Confused with Step 4

deedee51 · Member

Confused with Step 4

murrill · Newbie

Hello, deedee,
I'm an alcoholic, and Step 4 was very helpful to me. Very little of what I wrote was directly related to drinking. AA's Big Book gives a very simple suggested format that goes something like this: Resentments----I had resentments toward Person A because she insulted me in public----Made me feel ashamed & humiliated.
What I discovered during the course of the 4th step was that I was gaining some very good insight into who I was and to what pushed my buttons. There are different opinions and approaches to the 4th step, but I think it is about a "moral inventory," not a confessional. Certainly, some misdeeds came to light, but the point was coming face to face with myself.
I think that anyone can benefit from Step 4, and I think it is essential to anyone who wants recovery.

tlcate · Veteran Member

Hello DeeDee,

Al-Anon recommends all the steps. Step 4 was one of my favorites. I recommend you look at the CAL (Conference Approved Literature). If you can find a sponsor in Al-Anon that would be even better. A sponsor helps tremendously.

Please keep us posted on how it goes.

Tricia

Suzi1965 · Newbie

Hi! We are in the same spot, I am also getting ready to start my 4th step. I found it a bit overwhelming so I did order a 4th step book from alanon called "BluePrint for progress" seems like it will help, I also have found 4th step worksheets online that are pretty much along the same lines as the book I ordered. If youd like me to send you the worksheets just get in touch with me. I also attend the meetings here on this site, they have them twice a day and I try to be there whenever possible. Glad your with us!

deedee51 · Member

Hello everyone, thank you so much for the information and insight. I also look forward to

doing this step as i think it will really help me. Suzi1965, if you want to send me those sheets

in an email or give me the website and I'll look for it there,that would be great.

How do we contact each other here? Where on this site are the meetings?

I might see you there.

Thank you

Dave Harm · Veteran Member

Here is a wonderful resource site which may help LINK

freya · Newbie

Step 4 is for everyone!!!!!!!!!!

...because, ultimately, it is about self-awareness, and self-awareness is, bottom-line, the foundation of any kind of successful recovery/healing work.

If you've been around Al Anon, then you've probably heard people say that they had so lost themselves and/or given themselves away in their dysfunctional relationshps that they didn't even know who they were when they first came into program...Well, Step 4 is where you start to "recover" yourself.

As far as the logistics of Step 4 go, Al Anon does have 2 Blueprint for Progress workbooks that many people use in order to work this Step. At the moment, I am, personally, kinda undecided about how useful and truly thorough those workbooks are. They certainly have lots of questions -- but for me personally because of where I was when I came into program, the questions were not really penetrating enough to "bring up" any new knowledge about myself. However, since I basically worked my first 4th Step along with a therapist friend who was also working hers, they did provide an adequate starting point.

With my sponsees, I've found more and more that how helpful the workbooks are really depends to a great extent at how much experience and practice the person has with self-reflection and healing work in general. For people who are fairly far along and fairly sophisticated in their work and understanding, I really do not find them to be all that helpful as far as bringing up new stuff or deepening awareness around on-going issues goes. For someone who's just starting out, however, they're fine....and as sponsor going through them with someone like that, it is very helpful in identifying areas that need closer, deeper investigation.

I have also lately -- because of several double-winner sponsees who have a lot of 12 Step experience and also because of some Joe Hawk (an AA Fellowship of the Spirit speaker) stuff I've been listening to -- been thinking a lot about possible alternative ways to approach and, hopefully, further and deepen the 4th Step experience....and the idea I'm leaning toward right now would be kinda a combination of some of the focus areas from the Al Anon Blueprints with the 4-Column 4th Step format from the Big Book. (BTW, if you haven't read the Big Book and don't know how the Steps work according to the Big Book, I strongly recommend that you do so!). The 4 column 4th Step format -- even if you don't use it in any way for your major inventory -- is far-and-away the easiest, quickest, and most effective way I've found for doing "mini," "spot," or "single issue" inventories on an as-needed basis.

Also, one thing I definitely want to stress here is that the 4th Step is supposed to be fearless and thorough, and that, to me, means you inventory everything -- your strengths/positives and your weaknesses/negatives.....For many people, identifying their good stuff is much harder and more threatening than identifying their bad stuff...and that right there is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with if meaningful recovery is to take place. Also, the 4th Step is not -- and should not become -- another excuse to beat yourself up or to feel guilt and shame.

Ultimately, the most important thing is that you agree with your sponsor on how you're going to do it and get started....if you need to make some kind of adjustments in the format you're using as you go, then your sponsor can help you do it...but you're not going to able to figure that out until you get into it.

Good luck -- freya

deedee51 · Member

Hi. freya, thank you for that information. I do look forward to doing the 4th step.

deedee51 · Member

Hi, thank you for the link. I checked it out and there's a lot of info there. I have a lot of reading to do. :)
Thanks again

Jerry F · Veteran Member

First time I heard step 4 read at an Al-Anon meeting I was crazy from the disease but
not dumb. The use of the pronoun ourselves made me trip in my thinking and I got
the picture of a finger pointing back at myself and I so wanted to just go on for ever
blaming my alcoholic wife and then the rest of the world for my problems and gaffes.
Not long after that I had to contend with the subject of another meeting which was
"What is my part in it". God I started to hate the fellowship they just didn't get it
and I wanted to drag my alcoholic wife into an open meeting line up and stand her
under a sign which read "Da Problem!!". Searching...wasn't such a hard word for
me. Fearless was what I always thought I was with that Superman suit and all.
Moral made me gag. I looked it up in the dictionary finally and it said the difference
between good and bad and or right and wrong. I could almost see myself sitting
in the Al-Anon electric chair screaming "I don't wanna go!!". By the time my 16th
year of recovery came around I had done 6 of them...each more searching and
yes fearless and moral. Can't believe the miracles that come from doing the
inventory process all the way up to 9...number 9.

It's good that you are reaching out and looking for support and clarity because
this is where good recovery come from.

(((((hugs)))) smile

deedee51 · Member

Hi, i'm sorry I haven't replied earlier, but my life has been total chaos since xmas.I haven't been in the mood to start my step 4.
I missed 4 meetings lately, my husband is drinking more than ever and also taking perks with that, he is so out of it its been 10 days straight and going.Today he has the shakes so bad I can hardly stand it, I asked if he wanted to go to detox but he didn't want to.I can't do anything or get any help for him because he doesn't want any.I think our 40 years of marriage is over . I am totally heartbroken and lost. I hate this desease and what it does to families. My children are in their 30's now and they see what is happening and they are so hurt too. They are very supportive but in pain. I feel like dying too right now. I'm tired , I want to leave but I don't know how to start again at 60. I think my husband knows its over too and that makes him drink even more.I'd like to drown my sorrows too. I pray for guidance and courage and for strength everyday. Hope you guys are doing better than i am.
thanks for listening and God bless!

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