I knew I would die if I did. So I started, would work on it for a little bit( about 20 minutes was all I could do at first) then go for a walk and talk with God for awhile, then go back and work some more. As I continues to work on it, more things kept coming up, so I kept writing. When I thought I had finished I would read over it and discover I had left something out, so back again to the papers. During this time, while I was working on it, because I felt so bad about everything, I went to alot of meetings and shared what was going on. I knew if I didn't talk about it i would go crazy. Finally finished and got with my sponsor immediately to do my fifth step.

About 2 years sober, I did another 4th. My husband and I were talking about getting together again, and I needed to look at my behaviour when I was drinking and how that had affected our life. I needed to do a sex inventory, and figure out what I wanted in my relationship with my husband. So once again I reviewed my activities while I had been drinking and looked at who I had harmed by my behaviour. I put down on paper what my ideal was, what I wanted for my husband and I. I also dealt with some things that I had been carrying around for many years. I came to the understanding that some things were not mine to feel guilty about.

I just recently completed another 4th step. It didn't take me long this time to realize that when I am carrying around a resentment, I'm not gonna feel better until I do a 4th and find out where it is coming from. This one was probably the most eye opening, because while I had been in the wrong by having expectations, the bulk of the problem was not my doing. I have been walking around on eggshells with my husband because I felt I owed him for my drinking. I wanted him to be convinced that I was serious about sobriety, and in doing so I left myself wide open for him to take advantage of that. I have asked God to show me what it is He needs me to do, because I don't know at this point what I should do. My sponsor has told me to attend some Al-anon meetings so I can learn what's mine and what's not. I plan on talking with my spiritual advisor when I go to the sundance. My anger has been removed and my husband and I have talked about our problem and how we may be able to work on it, but I know that I must make a decision on what I am willing to live with and what I am not willing to do.

I ask for everyones prayers as I continue to trudge the road of destiny.

Love, cheri