I've been involved in ALANON for several years.  Yet, I keep coming back to this step.  I can't seem to get it.  An old timer once told me, whispered to me, the secret is, there is nothing to get.

I admitted I am powerless over other people, places, and things.  I am powerless over other peoples perceptions of me.  I recently had a one and half year romantic relationship end.  I had been doing really well with my program, with my work, letting other people love me.  Then I started to care, deeply care.  I wanted it soooo bad.  I became obsessed, again, with what somebody else thinks of me.  All the old tapes played loud and long.  I felt that gut wrenching anxiety and, not surprisingly, I anticipated negative outcomes.  My fears set in motion a series of events that helped create the very thing I was trying to avoid.  My neediness pushed her away.  

Working a program is a practice.  Guilt and fear are close relatives.  I can make a choice of love.  For me that is what step one is about.  I choose to not judge others or myself.  I choose to extend myself for the purpose of mine, or anothers, well being.  I don't do it well always.  I make alot of mistakes.  But I wake up and try again.  Opening up my heart is never a mistake.  It hurts to see my behaviors repeated.  It hurts to know better.  I am powerless not only over others, but over my own thougths and feelings.  The best I can do is be aware of my distorted thinking, accept it, and ask for help from my higher power.   Accepting I have been affected by the disease of  alcoholism is a start. 

Fighting myself is not a choice I am willing to make.  Softness, compassion for myself and others, staying in this moment only, is what step one is about for me.  I'm working it and its working me.